toe is better

Hi girls, I wanted to let you know my toe is better. still looks totally gross, but not infected anymore. Now it just looks like an old man toe, peeling and turning brown on the nail sweet! :-(

I feel like a looser and a failure as far as my weight and not throwing up. For one thing, I haven't been going to the gym AT ALL. It's been at least a week. I have been going to physical therapy because I have this bad issue with my shoulder that started in BodyPump class. Its just jacked. Hurts all the time, feels like it's falling off. BodyPump is out of the question and the last time I tried swimming, my shoulder clicked so bad I had to stop. Right now, I'm just trying to get it stronger by doing exercises that don't hurt at the same time. The physical therapist gave me stretchy bands and a bunch of exercises that help I'm supposed to do twice a day as well as icing it. I've been going twice a week. It is REALLY frustrating....
Aside from no gym, I have been b/p-ing around 2 times a day. Last night we went to a fancy $100 dinner at Jakes Famous Crawfish. My boss (the owner of the apartments I manage) gave us a gift card. I had crabcakes for an appetizer, a REGULAR coke, a light mixed greens salad, and for dinner I had Ling Cod. It was REALLY good. I had a super bad anxiety attack at dinner though :-( I started talking about this time I went deep sea fishing with my Dad. I'll just give you guys the quick version: My Daddy took me on a deep sea fishing trip. We only caught sea bass but the big deal cool fish to catch was the Ling Cod. They are wild crazy fish and when one was caught, the fisherman had to bring it up to the waters edge but not OUT of the water or the fish would escape. Another fisherman would come over and scoop the fish out with a net. Then someone would beat the fish on the head with a bat to kill it quickly which sounds mean, but I think it's better than the thing suffocating slowly for hours in a burlap bag. Anyway, on this fishing trip with my Dad, I got my first period of my whole life. It was a big deal trip and then I started kind of crying at dinner while I told it and regretting that I started talking about it and thinking that if I was home I wouldn't EVEN finish my dinner and would probably go throw up right then. But it was a fancy dinner and so yummy and expensive and I just had to be brave. Husband started telling me that I was so awesome and overcame so much and I'm not like my mom. I said ya, I know I'm doing so well but I miss my fuckin parents you know? I just want my mom and some good old times fishing with my dad like that. Both of my parent's died and also my stepdad who raised me (just some background for you guys) and it SUCKS. Not trying to have a pity party, but it really does hurt sometimes. So I was feeling that BIG pressure in my throat for wanting to JUST CRY hard, I had all these big feelings to GET OUT. And I can never get them out--it hurts in my guts and on top of that I ate and ate and it was a meal that is OK not like a plate of sausage and cheese or something gross. But I had that sick HORROR of being full on top of that sad feeling. It was bad. If I could have thrown up I would have. SO then we went to the mall and I HONESTLY had to pee so I went to Macy's and I swore to my husband it was just to pee and I kept my promise. I got a doorbuster babydoll dress at Fredericks for $9 I'll put a picture soon... GOD I don't think there's anything better than feeling like I look good and can fit in lingerie!!  We came home and played around with the new laptop "santa" got for our son for Christmas--getting it set up so it's ready to go (sons were at a sleepover)..... Then we turned down the lights, put on some tunes, I got changed into my fredericks deal and bow chicka bowwow....... good times
So then this morning, he said something to me about he felt good last night after dinner not bloated "but you didn't feel so good cuz you went in the bathroom and threw up" AAAAHHH I didn't though.

I recently had my AA birthday 4 years. And I "chaired" my meeting so I sat up front and told some of my story and I really HATE HATE public speaking but this has gotten a bit easier for me every year. Not to cheese anyone out the door but I DO have a Higher Power. I'm not Christian and I don't believe Jesus Christ is my lord and savior. Sorry. I believe in GOD but it's more like "the force" and my Higher Power is ME if I were totally enlightened. Like When I pray, who am I praying to? I know God is bigger than any religion. "he" doesn't care about morals or commandments. There IS no "HE" to care about specifics.... So but I DO pray. and here's why: when I do the ACTION--getting down on my knees, being GRATEFUL, it gets ME plugged in. It gets my mind where I need to be to have peace and serenity. A LOT of "trippy" stuff happens to me too. Like the other day I made this commitment to try to be closer to God and so I decided to pray. but I don't know how to pray right. So I have this little daily meditations for women book. I brought that to where I pray in my room and I got on my knees and I opened it and to me, at that moment, the one for that day REALLY spoke to me. It was the day before I was going to speak at AA and it was about trusting God and our lives will be eased in direct proportion to our faith. It was like answering my prayer before I could pray it and that made me cry. just a little.

today I didn't really eat until 9pm. I mean, I didn't eat a meal. I ate one square of dark chocolate with sea salt (SOOOO good), and coffee. And then as I made dinner I had a couple nibbles of bread. I made a DE LISH chowder with turkey polska kielbasa as the meat. SO fattening and BAD bad, but good. I waited till husband went to bed to eat for real, then purge. then now I'm having tea.

so ya. I'm going to try to make it to a spin class tomorrow that shouldn't hurt my arm. I'm doing OK not packing on the pounds, only just still stuck at 133 which isn't the end of the world I just need to get my ass to the gym.

love you girls.

miss my girls

Hi friends! I've missed you! I didn't get to check all of thanksgiving weekend. This week I have been able to read some but I'm pretty sure I missed some stuff. :-(  If I didn't comment on something I should have, if there's anything I need to know, let me know kay?

So I'm just gonna spill my guts here (oooh good pun)....  I was very good all of Thanksgiving. I didn't puke until the last meal of the last night we were there.

Not too long before the holiday, my husband and I had a night alone. we went out to dinner. we went to Qdoba which is like, a big anxiety for me! way back when I was super health queen and didn't puke all the time I would go there and get a naked burrito with no rice just black beans, fajita veggies, lettuce, chicken, and salsa. NOW when I go, I get a regular nasty burrito with beans, rice, cheese, meat, sour cream, salsa, QUESO sauce!!! prolly 1100 cals. and then I always puke after. But this night at dinner with hubby, I didn't finish it because I didn't know how i was going to be able to purge after. then I got super quiet and got that sinking feeling of horror like I'm so busted. He asked what was wrong and I said I was having anxiety and he asked if it was because I wanted to throw up and i said ya.  which was a relief. I talked openly about the anxiety and that is a really good weapon against it. He was SO SWEET you guys. he said " do you want to go to the mall and we can walk it off?"

anyway, I did really well during thanksgiving like I said. all the foods were SOOOO good and I was mostly good except for dinners anyway. I feel like i ate like a hog and I gained 5 pounds, but meanwhile his parents made a few little comments about "you know you really shouldn't cut all the fat out of your diet" when I didnt' want to put butter on my whole wheat eggo's. I ended up putting butter :-P

Now I have a dilemma. I have an infection in my toe. its not an ingrown nail and there's no pus (eeew) but its red and swollen and that's the diagnosis. Probably got it from the nasty gym showers and everything. it's not visibly dirty, but I'm sure its a germ-o-rama. I've never done the flip flop in the shower thing, and I'm totally going to now. Anyway, I'm trying so hard to trust my doctor and do what he says. I'm going to physical therapy and just practicing self care. OF COURSE I looked up "big toe pain at night" on google, because it was so bad some nights that it woke me up and I was scared. I became convinced that I have Gout. But it's not gout and I believe my doctor. but then he gave me antibiotics right. I didn't even read the side effects because I'm GONNA get all of them if I read that stupid thing. So I took it and forgot about it. Couple hours later I found myself sitting on the side of my bed for like 10 minutes straight staring into the mirror all dazed. I felt edgy, and woozy and sad. SO THEN i read the side effects. it said if you get swelling in your mouth or a rash, go to the er. If you experience mood changes, or a bunch of other things, call your doctor. then I got a little panicky and that of course made me over analyze if I was having mood changes. but I didnt like it. So I called and let them know. well when I took it, i took it right after I purged lunch. and once I ate, hours later, I felt better. they basically told me to keep taking it. So a bunch of drama for nothing but I'd rather feel dumb than have a panic attack all night from not calling. I think I'm going to have to take them with food and not puke the whole fucking time I'm taking it!! FUCK. AND I can't tan while I take it. Oh, it's a 10 day course.  :-(

splotchy cuz of my socks...

lately I have been gaining. I'm back down to 131--I got as high as 136 and that made me sad. I reaaaally want to be a health nut again. what's wrong with me? I know what to do and I don't do it! every day! damn