check it

I'm 127 today!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! unreal unreal!!!



I've gone to the gym every day for 17 days WOOT. I went to Target JUST to TRY some bikini's. I got a sick thrill of excitement before I went. I have NEVER had a good experience trying on clothes there. They have the best mirrors, angled just so you can see your own ass straight on without turning. For years and years I couldn't believe the reality of my fatness so I would pick clothes (not just at target,at any store, I barely shop at target for myself) that were really too small but I didn't WANT to need the bigger ones. I'd rather wear sweats or pajamas all the time than get cute plus size shit. Anyway, whenever I've tried on clothes, they never fit and it's depressing and I want to die after. The very last time that happened was when I got workout clothes at JC Penny's. I still bought what would fit and now that stuff FALLS to the ground. Ever since that, whenever I go to try on stuff, it's gotten smaller and smaller to my utter delight. I NEVER in my dreams thought I could fit in a bikini. Those are MADE for teenagers. I fit in the med bottoms and small tops. SMALL. Now I'm mulling over actually BUYING one of these and wearing it to the pool this summer. We'll see. I probably will. I'm still loosing weight and tightening more and getting tan. I'm gonna be that MILF at the pool I've always stared at with envy. YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAY

Highway to the danger zone?

So I had this low blood sugar attack the other night as the result of purging ( I think). the next day, Yesterday, I went out for lunch with my little guy. I just reached a major milestone in my weight, 129. It wouldn't kill me to KEEP my lunch down. Normally, I'm home at lunch time, so if I eat it's no big to purge. SO I usually eat something not so sensible for lunch, Or just hog out like a beast. But yesterday we were out so I thought, I can't purge and that's OK. I had a BIG bowl of noodles stir fried with veggies and tofu in a thai sauce. I was full. It was yummy. Then I started rethinking my errands for the rest of the outing and thinking of ways I could just go home real quick. :-( I ended up coming home to purge. Now, even when I PLAN to be ok with eating a meal and keeping it in, once I eat it, my mind starts racing and I feel gross regret and have to get rid of it. I want to say, who cares? If I'm 118 and THEN I still feel like I can't keep down a meal, then maybe that's a problem. Or really, if I'm 113.... But isn't that just a sign that there's a problem? What IS the problem? I think that as long as I stay honest with myself and keep talking about it, it's OK! I DO want to be 113 lbs! and I CAN that's totally not out of line or anything I looked it up. That's still a BMI of 18.5. And I'm getting SO FIT a BMI can totally get thrown off by muscle. So I'm prepared to continue reevaluating. Like if I'm 120 and I look good and have lots of muscles and no fatty bits, Cool. I'm pretty sure I'll NEVER stop having fatty bits though. well, we'll see huh.

xo

Getting there!

I can't believe it. I know I'm TOTALLY standing so that nothing nasty shows. But I just can't believe it.

I put the P90x Ab Ripper video on my iphone so I can do it at the gym. It's HARD, but If I keep at it, I'm pretty sure I can get rid of the nasty flubb on my tumm. My boobs completely fell off. I'm ok with that.

Mildred Pierce, purge x3, tanning adventures

I just watched Mildred Pierce on HBO, it was a miniseries. SUPER good. I don't want to ruin it...

Lately, I've been purging lunch, dinner, and a naughty something or other at night. 3 times a day. Sometimes 2. About half the time I can skip the night time one. I got down to 131.5 for a minute this last weekend, but mostly I've been hovering at 132 - 133.

Bodypump--my fave class at the gym changed this week to a new routine and I got SO SORE after Monday's class. I'm starting to see some GOOD definition in my arms and shoulders.

I went to the doctors last week FINALLY, after being sick for over a month. I had a hard time working out that day and it scared me cuz I couldn't catch my breath. So I broke down. I had still been working out hard in all the days leading up to it. Well, when I went in, I had a FEVER! haha! I didn't even know and who knows how long I had it. I was sick for so long and it was so gradual to come on, I kept just pushing through it. I had Bronchitis. She gave me antibiotics.

Another thing I did last week was buy a tanning package. I went for 8 min in a 20 min bed every other day. Every time, I got a worse and worse sunburn. mostly on my chest-between my boobs. It was so bad! The worst was Monday and I planned to just wait till today to go again. Then my friend mentioned that she can't go tanning cuz she is on antibiotics. LIGHTBULB DUH!! I looked up the antibiotics I was taking (until tues) and they are totally on the no sun list. It causes sun sensitivity with risk of extreme burns. HAHA dumbass. The exact week I got the antibiotics I decide to start getting a tan.

Salad Rolls Lotsa Pics

As Per Request, here's a whole post just for the salad rolls I recently started making.

To Start, I get everything ready. This time I used:RiceWrappers
Rice Vermicelli
Yellow Bell Peppers
Carrots
Cucumber
Avocado
Strawberries
Watercress
Peaches from a jar
Imitation Crab






Begin by
Dipping the rice wrapper in warm water for 10 seconds
then place it on a plate













Add the filings
line up the pretty things on the bottom
so they'll show.














Fold it up like a burrito
start with the sides
















Voila!!!















And THIS pretty one
I made with strawberries and avocado, and the peaches.
with some of the other stuff, but no "crab"
It was so tasty with just soy sauce
we use a Thai peanut sauce for dipping
sometimes. and also, we get a yummy
ginger dressing that's good too

One of these bad boys is right around 150 cal a piece. The wraps are 35 each, the rice vermicelli is 140 for a half cup and I use less than 1/4 per so lets say 50? then I guess it depends on what all you put in it. if you stuck with cucumbers and carrots and maybe shrimp, you'd be under 100. but if you get fruity or use avocado's you'll be over. a way to save is to not use the noodles at all--they're still perfectly delicious. just use green leaf lettuce as the bulk of the stuffing ya know? mmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm

feeling so strong/ Versitile Blogger Award

Last night, I planned my nightly binge/purge and in a moment of strength, took my antibiotics and skipped it. Tonight I planned the same thing. I purged dinner and then went out to check out tanning salons. I knew I would not have the strength to skip my binge tonight again. We had Salmon and rice and asparagus and I purged it what a bastard. Anyway, I got home and "put my husband to bed" hee hee. Kids were on the couch with a movie (no school tomorrow! dangit) I started cleaning the dinner dishes and deciding what to eat and in what order and I just realized I wasn't dying for anything in particular. So I grabbed all my eve meds which I had been waiting to take till after any purging, and I just took them quick and now I CANT purge so I can't binge that's all there is to it!

okay, I have to explain about all the tanning talk. I live in the pacific northwest and it's a FACT we get like, way less sun than everywhere else. It's depressing. A lot of people go year round to tanning salons just for the mood improvement and healthy glow. I'm going to California in July and I mean, I guess it's FINE to totally be white. But for me, I have a lot of stretch marks and flapsy flubb, and that all gets toned and looks better, when tan. I haven't tanned in years and I just did all this weight loss and I think this is the icing on the cake I'm so excited. I went for 8 min tonight and it was pure bliss!

I shall now fulfill my Versitile Blogger Award Obligation, lest I'm seen as ungrateful. I'm not, I only feel unworthy :-)
I love every single one of my followers, like, a ridiculous amount. But I think everyone's already done this or they don't have a blog, they only read.
I would only like to bestow this award to one girl: My friend, the lovely, Deanna M. Deanna, if you are reading this, I'm not putting a link to your blog because you might not appreciate the traffic. But please accept this award.

You must give it to other people, I'm not sure how many. I'm pretty sure it's more than one so I'm breaking a rule but it's ok. AND you're supposed to tell 7 random things about yourself.

1. I ran away with the circus when I was 19.
2. I have gotten 2 DUI's. One in 1994 when I was only 18 and not even old enough to drink! the other on November 30 of 2007. My sobriety date is the next day - 12/1/07.
3. I attend AA meetings regularly. It works
4. I have an associates degree in accounting. I like the work but.....
5. I'm a stay at home mom. I love it but I have been thinking (JUST THINKING) about going back to work. HA, I got an application for the tanning salon I just joined tonight.
6. I KINDA work though because I'm the manager for our apartment complex. It's only got 16 units. We're full so there isn't a whole lot to be done. Keep the place tidy, be around. we get 2/3's off our rent.
7. I'm a sex abuse survivor. I was molested/raped by an older step brother from the age of 8 - 12. I go through periods of bug out's over it. At the moment, I'm ok. It's been a while since I bugged. I was in therapy and it was like we uncovered feelings, it got too heavy. I guess I play this trick on myself where I think I'm pretty open about it so I must be ok and not shoving feelings or being in denial. But it's a trick. I know it is, but it's a survival mechanism and I choose to do it because when I DID go weird about it when I was in therapy, I couldn't function. I had to be able to take care of the fam, so I stopped going to therapy and stopped "dealing" with it. She said that might happen and she was right.

that's it. xo

Thank you again, Hana. Sorry I took so long

Sweet Swimsuit

I bought this on Ebay over a year ago. It was so pretty and funny I had to have it though there was no chance I was fitting it it then. I can't wait to wear it to the Pool this summer. There's a fun pool we take the kids to when its SUPER HOTT and I'm always so jealous of the hottie Milf's. The ONLY minorly annoying thing about this suit is it goes up kinda high in the back. It makes me feel slim, but in that way it's a LITTLE TOO mom-ish.

yes, I'm still working on my thighs. And I totally need a tan. I have mixed feelings about that though my really good friend just had a freckle on her leg checked and it was cancer and shes got this huge gash in the middle of her pretty, smooth thigh. 13 stitches. and it's indented, so when it heals, it will be like, sunken there. :-( all from one little freckle?? she totally used to tan and I'd have to go banana's obsessed if I were to tan that much, but still. It'd kind of be a slap in her face if I went tanning right now.... Not sure what I'll do.

BFF called ME a Negative Nancy.... ME!?

HA, ya right. even on my worst day I'm still naming my blog post "positive attitudes" haha

SO YA! guess what I hit a new low today. At the gym, totally naked, wet hair, 133.0 aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!! I'm back to loosing I know it. I just counted up all my cals for today on Livestrong. I consumed 1500 cals you guys, and I puked lunch and dinner. Even if I DIDN'T Purge, I'd be ok. maybe. I don't think so, that's why I purged.

I made salad rolls for dinner again. I stuffed those babies with lots of veggies and just a TAD of rice vermicelli, so they clocked in at MAYBE 120 each MUCH less if it didn't have avocado

OMG I am just thrilled with 133 and I feel so empty right now it's super. I'm gonna drink tea

positive attitude

Today is kinda bad. I mean I'm not depressed, I just mean, I'm eating badly. since my last post, I went a few days of b/p one day, be good the next day, b/p WORSE the next day..... Today, I've already b/p'd twice and the day isn't over. I just went to the donut shop! :-(. I'm frustrated. I did the juice fast and OF COURSE I'm still glad and it was healthy and reset my naughty binge cycle. BUT I only lost 5 pounds, gained it all back in a few days which actually put me higher than I had been before. I kept trying so hard to be good but nothing was getting an ounce off of me till I started eating normal and puking once in a while. the last day or two I've started seeing some loss on the scale. It's kind of like, what's the fuckin point?? But I KNOW, I really do, that the best thing is to eat normal, not binge, not purge and go to the gym every day. but I always end up binging, because I eat "normal" and then purge when I should just keep it. because purging CAUSES binging--Not the other way around. So then it STILL after everything comes down to self control and it's SO HARD isn't it?? dang!!!

I'm sorry to be a let down. I want to do that cleanse again how crazy is that? I want to do the hardest level too--it's all green juices all day torture. I have to wait about a month though.

Another thing: I've been sick for MONTHS and it's BS!! Husband too. the current cold we have, we've had for 35+ days! and today (lovely) I got a cold sore. JEEZE

I hate pissing and moaning. I'll try to think of something more juicy for my next post. OH! this was a funny/irritating thing that happened yesterday. OK, I went into Vitamin World, and the guy at the front was a beef face who looked like he just shot steroids in the back.
him: what can I help you with (attitude in voice and expression)
me: I'm looking for Krebs Cycle Chelates
him: we don't carry that
me: oh, I just thought you might cuz I saw it on your website
him: we have TWENTY THREE thousand products online for sale and we only carry 9000 in the store
me: oh, okaaaay wellll, ummmm I guess I'll order it online?
him: you could do that.
WHAT A FUCKER RIGHT????? I hate everyone