I turned 38 yesterday. WOAH
My kids are in ID visiting their grandparents. So hubby and I are spending a lot of time together talking and just enjoying. I confessed to him a few days ago that I had gone back to purging in around January--after my surgery. He was surprised. I'm REALLY glad I told him. I haven't purged now for like 4 or 5 days. I'm eating so clean. We tried a restaurant called Native Foods. It is a chain I guess but it's really good! I had a sesame Kale Macro Bowl: tad brown rice, a HUGE mound of gently warmed kale with a tad of sauerkraut on top, served with tempeh. OMG so good. We're going again tomorrow night and I can't wait.
I'm at work again. OK so heres the deal with that: I used to work at this place way back in '06. At that time, I had no work ethic and I was very deep into my disease of alcoholism. I would call in sick at least once a week. I was hungover and fat and constantly having panic attacks. I was also using cocaine kind of a lot. UGH!!! Eventually I quit and refused to come in to help train anyone new or even tell the owner about what files I had on my desk. I haven't worked in an office since then. Well, about a year into my sobriety, I came back and apologized. Its called "making an amends". I told him that I was so sorry I wasn't a good employee and that it wasn't anything he did. fast forward to about June '13. He emails me that he's going out of town and needs someone to cover and be the office manager. He went on that vacation and I worked full time for 2 weeks. $15 an hour! I do payroll, filing, cust service, receive $$. The BEST thing is payroll: I REMEMBER not being capable of processing payroll. The panics it would give me! We do everything in house--no service, and there's only 11 employees but I COULD NOT do it before... writing a deposit slip? No way! my handwriting was too shaky. I'm working full time this week again as he went out of town again. But usually, when he's here, I only work 2 days a week for 5 hours. My regular duties can be completed in that time. So it's some good money in my pocket and I get the best of both worlds--I'm still MOSTLY home for my kids. I'm very grateful to have this job just LAND in my lap. I was starting to think about going back to work when my kiddo starts kindy and he is. it's all happening!
Wednesday, August 14, 2013
Saturday, July 13, 2013
SEVEN Months later
Jeeze what the fuck!? I cant believe it's been so long since my last post.... Ugh where to begin.
Everything with my surgery healed up great. The most big deal thing that has happened this year is that we've joined a Krishna Temple. Its called ISKCON International Society of Krishna Consciousness. Hubby and I have been on a spiritual quest--to find our right spiritual path, the whole time we've been married. Even before. He read the Mahabarta in the 90's and we've been exposed to the Bhagavad Gita and other Krishna books over the years. It just never stuck before because we weren't living a lifestyle conducive to the practice. There's no judgment or pressure, but there are some regulative principals that we just couldn't follow before so we just never even went too deep. Then, with me in AA, getting in touch with my Higher Power, and hour whole family adopting a plant based diet, we realized that we were already living close to a Vaishnava lifestyle. So hubby started itching to go to the temple again and he took the kids when I was recouping from surgery. He said it was wonderful and I went with him very soon after that. I had a very cynical attitude towards it, because I was just in this funky place with my spirituality. I had been reading a lot of Richard Dawkins and other atheist authors and bloggers. I was getting super bitter about how religion has infiltrated our country's politics and POLICIES. I was seeking out information to disprove Christian fundamentals. Like how the earth is only 6000 years old, no evolution etc... When we went in to that Temple, I promised myself I would reserve judgement until I gave it a real chance, but I fully expected to internally think "this is BS" or "Ya but, science bla bla". But so far, I have YET to come across something that conflicts with my scientific sensibilities. The vedas contain information that is only NOW being confirmed by science, it jives with quantum mechanics. There's a multiverse, reincarnation, karma, a culture I'm attracted to to the CORE. I love it
Theres more to catch up on. but I have to work! I'm AT work right now. I'll tell about that next I promise.
Food matters: I am deep in bulimia as ever. It kind of rules my life I HATE IT I HATE IT I HATE IT! I am in an endless cycle. I barely work out--I don't go to the gym, I plan on it of course but I just haven't got a routine back since last summer! I have been doing lots of little at home exercises like squats, lunges (a hundred a day), push ups, little abs, leg lifts. That sort of thing. But I weigh 143 and I have been stuck there for MONTHS. Purging does NOT help you loose weight. But I still do it. Every time I feel "full". if I start eating, I can't stop, so I feel full every time I eat and its just a matter of time till I eat again. I eat very clean and VEAN for crying out loud. what do I do??
Love you girls <3
Everything with my surgery healed up great. The most big deal thing that has happened this year is that we've joined a Krishna Temple. Its called ISKCON International Society of Krishna Consciousness. Hubby and I have been on a spiritual quest--to find our right spiritual path, the whole time we've been married. Even before. He read the Mahabarta in the 90's and we've been exposed to the Bhagavad Gita and other Krishna books over the years. It just never stuck before because we weren't living a lifestyle conducive to the practice. There's no judgment or pressure, but there are some regulative principals that we just couldn't follow before so we just never even went too deep. Then, with me in AA, getting in touch with my Higher Power, and hour whole family adopting a plant based diet, we realized that we were already living close to a Vaishnava lifestyle. So hubby started itching to go to the temple again and he took the kids when I was recouping from surgery. He said it was wonderful and I went with him very soon after that. I had a very cynical attitude towards it, because I was just in this funky place with my spirituality. I had been reading a lot of Richard Dawkins and other atheist authors and bloggers. I was getting super bitter about how religion has infiltrated our country's politics and POLICIES. I was seeking out information to disprove Christian fundamentals. Like how the earth is only 6000 years old, no evolution etc... When we went in to that Temple, I promised myself I would reserve judgement until I gave it a real chance, but I fully expected to internally think "this is BS" or "Ya but, science bla bla". But so far, I have YET to come across something that conflicts with my scientific sensibilities. The vedas contain information that is only NOW being confirmed by science, it jives with quantum mechanics. There's a multiverse, reincarnation, karma, a culture I'm attracted to to the CORE. I love it
Theres more to catch up on. but I have to work! I'm AT work right now. I'll tell about that next I promise.
Food matters: I am deep in bulimia as ever. It kind of rules my life I HATE IT I HATE IT I HATE IT! I am in an endless cycle. I barely work out--I don't go to the gym, I plan on it of course but I just haven't got a routine back since last summer! I have been doing lots of little at home exercises like squats, lunges (a hundred a day), push ups, little abs, leg lifts. That sort of thing. But I weigh 143 and I have been stuck there for MONTHS. Purging does NOT help you loose weight. But I still do it. Every time I feel "full". if I start eating, I can't stop, so I feel full every time I eat and its just a matter of time till I eat again. I eat very clean and VEAN for crying out loud. what do I do??
Love you girls <3
Friday, January 4, 2013
stitches WHERE? TMI post
Wow I did it! BiLateral Labiaplasty! It hurts really bad! But I'll live. OK so heres how it went:
First of all, from the minute it was scheduled I was afraid I would get a panic attack. My dr told me that if I was having trouble sleeping or functioning she'd perscribe something to help (valium). But I really wanted to try to be brave and not use drugs, just wait till surgery day to worry about it. Well the day before surg I went in for a pre appt where they did an EKG and drew blood and went over everything. Well THAT got me all panicky feeling. So I called the dr for something JUST for that one day. I felt like I was whimping out but I'M SO glad I did it. I asked for everyone to give me good vibes and help me be brave. I have always been THE BIGGEST baby about shots and drs appointments and I was SO brave and I'm just so proud that I trusted the drs to take good care of me and they did. The anesthesiologist called me the night before and went over everything. I had taken that valium by then and I was honest with her about my alcoholism just so she'd know my chemical history. My sponsor told me to do that and I didn't mind but the anesthesiologist didn't seem to care. She was very kind though. So then when I checked in in the morning, they got me all situated in a special gown: Its made of paper (very soft paper) and it has a hook up for a warm air blower to blow it up like a warm balloon and kept me so cozy! Then the nurse said the anesthesiologist had ordered me a valium if I wanted, I said yes please! then they drew more blood and got my IV started. Then we waited around for about an hour. Once it was time to go back, the dr and team (another nurse and the anesthesiologist) came in and met my husband and he left. 2pm ish. They gave me a nice (REALLY NICE) something in my IV to help me be SO relaxed I wasn't scared in the slightest. She said she was going to give me the go to sleep medicine and that was it. next thing I know I'm in the first recovery, where they woke me up and fed me ice chips and got me DOPED up on dilaudid. I didnt know what that was but it erased any pain. my pain at that point was just a stinging feeling. But I was numb too. I guess they didn't want me to feel ANY pain. Then I was able to go back to the "short stay" area where my husband could come back. It was 5pm! That dilaudid made me SUPER nauseous and they gave me something in my IV for that and it worked. Then a bit later they gave me a little dose of fentanyl which did NOT make me sick and TOTALLY erased the pain. But that wore off in about 20 min and it hurt like fuck. I'm having a hard time staying ahead of my pain. When I got home last night after 8 I passed out on the couch for a while, then my husband made me some fries and went to bed. I almost puked. SO many drugs all day, totally caught up with me. I have stitches all the way up both inner labia. I took before pictures and once it heals, I'll take afters...
I need a nap. zzzzzzzzzz
First of all, from the minute it was scheduled I was afraid I would get a panic attack. My dr told me that if I was having trouble sleeping or functioning she'd perscribe something to help (valium). But I really wanted to try to be brave and not use drugs, just wait till surgery day to worry about it. Well the day before surg I went in for a pre appt where they did an EKG and drew blood and went over everything. Well THAT got me all panicky feeling. So I called the dr for something JUST for that one day. I felt like I was whimping out but I'M SO glad I did it. I asked for everyone to give me good vibes and help me be brave. I have always been THE BIGGEST baby about shots and drs appointments and I was SO brave and I'm just so proud that I trusted the drs to take good care of me and they did. The anesthesiologist called me the night before and went over everything. I had taken that valium by then and I was honest with her about my alcoholism just so she'd know my chemical history. My sponsor told me to do that and I didn't mind but the anesthesiologist didn't seem to care. She was very kind though. So then when I checked in in the morning, they got me all situated in a special gown: Its made of paper (very soft paper) and it has a hook up for a warm air blower to blow it up like a warm balloon and kept me so cozy! Then the nurse said the anesthesiologist had ordered me a valium if I wanted, I said yes please! then they drew more blood and got my IV started. Then we waited around for about an hour. Once it was time to go back, the dr and team (another nurse and the anesthesiologist) came in and met my husband and he left. 2pm ish. They gave me a nice (REALLY NICE) something in my IV to help me be SO relaxed I wasn't scared in the slightest. She said she was going to give me the go to sleep medicine and that was it. next thing I know I'm in the first recovery, where they woke me up and fed me ice chips and got me DOPED up on dilaudid. I didnt know what that was but it erased any pain. my pain at that point was just a stinging feeling. But I was numb too. I guess they didn't want me to feel ANY pain. Then I was able to go back to the "short stay" area where my husband could come back. It was 5pm! That dilaudid made me SUPER nauseous and they gave me something in my IV for that and it worked. Then a bit later they gave me a little dose of fentanyl which did NOT make me sick and TOTALLY erased the pain. But that wore off in about 20 min and it hurt like fuck. I'm having a hard time staying ahead of my pain. When I got home last night after 8 I passed out on the couch for a while, then my husband made me some fries and went to bed. I almost puked. SO many drugs all day, totally caught up with me. I have stitches all the way up both inner labia. I took before pictures and once it heals, I'll take afters...
I need a nap. zzzzzzzzzz
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