I'm so fucked up. Not high or drunk. Just not doing great. Everything is OK on the outside. But I'm still having a hard time and it's so frustrating. I don't want to come on here to say the same whiny things every 1 or 2 months. MONTHS?? months have gone by and nothings changed. My shoulder is still fucked and I'm turning over a new leaf every day. I haven't been to the gym in forever. My shoulder is worse and the only thing I can do at the gym is ride the lame-o stationary bike. I don't even do that. I still try every day tho I swear! at least I haven't been sick for a while and I went to the doctor yesterday finally about the shoulder. I got an exray today and the MRI is ordered and in prior authorization's hands now.
Today I did "juice till dinner" I had 2 green juices with parseley, spinach, lemon, celery, cucumber, golden delicious apple. I also made some carrot apple juices for the family. then for dinner I made (something else for the fam) myself some nori cones--"handroll" like these
good right? Then (because it's wednesday), husband set up the room with nice music and dim lights, and came out to get me. I got so mad. Because I am in pain. I don't go to the gym, I don't feel sexy, I've gained 15 pounds since I met my goal. (I'm 138 now). All day I dread that he will want to. I made up the rule about sat & wed are the "do it" days. It worked perfectly! but nowaday's I dread wed & sat. I told my sponsor about the no sex drive a couple days ago. She said I MUST make an appt for the doctor cuz my shoulder is ruining my life. all night I avoid eye contact. Make discouraging comments like "don't get any ideas". he still got an idea. I slammed my phone down, stomped to the room, pulled my pants down, lay on the bed. He said "its ok if you don't want to" I said "NOW you say that??" tears, drama, no do it. bad wife. He even helped me clean up after dinner. I will make it up to him tomorrow. What an asshole. It won't kill me he wrote me the NICEST letter the other morning. Just SO nice I can't even paraphrase. Cuz I was depressed and tortured for easter and I didn't even know why--it was because easter and 4th of july are all about my mom for me and since she died I flail on these holidays unless I'm otherwise totally occupied. I didn't plan ahead or even remember that I might bug about my mom because my little son had dental work last week so i was already frazzled! see? so his letter was so nice about "sorry you had a hard time" and he also said he was sorry for we got in a little fight that morning. He said he's learning to understand about HIMSELF that he still, years later, holds a grudge against me for all I put him thru with my drinking--the first 10 years of our marriage, I was drunk. He was constantly "dealing" with the consequences of that. So he has some resentments DUH! I totally get it and it was just SO sweet that HE is finally getting it and putting his finger on what drives some of our senseless bickering (when it happens. It's really not all the time and it has gotten 100% better over the last 4 years. So he tries to be better and I need to make loving love to him and show some dang appreciation.
So now, after writing this, I figured all that out, but before I got to this writing I ate almost a whole box of cinnamon toast crunch, a tube of ritz and peanut butter and yakked it, along with my beautiful nori. I shouldn't even have that garbage in the house in the first place......
