ok ok wheew

Yesterday sucked so bad I'm not even kidding. it was the climax of a week straight of binging and purging. I puked 4 times! I ate SOOOOOOO much crap:
good breakfast
no lunch
pillsbury crescent ham n cheese roll ups (3) I made for boys during punkin time
3 or more frosted shortbread cookies
cookies n cream ice cream
hot chocolate
whole bag of lowfat popcorn
3 glasses of diet juice
2 glasses of milk
a whole plate of chips with shredded cheeze
lowfat whole grain eggo with an egg and cheese
fun size candy bars (4)

gross.
I didnt' puke after the eggo/egg, and candy. But THANK GOD my weight isn't up this morning. And I'm doing good and feel confident that the spell is broken.

We went to the gym this morning and I did weights HARD for an hour, then I swam for 12 min (10 laps) that's easy, but I REALLY pushed hard on the weights. I'm proud of myself.

Maybe M and I will have sex tonight. It's been a WEEK!! GAWD. cuz we had a minor fight in the bedroom on wed and we both have had too much pride. Plus we're being gentle with each others feelings cuz I think we both got hurt feelings. Basic deal was this: He jokes constantly in the bedroom, I get tired of that I think it's fake and he's actually hiding behind that. Plus, I just get irritated with the physicality of it--he force frenches me every time until I give up and just lay there irritated. With that to look forward too every time, it ruins my mood. So when he said "why don't you have a sense of humor" I went off about all that stuff and it embarrassed him BAD and I DO have a sense of humor. I do funny joky fake do it play ALL the time and cheese out. SOooooooooooooooo, well, I think we're both getting nice and horny which is a good little pressure to have.

ok, time to get dressed and clean.

Heats

155.5

This morning I weighed in a full 2 pounds less than last night. WOW

*update*
I need to be careful. (warning this next part might be gross) We had to add lube TWICE last night during sex.... I think these water pills totally work and I'm like, low moisture! haha.

I just ate a fat turkey sandwich with mayo (not lite) and lays potato chips. Now I'm going to go throw up. SORRY I KNOW it's bad. I need to not even HAVE lays potato chips in the fuckin house.

MUST DRINK MORE WATER

Cold feet

Thanks to a fellow poster on The Chronicles, I'm now convinced I have Raynauds disease. It makes you get super cold feet or hands or one foot or even only a couple of toes. I'm gonna make an appointment, I want to: get off welbutrin, talk about the WART on my foot, talk about my tremor, talk about this cold toes thing, check in about my TMJ...

I've been binging and purging for the last few days. For about two weeks before that, I was tortured and resisted and resisted, and like, I didnt' loose any weight anyway! So while I don't want to KEEP giving up, I have given up for the last few days. Tonight, it was taco bell and sesame donuts. two episodes this eve.... right after the last purge of the night, I take my laxies, and an alli, and a water pill, and my bedtime meds. I was stuck at 158 - 160 for like 2 weeks or something and I just weighed in at 157.6 at the end of the day which is for sure the highest of the day so WOO fuckin HOO!!

I'm just over a month shy of having 3 years sober. I can't believe it. I guess I'll talk about that more when it actually happens but every day is a fucking miracle and NOW I'm getting the opportunity to help other girls I'm close to. Amazing.

Before the taco bell and donuts purge I made indian food. Chicken, Dal, and Potato Parathas. it was OK.

BP attack

I've been binging and purging for 2 days. Not today though! dammit! night before last I waited till after bedtime. But yesterday, I did it for lunch and then again after bed. yuk! It's not that hard or gross. But IT DOESN'T WORK. I haven't lost weight in 2 or 3 days and I'm at the gym every day so...... I don't know how it doesn't work, but it doesn't. I HAVE to just "be good" and strict.

OMG we've had sex 4 out of the last 6 days. NICE.

Off to the gym.....

sex is the cure

On th I was planning a binge, we do it for like 30 straight min seriously it was a long one, I don't eat a THING after and go to bed. Just right now, I was planning a binge, we just did it again for a marathon session, binge urge is gone. I'm on to something.......

last night, no do it: binge/purge. But my weight was 158.5 this morning so that didn't ruin my life or anything. These crazy long do-it's make me almost puke I have so many orgasms and I guess I probably get a rush of chemicals in my brain.

I NEVER eat like that!

I really never do, I've been SO GOOD and not purging, like maybe only once in 2 weeks! But once I started, my mouth was on like auto pilot. It's SO much better to just NOT EAT any treats at all. But then, to be honest, throwing up last night wasn't as bad as I feared, and today I'm 158.5. I kept teetering after I reached 159. Back up to 160,161. Yesterday afternoon I was 161!!!! So, I'm HAPPY today to be 158.5 really happy. I gotta go to the gym.

bender

Today, it feels like there is NOTHING in the whole world to do except eat. We went to the birthday party of a friend in AA--it was her "real" birthday. and she's 18. Her DAD is only ONE year older than M. That was pretty gross. Shes an aa friend, plus only 18 so they weren't really getting loose which is fine--they shouldn't be! But when we left we were like "what choo wanna do" and we couldn't think of anything! so we came home to watch x-files (DORKS). I ate a bowl of popcorn, then S's quesadilla, then some ice cream, then a bowl of peanut butter crunch. I'm gonna have to puke. DANGIT I really hope that doesn't just make me feel worse..... But I'm sorry. I CAN'T just go to bed now with this million gallons of crap in my stomach.

before and during

I've lost 29 pounds and it's hard to believe and I'm ecstatic. I LOVE putting these pictures together, and I'm SOOOOO glad I have before pictures. I have tried to avoid cameras for years now but a few candid shots have happened and now I'm SO GLAD. I'll put some of those up one day too.

back to basics

So this blog is SUPPOSED to be about my jouney through recovery, not my journey into complete perfect skinnyness. There's a lot more to me than just I'm obsessed with calories right now and I have a place to share about that.

Things have been going super as far as AA. I've just been coasting along. Not getting too deep into anything. I've been playing on the computer too much--avoiding... I guess that's the one "bad" thing I've been doing. I've been getting involved at the school. We've been struggling in my homegroup. We don't have a place to have the meeting, every week it's up in the air. The subject of moving came up. At first i was against it, but I kind of hope we do now. I'm also gonna be glad when my position (secretary) is up. I want to go to PTC at school once in a while.

oh MAN I'm sleepy