I just made myself throw up. I had anxiety so bad and I knew I had to do it. I had a long conversation with Sponsor, and I'm just so shaken by it I guess. I can't remember the last time I did that. I know I have to go to this kid party tonight and I don't want to. And I've been isolating so bad and not even talking to Sponsor ever. And it's not like I'm talking to some other women in the program, I'm not talking to anyone and it's just sickening the way I trick myself and I really felt better when I talked to her, but maybe it's just the big sweeping up and down today. I had my girlfriends over this morning. I dread it, but I still invite them because I know I need to visit and get up and attem. So (this happened the last time we all met here) while they're here and for hours after, I feel really nervous. I think the best cure for that is to keep doing it, over time it will get better. But I don't know. Maybe I'm wrong. Because that nervous feeling turned into some pretty overwhelming anxiety.
Oh My God I just confessed the truth to Sponsor. I emailed because I can't call, my kids are too close. well, I need to make this private because it's giving me blockages when it's public like this
Friday, December 11, 2009
Thursday, December 10, 2009
Fiesta
There's a Fiesta at the school tonight. I don't want to go. It's too cold. I'm going to make enchiladas, and we'll go get churros after school and have a fiesta here.
I went and got a book today called The Courage To Heal. It's about surviving sex abuse. It was recommended to me by a crisis IM hotline chat girl last night. I kept searching yesterday for resources and groups. I may have found a pretty good place but I haven't got the guts up to call yet.
When I was little, my mom would loose it every once in a while and beat me really bad. I'd be black and blue all over my butt. Just sickening bruises. She'd eventually come to me with one of those vitamin e tablets. She'd pop it open and rub the vitamin E on my skin wherever there was bruising. I assume it broke her heart-it would mine. But, sick as it is, I cherished those times. When I had my mom all to myself.
It makes me sad to think about that, but its been an intrusive memory a LOT lately. I can't stop remembering that.
a secret fantasy wish is a wish that can never come true but you wish it anyway. My secret fantasy wish is that I didn't have an excuse to have issues. I wish so much that I could say to myself "you don't have anything in your past to account for this behavior so knock it off"
I'm so tired, maybe I'll take a nap.
I went and got a book today called The Courage To Heal. It's about surviving sex abuse. It was recommended to me by a crisis IM hotline chat girl last night. I kept searching yesterday for resources and groups. I may have found a pretty good place but I haven't got the guts up to call yet.
When I was little, my mom would loose it every once in a while and beat me really bad. I'd be black and blue all over my butt. Just sickening bruises. She'd eventually come to me with one of those vitamin e tablets. She'd pop it open and rub the vitamin E on my skin wherever there was bruising. I assume it broke her heart-it would mine. But, sick as it is, I cherished those times. When I had my mom all to myself.
It makes me sad to think about that, but its been an intrusive memory a LOT lately. I can't stop remembering that.
a secret fantasy wish is a wish that can never come true but you wish it anyway. My secret fantasy wish is that I didn't have an excuse to have issues. I wish so much that I could say to myself "you don't have anything in your past to account for this behavior so knock it off"
I'm so tired, maybe I'll take a nap.
yesterday's problem
So here's what's happening: I am not feeling particularly sad, but my behavior is indicative of depression or trauma. I have little interest in doing anything but watch tv. If I didn't have my kids, I'd never leave the house, and I'm usually go go go!
I'm ok with taking everything slow. I'm afraid though, that I'm missing a window where I need to be doing something to grieve that I'm not, and I'll never be able to again.
I'm just SO blah, and every day I wonder how long this will go on. I feel guilty for not being super entertaining, though I know for sure I'm doing ok because we have a Christmas tree with wrapped presents under it. I'm treading water ok. Is that ok?? maybe it is and by worrying, I'm just over dramatizing.
Now the real problem today; I went to my girlfriend's this morning-I told her I was depressed and needed to visit. We got to talking and yesterdays Oprah was about Mackenzie Phillips from the tv show "One Day At A Time", who revealed in a new book that she had a long term sexual relationship with her father. Oprah asked her to explain how it became consensual over time, and she (Oprah) was pretty cold about it. I talked openly to my friend about my experience with that. I started telling her about my time working with my therapist and how it affected me strongly, and my confusion about how upset I could feel, and sick, but then life goes on and i pack it all back away. It's a trip really! Well Mackenzie Phillips talked about how incest is more common than we think, but it's just so shameful and all that. I have to agree; while it's very fashionable to take antidepressants, or have a child with autism, or even be a sex abuse survivor, incest is so ugly and for lack of a better word, dorky. maybe it's mental damage telling me it's dorky and unattractive
So, I went to the library and did a search and there was only ONE book at the library. Not that they were all checked out, but they just dont have too many. There's 3 or 4 at in the system. But I was surprised to learn how under discussed the subject is. I read the one book they did have while S played. The book was in the juvenile area with the kid self help books-- "The Guide to Moving In With Grandma" and "How to Deal With Divorce".... It was called "Everything You Ever Needed To Know About Incest" It was just sickening. I mean, the book wasn't, only I recognized that I started feeling nauseous and shaky. So I came home and I was just looking up survivor groups, seeing what's out there. It is very sparse! 1/2 the sites are stupid pervert "lesbian twin incest" . har har
I come back to this every time I think about it--I wonder if I really need any help because I AM ok in regular life. but I know it's under there somewhere. Plus now I'm "dealing" with my mom. that gives me "feelings" about what kind of mother she was--bringing that situation on me. So, now I'm crying and I know I DO need help. I can skate on a frozen pond as long as it doesn't crack. But as soon as it cracks I am dealing with a flood. Like right now. I can't be depressed about my mom and stay home having a love affair with the tv if Oprah is going to be about incest. I have to shelter myself and I'm still gonna get hit with emotions some other way.
Well it is interesting at least.
I'm ok with taking everything slow. I'm afraid though, that I'm missing a window where I need to be doing something to grieve that I'm not, and I'll never be able to again.
I'm just SO blah, and every day I wonder how long this will go on. I feel guilty for not being super entertaining, though I know for sure I'm doing ok because we have a Christmas tree with wrapped presents under it. I'm treading water ok. Is that ok?? maybe it is and by worrying, I'm just over dramatizing.
Now the real problem today; I went to my girlfriend's this morning-I told her I was depressed and needed to visit. We got to talking and yesterdays Oprah was about Mackenzie Phillips from the tv show "One Day At A Time", who revealed in a new book that she had a long term sexual relationship with her father. Oprah asked her to explain how it became consensual over time, and she (Oprah) was pretty cold about it. I talked openly to my friend about my experience with that. I started telling her about my time working with my therapist and how it affected me strongly, and my confusion about how upset I could feel, and sick, but then life goes on and i pack it all back away. It's a trip really! Well Mackenzie Phillips talked about how incest is more common than we think, but it's just so shameful and all that. I have to agree; while it's very fashionable to take antidepressants, or have a child with autism, or even be a sex abuse survivor, incest is so ugly and for lack of a better word, dorky. maybe it's mental damage telling me it's dorky and unattractive
So, I went to the library and did a search and there was only ONE book at the library. Not that they were all checked out, but they just dont have too many. There's 3 or 4 at in the system. But I was surprised to learn how under discussed the subject is. I read the one book they did have while S played. The book was in the juvenile area with the kid self help books-- "The Guide to Moving In With Grandma" and "How to Deal With Divorce".... It was called "Everything You Ever Needed To Know About Incest" It was just sickening. I mean, the book wasn't, only I recognized that I started feeling nauseous and shaky. So I came home and I was just looking up survivor groups, seeing what's out there. It is very sparse! 1/2 the sites are stupid pervert "lesbian twin incest" . har har
I come back to this every time I think about it--I wonder if I really need any help because I AM ok in regular life. but I know it's under there somewhere. Plus now I'm "dealing" with my mom. that gives me "feelings" about what kind of mother she was--bringing that situation on me. So, now I'm crying and I know I DO need help. I can skate on a frozen pond as long as it doesn't crack. But as soon as it cracks I am dealing with a flood. Like right now. I can't be depressed about my mom and stay home having a love affair with the tv if Oprah is going to be about incest. I have to shelter myself and I'm still gonna get hit with emotions some other way.
Well it is interesting at least.
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