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I feel kinda bad for not posting for so long. I read everyone's though. I guess I don't feel like I have anything juicy to tell about. Well I'll give it a shot.

For Christmas, I got: some hair accessories, a sport bra, and a yoga mat. I got my husband a bunch of exercise stuff like resistance bands, and a yoga mat and a fitness ball. He totally uses that stuff. One kid got a keyboard and the other got a couple play sets. I made trail mix and scarves for other friends. We're poor right and that's KIND OF a bummer but not the worst ever you know I know a LOT of people who are worse off and more stressed out. I've been doing a budget- the Dave Ramsey program and it's helping, but we just started. guess how much we spent on Christmas: $500! I know most people spend way more, WE usually spend way more. But for the few things we got, I didn't think it was that high. Now we're living off $50 bucks for the next 7 days. That's gonna suck but we're going to get through it and hopefully this is all a learning experience and I get some good out of it.

I was all enrolled and set to start school in the spring but I've pretty much decided to put that on hold indefinitely. I owe $10k of my own already for my AA that I don't use. and I just think it would be more responsible to pay that off first. I mean, I don't even have a GOAL about school and I honestly was planning on just getting all that "free money" all my friends are getting for school and living off student loans forever. I'm really glad I've rethought that. It's not really the wisest course. I'm almost thinking higher education is a scam. I don't' want to make that generalization for everyone, but it really kind of is. And all the debt everyone is getting into for it, ALL endorsed by the government..... It's gonna be worse than the housing bubble. People graduating with degrees cant get ANY job, or the best they can get is a min wage job. So they KEEP going back to school to get a masters cuz there's nothing else to do. it waters down the pool, do you know what I mean? it CHEAPENS the value of a degree for everyone. bummer. I have a vague fantasy of being an expert on art and managing an art museum or being a critic or something.

Maybe I'll just enjoy being a mom and managing the house. Focus on that. Get everything just perfect around here and then if I'm bored and both kids are in school I can get a job.

I'm chairing my meeting tomorrow--that means I sit up front and tell about my experience with AA and how it was for me, drinking. And a MIRACLE has happened. I get the worst stage fright and I HATE speaking in front of people. it's the worst. no one believes me, I pull it off pretty ok, but I HATE IT. its so uncomfortable. I gag, I bite my tongue, stutter, choke, mess up, forget what I'm saying. it's just the worst. But this time, I'm feeling oddly mellow. I got what all I'm gonna say organized with what I'm gonna read aloud--it goes in an order and has a flow so I'm not a spazz. I know I'm still gonna feel like I'm holding my breath for an hour, but I'm just so much better than I used to be. It gets better all the time.

OH, I'm 144.5 for the last like week or so. I have been purging so many times in a day lately that it was just getting out of hand and I made myself a deal to try to chill. I have chilled about 70% I used to puke 3 times a day, now I'm down to 1. that's better. I know I still need to work on just restricting. SOON I'm gonna do a 3 day juice cleanse--when we have the $$ for me to buy the stuff in about a week. Oh SHEEZE I hope it doesn't say I can't drink coffee... I bet it does though dammit

haha
xoxo

Just like newlywed's

OH MAN

husband and I just had the most fun all naked and all over the house. Like teenagers! jeeze. We've been married 13 years in three weeks. unreal.

1. I can't believe I'm sober
2. I can't believe I just lost 40 pounds and I'm not even done
3. I can't believe how me and M got married and made it THROUGH what all we have! most people wouldn't have and my life would be misery without him. I'm just so grateful.

I'm so obsessed with food. I am planning a lovely binge this evening on guacamole that I made from a kit from trader joes. Dood, I can't get enough trader joes lately. I got the best new favorite thing there: Tuna in thai green curry SOOOOOOO good and only $1.50 And this guac kit has 2 avocados, a tomato, a shallot, a jalapeno pepper, 2 cloves of garlic and a lime. for 3 bucks. chop it all up, juice the lime in there. done. SUPER FRIGGIN GOOD. yes, I'll puke most of it. I have to. I know I'll feel full after and I know it's weird and gross to PLAN to puke. how about just not eating it? I thought of that.... nah.

I DO have so much self control during the day with not eating. I am just repulsed by anything gross--which is GOOD, so I only eat clean and good and haven't had meat since thanksgiving. I realize that's not too long but if I was gonna puss out I would have already. So mostly all day, all I eat is trail mix and maybe oatmeal for breakfast. OH today for breakfast (at noon) I had an egg scrambled with veggies (trader joes frozen blend) and a slice of provolone on top. I made my own trail mix today: raw almonds, cashews, golden raisins, strawberry craisins, tiny bit of peanuts, chocolate chips. I got all that in the bulks and it was like $2 or $3 bux and made 5 cups! that would have been like $10 bucks. Which gave me an idea: Christmas presents. I know! sounds cheapish and lame but I'm inspired. i'm gonna put it in cute jars decorated with pretty fabric on the lids.... :-)

A friend of our interviewed us for a psych paper a few years ago. I'm not really sure what the point of the paper was, but she recorded it and somehow it was a LOT about my drinking. I was at a little kids birthday party she was at today and she was telling me about it, I was like "OH YA!".... I want to listen to the tape! she reminded me I said things like "I will get a divorce and loose my kids before I stop drinking" and he said things like "I will probably have to leave one day to protect my kids"... SO SAD--but I'm all the more joyful that things got turned around! I WAS SO HOPELESS to feel that way! I was 100% sure I wouldn't ever be free of that! and here I am. I'm ALL THE WAY on the other side of all that. wow.

Three years

I was just like a little child and I was broken and cold, but never forsaken. I reached out and took the hand that was given to me so freely and I walked into treatment and into Alcoholics Anonymous. Into the warmth and into the light, I walked with a heavy heart. I was freed from the bondage of self, relieved of the obsession to drink alcohol.


Today I live in gratitude, not fear. I feel pride and not shame. I have relief instead of guilt. I have hope in my life! I have responsibility and I live up to it. Three years?? Is this me? I am a good person.

Three years ago today, I screamed at my mom to give me alcohol and she would not. My own Mother. Oh God, she gave me the greatest gift a mother can, she took that demon into herself to save me. Seems silly to tell it now, but that is exactly what she did. For it was less than two years later that the same evil power took her life. Forever. And I know, she knew.