I just made myself throw up. I had anxiety so bad and I knew I had to do it. I had a long conversation with Sponsor, and I'm just so shaken by it I guess. I can't remember the last time I did that. I know I have to go to this kid party tonight and I don't want to. And I've been isolating so bad and not even talking to Sponsor ever. And it's not like I'm talking to some other women in the program, I'm not talking to anyone and it's just sickening the way I trick myself and I really felt better when I talked to her, but maybe it's just the big sweeping up and down today. I had my girlfriends over this morning. I dread it, but I still invite them because I know I need to visit and get up and attem. So (this happened the last time we all met here) while they're here and for hours after, I feel really nervous. I think the best cure for that is to keep doing it, over time it will get better. But I don't know. Maybe I'm wrong. Because that nervous feeling turned into some pretty overwhelming anxiety.
Oh My God I just confessed the truth to Sponsor. I emailed because I can't call, my kids are too close. well, I need to make this private because it's giving me blockages when it's public like this
Friday, December 11, 2009
Thursday, December 10, 2009
Fiesta
There's a Fiesta at the school tonight. I don't want to go. It's too cold. I'm going to make enchiladas, and we'll go get churros after school and have a fiesta here.
I went and got a book today called The Courage To Heal. It's about surviving sex abuse. It was recommended to me by a crisis IM hotline chat girl last night. I kept searching yesterday for resources and groups. I may have found a pretty good place but I haven't got the guts up to call yet.
When I was little, my mom would loose it every once in a while and beat me really bad. I'd be black and blue all over my butt. Just sickening bruises. She'd eventually come to me with one of those vitamin e tablets. She'd pop it open and rub the vitamin E on my skin wherever there was bruising. I assume it broke her heart-it would mine. But, sick as it is, I cherished those times. When I had my mom all to myself.
It makes me sad to think about that, but its been an intrusive memory a LOT lately. I can't stop remembering that.
a secret fantasy wish is a wish that can never come true but you wish it anyway. My secret fantasy wish is that I didn't have an excuse to have issues. I wish so much that I could say to myself "you don't have anything in your past to account for this behavior so knock it off"
I'm so tired, maybe I'll take a nap.
I went and got a book today called The Courage To Heal. It's about surviving sex abuse. It was recommended to me by a crisis IM hotline chat girl last night. I kept searching yesterday for resources and groups. I may have found a pretty good place but I haven't got the guts up to call yet.
When I was little, my mom would loose it every once in a while and beat me really bad. I'd be black and blue all over my butt. Just sickening bruises. She'd eventually come to me with one of those vitamin e tablets. She'd pop it open and rub the vitamin E on my skin wherever there was bruising. I assume it broke her heart-it would mine. But, sick as it is, I cherished those times. When I had my mom all to myself.
It makes me sad to think about that, but its been an intrusive memory a LOT lately. I can't stop remembering that.
a secret fantasy wish is a wish that can never come true but you wish it anyway. My secret fantasy wish is that I didn't have an excuse to have issues. I wish so much that I could say to myself "you don't have anything in your past to account for this behavior so knock it off"
I'm so tired, maybe I'll take a nap.
yesterday's problem
So here's what's happening: I am not feeling particularly sad, but my behavior is indicative of depression or trauma. I have little interest in doing anything but watch tv. If I didn't have my kids, I'd never leave the house, and I'm usually go go go!
I'm ok with taking everything slow. I'm afraid though, that I'm missing a window where I need to be doing something to grieve that I'm not, and I'll never be able to again.
I'm just SO blah, and every day I wonder how long this will go on. I feel guilty for not being super entertaining, though I know for sure I'm doing ok because we have a Christmas tree with wrapped presents under it. I'm treading water ok. Is that ok?? maybe it is and by worrying, I'm just over dramatizing.
Now the real problem today; I went to my girlfriend's this morning-I told her I was depressed and needed to visit. We got to talking and yesterdays Oprah was about Mackenzie Phillips from the tv show "One Day At A Time", who revealed in a new book that she had a long term sexual relationship with her father. Oprah asked her to explain how it became consensual over time, and she (Oprah) was pretty cold about it. I talked openly to my friend about my experience with that. I started telling her about my time working with my therapist and how it affected me strongly, and my confusion about how upset I could feel, and sick, but then life goes on and i pack it all back away. It's a trip really! Well Mackenzie Phillips talked about how incest is more common than we think, but it's just so shameful and all that. I have to agree; while it's very fashionable to take antidepressants, or have a child with autism, or even be a sex abuse survivor, incest is so ugly and for lack of a better word, dorky. maybe it's mental damage telling me it's dorky and unattractive
So, I went to the library and did a search and there was only ONE book at the library. Not that they were all checked out, but they just dont have too many. There's 3 or 4 at in the system. But I was surprised to learn how under discussed the subject is. I read the one book they did have while S played. The book was in the juvenile area with the kid self help books-- "The Guide to Moving In With Grandma" and "How to Deal With Divorce".... It was called "Everything You Ever Needed To Know About Incest" It was just sickening. I mean, the book wasn't, only I recognized that I started feeling nauseous and shaky. So I came home and I was just looking up survivor groups, seeing what's out there. It is very sparse! 1/2 the sites are stupid pervert "lesbian twin incest" . har har
I come back to this every time I think about it--I wonder if I really need any help because I AM ok in regular life. but I know it's under there somewhere. Plus now I'm "dealing" with my mom. that gives me "feelings" about what kind of mother she was--bringing that situation on me. So, now I'm crying and I know I DO need help. I can skate on a frozen pond as long as it doesn't crack. But as soon as it cracks I am dealing with a flood. Like right now. I can't be depressed about my mom and stay home having a love affair with the tv if Oprah is going to be about incest. I have to shelter myself and I'm still gonna get hit with emotions some other way.
Well it is interesting at least.
I'm ok with taking everything slow. I'm afraid though, that I'm missing a window where I need to be doing something to grieve that I'm not, and I'll never be able to again.
I'm just SO blah, and every day I wonder how long this will go on. I feel guilty for not being super entertaining, though I know for sure I'm doing ok because we have a Christmas tree with wrapped presents under it. I'm treading water ok. Is that ok?? maybe it is and by worrying, I'm just over dramatizing.
Now the real problem today; I went to my girlfriend's this morning-I told her I was depressed and needed to visit. We got to talking and yesterdays Oprah was about Mackenzie Phillips from the tv show "One Day At A Time", who revealed in a new book that she had a long term sexual relationship with her father. Oprah asked her to explain how it became consensual over time, and she (Oprah) was pretty cold about it. I talked openly to my friend about my experience with that. I started telling her about my time working with my therapist and how it affected me strongly, and my confusion about how upset I could feel, and sick, but then life goes on and i pack it all back away. It's a trip really! Well Mackenzie Phillips talked about how incest is more common than we think, but it's just so shameful and all that. I have to agree; while it's very fashionable to take antidepressants, or have a child with autism, or even be a sex abuse survivor, incest is so ugly and for lack of a better word, dorky. maybe it's mental damage telling me it's dorky and unattractive
So, I went to the library and did a search and there was only ONE book at the library. Not that they were all checked out, but they just dont have too many. There's 3 or 4 at in the system. But I was surprised to learn how under discussed the subject is. I read the one book they did have while S played. The book was in the juvenile area with the kid self help books-- "The Guide to Moving In With Grandma" and "How to Deal With Divorce".... It was called "Everything You Ever Needed To Know About Incest" It was just sickening. I mean, the book wasn't, only I recognized that I started feeling nauseous and shaky. So I came home and I was just looking up survivor groups, seeing what's out there. It is very sparse! 1/2 the sites are stupid pervert "lesbian twin incest" . har har
I come back to this every time I think about it--I wonder if I really need any help because I AM ok in regular life. but I know it's under there somewhere. Plus now I'm "dealing" with my mom. that gives me "feelings" about what kind of mother she was--bringing that situation on me. So, now I'm crying and I know I DO need help. I can skate on a frozen pond as long as it doesn't crack. But as soon as it cracks I am dealing with a flood. Like right now. I can't be depressed about my mom and stay home having a love affair with the tv if Oprah is going to be about incest. I have to shelter myself and I'm still gonna get hit with emotions some other way.
Well it is interesting at least.
Tuesday, November 24, 2009
journal. often.
Been watching Oprah lately. I don't remember ever getting into her show much, but I like it. Yesterday was about sex addiction and Dr. Drew Pinsky was the guest. The majority of sex addicts have some major trauma from childhood. So that got me to thinking because I really related to a lot of the discussion. I'm not a sex addict, but, like most people, I could definitely relate to the discussion. Haven't we all obsessed about a paramour (fancy man: a woman's lover)To some degree anyway. Or used sex as a tool or played games?
Well, the rub for me about this show (rub), is that the "major traumas" discussed seemed tame. I don't mean that. I mean, I guess it's natural for me to compare myself, but they seemed tame in comparison to my experience. And I'm not a sex addict. But I DO have my share of other addictions and and addictions are ALL symptoms of the bigger issues. Drugs, alcohol, sex, food, they're all tools we use aren't they? To cover up. Bury. Hide. Protect.
Well, the rub for me about this show (rub), is that the "major traumas" discussed seemed tame. I don't mean that. I mean, I guess it's natural for me to compare myself, but they seemed tame in comparison to my experience. And I'm not a sex addict. But I DO have my share of other addictions and and addictions are ALL symptoms of the bigger issues. Drugs, alcohol, sex, food, they're all tools we use aren't they? To cover up. Bury. Hide. Protect.
Monday, October 26, 2009
Deeper and deeper
I didn't go to the gym at all last week and I thought i just needed time to be comfortable in my house. Get it clean and organized, to feel secure.
Today is Monday, and All I'm doing is watching movies and going through all the kids clothes. Sorting, stacking, organizing things to give away. Its definitely an undertaking, and I'm feeling happy to be home. But I'm just noticing I'm leaving the house less and less. I'm not paranoid to leave and I have plans every other day this week. Is it even bad that I'm sticking around the house? Maybe I normally leave too much and this is how it should be. Mike and I did the grocery shopping yesterday so I don't have to go to the store like I normally do every day. I guess it's ok
I haven't had a shower since Saturday afternoon. I still have my makeup on from the Masquerade Ball. I keep putting it off. I have to do this first, then that, then something else. I guess that's pretty gross but I don't stink...
We're going to ID for Thanksgiving. I don't know how I feel about that. I'm excited to go of course, I LOVE my in-laws. But I see how my life is playing out right now and I LIKE it so it's taking me WAY out of my comfort zone. I guess by then it will be a good time to stop this foolish isolation and get back to it. I know I can tell my MIL anything and I'm usually very comfortable. But every time we get on the phone lately I hear this fake cheerful voice coming out of my mouth. I try to be genuine and let her know I'm feeling off, but in the same breath say I'm OK and Happy. I mean I am!... it's just so confusing and I feel like no one understands me.
Hopefully the hospice counseling coordinator lady calls me back today.
Today is Monday, and All I'm doing is watching movies and going through all the kids clothes. Sorting, stacking, organizing things to give away. Its definitely an undertaking, and I'm feeling happy to be home. But I'm just noticing I'm leaving the house less and less. I'm not paranoid to leave and I have plans every other day this week. Is it even bad that I'm sticking around the house? Maybe I normally leave too much and this is how it should be. Mike and I did the grocery shopping yesterday so I don't have to go to the store like I normally do every day. I guess it's ok
I haven't had a shower since Saturday afternoon. I still have my makeup on from the Masquerade Ball. I keep putting it off. I have to do this first, then that, then something else. I guess that's pretty gross but I don't stink...
We're going to ID for Thanksgiving. I don't know how I feel about that. I'm excited to go of course, I LOVE my in-laws. But I see how my life is playing out right now and I LIKE it so it's taking me WAY out of my comfort zone. I guess by then it will be a good time to stop this foolish isolation and get back to it. I know I can tell my MIL anything and I'm usually very comfortable. But every time we get on the phone lately I hear this fake cheerful voice coming out of my mouth. I try to be genuine and let her know I'm feeling off, but in the same breath say I'm OK and Happy. I mean I am!... it's just so confusing and I feel like no one understands me.
Hopefully the hospice counseling coordinator lady calls me back today.
Friday, October 23, 2009
Isolating
I'm having such a strong urge to isolate myself. Just putter around the house and clean. Being organized makes me feel secure. I'm tired but I won't go to bed. I want my mom.
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