dirty text ideas?

Hubby is on a business trip....



Today I ate a banana, went to the gym and worked out (running .25 mile to warm up, weights for 30 min, swimming for 10 min) was kinda light. I felt weak :-( maybe I should eat more before... then I had a half serving of muscle milk. Then I starved till dinner and we went to buffalo wild wings (that was the kids choice). I had a buncha buffalo wings, fries, nachos... Then I rushed home to purge. Then we went out and did a couple more fun things. now I'm eating crap to purge again. sooo nice. that's my life right now.



I keep crying lately. My moms death anniversary is saturday and I figured out, that's probably why the easy crying.



School starts soon. then I'll have a better routine. then soon I can think about getting off laxatives. then soon I can think about quitting purging... soon soon soon soon soon

if ya wanna have fun then do somethig cray zay

like flash you're titties!!!



haw haw, ok that's a song I didnt just make that up......



AAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHH ok, so today so far I've had) a granola bar, coffee with a little milk. Then I went to see The Help by myself at the movies (it was so good and the first time I've gone alone to the movies in around 10 years I need to do that more often) and I had a small popcorn and diet coke. I didn't have them add butter to the popcorn but that shit is still naughty. I'm still dreaming about that BIG YUMMY burrito I had last night I want that again so bad right now. But instead, I passed qudoba's right on by and got a coffee instead. I have AA tonight and then I'm picking up my kids. Husband is out of town for the next few days. I think I WILL get candy before my meeting this time. I'm too hungry to not nibble.......



I got a new sexy inspiration. Kay the other night I put on my glasses and gave my husband a look and I was thinking "naughty secretary" but then HE said something about detention so he was thinking "naughty teacher" I cant do the naughty teacher bit. But I CAN get a business suit and not say anything (no acting please!! too embarrassing) but wear thigh highs and high heels and play the horny business woman.... So I need to shop for a good business suit.

I hope so

I was down to 122 for one tiny bit a month or so ago. But mostly I was sticking around 123-124. Then it started creeping up on me... Add my period to that AND I was slacking at the gym big time all of August, I got up to 128!!! AAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH That's practically 130, I'm not ok with that. I'm having a hard time getting in my tiny new clothes.



Sunday, I had a peach for breakfast and the naughty creamer in my coffee. Then at lunch I had (very nice from the deli) turkey slices wrapped in big lettuce leaves for lunch and a couple of tortilla strips. Total for the day at that point was 386 cals. I was swoozy and starved and had a headache. Then I b/p'd twice from dinner on....



Monday, I had oatmeal for breakfast, didn't eat my whole serving. Also had coffee with 2%. Lunch I had maybe one cup of a totally dry fresh chicken salad I made: Chicken, almond slices, apples, celery, lemon juice, herb seasoning. My cals for the day at this point was only 223. Then we went to Qudobas for dinner UGH! It was SOOOOO delish. Usually I get a naked burrito and purge it anyway so THIS time, I got a regular nasty burrito. OMG it was so good. NO idea how many calories (well I have an idea but.....) and I purged it. Then after hubby went to bed I had a little b/p session and I love it when this happens: first of all, cereal is SO easy to purge especially life cereal. Then at the end, I could taste just pure yellow bile (gross I know). my stomach was EMPTY, and I know because I got a total low blood sugar attack. SO swoozy and tunnel vision, and shakes..... I had a little peanut butter and crackers. I'm stealing this from another blogger friend (hi friend) but peanut butter is my secret weapon. I eat it plenty and I still loose. It plays SOME kind of trick on my bod. Maybe it's not a secret weapon but it doesn't hurt I SWEAR.



Today I'm at 126, so, on my way back down. I saw a girl at IKEA this weekend who had my dream bod. She was probably 110, a little shorter. So slender, but tan and you could tell she works out. Like I'M guessing she has an ED, but she didn't have that ED look that other people notice. and I swear to God, it's the tan. Tan and a little muscle definition is all you need to trick people. And if anyone says anything like "you're not anorexic are you" you just show em your big muscle and say "you can't have good muscles if you don't eat" and give them a wink and then, no worries. ;->



I want to get down to 113, then maintain around 118. I'm 5'5"

bummed now better

Sunday we went to a sporting even with the kids.... I was obsessed with how many fat people I was seeing. I felt a little cramped in the seats and I'm like, normal size.If you call this normal.... I still think my legs look squished into these shorts, but I'm sitting.



How do people sit if they are overweight?

they don't.

I really do feel horrible about putting this picture. But I really was having a hard time enjoying the day with my kids because I was worried about this, and I wanted to share that with you guys. I think it's a little over the top for me to obsess like that. Also, it was HOT.... UGH



I am happy that I can kind of see the lines in my chest here



I was SO BLAH for so long!! No inspiration! No drive! Last night I was in a bad mood and wanted to post about it but just didn't feel like it. Lame. I got so mad because I wanted my husband to HURRY UP and go to bed already!!!! So I could purge. I hate it when my mood and life is affected because I can't purge when I need to. I have had dreams TWICE lately about that too--that I ate and can't find a place/way to purge. I haven't been to the gym in TEN DAYS. depressing.



I know what I need to do to stop this horrible cycle, and I just haven't had the will to do it. This morning, just now, I made a healthy juice--2 huge servings worth. Carrots, cucumber, apples, lemons, kale, celery, spinach. when I was buying all that stuff on Sunday I knew I needed to juice, but I didn't WANT TO. I just wanted to be lazy and fat and eat like a hog and be a bitch. Today is Tues, and I finally got in there and did it. I couldn't think of what to do for dinner. But then I drank a little bit of my juice and got inspired and I'm gonna have fajita veggies and brown rice.

off to the gym....



UPDATE:

I did it! followed my plan perfectly. Drank my juices and starved all day. It was wonderful!! Then had my planned supper like a good girl. Now I have my AA meeting and I usually eat candy the whole time but I'm gonna be good tonight. I have a friendship bracelet to make to keep my hands busy so I don't go apeshit sitting still :-) No binging and purging all day AAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHH! I feel so elated. Just yesterday I couldn't NOT do it.... whew. what a relief.

xo

If I do say so myself

Callypigian

Went to the nude beach that's my fave today. I'm still kid free till Sat. It's been really nice but I miss them but it's been really nice :-)



I've been talking a lot lately with my husband AND my bff about my ED. I read my blog from one year ago to now and I was doing so well before with eating right and working out and only using purging once in a while when I screwed up. NOW I purge 2 times a day at least and eat CRAP. I need to get back on TRACK!! Maybe I should get skinny bitch again and get inspired. That really helped me before... I just didn't want to put anything nasty in my body in the first place and taco bell was SOOOOO out of the question.



skinny bitch it is then..... dammit

vlizzity

As you wish

This was me when the fire department came by to do an inspection.... A firetruck full of firemen came to the complex. Probably the cutest one of the bunch (aren't they ALL cute though sheesh) came to my door (I'm the manager) and I was just doing things around the house and getting ready to go to the gym. I was gonna wear a tank top OVER that sports bra. Some cool asses DO just wear the sports bra top to work out. But I can't do that, cuz, well, it's dorky. anyway. the cutie pie fireman came to my door and I answered it cuz I didn't know it was just an inspection of the property. He looked at me, looked me up and down and said "yes mam, well, um, we, uh, are here from that firestation down the street there, and uh.... (bla bla we wanna check the place out)" but he was seriously dumbfounded. And I was tickled pink!

So then I wanted to show you guys that, but I thought the picture looked a little beefy. I like slender/athletic. Not JUST athletic. I still have a ways to go to get to the slender part. SO this picture is better.


I didnt' want you all thinking I'm trying to look like mary lou retton

cuz I'm not....

I'm still 122.? every day I go to the gym. Today it was 122.5 at the end of the gym..... I still b/p every day. the last several mornings I haven't been eating breakfast at all. What I WAS doing was eating breakfast (oatmeal or a banana) and coffee. then I would sometimes be good till dinner (not purge lunch), then just go apeshit all night from dinner on. then it became where I would start going apeshit earlier like starting at lunch. Today, I didn't eat anything till dinner. EXCEPT a wheatgrass shot from jamba juice. Then we went to sushi which can be good but I always eat nasty junk sushi like vegas rolls (roll of crab salad with mayo, avocado, cream cheese, light tempura battered then deep fried!) I did pretty well until I ordered a vegas roll on purpose and ended up having TWO which honestly probably was at least 500 cals just for those 2. I also had some shrimp tempura roll which contains a deep fried shrimp.... Its all so yummy. I was debating the whole time with myself, that if I was good, I should keep it down and NOT WORRY I didn't eat all fuckin day. But then my husband asked if we wanted to go to the mall to walk it off, I just went crazy and ate more than I normally (what does that mean anymore--normally) would. Then I felt guilty, ashamed, nauseous. I couldn't get to a bathroom fast enough. I tried so hard to be ok with it, but UGH, I just couldn't. I went to the family bathrooms at the mall--they're individual with a sink and toilets all inside a locked door. SO private. But they were all full so I sat down and waited for what felt like forever, feeling so ashamed. I had my arms wrapped around my tummy rocking back and forth.... Waiting waiting, sick, gross, hurry fuck!! then two teenage guys came out of one (???) and I did my thing... then I went to Dicks Sporting goods to try on fitness shorts. I tried on SEVERAL pairs and I cant find a kind that look good on me... I think I'm the tight capri workout pants type. Plus my fitness skirt is hecka cute.

OK so listen to THIS: see in the second picture I'm wearing sandals? well I was wearing those when I went to the gym and I forgot to change into tennies. So I had to wear those lame things to lift weights. what a dork