So I have acne and my hair is falling out. Husband and I are on this whole vegan thing together. I am committed. I think eating meat is wrong, especially in the factory produced system we have. Even if it's not factory, I think the best health comes from a plant based diet. But hair falling out and bad skin is not a good outcome!!! And I know the truth is that I throw up and don't absorb any good nutrients. I mean this is all generally speaking. From when I posted last, I was eating SO LITTLE and then puking when I did eat, and whatever I ate wasn't some buttery juicy fat. It was like, kale salad. SO I KNOW the real reason my hair is falling and I have cystic acne RIGHT on my chin where my hand rubs and presses when I'm purging, is from the puking. So I confessed to husband again. He was confused because he SEES I don't buy bad foods and he just didn't get WHY I would do that if I'm not even eating anything bad. I tried explaining, Its just that full feeling that makes me panic and sometimes I can't stop eating tortilla chips (my guilty pleasure) so I feel like I have to purge and I say fuck it and eat every "good" food in my house. At LEAST I don't even buy naughty treats anymore. AT LEAST that. I got a RX for the acne and then decided not to take it. I know if I really eat right and KEEP it in, my skin will be the envy of all. Everyone still TELLS me I look great and my skin is super. I'm like, I KNOW I'm not fuckin imagining this shit. But I'm not taking that med, it goes against my whole reasonfor eating well and making my own everything (beauty products) lately. Its just not the best to take that I know. If I dont purge and I still have a problem, then we'll talk. After that confesssion, I didn't puke for 2 days, then I did for 2 days then I didn't for 2 days again, then I did tonight. So, I'm still working on it. I was puking 3 times a day, now like 3 times a week..... I also got Glycolic acid from Sephora again. that stuff worked to give me rad skin and HELLOOOOOO THE GYM??? I need to get back swimming that has always erased zits for me too.... ZITS!!?? I just turned 37 on Monday. wtf.
ok I have to go to bed.
love you girls
Thursday, August 16, 2012
Friday, August 3, 2012
desperate to purge
yesterday mid-day I was 135ish. when I went to bed I was 137 blah. when I got up in the am today I was 133.8 I didn't eat all day till 4pm I had veggies n a lil hummus. Its my big sons birthday so we went out and he had pizza and a milkshake! haha!! I had that hummus deal, then came home and purged. THEN I went on the scale (obsessed much) and I was 134 fully dressed with jeans and shoes so I fuckin stripped. 132.6 aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh I was so ecstatic. THEN we went to Fro Yo and I had a little non dairy gluten free pineapple flavor with toasted coconut & little mochi balls. I needed to run a couple errands so I dropped all boys off at home and went out. It was 9pm and I was just so antsy to purge that froyo. I went to a special store JUST to buy apples cuz they are the only store with these certain apples. they have a nice bathroom, but it's not a one person it has stalls. so I totally figured no one would be in there. and no one was! wheew. So I get in there and of course someone walked in. perfect. I tried to fidget with my phone and wait for them to leave but it was obvs not happening so I was like WHATEVER THANKS ALOT!! in my inside voice. Now I was just DESPERATE to purge and I knew it was too late. I was so grossed out that I ate that and I'm sure it was a globby lump in my tummy. well I came home and ate a rice noodle ramen. purged that and got SOOOOO Swoozy and stoned just like the good old days. difference is: back then I would wuss out and eat spoon after spoon of honey, or chocolate. Just ravenous and no control. tonight I just drank a FULL glass of water and took my vitamins (RX meds, flax oil, adult chewable multi) and sat on the couch and just felt my feelings instead of trying to escape. Its a little unpleasant but I don't want to jeopardize that 132 something and starving all day just to hog out on chocolate. well I don't even BUY myself chocolate anymore.... ALSO in the olden days I would eat a LOT of ritz crackers and peanut butter every night after my purge. Now I eat an apple and MAYBE some peanut butter.
Its big son's birthday and thank God we got him a couple little things in advance because payday is sun and I had to just run up a credit card to take him out and about today. I didn't even get his "big" present yet and I feel like a looser mom. money things suck and stress me out. I wonder every day: should I go to school, or should i get a job..... ugh
Its big son's birthday and thank God we got him a couple little things in advance because payday is sun and I had to just run up a credit card to take him out and about today. I didn't even get his "big" present yet and I feel like a looser mom. money things suck and stress me out. I wonder every day: should I go to school, or should i get a job..... ugh
Wednesday, August 1, 2012
hi girls TMI WARNING
Long time no see eh? I've been ok. Time to start blogging more. I have my other public one and I am so fake over there I HAVE to get my real talk out somewhere. I'm not really "fake" over there, just leave pretty much all my feelings or drama out.
So lets see. Today I'm in a daze because I got some confusing as shit test results back. A few months ago, I made seitan--AKA "wheat meat". it is a meat substitute, very high protien, made from wheat gluten. I had really bad stomach consequences and something just clicked: maybe I have gluten issues. Because I have stomach issues ALL the time every day. A HUGE bloated gassy tummy, hurting so bad, ruining my life, no gas ever coming OUT. Just BOING BONG-ing around in my gullet .... I'm surprised I never thought of the gluten thing sooner. So that was the last week in April. I started right then to cut gluten out. For about 2 months (may & june) I was gluten free--but I was making a huge mistake. I was still having "issues" and I thought maybe it wasn't gluten at all that was the problem. I started cutting out other things around this time too. Cut dairy, and stopped taking laxatives (I'M OFF LAXATIVES!!!). Then I started REALLY scrutinizing labels and found out I wasn't gluten free all the way!!! Being vegan, I eat lots of stir fries, and I went to sushi lots.... Guess what is in soy sauce (and therefore every teriyaki sauce, stir fry sauce....) WHEAT. So I went 100% Gluten free starting around july 4th. Add that to the no dairy, and the no laxatives, my tummy has never been happier. So I go get this blood work done to test for gluten antibodies. Celiac disease and just general gluten sensitivities. That was july 23-after 2 full months of gluten free, and about 3 weeks STRICTLY gluten free. Well guess what. The tests came back "normal"... I was so confused and spaced out over this all day. Then I read a whole bunch on the internet (duh) about false negatives. 3 top search results on google said you HAVE to be eating gluten when you get tested. If you think you have a problem and you WANT an official diagnosis, get the test BEFORE you try elimination diet experimenting. I talked to my husband and I talked to my sponsor and I feel better now. I know the deal, and I know what works for me and I'm sticking to it. I'm very frustrated with my doctor right now because I asked him SPECIFICALLY if I should be eating gluten before the test and he said no, it won't matter. I've been watching a million TED talks, and documentaries and I'm like OVER the whole medical industry. You know, I've been working with this same doctor for a few years now and he has never ONCE asked me what I eat/how I eat/if I exercise. I tell him sometimes, I'll say "I rode my bike here" or "I'm trying this gluten free experiment. He could give a flying fuck. I heard a statistic in one of these documentaries that doctors only get 2 hours of nutrition "training" in ALL of medical school. This one little fact makes me NUTS. JUST NUTS. I can't take it
***this is the TMI part***
anyway. what else. Ok want some more drama? SO I'm pretty sure I've mentioned before that I'm a sex abuse survivor. Well, another thing I talked to my doctor about is I have some disfigurement on my vagina. From that abuse. Its that my inner labia are TOO LONG. They tear!!!! they get torn right where it connects to the clitoral hood (TMI) and I'll get shooting pain all over the area, and it will get infected super easy. RUINS my sex life. I told him I'm ready to talk about options. So he was supposed to do a Pap smear that day, but he referred me to get in with a GYNO doc specialist. I need to call and make an appt that reminds me... anyway, this is HUGE. I have never even fully gone through this problem (the whole trauma not just my vag) in therapy. I've skimmed the surface but I always wuss out and loose my shit. I can never get all the way through it. So anyway, it would just be so crazy for me. To not have that pain, annoyance, and constant reminder. BUT we're talking about SURGERY on my tutu. Cutting, stitches..... ugh I just can't even think of it right now. I'm just going to take it step by step.
as far as ED goes, I've been doing the same as I have the last year. Puking once or twice a day, sometimes more. only now I never binge on taco bell or top ramen. I just puke my regular (pretty frikken healthy) meals WHEN/if I eat. Tonight, I rode my bike 10 miles and at the end, both my legs were cramped so bad and i know it's because I didn't eat enough all day before hand. But I'm still 135 pounds and I want to loose!
Today I ate:
Coffee with soy creamer (didn't puke)
Tortilla chips, probably in truth 2 servings (didn't puke)
Bikeride
Vegan (no tuna) salad and more chips (puked)
a giant apple, and some peanut butter (didn't puke) just right now....
So lets see. Today I'm in a daze because I got some confusing as shit test results back. A few months ago, I made seitan--AKA "wheat meat". it is a meat substitute, very high protien, made from wheat gluten. I had really bad stomach consequences and something just clicked: maybe I have gluten issues. Because I have stomach issues ALL the time every day. A HUGE bloated gassy tummy, hurting so bad, ruining my life, no gas ever coming OUT. Just BOING BONG-ing around in my gullet .... I'm surprised I never thought of the gluten thing sooner. So that was the last week in April. I started right then to cut gluten out. For about 2 months (may & june) I was gluten free--but I was making a huge mistake. I was still having "issues" and I thought maybe it wasn't gluten at all that was the problem. I started cutting out other things around this time too. Cut dairy, and stopped taking laxatives (I'M OFF LAXATIVES!!!). Then I started REALLY scrutinizing labels and found out I wasn't gluten free all the way!!! Being vegan, I eat lots of stir fries, and I went to sushi lots.... Guess what is in soy sauce (and therefore every teriyaki sauce, stir fry sauce....) WHEAT. So I went 100% Gluten free starting around july 4th. Add that to the no dairy, and the no laxatives, my tummy has never been happier. So I go get this blood work done to test for gluten antibodies. Celiac disease and just general gluten sensitivities. That was july 23-after 2 full months of gluten free, and about 3 weeks STRICTLY gluten free. Well guess what. The tests came back "normal"... I was so confused and spaced out over this all day. Then I read a whole bunch on the internet (duh) about false negatives. 3 top search results on google said you HAVE to be eating gluten when you get tested. If you think you have a problem and you WANT an official diagnosis, get the test BEFORE you try elimination diet experimenting. I talked to my husband and I talked to my sponsor and I feel better now. I know the deal, and I know what works for me and I'm sticking to it. I'm very frustrated with my doctor right now because I asked him SPECIFICALLY if I should be eating gluten before the test and he said no, it won't matter. I've been watching a million TED talks, and documentaries and I'm like OVER the whole medical industry. You know, I've been working with this same doctor for a few years now and he has never ONCE asked me what I eat/how I eat/if I exercise. I tell him sometimes, I'll say "I rode my bike here" or "I'm trying this gluten free experiment. He could give a flying fuck. I heard a statistic in one of these documentaries that doctors only get 2 hours of nutrition "training" in ALL of medical school. This one little fact makes me NUTS. JUST NUTS. I can't take it
***this is the TMI part***
anyway. what else. Ok want some more drama? SO I'm pretty sure I've mentioned before that I'm a sex abuse survivor. Well, another thing I talked to my doctor about is I have some disfigurement on my vagina. From that abuse. Its that my inner labia are TOO LONG. They tear!!!! they get torn right where it connects to the clitoral hood (TMI) and I'll get shooting pain all over the area, and it will get infected super easy. RUINS my sex life. I told him I'm ready to talk about options. So he was supposed to do a Pap smear that day, but he referred me to get in with a GYNO doc specialist. I need to call and make an appt that reminds me... anyway, this is HUGE. I have never even fully gone through this problem (the whole trauma not just my vag) in therapy. I've skimmed the surface but I always wuss out and loose my shit. I can never get all the way through it. So anyway, it would just be so crazy for me. To not have that pain, annoyance, and constant reminder. BUT we're talking about SURGERY on my tutu. Cutting, stitches..... ugh I just can't even think of it right now. I'm just going to take it step by step.
as far as ED goes, I've been doing the same as I have the last year. Puking once or twice a day, sometimes more. only now I never binge on taco bell or top ramen. I just puke my regular (pretty frikken healthy) meals WHEN/if I eat. Tonight, I rode my bike 10 miles and at the end, both my legs were cramped so bad and i know it's because I didn't eat enough all day before hand. But I'm still 135 pounds and I want to loose!
Today I ate:
Coffee with soy creamer (didn't puke)
Tortilla chips, probably in truth 2 servings (didn't puke)
Bikeride
Vegan (no tuna) salad and more chips (puked)
a giant apple, and some peanut butter (didn't puke) just right now....
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