all my dreams came true yesterday

We went to Clackamas Aquatic park yesterday. It's an indoor pool, slides, fun place across town. I would never go there, but I got a Groupon to get us in cheap. THEN We couldn't use it cuz it was the wrong day of the week LAME, but they still let the whole family in for $12 which is still cheap. ANYWAY, during the summer, we always take the kiddos to Wilson pool:
And every time I've ever gone has been pure torture the entire time. Embarrassed of my fat ass and whole body. Jealous of the other moms there who look fit and sexy. YA, when I see fat moms with pasty skin, I totally make excuses for them that apply to me too: She's a mom, she doesn't need to be sexy anymore, it's HARD to find time for yourself, etc etc.... But while that stuff COULD apply to me, last year I was like FUCK THAT I'M gonna be one of the MILF's at the pool. And I AM. At the aquatic park I was arguably the hottest mom there! In the whole place! there were a couple of other NON fat moms, but I thought they had weird bodies. The only girls that had tighter bods were teenagers. I was wearing the swimsuit below in the tan pic. SO cool I swear.

THEN we went to Clackamas town center--its a big ol mall on that side of town we never go to. Clackamas is 15 min outside of Portland on the east side. I live in Beaverton which is 10 min outside of Portland on the west side. Anyway, the mall over there is very nice and we went to the food court for lunch. I let the kids get pizza, husband got "cajun grill" which is really chinese food and has nothing to do with cajun.... I didn't know what to get. There was a thai place, but they didn't have lemongrass soup or salad rolls, or any thai curries.... it was ACTUALLY Chinese food too (fried rice, chow mein) like the "cajun" place. And I don't mean authentic chinese okay so don't bust me. I mean Panda Express style. it's lame that mall food courts have a million panda express wannabe's AND a panda express. Lloyd Center (mall in dwontown portland) has a thai place called Steamers and they have lemongrass soup and salad rolls. ANYWAY this place didn't. But I went to the bathroom to pee and they have THE BEST public restrooms for purging I have seen yet. It made me want to eat JUST so I could use it for that. The only place I've seen a better bathroom for purging are the places that have individual bathrooms. THAT'S the best. I couldn't find anything I wanted to eat so I just didn't.

OK so that all was sunday. On Saturday, the kiddos went to have a sleepover at a friends house! YAY! There are no good movies for a mom n dad to go see with no kids, so we just went to a couple of places I've been to recently to look at lingerie. I wanted hubby's opinion: trashy, schoolgirl, classy boudoir..... Then we went out for sushi and it was REALLY good. Then we went to Powells books--biggest bookstore ever. We usually go on weekend nights with the kids and never get to look at what WE want and just browse forever like i LOVE. I went straight to the bathroom and I WAS able to purge. it was in the handicapped stall, and there was enough action in there that it was loud enough and I could flush a lot to cover up. SWEET. Then we went to the "pearl" room which has all the art and rare books. And there's a case that has naughty books I've always been curious about. They're "art" books which contain pornography. Some books around the case, which are not locked up, are: The Big Book of Boobs, a similar book about dicks, some Playboy books, etc.... But in the CASE are ones that are probably illegal. I asked to see one called "Innocence" something or other, and another called "sisters". They were both JUST what I thought: Naked pictures of girls. I was SHOCKED. I literally gasped out loud. Husband was uncomfortable and looked at something on a shelf behind me- a book about paper art haha.... The "innocence" book was disturbing. All the girls looked like they were TRYING to be sexy but they just looked angry. Because girls that age don't know HOW to be sexy. Some of them were wearing hats like Mormons, or fundamentalist Christians of SOME sort. OH, they were average age 12 or younger. Little boobie buds, and some had no pubic hair. Sickening. Who owns this book? Surely this one isn't the only copy..... Makes me mad.

I'll jump on.... Ladies I love

Madonna..... Ya, that picture of a back superimposed on the picture of her back is me..... hee hee



Uma Thurman... I love those collars in Gattaca. so graceful and proper.



Nadja Aurmann... She was my fave super model. Well I had a few but she was different and did a lot with bleaching her hair and cutting it so short. and she has freckles so cute!



Amber Valetta... My room was wallpapered in supermodels. I LOVED Amber. then she started being in movies and I still like her but I just don't love her the same. It's like the mystique dissapeared for me



Juliette Lewis. LOVE her in Natural Born Killers "HOW SEXY AM I NOW FUCKER!!" She's so raw and real I just love it. Plus people used to always tell me I looked like her when that movie came out. I didn't have a mullet I swear. It was just endearing.




People used to always tell me I looked like Janine Turner too (cinnamon!) and I love her but I'm not trying to have any of the same girls as you all.. I DON'T look like her, but I DO put that beauty mark by my eye sometimes :-)

And Isabella Rosellini--she's up there with Madonna in my book. SO lovely and an example for all women.

Fun with Pictures: Tanning Before/After

check it out yall

OK that's SO NOT what's on my mind. I've been avoiding writing this. I don't want it to be true. But I'm REALLY frustrated with my binging/Purging behavior. I HAAAATE every second of it, but then I still do it every day. three times. ugh! I'm stuffing my gullet as we speak. Sapporo Ichiban Ramen. So salty and delish. Tonight we went to fucking stupid shit ass Round Table Pizza "family night" buffet. How shameful and sickening is that?? I told my husband i don't want to eat that, I'll eat later. But I felt like it was so shady to sit there and not eat at a buffet, like they would spy and bust me if I had ONE nibble of my kids salad or something. I was embarrassed. So then I thought WELL I can just eat a salad, and we were on a BIKE RIDE so it's OKAY to eat a little something healthy. But of course I hogged out. I thought there was a chance I might not be able to be alone in the bathroom after but MIRACLE it worked out. And I was elated after, I got away with it..

Lately it's been really hard to get the purge to happen. the muscles on my arm are sore from the gag thrust. Every time I binge I gross out so bad and have self loathing. Maybe I should just embrace it?? DAMN

anyway, I'm really happy with the tanning results. I'm still going. I'm taking fish oil to keep my skin supple and using so many lovely lotions. My favorite at the moment is SOOOOOOO CHEAP and cheezy but totally works, is this:
FIVE BUCKS and it is SOOO not greasy, makes my skin feel soft. I'm gonna go shower and use use it right now. right after I purge that is.

To answer a question

THIS, Peri, is a Stum Flap


and now I will add another shameless bikini pic to make up for the embarrassment of sharing that. No one else in the world ever sees that kinda detail of my gross tummy. Check out those cray zay stretch marks.... My C-Section makes it worse because the scar causes it to pull inward. Like they sewed me shut SO tight so there's forever a pucker there. I can smooth it out though its my fuckin mission! I'm so determined fuck that!

In the target change room with my cell phone, everything is just a tad blurry and no one needs to know the truth.


xo

I need new lingerie

I've been looking all over and I found some I like that's around $30 an outfit. Totally doable. Soon... Tonight I asked M if he wanted me to wear thigh highs and a garter belt. He said ya. So I put on a bunch of odds n ends that don't match and it looked stupid so I only kept on the thigh highs.... these exact ones. All the candles in the room were lit, I put on Neutrogena Body Oil so I was shiny in the candlelight and SO TAN. my Stum flap is TOTALLY almost gone you guys. I bent over in a sexy pose when he walked in it was perfect. It all just keeps getting better. Our sex life is SO amazing and I love it and I'm not self conscious the whole time.

totally cute and cheap outfits

Just went to the thrift store and got a couple of CUTE things.

First, This LeTigre Skirt. SO cute! Size 1/2 (OMFG) There are pockets under the flaps. That shirt belongs to my 8 year old son. sweet







Next, We have a lovely Bebe Top size 6 and Express Cuffed Capri's size 4. EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!



I haven't eaten all day. I woke up with a cold FUCK. AND I started my period OMG I just remembered I went to victoria secret and tried something cute on..... one sec let me download that pic.....I know I didn't need to say all that "hang on let me down load it" stuff......
Isn't that cute?? I didn't buy that though. Its just fun for me these days to go JUST to try shit on. Husband watches the kids, I go have some fun. I tried to go to fredericks last night with the kiddos while daddy was at a soccer game (portland timbers). But that was a fiasco. The little one ended up hurting himself while I was in the change room. I had one boob hanging out of this "totally inappropriate for my 8 year old to see mom in" ridiculous thing, and he DID see me. it was just embarassing. I said "this is NOT cute" and he goes, "ya it is!!" wrong.......

Tonight we're going downtown to Powells Books and I'm going to sneak away to Sparticus. Its an adult store across the street and Husband said I can have some alone time there to try on more fun stuff. Maybe buy something.

Like I said, I haven't eaten all day. Trying on clothes is total motivation to tighten up more. I'm gonna do some crunches and more on the floor right now. my stum flap is getting smaller. Tonight I WILL eat, but I'll most likely purge too....
xo

Key Lime Pie

I had Key lime pie on Easter for the fist time and it was love at first bite. I got some again yesterday- Edwards single serving in the freezer section. it's single serve but it really has 2 servings you're supposed to share. HAHAHA! no way of course I ate it all by my hog self. I did my usual purge from lunch on yesterday and yes, so far today. I ave been having a harder time getting started purging, but I'm also better at getting it all out in the end. It's like I get more mad from the beginning being so hard.... I shove my fist up under my ribs, bend over, shove half the other hand down my throat........

Today for lunch we had a Gyros sandwich and the Gyro meat was gross. it was like the beef in a can of dinty moore stew Tasted kinda like dogfood smells. But everything else about the sandwich is redeeming. I also got an extra side of babaganouj. UGH! so good. and now my tummy is empty and growling because I purged it all and that feels even better. :-(

I feel bad "bragging" about that. but I did it and it's part of my deal. so there's that.

bony ass

I love feeling my bony wrists, and feet, and hip bones
and seeing my ribs and muscles.

I'm gonna go veg for reals again on Mothers day. I just need a special day to make it important ya know? not doing it for my mom or anything. you know, now that I think about it, my weight was STUCK for the months I was being veg. maybe I should make my date the 4th of july or something. I should be down to an acceptable weight to get stuck at by then. I dont know. I dont' want to wait that long. I got sick a lot too!? but it was winter and there was shit going around. coincidence? FUCK. now I don't know. but how could juicing and eating WELL get me sick all the time. I can see the weight stuck thing--I was eating plenty of fruit and treats too. But sick? dang. Well, I can just keep experimenting....

Maybe a juice fast is in order to kick off, and get me off the b/ping.....