Check in

I feel kinda bad for not posting for so long. I read everyone's though. I guess I don't feel like I have anything juicy to tell about. Well I'll give it a shot.

For Christmas, I got: some hair accessories, a sport bra, and a yoga mat. I got my husband a bunch of exercise stuff like resistance bands, and a yoga mat and a fitness ball. He totally uses that stuff. One kid got a keyboard and the other got a couple play sets. I made trail mix and scarves for other friends. We're poor right and that's KIND OF a bummer but not the worst ever you know I know a LOT of people who are worse off and more stressed out. I've been doing a budget- the Dave Ramsey program and it's helping, but we just started. guess how much we spent on Christmas: $500! I know most people spend way more, WE usually spend way more. But for the few things we got, I didn't think it was that high. Now we're living off $50 bucks for the next 7 days. That's gonna suck but we're going to get through it and hopefully this is all a learning experience and I get some good out of it.

I was all enrolled and set to start school in the spring but I've pretty much decided to put that on hold indefinitely. I owe $10k of my own already for my AA that I don't use. and I just think it would be more responsible to pay that off first. I mean, I don't even have a GOAL about school and I honestly was planning on just getting all that "free money" all my friends are getting for school and living off student loans forever. I'm really glad I've rethought that. It's not really the wisest course. I'm almost thinking higher education is a scam. I don't' want to make that generalization for everyone, but it really kind of is. And all the debt everyone is getting into for it, ALL endorsed by the government..... It's gonna be worse than the housing bubble. People graduating with degrees cant get ANY job, or the best they can get is a min wage job. So they KEEP going back to school to get a masters cuz there's nothing else to do. it waters down the pool, do you know what I mean? it CHEAPENS the value of a degree for everyone. bummer. I have a vague fantasy of being an expert on art and managing an art museum or being a critic or something.

Maybe I'll just enjoy being a mom and managing the house. Focus on that. Get everything just perfect around here and then if I'm bored and both kids are in school I can get a job.

I'm chairing my meeting tomorrow--that means I sit up front and tell about my experience with AA and how it was for me, drinking. And a MIRACLE has happened. I get the worst stage fright and I HATE speaking in front of people. it's the worst. no one believes me, I pull it off pretty ok, but I HATE IT. its so uncomfortable. I gag, I bite my tongue, stutter, choke, mess up, forget what I'm saying. it's just the worst. But this time, I'm feeling oddly mellow. I got what all I'm gonna say organized with what I'm gonna read aloud--it goes in an order and has a flow so I'm not a spazz. I know I'm still gonna feel like I'm holding my breath for an hour, but I'm just so much better than I used to be. It gets better all the time.

OH, I'm 144.5 for the last like week or so. I have been purging so many times in a day lately that it was just getting out of hand and I made myself a deal to try to chill. I have chilled about 70% I used to puke 3 times a day, now I'm down to 1. that's better. I know I still need to work on just restricting. SOON I'm gonna do a 3 day juice cleanse--when we have the $$ for me to buy the stuff in about a week. Oh SHEEZE I hope it doesn't say I can't drink coffee... I bet it does though dammit

haha
xoxo

Just like newlywed's

OH MAN

husband and I just had the most fun all naked and all over the house. Like teenagers! jeeze. We've been married 13 years in three weeks. unreal.

1. I can't believe I'm sober
2. I can't believe I just lost 40 pounds and I'm not even done
3. I can't believe how me and M got married and made it THROUGH what all we have! most people wouldn't have and my life would be misery without him. I'm just so grateful.

I'm so obsessed with food. I am planning a lovely binge this evening on guacamole that I made from a kit from trader joes. Dood, I can't get enough trader joes lately. I got the best new favorite thing there: Tuna in thai green curry SOOOOOOO good and only $1.50 And this guac kit has 2 avocados, a tomato, a shallot, a jalapeno pepper, 2 cloves of garlic and a lime. for 3 bucks. chop it all up, juice the lime in there. done. SUPER FRIGGIN GOOD. yes, I'll puke most of it. I have to. I know I'll feel full after and I know it's weird and gross to PLAN to puke. how about just not eating it? I thought of that.... nah.

I DO have so much self control during the day with not eating. I am just repulsed by anything gross--which is GOOD, so I only eat clean and good and haven't had meat since thanksgiving. I realize that's not too long but if I was gonna puss out I would have already. So mostly all day, all I eat is trail mix and maybe oatmeal for breakfast. OH today for breakfast (at noon) I had an egg scrambled with veggies (trader joes frozen blend) and a slice of provolone on top. I made my own trail mix today: raw almonds, cashews, golden raisins, strawberry craisins, tiny bit of peanuts, chocolate chips. I got all that in the bulks and it was like $2 or $3 bux and made 5 cups! that would have been like $10 bucks. Which gave me an idea: Christmas presents. I know! sounds cheapish and lame but I'm inspired. i'm gonna put it in cute jars decorated with pretty fabric on the lids.... :-)

A friend of our interviewed us for a psych paper a few years ago. I'm not really sure what the point of the paper was, but she recorded it and somehow it was a LOT about my drinking. I was at a little kids birthday party she was at today and she was telling me about it, I was like "OH YA!".... I want to listen to the tape! she reminded me I said things like "I will get a divorce and loose my kids before I stop drinking" and he said things like "I will probably have to leave one day to protect my kids"... SO SAD--but I'm all the more joyful that things got turned around! I WAS SO HOPELESS to feel that way! I was 100% sure I wouldn't ever be free of that! and here I am. I'm ALL THE WAY on the other side of all that. wow.

Three years

I was just like a little child and I was broken and cold, but never forsaken. I reached out and took the hand that was given to me so freely and I walked into treatment and into Alcoholics Anonymous. Into the warmth and into the light, I walked with a heavy heart. I was freed from the bondage of self, relieved of the obsession to drink alcohol.


Today I live in gratitude, not fear. I feel pride and not shame. I have relief instead of guilt. I have hope in my life! I have responsibility and I live up to it. Three years?? Is this me? I am a good person.

Three years ago today, I screamed at my mom to give me alcohol and she would not. My own Mother. Oh God, she gave me the greatest gift a mother can, she took that demon into herself to save me. Seems silly to tell it now, but that is exactly what she did. For it was less than two years later that the same evil power took her life. Forever. And I know, she knew.

ooooooh the intruigue

Black Swan

Check that out~ am I the biggest dork for not knowing about this movie till just now??

Anyway, I puked my guts out ALL through the thanksgiving holiday. And I lost weight. I was stuck at 152 - 156 for like A MONTH!! And now I'm 148! WOW huh. I'm so distracted right now.

Sorry for you followers who read the ana/mia chron's cuz I have to post KIND OF the same info in both. I don't talk too much over there about AA or, really anything that isn't about puking or weight loss..

But HERE you get to read about FUN AA Parties. just kidding.

check THIS OUT! this is a picture of my ass in some goal pants one month ago (left duh) and just today (on the right.) there's room for another photo (for when they're falling off.........

alano magic

I planned to keep myself busy while we're here In Idaho for Thanksgiving. I brought 3 scarves to crochet, 30 Christmas cards to fill out and get ready to mail, and I found all the nearby AA meetings. I went to the local ALANO club and found just the greatest goup of people. I met a nice girl who's gonna pick me up for a womens meeting tomorrow. sounds cheezy, but those people are like family and they're strangers and that's magic. The subject was gratitude today and I'm so grateful for my in laws and just how they accept me. They've all told me they're so proud and to thinka few years ago, ALL I was was a dissapointment. AND I was miserable. Now I'm SO MELLOWED out! I can't believe it. and like, I just thought sobriety would mean I'd have to just live my life a nervous wreck AND be fake. But all the honesty I see in AA--it's unreal. I'll have 3 years in a few days, THAT'S unreal too eh....

AND I'm loosing weight which just makes me feel even MORE at home in my own skin. And I'm still loosing as we are on this vacation, even though I'm not going to the gym and I HAVE to eat. I AM throwing up 2 or 3 times a day. I can't help it. I started to feel pretty anxious today when we ate lunch. Like I was gonna cry..... I was pretty high from that meeting. I probably didnt' need to eat....

sleepy zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

tendons intact

I'm done with my antibiotics so I went to the gym today and RAN. Only 1.5 miles not 2 but STILL I don't think I would have been able to do it if it wasn't for THIS: OxyElite Pro. it's some pump you up thermogenic + caffeine. And I love it. It gave me the shakes BAD till after I worked out, but then I was cool. It also messed with my circulation because my hands got swollen when I ran. But then I went swimming and got evened out.... It's KIND of a little like a mix between COKE and extacy. My eyes were wide open and I was getting hot n cold flashes and my feet were tingling and I was giggling and it was kind of intense. Then when I went in the hot tub and pool, it was crazy and the only comparison I can think of is extacy.... It contains a couple different things, one is yohimbe which is an "herbal viagra"--explains the circulation thing. and an aryuvedic herb used to improve memory and concentration. So basically it makes you focused, horny, and hopped up. just kidding. I'm not horny. well, we HAVE been on hiatus since I got the bladder infection. hee hee! I'm glad it's date night.

When I was on the antibiotics I didnt' take laxatives or diuretics and I was still doing ok in the bathroom, but every day I was more and more puffed up till yesterday I was HUGE and uncomfortable no kidding. I took all that again last night I HAD TOO and I'm sure I've lost a few just in this one day. We'll see, I'll weigh in tomorrow morning. I got down to 152 for one second last week. and last night I was fucking 158!!! that's honk.

I'm still juicing every day and haven't had meat. But I DO have a ton of lean cuisines in the freezer I can't toss out, I'll still eat..... later.... and tonight we're having fish tacos. I'm pretty sure this is gonna have to be a step by step thing. where I'll still eat fish and dairy and eggs. lacto-ovo pescatarian?? whatever, I feel bad, I HATE it when people say they're gonna do something and then pretty much retract by only doing SOME of what they said. But then that hatred just makes me never say I'm gonna do anything because I dont' want to be a wishy washy flake. but never making goals or standards for myself from fear of being a flake, that's not good either....

anyway, jeeze ya, I guess oxyelite gives me a nice little bit of focus.
haha

on the warpath

or: I'm on a rampage? A mellow rampage. I watched a documentary last night called the beautiful thing I think. It's about this Dr who cured cancer in the 40's named Dr Gerson. I mean, that's the basic subject of the documentary. and it goes on about how curing cancer is a business and everyone would be out of a job if they actually DID cure cancer. SO it's this big conspiracy theory. But I totally believe it. And then I was reminded of all these other food related conspiracies I get all excited about but never follow through with. The "juiceman" was on this movie. Its all about curing cancer with juicing, and coffee enemas, and getting cancer causing stuff out of our food and bodies. So today, I busted out the juicer and got "Skinny Bitch" from the library. It's a GREAT book. More conspiracy stuff and it's all true and I want to go vegetarian this time for real. I want to be healthy most of all and i know that WITH that, will come super-skinny. I know it.

I haven't taken laxatives since Thursday. Diuretics either. and I'm super successful in the bathroom anyway! yaaaaaaaaaaaay. I'm eating tons of GOOD poop making foods: apples, flax seeds, beets, probiotics... I made spicy butternut soup this weekend and ate that a few times. that had chicken broth in it...

UGH! this book IS SUPER good.

Freaking out

Ok, I'm freaking out right now because I got a BAD (hit me hard, bleeding) bladder infection this morning. I went to the doctor and he gave me Cipro. When I filled it, the pharmacist told me "no exercise" while I take it!!?? I said "running's ok though right" haha, he said NOOOOOOOOOOOOO. I guess theres a super rare chance of tendon rupture. I ran 2 miles yesterday!! And I know I have to run every day, or it will be so sickening HARD to get back to it after a break! I don't want a break!! I called the doc to ask for something else. Fuck that.

Goin to the store asap this morning to get more diurex. I don't think I'm gaining so much weight since I ran out. But I still panicked when I saw 154.0 on the scale this morning. I was 152.0 the other morning and I AM TIRED of being stuck at 154. I'm going to take it 4 times a day like it says.....

I went a whole week with no purging, but since S's birthday party Saturday, I've been having my nightly routine with it. I have my meeting tonight and I can usually NOT b/p on meeting nights. I wait to eat dinner till after and then I just have a soup--altogether less than 300 cals (crackers and whatnot) for dinner.....

I made a batch of Kamut yesterday I'm gonna try having that for breakfast and see if I get power from it.

I ran yesterday, the first time since my double whammy last week. I didnt' take a "quick trim burn" and it HURT to do my run. I REALLY had a hard time. I only have one more of those pills and I'm gonna take it today.... I might have to get some more of that!

S is 3

My Baby boy is 3 tomorrow. We're having a little costume party. I cashed in on all the sales of halloween stuff. Not scary halloween, fun for kids.

I didn't go to the gym today. I ran all around the world getting ready for this party and going to school for my Art Lit lesson--I volunteer at my 8 year olds school doing Art Literacy for his class. Each month is a featured artist. They learn the history and life story of the artist and some technique as well as art terms, ideas, and theory. It's the BEST ever thing I could do as a volunteer. So once a month I also go in first to learn the whole lesson plan and everything. So I did that part today.

Today I ate 1045 cals.
I was 154.3 this morning. grrrrrr

We're going to the gym in the morning. Then clean house, then party. I'm still really sore. Worse than last night even...

Oops I did it again!

I ran a mile again today, and faster even! I can't believe it. I'm a RUNNER. ME.... YESSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS

Today I ate 1059 cals.
I'm still 154.5

On my period, hopefully I loose a couple pounds JUST for that. Let alone all my superwoman running. I'm going to start upping my distance ASAP.I have to take tomorrow off I'm in PAIN tonight. I think I'll go to yoga tomorrow, but no running or weights.

hearts!

so weird

I haven't binge/purged in 3 days. Just out of nowhere. I couldn't stop and then bam, done. I've been eating closer to 1050 cals a day, maybe that's helping. I'm gonna edit and add to this later, I have to go to the gym now.

oh ya, real quick: Portia De Rossi was on GMA this morning and I love her! She wrote a very revealing book about her eating disorder and I can't wait to read it....

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I'm back. I ran a mile at the gym today!! I haven't even attempted that since maybe June when I was 185+ and I couldn't even jog .25 mile. Today I just got on the treadmill to warm up but then I started running and before I knew it I was .25 miles along and like "oooh, I can do this!" so I did it. I feel like a fuckin CHAMP and I'm gonna do that every day. I know that's gonna make my second half of this weightloss actually start happening! I'm STILL 154.5! I know this happens every 5 pounds, I get stuck for a week or more. but I hate that! Running will work I know it YAY!

OK, this is weird: my period keeps coming sooner and sooner my cycle has been like this:
Aug 28 days
Sept 26 days
Oct 24 days!
24 days since the START of my last period. that means it's only been like 18 days since I ended which is BULLHONK. 2.5 weeks of period free? nofair.

Calories today: 1038

Spell is broken

AH, I'm feeling MUCH better today. No binges yesterday. ON HALLOWEEN! I worked out HARD and had 900 cals. Good girl.

M and I got in ANOTHER fight last night. and we never even had it out about the last one. yuk. So we got in the shower. That always makes every thing better and last night was no exception. wheew! I can't wait till I have my ultimate body and a TAN. Hot bod in the shower is his big fantasy

I'm gonna go shopping today for S's little birthday party sat. He's turning 3. We're having a costume party and i'm gonna go cash in on some halloween sales.... hopefully.

hearts.

ok ok wheew

Yesterday sucked so bad I'm not even kidding. it was the climax of a week straight of binging and purging. I puked 4 times! I ate SOOOOOOO much crap:
good breakfast
no lunch
pillsbury crescent ham n cheese roll ups (3) I made for boys during punkin time
3 or more frosted shortbread cookies
cookies n cream ice cream
hot chocolate
whole bag of lowfat popcorn
3 glasses of diet juice
2 glasses of milk
a whole plate of chips with shredded cheeze
lowfat whole grain eggo with an egg and cheese
fun size candy bars (4)

gross.
I didnt' puke after the eggo/egg, and candy. But THANK GOD my weight isn't up this morning. And I'm doing good and feel confident that the spell is broken.

We went to the gym this morning and I did weights HARD for an hour, then I swam for 12 min (10 laps) that's easy, but I REALLY pushed hard on the weights. I'm proud of myself.

Maybe M and I will have sex tonight. It's been a WEEK!! GAWD. cuz we had a minor fight in the bedroom on wed and we both have had too much pride. Plus we're being gentle with each others feelings cuz I think we both got hurt feelings. Basic deal was this: He jokes constantly in the bedroom, I get tired of that I think it's fake and he's actually hiding behind that. Plus, I just get irritated with the physicality of it--he force frenches me every time until I give up and just lay there irritated. With that to look forward too every time, it ruins my mood. So when he said "why don't you have a sense of humor" I went off about all that stuff and it embarrassed him BAD and I DO have a sense of humor. I do funny joky fake do it play ALL the time and cheese out. SOooooooooooooooo, well, I think we're both getting nice and horny which is a good little pressure to have.

ok, time to get dressed and clean.

Heats

155.5

This morning I weighed in a full 2 pounds less than last night. WOW

*update*
I need to be careful. (warning this next part might be gross) We had to add lube TWICE last night during sex.... I think these water pills totally work and I'm like, low moisture! haha.

I just ate a fat turkey sandwich with mayo (not lite) and lays potato chips. Now I'm going to go throw up. SORRY I KNOW it's bad. I need to not even HAVE lays potato chips in the fuckin house.

MUST DRINK MORE WATER

Cold feet

Thanks to a fellow poster on The Chronicles, I'm now convinced I have Raynauds disease. It makes you get super cold feet or hands or one foot or even only a couple of toes. I'm gonna make an appointment, I want to: get off welbutrin, talk about the WART on my foot, talk about my tremor, talk about this cold toes thing, check in about my TMJ...

I've been binging and purging for the last few days. For about two weeks before that, I was tortured and resisted and resisted, and like, I didnt' loose any weight anyway! So while I don't want to KEEP giving up, I have given up for the last few days. Tonight, it was taco bell and sesame donuts. two episodes this eve.... right after the last purge of the night, I take my laxies, and an alli, and a water pill, and my bedtime meds. I was stuck at 158 - 160 for like 2 weeks or something and I just weighed in at 157.6 at the end of the day which is for sure the highest of the day so WOO fuckin HOO!!

I'm just over a month shy of having 3 years sober. I can't believe it. I guess I'll talk about that more when it actually happens but every day is a fucking miracle and NOW I'm getting the opportunity to help other girls I'm close to. Amazing.

Before the taco bell and donuts purge I made indian food. Chicken, Dal, and Potato Parathas. it was OK.

BP attack

I've been binging and purging for 2 days. Not today though! dammit! night before last I waited till after bedtime. But yesterday, I did it for lunch and then again after bed. yuk! It's not that hard or gross. But IT DOESN'T WORK. I haven't lost weight in 2 or 3 days and I'm at the gym every day so...... I don't know how it doesn't work, but it doesn't. I HAVE to just "be good" and strict.

OMG we've had sex 4 out of the last 6 days. NICE.

Off to the gym.....

sex is the cure

On th I was planning a binge, we do it for like 30 straight min seriously it was a long one, I don't eat a THING after and go to bed. Just right now, I was planning a binge, we just did it again for a marathon session, binge urge is gone. I'm on to something.......

last night, no do it: binge/purge. But my weight was 158.5 this morning so that didn't ruin my life or anything. These crazy long do-it's make me almost puke I have so many orgasms and I guess I probably get a rush of chemicals in my brain.

I NEVER eat like that!

I really never do, I've been SO GOOD and not purging, like maybe only once in 2 weeks! But once I started, my mouth was on like auto pilot. It's SO much better to just NOT EAT any treats at all. But then, to be honest, throwing up last night wasn't as bad as I feared, and today I'm 158.5. I kept teetering after I reached 159. Back up to 160,161. Yesterday afternoon I was 161!!!! So, I'm HAPPY today to be 158.5 really happy. I gotta go to the gym.

bender

Today, it feels like there is NOTHING in the whole world to do except eat. We went to the birthday party of a friend in AA--it was her "real" birthday. and she's 18. Her DAD is only ONE year older than M. That was pretty gross. Shes an aa friend, plus only 18 so they weren't really getting loose which is fine--they shouldn't be! But when we left we were like "what choo wanna do" and we couldn't think of anything! so we came home to watch x-files (DORKS). I ate a bowl of popcorn, then S's quesadilla, then some ice cream, then a bowl of peanut butter crunch. I'm gonna have to puke. DANGIT I really hope that doesn't just make me feel worse..... But I'm sorry. I CAN'T just go to bed now with this million gallons of crap in my stomach.

before and during

I've lost 29 pounds and it's hard to believe and I'm ecstatic. I LOVE putting these pictures together, and I'm SOOOOO glad I have before pictures. I have tried to avoid cameras for years now but a few candid shots have happened and now I'm SO GLAD. I'll put some of those up one day too.

back to basics

So this blog is SUPPOSED to be about my jouney through recovery, not my journey into complete perfect skinnyness. There's a lot more to me than just I'm obsessed with calories right now and I have a place to share about that.

Things have been going super as far as AA. I've just been coasting along. Not getting too deep into anything. I've been playing on the computer too much--avoiding... I guess that's the one "bad" thing I've been doing. I've been getting involved at the school. We've been struggling in my homegroup. We don't have a place to have the meeting, every week it's up in the air. The subject of moving came up. At first i was against it, but I kind of hope we do now. I'm also gonna be glad when my position (secretary) is up. I want to go to PTC at school once in a while.

oh MAN I'm sleepy

sheeze

I'm bored. everyone is asleep in bed and it's not even 9:30. I loooooooooove my quiet time in the eve after bed. But I just wish I had a game or something.or someone fun to chat with.

bluh, i'm still 165 two weeks later. :( I'm kinda pissed but I'm still going to the gym tomorrow fuck that.

Back to the grind

School started last week. I only went to the gym once last week but this week is a "gym every day" week. Monday and Tuesday was business as usual, and Wednesday BFF hosted a fitness walk at the nature park. Some other girls went. One of them I'm not TOO keen on hanging out with. I don't personally have anything against her, but BFF has tried to force a friendship between us before which is annoying. Not to mention, this girl has majorly screwed over a couple of other friends so I feel bad out of loyalty to them. I'm just not interested in being her friend but it won't kill me if she's on a fitness walk with me anyway..... Before the walk I went to the gym to do some weight training for 40 mins. I'm SORE today. I might try to run or something really different, then maybe some leg weights, then swimming. We plan on trying to hook up for that fitness walk once a week. But the other girls might be better with a different day so maybe it will just me BFF and I on Wednesdays. She's so funny and excited. I honestly think some of her enthusiasm is silly, but the bottom line is: I walked (hard with a stroller) 3 or 4 times longer than I would have if I was alone. So, silly or not, she's motivating.

I have lost 10 pounds since my last post. I remember having a hard time reaching that 170 goal--it kept taking longer than I thought it should. Then, it took me a full week longer than my plan to reach 165. But still, I lost ten pounds in a month. that's pretty good right?? I have no patience, but I'm not letting any of it urge me to give up. Whenever I whimp out and eat something naughty I throw it up.

ugh

I'm hungry! today I've eaten:

Breakfast 95
~coffee
~1/2 apple

snack 33
~graham cracker

lunch 320
~Green Tea Jamba Macha

snack 140
~trader joes corn puffs

dinner 250
~soup
~cornbread

snack 145
~graham cracker
~toast
egg whites


total 990
with my workout that makes me only NET 250ish which IS my goal, but I am still tripping that it's too much. I'm just so fuckin starving. I THINK I've lost 1.5 pounds since last week. Is that enough for this torture?? NO but I think I should give any torture at least two weeks before I try to tweek it. I can do it. I can FOR SURE DO IT, cuz I AM doing it and I'm not going to die--I'm going to be skinny and lengthy and flexible!!!

DAMMIT!!!!

Periods suck. Period

so, after the bookstore on my birthday, we came home before I was ready but M didn't feel good. So yesterday we did the NW downtown thing like a normal sat. First we went to the mall and I got a free build a bear (really the boys are playing with it). Then we went downtown and I got a free Noodle's and Co bowl. And this was cool: I was leaning toward Pad Thai, but then I looked at the nutritional info and the pad Thai was 700 cals, but the Bankok curry was only 490! So, I went with the curry and it was more delish anyway. Then we went to Brother's for a little bday cake, which I had a little piece of. I did FINE all weekend--stayed under 1200 and I worked out. But then today, I had my period SO bad! It was worse than I remember it being before I took the pill. It took me till aound 7pm till I wasn't woozy anymore. I couldn't drive it was that bad. UHG. lemme do my livestrong to at least estimate what I did all day.......

ok, so I did ok. We got donuts tonight! but even if I didn't puke mine, I'm still under so..... I didn't work out. And I know purging doesn't work best, but I'm not trying to digest that crap.

the big three five

I didn't eat krispy kremes or any of that super naughty stuff. But I did eat a lil bowl of special K and then a couple bites of C's chocolate rice crispy's --250 cals maybe? So then I did a 30 min yoga last night to kind of make up for it. I haven't done yoga in almost a year and I was actually sweating even though it's a pretty mellow routine! sheeze-

Today is my birthday I'm THIRTY FIVE BLUH. I'm going to the gym in a little bit. I'm having a dry crumpet for breakfast with coffee. we're getting a babysitter and going to see Eat Pray Love, and then going to a fancy italian dinner. REALLY FANCY like $30 a plate. I'm going to be really good all day. After that I think we'll come get the kids and go to dessert.

I'll update this post after the gym if my weight's changed... ;->

~ SO, dinner was ok, the movie was OK. Then we went to gelato (!) for dessert, and the bookstore for fun. Gelato didn't even totally ruin my day because I was SOOOOOO good all before dinner and everything. I didn't go over my 1200 absolute limit AND I worked out 700 cals.... And I lost .5 lb. I don't know if that's exactly noteworthy, but .5 a day is 3.5 a week -still totally healthy right?

so motivated

Today I went to H gym again and I was 174.5. I lost a pound in one day! RAD! I only had a nectarine and coffee for breakfast so I was so weak at the gym and starving. I wanted to just give up after 30 min. But then as I was swimming, I realized I can break 170 by the middle of next week if I kick ass, so I kept at it for 50 min.

Today I've had a nectarine, coffee, and a lean cuisine. Tonight is Mexican chicken. I calculated dinner as 500 cals, so I can try to leave a few bites so I am under that....

I still like restricting better than purging. There's just too much guessing and doubt with purging. Though, I would like to eat about 5 twix bars right now. I've never been one to craaaave sweets so bad, I usually crave pizza or salty foods. But something about dieting must do this to me. I want: Krispy kreme donuts, twix bars, kit kat bars, chocolate cake, MILK, a box of reeses peanut butter cereal.....

I knew it.

It was that fuckin scale at the M gym that was sabotaging me. Today @ H- 175.5!!!!!! and my home scale is 172.5. I've always gone by the hall gym scale it has less of a margin of error than the M gym....

Today, I've had special k, grapefruit juice, and coffee for breakfast. Lunch was a lean cuisine (170 cal!) tonight is ribs and corn and texas toast. Only I'm going to have a crumpet and only 2 ribs, my total for dinner should be 500. maybe I can just eat one rib....

BFF came over today and had a big drama talk with me. I told her the other day a LITTLE about pro-ana websites. I didn't want her to bust me so I barely told her. So get this. She took that as me suggesting SHE'S anorexic. And she said she was hurt that I said a while back that she might have to get surgery to remove the extra skin on her tummy. Well I also said ya maybe it's fat and lets go on each others livestrong to have a little healthy motivation for each other. I don't really know what, in the end, will solve her tummy dilemma. So I'm always wishy washy about it as a sign to her that I'M OK with whatever she wants to do. I told her not to listen to advice from me so strictly and that I'm too self centered to be worried about what I think she needs to be doing. She's a little self centered too if she thought I was saying she's anorexic. HA! we're all self centered. and that's ok too.

k for dinner I had 430 cals. Total today is 875, and I went to the gym and burned 700 something (swimming mostly). I'm pretty bummed that honey is 60 cals per Tbsp. that's worse than white sugar and it's supposed to be better but I don't want to put myself over a line just for honey in my little sleepytime tea.

Restricted

Restricting is WAAAAAAAAAAAAAY better than purging! Which I'm so pleased to discover because it also works better too. Purging makes me feel retarded, restricting makes me feel light and high. I haven't REALLY lost any weight since last week-still 178 I'm very disappointed to report. I was so pissed that it made me swim harder and feel more determined to eat less and no naughty treats! When I'm weak and "can't" control my appetite, and eat the same dinner as the family, I'm really being a BIG BABY and thinking I should be able to and I eat it and say "so there". RIDICULOUS! haha well I'm glad I learned that lesson pretty early on. I got some pickles, chicken broth, skim milk, pop, special K. Today I've had 1 small banana for breakfast with loaded coffee (going to use skim from now on), a sm nectarine, special K with skim. And I did my legs (weights) and swam for 45 min.

..... it's dinner now. I just fed my family chicken delux quesadillas. I'm eating a stalk of celery. I'm starving, and this fuckin celery actually tastes good to me haha!

my point is: these tricks WORK! I ate pickles and a diet dr pepper for lunch and that's at MOST 10 cals!!! HAHAHAAAAAAAAAA! I'm stoked.

I might have to go to red robin after the meeting--if we go, I'll try to have tea, but if I'm gonna get tortured by everyone elses chili cheese dip, I'll have a garden salad with the dressing on the side. I'll check in after.

YOU CAN TO THIS BITCH!


...... ok so we went to Red Robin and I was SOOOOOOOOOOOO hungry! So I ordered a cobb salad, and cut it up and mixed it all together and then put half of it in a box to go home. Then, I but the littlest bit of ranch I could live with and I ate that and a COUPLE fries. total cals 450-ish... I did put the rest in the fridge, but I might throw it out in the morning cuz that's nasty, I'm not gonna want to eat a blobby salad. total intake for today=935 I burned 750 at the gym.... that's pretty darn good I THINK...

chuggin along

today my intake was 976 (1000)I haven't been to the gym in like 4 days! gross, I'm going tomorrow. M gym- and I'm gonna do some heavy weights and then swim...

I threw up twice today. The first time was lunch. I need to only just MAKE the amount of lunch I'm ok with keeping because if I make more, I'll eat more. I need to REALLY really try to restrict more. I feel so much better than if I loose control and have to purge. throwing up just makes me feel so stoned or retarded or something. that happened especially bad with dinner because I didn't drink enough while eating and it was hard to get back up....
bluh

I DID do my ab routine on the floor once today.

SO, tomorrow's a new day. I'm honestly going to be depressed if I have gained weight, or not lost AT ALL. I was 178 the last I checked at the gym.....

whomp

Today, I did good, I nibbled when we went to the farmer market. Only had a cracker and one salami for lunch. Dinner was burgers- I ate a spring mix first, then my burger which I gave back until I saw greens. Gross? Well, It came back SOOOO easy again so..... And I just really can't see how only 30 - 50% of purged food comes back up. I mean, MAYBE if you were binging for hours and the food on top of food pushed some down too far to be purged? I don't know. I puked that whole burger I'm sure of it... Anyway, then I just had a little sandwich and an aranciata, and I'm gonna have one of those jello mousse's for 60 cals.... and still I should be under 1200 for the day. I counted 25% of my burger. I just CANT count more than that.....

HUH! I'm eating this Jello Mousse deal and it's pretty good! usually "sugar free" actually tastes like nasty chemicals. I can't taste artificial sweetener at all. Texture is a bit plasticky, but I can handle that.

The other thing about today is that I got the whomp super bad. Like the worst I can remember maybe since I quit drinking.... I took one quick trim, and a couple hours later I got my power pops in the mail and tried that--that was actually after purging my dinner. I don't know what food or combination gave me this super bad painful gas that is STUCK in my chest practically.


zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

I can do it!

I ate abt 1300 calories today. I did my stomach exercises and others-legs, back, butt. just a bit on the floor a couple of different times. I can suck in my gut like I haven't been able to in I dont know how long. I feel less bloated, lighter. I LOVE IT. I have a stomach ache a lot, but it's worth it. I know 1300 is still a lot and I have to get it down even more. But I also know I CAN. I ate a stupid pastry for breakfast--250 cals plus 100 for loaded coffee. which is all a waste I normally don't do.

I have to go to bed, we're going to the farmers market in the morning. It's hard to count cals on the weekend.... hmmmm

I want to start keeping lists of things to do and structure my day better. I need help with this, I think I'll ask R--no kidding.

no sleep

I went to bed at 1:30 last night and S got up at 6:30 :( Of course I tried to snooze on the couch but that's not real sleep. This is gonna be a tough day. I think I should "eat normal"... It's HARD to restrict and I just don't know if I have the strength.... I'll try to follow my live strong counter, we'll see how I do.

note to self

Kay going to the store was just too hard. I had to eat when I got home and so I had to throw up which I'm kind of growing to hate. when I do that, I still count 20% of the calories as intake. I still stayed under 1100 for the day so that's cool

so

So today, I ate ONE chicken burrito from taco bell because I was starving--I didn't eat for too long and couldn't control myself when I went to get the kids something. I would have eaten 3 of them but I knew I wouldn't be able to purge cuz we were out, so I just had one and actually digested it :) those are 300 cals. then I had a bowl of total for dinner. then I was serving the fam their dinner and it was beef stroganoff! I had to mow down a bowl of that, but I purged it so I'm only gonna count 25% of the cals

right now I'm at 650 cals for the day which is good. And I guess this is probably not the best but I'm going grocery shopping now and it's 10pm. and I'm taking C. It's really hot the last couple days and I dont' want to go in the heat torture with S to three stores tomorrow. So I'm gonna get the big one done tonight, and i had to wait till everyone ELSE is asleep. that's why so late.

If I eat anything else tonight, I'll purge it....

OH! and I got the quick trim box today so I'm back on that cleanse which I LOVE.

on fire

So yesterday was ok. I worked out HARD (so I'm sore today) and I still only ate less than 1200 cals. Then I went to bed and I was cold and I couldn't sleep. So, I got up for a nibble and I ate probably 200 cals and went to bed. Which is no good I guess BUT whatcha goona do. HAha I'm watching Lorraine Bracco on the View. Fuggettabowdit

I was hungry all day though. It's hard.

I ordered some Power Pops. BFF came over yesterday and was glum about her weight. She lost SOOOO much weight and only weighs 115 or less. But she still has a bit of tummy and I wanted to tell her about ProAna Thinspiration and about my blog. But I just cant. I'm afraid she'll go nutso and hurt herself. Plus she'll bust me. well maybe I'll tell her later. She looks great though! It's amazing and an inspiration in itself.

I'm not going to the gym but I'll do my ab routines.

rad

I can't believe it, but I went to bed hungry last night and I fell asleep! I did it! yaaaaaay!

I feel like saying a little bit more about why I hate my body. I can't paint my toenails. I have a hard time using tampons. I can't see my vagina. I can't groom my bikini area. I have to LIFT my stomach sometimes GROSS!

ok, I'll check in later to give my counts.

Thank God

Thank God I'm not like some other girls I've read about: I CAN make myself throw up.

I went to Red Robin with my group after the meeting and I was SO GOOD. I just had a mint tea. But when I got home, C's leftover dinner was sitting on the counter and I just was gonna have one bite, but of course I wolfed it up and washed it down with whole milk. So, well, I visited the ladies room after.....

Then I cleaned the whole kitchen and swept and mopped and then came in the living room and did another ab routine. 100 crunches + a couple other things.... It feels GOOD to be NOT FULL. I can suck in my stomach and I'm still fat but I'm not bloaty and roundy inside. I'm NOT meant to be this way! I obsess about it way too much--like nonstop constantly. I know other girls just as big or bigger and I don't think they're fat pigs, but it's just not ME. I'm meant to be lengthy and flexible. I'm so miserable like this its a WONDER I haven't taken drastic measures sooner!

What the fuck?? I've been keeping this inside me for YEARS. I mean, I tell M I hate it but I try to down play it because I don't' want him to worry about me at all. I did mention tonight that I'm going on a diet and a hard one too. He said not to go too hard because then I'll get burned out and give up. I will NOT give up. This is the END of fat for me.

According to the Livestrong website I use to track my intakes and workouts, in order to loose 3 pounds a week I should eat 1200 calories a day. It takes into account my regular activity, but when I work out, I can supposedly eat that many more calories. Today I had 1100 Calories AND I worked out. Amazing. This day is a success.

I NEVER go to bed hungry so that's the scary thing right now. I don't know if I can do it. SO worst case, I'll warm up a cup of 1% milk if I can't sleep.....

ProAna

Ok, so I'm not kidding I am over being fat. A few days ago, I started throwing up any time I "over eat". Also, I would over eat on purpose knowing I was gonna make myself throw up. This is known as binging and purging. For instance, if its lunchtime, I'll eat TWO chicken burritos instead of one and purge my whole lunch... I've also been taking laxatives every day, just at night before bed. This weekend was C and nephews' birthdays and we went to embassy suites. I ate whatever and like, if I know I'm gonna throw up, I wait to eat anything so I eat all at once so I only have to throw up once. I have been doing that 3 times every single day. Last night M folks were here and we went to Red Robin for C's birthday. I ate a chicken Caprese sandwich, fries, and some ice cream sundae and some of C's milkshake. Then I visited the ladies room and purged. I was SO quiet! It's HARD to be quiet but this time was easy because I was sooo full.

Last night I started looking up anorexia websites because, well, I honestly wanted some tips. I thought they would all be recovery ones but I might still find something. Well, I found a LOT, much more than I thought was out there. There's a whole sub-culture of PRO anorexia support!

Today is my first day of restricting. I'm not anorexic, I'm just dieting. That's the truth because I still eat, I don't want my metabolism to stop, I'm still OVERWEIGHT. And I LIKE a very slender body. I WANT to be skinny, like i was just after high school. Sure I was partying a LOT and using drugs, but I'm seriously going to TRY to get like that again without drugs. I guess my plan is to restrict as much as possible and then if I have a weak moment, I can purge. The main blog I read last night, the girl can't make herself throw up so when she binges, she'll go on a juice fast for days and/or do a saltwater flush. Luckily, I CAN throw up. I honestly can't wait to do the saltwater flush. I'm afraid it will make me sick though so I don't know when I can do it.

Today for breakfast I had coffee, and 2 bites of S's cereal (215 cal tops) lunch I had HALF a sandwich and some blueberries and vitamin water(400) and I'm gonna have a mid afternoon snack of yogurt and a clementine. And for dinner I'm making a pasta bake with cheese and sausage so I'm gonna have to maybe barf that one. THAT's the worst hard part: feeding my boys and ALSO loosing weight. It's practically impossible. OK I'm gonna TRYYYYY to only eat ONE CUP of that bake and I'll put it on a small plate and eat really slow. And I'll take an alli.

I was 186 when I started back at the gym TWO months ago. In all that time I've only lost 8 pounds--I weighed in today at 178. that makes me happy but it's WEAK. Fuck that. I want to loose NO LESS than 3 pounds a week until I'm not kidding :125

It feels so good to say all this out loud if even only to myself.

HAHA, I need to clean my camera

Just like a little baby

I found out today that in order to enroll in college, I have to get immunized for measles. Of course, I got immunized as a child against everything on the normal schedule. And my mom kept a very detailed baby book for me. But, there are no immunization records in there. I found my pediatrician online and he's still in practice and I got my hopes up that the records were on microfiche. The lady I first talked to at the medical group said they DO keep the records that far back (30 years!) but the lady in the records department said they've LONG been destroyed. :-(

I'm trying to be brave to show my kids that shots are no big deal. BUT I HATE IT

Alpha Poem DELORIS

Disenchanted
Ever
Lost
Offered
Relentlessly
Incomplete
Self

worst mom ever

I hate this: S is being a holy terror as usual. he runs around and goes out of his way to destroy things. He dumped 1/2 the bathwater out on the floor while I wasn't looking, and flooded the bathroom. Little bit later, we were just starting to have a dance party and he went over to the computer desk and dumped my drink. On purpose. just pushed it over. And I mean this is in addition to the constant chaos. I feel bad already, then I scream at both of them "C, I'm sorry your brother ruins everything!!"

I told S ALL DAY that we would go outside and play after C got home from school. C came home, did his homework and had a snack, started his chores. We all go out. After just a few minutes, C was begging for me to let him go in the cul de sac without a helmet all by himself. First of all, no helmet. Second, S will want to follow. So he starts screaming he hates me, and S copied him. Then S starts rolling uncontrolled toward the street and there's a car coming. I run at top speed and a guy across the street starts waving wildly at the car. I reach him inches from the street and just as the car stops at the same spot. So then S is screaming and arching his back, C is in tears......


what the fuck right??!!

She definitely wasn't old enough. I'm looking at pictures of my mom and that's who she is now. A bunch of pictures from a long time ago. Its like she didn't want to live as an old woman, she wanted to be young forever and that's how I'll remember her. I get it, I feel like that sometimes. Like my life is on the downswing because I'm old. I see how she could have felt like it's not worth it. Knowing what life could be, and what it was, and not wanting to be anything less. I feel that sense of loss, of my young self. and we have facebook so we can find all our long lost friends who remind us even worse. But then I feel like maybe life starts at 50. That's when the kids will be starting to get out on their own, freeing us up to be kids again and go on vacations and travel.

it's just sad how for years, mom was feeling regret.