Fat Med Aid

OKAY, I'm sorry in advance this post is probably offensive. my gym is right next to one of those schools that teaches people to be Medical Assistants. at least 80% of the people who go there are fat. I don't know why that annoys me, but it does. It totally does. On top of that, there's always a big group out there SMOKING in their wannabe nurse uniforms. wtf. Ya, let's put the most unhealthy people in the front lines of the healthcare industry. And you know that stupid "school" isn't telling them to loose weight or be healthy because they're getting paid so who cares. ugh

I'm thinking of making this blog private like you have to be invited to read it. Just cuz I'm paranoid of someone i know reading it. I DO leave out names, but I have been putting pictures. Plus, this is linked to my gmail, so someone might come across it. AND I have friends in REAL life who have blogger, and if I ever comment on their blog, it will put THIS profile and they might read this blog. no good. I don't want to feel repressed in my writing here. would you all be down with that? I don't want to loose readers either.....

punkin belly

OH MAN so we went to my sis's house this weekend for a spend the night and hang out. I didn't purge while I was there and I ate "sensible" and I didnt want to have an issue on the way home so no laxies for me last night so therefore I'm pregnant right now. I got a new iPhone 4 and I'm gonna pee from joy. I have to play with it. I think I can use it as a webcam HAY! so any of you vloggers: do you know if I can do that?? can anyone give me tips? cuz I'll totes put a vlog, a short one cuz hearing voices is fun--I think so anyway, when you girls do it it's always superneat to me to hear your voice put to the words.

xoxo

more about the trip: I have a "sort of" sister. I have 2 sisters by the same dad, and they have another lil sis like me, from the same mom. But lil sis and I don't have any of the same parents. make sense? anyway, she's anorexic and I have lost a lot of weight recently so then I know everyone is wondering if I'm done loosing weight or do they need to worry. She's 40 years old, no kids, second husband just left her. She's a TAD controlling. She's very pretty, SUPER funny, one of the smartest people I know. I love her to death. I really do. Yesterday she didn't show up to the bbq till after food time and I told big sis's that she probably doesn't want to get hassled about eating or not eating or WHATEVER. She's a grownup and I think she looks great, though I have to say, thinner than I've ever seen her.... But then I really felt self conscious and I couldn't purge. Just couldn't do it. I didn't want to make anyone suspicious and worry. I wonder if they noticed that I ate a whole bowl of cucumbers and tomatoes, then just the tiniest bit of chili? I'm a lard right now anyway.....

You like my music Jack?

I failed miserably yesterday. I DID have fruit for "dinner" though (hana :-) but then I ate a million other things too. I made the coolest new thing: Lemon Poppyseed Hummus! Chilled, it goes so good with fruit--specially White Nectarines. SO good, it almost tastes like lemon poppyseed cake BATTER which I have never had but I'm sure is delish. I think that hummus and nectarine would make a perfect breakfast. I'll try it soon....

So far today, I had a banana for breakfast, a diet pepsi and a sample of an energy/oatmeal/seed/bar thing at costco... And a few licks of different hummus's I'm making.... I dont' know what I'm gonna do this afternoon, well it's 5:30 now so, evening.... I'm making Mediterranean delights for dinner, with chicken instead of falafel. Here's what I'm gonna do: eat dinner, purge, hog out on nasty treats tonight after bed, purge again. I feel kinda ambivalent about "recovery".... I want to do more restricting and less purging. and twice a day is less than 3 times. soon, I'll cut it to once? I weighed 122 at the gym today. and that was RAD.

for ever and ever

So for the last three days, I have been home "alone" just with the kids who aren't monitoring my food or purging habits. Mon and tues I was superbad and b/p'd around 3 times a day. Totinos pizza, ice cream, cookies, peanut butter, cereal...... Today, I did really good all day with mostly just restricting, UNTIL dinnertime. I just couldn't stop once I got started. no breakfast and then for lunch I had veggie sticks with hummus (that I made.... ps i'll put a recipe soon)... then I'm makin my kids dinner and munching little bites here and there. Then I went apeshit and ate a whole bunch of peanut butter and graham crackers. So I purged. start fresh! I made some cucumber slices with another kind of hummus smeared on top, AND I made cucumber slices with turkey and swiss on top with a TINY but of tahini sauce I made.... that was what I PLANNED for myself for dinner. I'll eat it when hubby gets home tonight.... later......

UPDATE
so I ate veggies and hummus and some of the cucumber stacked with turkey and cheese. Not too much. But I AM feeling so naughty. I have so many good treats. I can't say no and I'm gonna do it. I DID do a lot better today than I have in many days. All I can do is try again tomorrow. I'm gonna get on here and report a plan first thing, then an update of what happened. I think a plan is SO important....

xo

what gives

O
M
G


I told my sponsor (Alcoholics Anonymous) about my ED..... I've been frazzly lately. Loosing things and lying and flailing and lying and secrets and lying. And that shit leads to drinking. I went to dinner with her and I knew I had to come clean. The LAST time we got together about a month ago, I thought I might tell then. But I didn't and the symptoms of my secrecy have only gotten worse. I had to tell. She didn't bust me too bad. Then I came home and told my husband. OF COURSE now I wish I hadn't told either of them. But I'm having "issues" lately with my health and I worry and I KIND of want to get better. But honestly, HONESTLY, I still want to keep b/p-ing as a stress reliever. I have still done it every day since the big "confess"... It's been harder if I do before husband goes to bed. But ya. that was a step in A direction.... Husband said he knew and he's cracked a couple of jokes since like "I took 'son' to dairy queen and we got a waffle cone and DIDN'T purge right after. and then I talked candidly about how my usual time for the biggest pointless bender of the day is always at night and maybe we can set me up a nice little area in the backyard where I can have a hookah at night instead... Sponsor said we're going to take it one step at a time. Get my life on track so I dont' GET stressed to want to b/p. AND I need to go to the doctor to get perspective on the health aspects of it.

Husband is going on a biz trip for the next 3 days. So I'll be "alone" to do what I want. right now, I can't imagine NOT going on a b/p bender. but maybe I'll try not to one or two days... I'll think about it. Restricting, nice to meet you.... we'll talk later ok? I'm off to eat cereal, and peanut butter, and ritz crackers, and a 3 musketeers bar.

All you had ya wasted~

OKEE DOKKE SO here's the big California Trip post. I promise I MOSTLY read all y'all's blogs when I was gone. I just couldn't really post. I weighed 124 or 123 when we went down and I'M STILL at 124?! sweet huh. I got to work out some just a couple of times at the beginning of the trip. We stayed at a fancy hotel at first that had a NICE workout room. Nicest I've seen in a hotel. When we were driving I was really thinking hard about how I would "deal" with the whole "food thing" while we were down. Like, shouldn't it be okay for me to JUST EAT whatever, and not purge?? Ya, it should. but..... Then I thought, OH HOW am I gonna not binge on naughties at night like I'm so used to?? But then I just thought, I can do that when I get home no big deal. and it wasn't a big deal. Then one of the first nights we went to the grocery store to get breakfast stuff and sandwich stuff just in case we could have an opportunity to save a few bux. I wasn't going to spend $20 PER PERSON for breakfast at the fancy towne hotel and then my kids not eat it anyway fuck that. Anyway, I got breakfast, but also suzie q's and twinkies, and some others. and i didn't even binge on those till days later, at the next hotel. Until the wedding, I was pretty good. AT the wedding, I DIDN'T purge, and I ate everything like a normal person. it was GOOD. Filet Mignon, sea bass, YUMMY mashed potatoes, veggies. and the salad bowl was made of cucumber slices in a circle shape it was so nice. OH I did waste one really expensive meal. We were at the California Academy of Sciences. It cost us $80 to get in there, then at the CAFE--not the fancy restaurant, but the like, cafeteria part, it was $50 for LUNCH. Husband had chicken tenders and fries ($12) kids had mac n cheese and fries (shared it)($11), I had salad rolls like the ones I've been making, ($12) then all the drinks.... I wasn't planning on purging that. I was like FUCK THAT if I'm gonna spend that much and then puke it?? no way. but then I was so full and hated myself for getting full like that. you know that feeling :-( The night before, we went out for pizza in North Beach in SF by Chinatown, and I only had ONE slice of a family style sit down pizza. I got dibbs on the leftovers. Planned a late night binge/purge, and then didn't do it. I was good that time. I should have been checking in here to report about all those individual triumphs and failures. its interesting to look back on....

well here's some pictures:




Here's a couple of pictures for my friend Mich--Harlequin Shrimp!



And here's the Bulimic Iguana. Check out those cheeks, who does he think he's fooling?


On the drive home we went to this "mystery spot" type attraction where the gravity is supposed to be weird. I think they just build the structure so it's an optical illusion. I got SO NAUSEOUS in this place.


And these are of the bedroom we stayed in in San Fran. My girlfriend lives there and we stayed there the night before we headed to the fancy hotel. She's SO effing cool! SHE's down to earth and funny as hell. She taught me how to cook years ago and she's just the best. She lives in this tall house with high ceilings. From front to back it's about a mile long, there's all these LONG hallways with rooms and lofts. SO charming and cool. Its in the "mission district" which I guess is kinda ghetto. BUT then she works downtown in the financial district. She wears skirt suits and high heels to work like a WOMAN. I love it. When I first met up with her to get her house key in front of her work, we were chatting for 30 seconds when a strung out looking freak came up and tried to talk to us about BART (the subway in sf) She told him "we're having a private conversation", he was all "FUCK YOU YOU LITTLE FUCKING BITCH GO FUCK YOURSELF" etc etc, it was SO funny I'm not kidding. Because we just laughed and told him to fuck off!. anyway, this is her room...