toe is better

Hi girls, I wanted to let you know my toe is better. still looks totally gross, but not infected anymore. Now it just looks like an old man toe, peeling and turning brown on the nail sweet! :-(

I feel like a looser and a failure as far as my weight and not throwing up. For one thing, I haven't been going to the gym AT ALL. It's been at least a week. I have been going to physical therapy because I have this bad issue with my shoulder that started in BodyPump class. Its just jacked. Hurts all the time, feels like it's falling off. BodyPump is out of the question and the last time I tried swimming, my shoulder clicked so bad I had to stop. Right now, I'm just trying to get it stronger by doing exercises that don't hurt at the same time. The physical therapist gave me stretchy bands and a bunch of exercises that help I'm supposed to do twice a day as well as icing it. I've been going twice a week. It is REALLY frustrating....
Aside from no gym, I have been b/p-ing around 2 times a day. Last night we went to a fancy $100 dinner at Jakes Famous Crawfish. My boss (the owner of the apartments I manage) gave us a gift card. I had crabcakes for an appetizer, a REGULAR coke, a light mixed greens salad, and for dinner I had Ling Cod. It was REALLY good. I had a super bad anxiety attack at dinner though :-( I started talking about this time I went deep sea fishing with my Dad. I'll just give you guys the quick version: My Daddy took me on a deep sea fishing trip. We only caught sea bass but the big deal cool fish to catch was the Ling Cod. They are wild crazy fish and when one was caught, the fisherman had to bring it up to the waters edge but not OUT of the water or the fish would escape. Another fisherman would come over and scoop the fish out with a net. Then someone would beat the fish on the head with a bat to kill it quickly which sounds mean, but I think it's better than the thing suffocating slowly for hours in a burlap bag. Anyway, on this fishing trip with my Dad, I got my first period of my whole life. It was a big deal trip and then I started kind of crying at dinner while I told it and regretting that I started talking about it and thinking that if I was home I wouldn't EVEN finish my dinner and would probably go throw up right then. But it was a fancy dinner and so yummy and expensive and I just had to be brave. Husband started telling me that I was so awesome and overcame so much and I'm not like my mom. I said ya, I know I'm doing so well but I miss my fuckin parents you know? I just want my mom and some good old times fishing with my dad like that. Both of my parent's died and also my stepdad who raised me (just some background for you guys) and it SUCKS. Not trying to have a pity party, but it really does hurt sometimes. So I was feeling that BIG pressure in my throat for wanting to JUST CRY hard, I had all these big feelings to GET OUT. And I can never get them out--it hurts in my guts and on top of that I ate and ate and it was a meal that is OK not like a plate of sausage and cheese or something gross. But I had that sick HORROR of being full on top of that sad feeling. It was bad. If I could have thrown up I would have. SO then we went to the mall and I HONESTLY had to pee so I went to Macy's and I swore to my husband it was just to pee and I kept my promise. I got a doorbuster babydoll dress at Fredericks for $9 I'll put a picture soon... GOD I don't think there's anything better than feeling like I look good and can fit in lingerie!!  We came home and played around with the new laptop "santa" got for our son for Christmas--getting it set up so it's ready to go (sons were at a sleepover)..... Then we turned down the lights, put on some tunes, I got changed into my fredericks deal and bow chicka bowwow....... good times
So then this morning, he said something to me about he felt good last night after dinner not bloated "but you didn't feel so good cuz you went in the bathroom and threw up" AAAAHHH I didn't though.

I recently had my AA birthday 4 years. And I "chaired" my meeting so I sat up front and told some of my story and I really HATE HATE public speaking but this has gotten a bit easier for me every year. Not to cheese anyone out the door but I DO have a Higher Power. I'm not Christian and I don't believe Jesus Christ is my lord and savior. Sorry. I believe in GOD but it's more like "the force" and my Higher Power is ME if I were totally enlightened. Like When I pray, who am I praying to? I know God is bigger than any religion. "he" doesn't care about morals or commandments. There IS no "HE" to care about specifics.... So but I DO pray. and here's why: when I do the ACTION--getting down on my knees, being GRATEFUL, it gets ME plugged in. It gets my mind where I need to be to have peace and serenity. A LOT of "trippy" stuff happens to me too. Like the other day I made this commitment to try to be closer to God and so I decided to pray. but I don't know how to pray right. So I have this little daily meditations for women book. I brought that to where I pray in my room and I got on my knees and I opened it and to me, at that moment, the one for that day REALLY spoke to me. It was the day before I was going to speak at AA and it was about trusting God and our lives will be eased in direct proportion to our faith. It was like answering my prayer before I could pray it and that made me cry. just a little.

today I didn't really eat until 9pm. I mean, I didn't eat a meal. I ate one square of dark chocolate with sea salt (SOOOO good), and coffee. And then as I made dinner I had a couple nibbles of bread. I made a DE LISH chowder with turkey polska kielbasa as the meat. SO fattening and BAD bad, but good. I waited till husband went to bed to eat for real, then purge. then now I'm having tea.

so ya. I'm going to try to make it to a spin class tomorrow that shouldn't hurt my arm. I'm doing OK not packing on the pounds, only just still stuck at 133 which isn't the end of the world I just need to get my ass to the gym.

love you girls.

miss my girls

Hi friends! I've missed you! I didn't get to check all of thanksgiving weekend. This week I have been able to read some but I'm pretty sure I missed some stuff. :-(  If I didn't comment on something I should have, if there's anything I need to know, let me know kay?

So I'm just gonna spill my guts here (oooh good pun)....  I was very good all of Thanksgiving. I didn't puke until the last meal of the last night we were there.

Not too long before the holiday, my husband and I had a night alone. we went out to dinner. we went to Qdoba which is like, a big anxiety for me! way back when I was super health queen and didn't puke all the time I would go there and get a naked burrito with no rice just black beans, fajita veggies, lettuce, chicken, and salsa. NOW when I go, I get a regular nasty burrito with beans, rice, cheese, meat, sour cream, salsa, QUESO sauce!!! prolly 1100 cals. and then I always puke after. But this night at dinner with hubby, I didn't finish it because I didn't know how i was going to be able to purge after. then I got super quiet and got that sinking feeling of horror like I'm so busted. He asked what was wrong and I said I was having anxiety and he asked if it was because I wanted to throw up and i said ya.  which was a relief. I talked openly about the anxiety and that is a really good weapon against it. He was SO SWEET you guys. he said " do you want to go to the mall and we can walk it off?"

anyway, I did really well during thanksgiving like I said. all the foods were SOOOO good and I was mostly good except for dinners anyway. I feel like i ate like a hog and I gained 5 pounds, but meanwhile his parents made a few little comments about "you know you really shouldn't cut all the fat out of your diet" when I didnt' want to put butter on my whole wheat eggo's. I ended up putting butter :-P

Now I have a dilemma. I have an infection in my toe. its not an ingrown nail and there's no pus (eeew) but its red and swollen and that's the diagnosis. Probably got it from the nasty gym showers and everything. it's not visibly dirty, but I'm sure its a germ-o-rama. I've never done the flip flop in the shower thing, and I'm totally going to now. Anyway, I'm trying so hard to trust my doctor and do what he says. I'm going to physical therapy and just practicing self care. OF COURSE I looked up "big toe pain at night" on google, because it was so bad some nights that it woke me up and I was scared. I became convinced that I have Gout. But it's not gout and I believe my doctor. but then he gave me antibiotics right. I didn't even read the side effects because I'm GONNA get all of them if I read that stupid thing. So I took it and forgot about it. Couple hours later I found myself sitting on the side of my bed for like 10 minutes straight staring into the mirror all dazed. I felt edgy, and woozy and sad. SO THEN i read the side effects. it said if you get swelling in your mouth or a rash, go to the er. If you experience mood changes, or a bunch of other things, call your doctor. then I got a little panicky and that of course made me over analyze if I was having mood changes. but I didnt like it. So I called and let them know. well when I took it, i took it right after I purged lunch. and once I ate, hours later, I felt better. they basically told me to keep taking it. So a bunch of drama for nothing but I'd rather feel dumb than have a panic attack all night from not calling. I think I'm going to have to take them with food and not puke the whole fucking time I'm taking it!! FUCK. AND I can't tan while I take it. Oh, it's a 10 day course.  :-(

splotchy cuz of my socks...

lately I have been gaining. I'm back down to 131--I got as high as 136 and that made me sad. I reaaaally want to be a health nut again. what's wrong with me? I know what to do and I don't do it! every day! damn

Pirates Booty

Fuckin finally eh???  Sorry, I was on, um, hiatus.

OK I wasn't on hiatus OK. I was reading and feeling guilty because I did a good job of cutting out purging and then I tiptoed back into it and FUCK. I mean, to be honest, I don't hate it. I'm a little over talking about it at the moment. But i started back with the purging and going to the gym and I'm back down to 126 (which is good) then this whole week I didn't go. for 5 days in a row. UGH, but I told husband we have to go both days this weekend.

The last few days I've been obsessing about I got clip in hair extensions. They are so much fun. I got one set at Sallys for $100 and one set on ebay for $30. The sally's ones are better but the ebay ones are TOTALLY worth more than what I paid. they're not AS good, but they're real hair and everything nice. I have in both sets this eve. I've just been doing a lot of trying out how and where to place them and everything. 

So that's me at the mall tonight. There's hella hair in the back flowing down so thick too. I love it. And ok, I'm not trying to be conceited right now but I swear I think I look better than I did in high school. Not as young duh, but cuter and all that. I was skinny in high school but I was 100% dork. I guess everyone thinks that but I'm totally serious and sometimes I feel that way still. But these days I have about 99% more confidence. Sometimes I think I really have BDD but the OTHER way--like I think I look better than I really do but then I see a mirror and get embarrassed cuz I'm a claude . but then sometimes I get lucky and a picture turns out ok.....

I went to Fredericks in the mall... I got this strappy little number for $12 bux!! and the panty is crotchless. I've never really tried those, I hope it works out.  haha... That's my messy bedroom in the background I had to try to shade it out--SHAME, but could I take 2 seconds to straighten it out? guess not.

 

I'm THIRTY SIX years old. I'm not saying I look 18, but when I WAS 18, I didn't look this good and I definitely didn't think I'd look presentable in this type of outfit when I got to 36. When I was 17, 18 years old, I would look at my flat tummy in the mirror in wonderment. At my smooth perky boobs. smooth everything. I thought I'll NEVER be fat or stretched out, or have saggy boobs. I still don't have saggy boobs. But I went YEARS without looking in the mirror. and Now, I have bits and wobbles and flaps and STRETCH MARKS all over. but you know what, NO ONE sees all that. Not even my husband. Cuz we light candles and he doesn't notice bits n jiggles.

Why is this centered all the sudden??

AH HA! I figured it out.....  Ok so listen. If any of you is my friend on facebook, don't say anything on there about this blog ever. I know that's paranoid, but I have to just say it. kay. 

Hearts

kifer

Kifer is a cultured milk drink. YES its super high in calories, like, out of the question to high for some of you girls. 180 for 8 oz!! But I think it's even better than yogurt for the probiotic properties. Probiotics + apples = results. I needed the good bacteria to get the flora in my vaj back to normal :-) and the other results are just a bonus. And ya, I still didn't take any laxies. Somethin aint broke, don't fix it. that's what I always say! Just kidding, I've never said that.

Anyhoo, the other thing I wanted to tell about is the Allegra for Reynauds thing. Ya, it can work, it may not but he wanted me to try it because it might we'll see. The cold hands is a histamine signal like allergies I guess and allegra is an antihistamine. He promised me that Allegra is not like banadryl and is NOT mind altering. I still haven't gotten it though. probably next week. And as far as issues/problems/disorders go, this is kind of easy to manage. Before I knew what it was, it was super frustrating.

speaking of frustrating. I lost my brand new goggles and my swim cap at the gym. I left it there on Thursday and it's not in the lost n found and it's not in my house. LAME.. I've forgotten stuff at the gym and it's never in the lost n found. Like swimsuits. WTF I would NEVER EVER wear a swimsuit I "found" left at the gym. What if I saw someone IN MY swimsuit? People are scumbags. It's only happened a few times in like 10 years. but SHEEZE. I just spent $20 on those goggles :-(

a miracle happened

OMG I pooped without any laxatives! I can't even believe it. I got a yeast infection (lovely post eh) on last sat. Sun eve I used a one day treatment Ovule. Starting Monday, I was in the worst torture crotch rotch state till Thursday. this is bad but MY PEE HOLE was bleeding!! THAT was on Wed. so that night I got Cranberry juice concentrate and drank 4 glasses of straight nasty Cran juice with no sweetener. And I got Kefir, AND I got plain yogurt which, yes, I inserted "up there".... All that cuz  I knew I was seeing my doc today., otherwise I would have called, I tried to hold out. By the time today happened, I was on the road to recovery. I THINK. Its not an intense burning/itching. Just sore!!! I swear, that one day ovule made it worse, well it did it's OWN harsh burning to my tender bits. And other than itching and pain, I didn't have TOO much of the "other symptoms" that I don't need to name. The doc gave me  a one oral pill treatment, with lots of refills for if this happens again. Which it won't I'm gonna keep on the kifer. This stuff is miraculous, back to poo. I haven't gone naturally in like, a year. HAHA, I didn't take any laxies for a few days because during all that drama, it's just NOT a good idea. I don't need to get into specifics do I?  anyway I was puttering around the house and i was like (to myself) "what IS that feeling?" then I said "hmmmm, I wonder....? if its?" and so I grabbed a book and went in the ladies room and a miracle happened. I KNOW it's the kefir. It has so many probiotics and I drank it before bed 2 nights in a row. Plus all that cran juice didn't hurt I bet.

I've been having Some good and some bad times with purging. I'm TRYING but I can't say I've been 100% successful. I must not be doing it TOO much cuz I'm starting to go down in weight. going to the gym has been hard too lately. I swam 20 laps yesterday but that was about all I did all week. We'll go tomorrow too.

must...... sleep......
xo

Update: DUH I can't believe I almost forgot this: I ave reynauds syndrome. I got tested and I have markers or whatever for autoimmune  disorder. It's not lupus or rheumatoid arthrits. And the only symptom I get (right now) is the really super bad attacks of cold hands/fingers/toes. Its like a reaction happens where they freeze up. Sometimes just one or two fingers or toes, while the others are HOT it's REALLY weird. I think it's worse before my period so we're gonna keep track of that. He also suggested I take allegra to see if that helps.

k night

ugh.

I HATE to be a flake. I HATE to be wishy washy. (I'm gonna whine here) But I have been going up in weight and I'm panicked and I just threw up. :-( I'm gonna be a huge hypocrite. I am all making this separate blog so I can go public with my other blog and show recipes and give weight loss tips cuz my RL friends ask me all the time and I just feel like such a liar. I was stuck at 126 when I WAS puking every day. I stopped, it's been more than a week, and today at the gym I weighed 131!!! My period ended a  day ago, there's NO reason for a temp weight gain. It's not temporary. I GAINED 8 pounds since we went to CA (july)

I DO have good news though: I went to the doc on Friday, I had some lab work done the week before. I got blood drawn just a day after I had cut out puking. I was afraid my EVERY level of every test would be bad. From lax abuse and throwing up. Well guess what. I have OPTIMAL cholesterol, not diabetic, perfect electrolytes, thyroid and white blood cells....  Makes it hard to remind myself that puking is bad for my health when I'm in perfect health.

I'm DOING it!

I had one slip after my last post, I went overboard on lunch and purged. But it was just ONE time, I didn't fuck off the whole day. I was purging NO LESS than 3 times a day. Now I'm at ZERO times a day. I AM back on Livestrong.com tracking calories and workouts. It gives me an allotment of 1596 cals a day. I try to stay with that # of cals even if I work out and it tells me I get that many MORE. I have been ending up at around 1400. My weight is creeping up and I'm in a LITTLE bit of a panic over it but I got my period today and I'm trying to not worry about it. I figure I can worry about it later like next week but for right now I'm just trying to have a good habit and sort of stabilize.

I got this halloween costumethere's little bows with pompoms that attach to some knee high socks that I need to get. I'm gonna freeze to death.

Speaking of freezing, I have a problem. I'm SOOOOOOOOOO cold all the time. My family thinks I'm crazy and I got in an argument with husband about it yesterday, so I'm pissed and not turning on any heat. I didn't BLAST it before anyway, I ONLY JUST this last week turned it on ONCE in the living room. Usually I DO have it on in the bathrooms, cuz that's the worst. And the hardest is not turning it on in my little son's room. But I admit, I'm not the best judge of how cold it is. I'm cold no matter what. I wear GLOVES in my house with hand warmers inside, and my fingers are still numb. it's really weird and I hate it and I'm gonna talk to the doctor about it. That appointment is this coming friday....

broken record?

I know I keep saying this but I REALLY MEAN IT this time: I'm taking back control of my eating. I've gone WAY over board on the binging and purging. I've gained around 5 pounds. I'm swollen, depressed, and groggy.

I got back on Livestrong and I put the settings at I want to loose 1.5 pounds a week and I weigh 127. So it's giving me a 1300 cal allotment a day. I THINK I can do that (I know I can). even using naughty creamer in my coffee today. I'm gonna buy almond milk and splenda ASAP because the whole coffee/creamer thing does me IN--it's around 300 extra cals a day if not more. Who uses 1tbsp of cream?? And, no, I can't drink it black.... Besides, unsweetened almond milk is only 20 cals for a half cup which is about how much cream I put in my coffee haha.

After that concerned note from hubby the other day, I only thickened the wall between us further. I kept right on doing it and feeling ashamed and doing it more. Avoided close contact with him in case I smell like puke. Not looking him in the eye in case he will see through me. We skipped date night on sat (usually we do it wed & sat. nerdy, sure, but it works) and not a word was spoken about it. Sunday night I said "I guess we're old now". I know damn well it's ME being weird that is keeping us out of the mood.

Then yesterday, I had my usual lunch/naptime session. Kiddo goes down for his nap, I eat my lunch. Then I eat 10 other things and top it off with 2 full size candy bars. I go purge. No one is home except a sleeping kiddo so I am lazy about my routine. Usually I close and lock the door, I didn't this time. Usually I turn on the water full blast, and I didn't. Usually, when I'm done I flush the toilet and go to the running water and wash my hands and mouth. I dry my hands and get a huge piece of toilet paper and blow my nose then wipe down the toilet and flush a couple more times. Yesterday, I just washed my hands and face and left the bathroom cuz I didnt' even have a towel in there. I didn't go back in there again until hubby was home and HE called me in there. I was making dinner. He came and put his arm around me and led me to the bathroom and right away, I knew. I was so horrified. I started shaking and couldn't see right. I was MAKING dinner and I knew I couldn't eat that dinner (pulled pork burritos with chili lime rice and black beans) without purging after. I just couldn't. So I DID eat and then went to 'get a tan' (puke at the tanning salon bathroom WHO DOES THAT??)

This morning I emailed husband that I'm very ashamed for what he saw yesterday and that it has helped me be motivated to MAKE THIS CHANGE I keep talking about. I told him sorry for building a shame wall between us. He said he only wants me to be happy and he knows I can do it and I'm worth it. How fucking cute/sweet is that?? It DID cross my mind that if I'm more careful, I can probably still get away with it. But I confessed that thought right away to my text friend because I don't WANT to do that! I'm so done. I'm so sick of it. so far, this is what I ate today:
loaded coffee ~200
whole grain eggo ~85
butter spray ~05
egg ~70
soup/salad lunch ~340

I went to lunch with my AA sponsor and filled her in. We're working on basically what amounts to exposure therapy for me on some issues that give me anxiety and cause me to run to the kitchen. For example: I have something that is bothering me and I put off even THINKING about it until "later". I distract myself with things like binging and purging. Which ends up stealing HOURS from me every day. Because I have to do it a certain way and bla bla you guys understand. So I have several things which cause that anxiety trigger. We picked one that's "easy" and current. I have to have some lab work done for a dr appt I have coming up next week. First, we made the "appointment" for me to go in on Thursday. I don't need an appointment with the office but we set a day so that I'll actually DO it. Now, every time I think about it, instead of running to the kitchen and saying "I'll worry about that on Thursday", I will write down what I'm thinking about that appointment.

ugh, just writing all this down is making me feel STARVING.

I'm going to tighten up the calories over the next few days. Buy some almond milk and lean cuisines.... I want to do a juice fast again soon but I'm NOT ready yet....

Oh, the doctor appointment is that I need refills on some meds I've been taking forever. I guess I'm supposed to go to the doctor once a year or something. I've never had just plain old "tests" for cholesterol or whatever normal people get just, tested for, on a regular basis. I am paranoid, I never follow through on appointments. The doctor suggests things to me for issues I have like physical therapy for TMJ and I never even CALL physical therapy. I'm afraid someone will think I'm faking. I'm afraid "they" will think I'm stupid. I need some self esteem!!! GAWD. Kay, so we're working on that..... :-)

xo
UPDATE:
I had 1200 calories today. No puking. Feel bloated, full, gassy, gross. I will chug water and feel better in the morning.
Husband and I just had a MUCH NEEDED date in the bedroom WHEEW!! I feel fuzzy all over :-)the bottoms of my feet are tingling.
I bought almond milk and some veggies for juicing. Just a few things and I'll probably have one juice per day for the rest of the week. I got beets, lemons, cucumber, celery, spinach, and carrots.

check in

Sorry I dropped that heavy shit on you guys the other day, then didn't write again for a few.... I've been ok.

I only made it to the gym on tuesday last week. I feel like a lard ass. I stopped taking laxies and diurex last sunday and on thursday night I finally caved. I was just about to pop. I was pregnant with poo. Feeling MUCH BETTER today. still 126 ugh. but I feel better.

Planning on making it to the gym every day next week EXCEPT tuesday. I'll try to get some exercise and do sit ups or something that day still....

I'm starving right now. I haven't eaten yet today. I've been having a hard time with eating breakfast. probably cuz if I don't' go to the gym I don't HAVE to eat, so I don't.....

sorry for the lame post. I just wanted to check in.

BIG HEARTS!

OMG you guys I'm gonna cry right now. You all are so sweet!

Yesterday was OK. When I made that post I was so frazzled that I forgot to elaborate on the conversation with my husband. We were supposed to talk about it after the kids went to bed. But then we didn't talk about it and I didn't look him in the eye all eve. Then he went to bed.

Then this morning I was remembering so strong that I have to make a post here no matter what. I couldn't remember my second rule!! I knew it was something about eating breakfast. But I didn't :-( All I ate for brek was my coffee and 3 bites of my sons waffles. I had a fight with my older son this morning which TRAUMATIZED me! It was not that big a deal. But here's what happened: I was lecturing him about he needs to remember this that and the other for school he needs to learn about being responsible for his own stuff. He's in 4th grade now and he gets a ridiculous amount of homework. Like an hour each day. One of the things every day is to read, then write a paragraph about what he read in a reading journal. He forgot the journal one day last week so I had him do the writing on a loose paper to copy into the journal this week. Then yesterday he forgot the journal AGAIN AND he forgot his homework planner so we didnt' even know what his home work WAS yesterday. I keep telling him it can snowball SO FAST and the next thing you know you'll have 5 hours of homework in one day and he's in FOURTH GRADE it shouldn't be this stressful. Well even though he didn't have his homework planner, I still made him do a full page of math because that probably was on the planner, plus the reading/writing. So this morning we got in a fight because I was trying to remind him to bring everything home so we can get organized bla bla. He was giving me this blank stare and that got me mad because I'm like I CAN'T do it FOR him. I CANT! HE HAS to learn to do it on his own. Then he cried cuz I was just going in circles. So here's why I'm traumatized. When I was in 4th grade, we used to have a folder that would go home that the teacher would circle "good, fair or poor" for the week if you did what all you were supposed to. I knew that I was going to get a poor because I didnt' do all I was supposed to. so this one morning my mom came in to my room and said "what's it gonna be?" and I said "not good". she said "let's get it over with then" and then she beat my ass. And it wasn't like, structured, like a punishment. She lost her shit! I went to school with a black eye and a huge bruise on my leg. First she beat me with a plastic hanger. then when that broke she got a hair brush. then when that broke, she straddled me and grabbed me by the hair and banged my head into the floor (sorry to unload all this here you guys but I'm on a roll and I have to get it out). I don't even know what she was saying that whole time. But her FACE. I remember her face and I love my mom. I miss her with all my heart some days. I miss her so much. But I remember her face when she was going ape shit and I FEEL that ugly face coming out of MY face when I yell at my kiddo. I see him crumbling and I didn't go ape shit (this time) I didn't' totally yell or anything. So I'm honestly not feeling GUILTY as much as flashback traumatized. I'm going to talk to him for sure! I'm going to make up with him. But anyway, ya, I was traumatized by that. No one noticed at school. No one helped me. One nice classmate asked me what was wrong and I said "my mom did this to me this morning!" I was sobbing and the teacher didn't notice. All that horrible memory comes back because I made my kiddo cry before school... and during the writing of this, I binged and purged. I'm sorry, I know I'm going to do it again later so that will make more than once which I promised was gonna be my limit. But Please don't be let down you guys it really meant a lot to me to see that you guys cared...

busted again.

I woke up this morning to a letter from my husband about he's very concerned about me binging and purging and he doesn't want me to do it anymore. Plus he has a hard time with me buying naughty things like donuts because he doesn't want to eat that way but who has will power to not eat donuts when that shit is around ALL the time. Cuz lately I HAVE been buying fun to b/p foods and not like, hiding them or anything.... I've been b/p-ing 3 times every day at least and I'm not loosing weight. Just stuck at 124 - 126 and I totally go to the gym. So then I was like, You're right, I'm sorry, I won't buy that shit anymore. I don't want to make him my monitor, but I'm HIS monitor. We both have to have each others back that's all. I'm not trying to make him be my dad/boss so we get in that old unhealthy codependent cycle like with my drinking. Anyway, today I planned a kind of wholesome, not horrible, but not super dinner--homemade chicken pot pies. Chicken, carrot, celery, a can of condensed cream of chicken (divided between 4 pies, not bad) with puff pastry on top. I knew I was gonna try to keep that down and be good. So then I couldn't fucking bring myself to eat all day! I knew I had to eat something or I was gonna go overboard starving and buy taco bell. So I made a cole slaw (what a weirdo who WANTS to eat cole slaw...)--I made the whole stupid bag and I thought we could have some with dinner. But then it was SO tasty ( i used poppy seed dressing) I kept eating it once I started I was screwed. So then of course I had to purge that! Then by dinner time I was sick with hunger again and the dinner was amazing SO delish. So I couldn't stop and had to gorge myself and eat extra bread and butter, since by this time I already knew I was gonna puke.... I went to the tanning salon to get out of the house to puke!!! Now I'm eating again so I can puke again.

This is bad. I feel guilty. I have to make a plan. step number 1 of the plan is I have to make an entry here every day. Step #2 is ONLY purge once a day at the most. that means I have to eat breakfast and little snacks through the day. I need to follow a RESTRICTIVE DIET. I have to because I have 15 (ish) more pounds to loose and what I'm doing isn't working but I have to still do SOMETHING.

I know, I'll SAVE the used cat litter

There's NO SUCH THING as fat Japanese girls. I checked. On Google.

remember how I was gonna cut my purging to 1x a day. Well, lied I guess because it's still been three times a day till today it MIGHT only be two because I didn't eat lunch BECAUSE......

Omg we have a hoarder here. I'm an apartment manager and this tenant hoards garbage and bags full of used cat litter.. Those are the most foul things, but there are also dead bugs falling out of the fridge and something that looks like poop smeared on the kitchen floor. Jars of opened but not empty pasta sauce on the floor NEXT to the fridge. A bookshelf filled with coke cans and fast food drink containers. But a pile of movies on the floor (cuz the bookshelf is full of coke cans). This tenant is a PROFESSIONAL, who goes to work in AN OFFICE every day. I don't get it. I feel sooooo sorry for this person. Like, I want to help. I'm disgusted, but its fascinating. Why cant they put the bags in the dumpster outside? Why keep them inside? I've known there was something not right for a long time but it took a while to REALLY know for sure. we aren't a big beehive complex with a pool or fitness room. and we are right next to a trailer park. but this place is CLEAN. not spotless or perfect, but TIDY. no one who lives here has any idea this kind of thing is HERE...

Its super sad. I hesitated to add the pictures because I really do respect this girl. She has a good job and is sweet. I was afraid but I'm POSITIVE no one has ever seen this room or would know who it was. There's a chance she might not even recognize it. it IS FASCINATING isn't it.

cinnamon, hotdog, hot cross

Here's an updated before/after photo I started a long time ago. I found these pants again. I could have taken the today picture months ago but I kept forgetting.

Well, that made me worry that it looks like my butt fell OFF... so I took one with my skinny jeans on. but then YOU GUYS I was traumatized that my right bun looks funny, so I put on another pair of jeans.....
What is UP with my right bun yo????

I've been back at the gym more lately. But I'm not loosing any weight because I've been B/P X 3 every day. I am SO tired of throwing up. Plus I'm going to BURN IN HELL for eating MEAT and then throwing it up. That's just so very wrong.

And yes I DO still need (want) to loose more. If I didn't have on those tight jeans, my thighs still touch a LOT. I have flabby bits I'm workin on. I want to get down to 113 still. I mean, I know I need to draw a line in the sand and make a CHANGE. OK OK, so I'm going to make a statement so I have to stick to it. I'm going to start TOMORROW with cutting the purging to just once a day. Of course I know it should be none. But I will keep fucking up which just leads to more fucking up if I don't leave myself a little breathing room.... SO just once tomorrow and every day this week. I won't eat anything I'm not ok with keeping through the whole day. wish me luck you guys. You know I can do it--I've done it before, I just fell off and been rolling around in the mud for a bit. lazy.

where is cinnamon brown

I'm traumatized to find that her blog is erased. :-( does anyone know if she made a new one? she was so sunshiny and sweet. I'm sad.

oh ya

the glycolic product I told about the other day is called Glycolic 10% Toning Complex, and the brand is DDF Doctors Dermatologic Formula.

and yes Fed Up-I used to work in a fancy deli YEARS ago and they carried Boars Head Brand and I've never been able to eat like Oscar Mayer turkey ever again. I try sometimes, I'm a coupon mom! But that stuff tastes like WAX in comparison and my kiddo won't even eat it cuz there's "bits" that crunch and thats fuckin sick.

Vomit Nail Polish

TODAY is gonna be beach day. I went to the gym wed and did BodyPump and I swear I haven't been this sore in I don't know how long. But guess what! I'm skinnier than the teacher. This particular teacher isn't one of those sinewey nasty thin types. But she had the PERFECT bod when I first started taking the class back in like, march... She's beautiful, tan, good muscles but not too big.... But it's been months since I took her class and I've gotten much slimmer and tan! She had kind of a muffin top. The only thing she's still totally got on me is the thighs. Squats and lunges are still my worst torture and one bun is like, TORE or something it hurts so bad. But her thighs are tight as fuck, and that's what I want. Yesterday I just rode the bike and then did abs and then swam.

after the gym yesterday we started driving to the beach, but then I realized my parking pass is in my other car. It costs $7 to park one day!!!! I paid $21 for a year pass and I'm NOOOOOT going to pay SEVEN effin dollars. So we were in the hills on our way there and I changed the plan to: Berry patch!!! we (my little man and I) picked a couple pounds of raspberries. We also saw some other veggies growing including some artichokes which I think are So pretty! .... and we had a picnic. I was so good food wise all day till after noon (more on that later). I had oatmeal for breakfast (plain oatmeal with a DAB of brummel & brown, and orange marmalade--200 cals) and this was my lunch: super good deli turkey ($10/lb) on cucumber slices---150 cal

I picked up my older son from school and we headed straight to the zoo. We have a membership this year and they have some new baby Caracal's. The gates close at 4 so we had to make sure to get there before that. The baby Caracal's weren't out, but here's their daddy: My older son always wants to feed the lorrakeets and usually that is so crowded. But it turns out, the BEST time to go to the zoo is the afternoon on a school day. I only saw like 10 other people in the whole zoo.
We went out to dinner because it's so hot and I don't want to heat up the house. The place is called Sheri's. It's like Marie Callendars--Pies, and good old American fare. I was going to have a big salad. But ok, so we had to wait around 30 min for a table!!! that's unheard of at this place I don't know what the problem was. If I knew it was going to be that long, we would have left. then every step of the way after that was a horrible wait too.... We didn't have food for an HOUR from the time we got there. I was so frustrated and the KIDS!!! they were being troopers, but they were going apeshit! my older son and I had both cried by the time we were eating haha. I ended up whimping out and getting fish and chips. They got mini burgers. The food was SUPER good but it still wasn't worth the wait and torture. I was still pissed. then it took forever to get the bill, then when I went to pay (it was a joke at this point) the cashier/manager had dissapeared so I was standing there PISSED. When one of the waiters came to help me instead I told him I was really frustrated with all the waiting and I was about to cry. He went and go the manager and our meal was FREE.

hella cute outfit

ya, I went and did a TINY bit of retail therapy on Friday. I was super bummed about my mom and I only spent like $30. OK OK more like $100 but some of it was product I NEED from Sephora. Even my husband uses it--some face shit that is a miracle for zits, scars, and wrinkles. It's Glycolic Acid 10% toner right, and I let my supply run out and I didnt' rush out and get more for a week or so and dude, I was SO broken out. Not the worst, deep, acne ever. But the whole surface of my skin was just gross and clogged and sad. Anyway, that part of my spending doesn't REALLY count as retail therapy because we both use it and we need it. But I do enjoy going to Sephora :-) Then I went all around the mall and bought 5 pairs of lacy thong panties from Gap--they were having a FOUR dollar sale!!! AH mazing. And I got those cute as shit shorts from Forever 21. I already had the top and shoes from the thrift store ;-P

OH THEN I won an auction for a 3.5 oz bottle of my favorite perfume by Badgley Mischka for $21 on ebay. They don't even make it anymore and I'm so thrilled I GOT it in the mail already. A 1.7 oz bottle was $60 when they DID used to sell it so I got a rad deal. :-)

At the end of the mall time, I went to sonic and got a BURGER AND A CHICAGO DOG which I brought home to B/P........

Went to the airport to get my husband who was on a biz trip all last week. Kids were having a spend the night out.

Sat we did a couple errands then went to the State Fair. Salem (we live in oregon) is about 40 min away with no traffic. But MAN there was traffic!!! there was this super good show on NPR--people telling crazy personal stories about survival. Like a kidnap victim, and a guy who got picked up hitchhiking by an escaped lunatic.... It was fun to listen to while we got roasted alive in my car with no AC sitting in traffic for over an hour. I guess both the colleges south of us were having some big deal games, and the fair was going on.... Anyway we go to the fair every year and I love it. I have a specific order I like to walk through it. We headed straight for the back of the fairgrounds to work our way forward. We went through all the livestock stuff. Those FFA kids are camping out, playing cards, having the time of their lives! I think pigs are filthy and gross, but I like llamas, and cows and the kids love everything especially the goats and horses. I love horses too duh... kay then we were having a little lunch. The family got pizza, I got a burger at a Hawaiian booth. It was GOOD and I thought it was OK if I just ate it and enjoyed it like a normal person. The ketchup dispenser was stuck and I was leaning into it with all my strengh when a clog broke through and I got COVERED in ketchup!!! SO PISSED. because THEN I had to go out of my routine to go to the vendor area next to get a new shirt. I HAVE A SPECIFIC ORDER I LIKE TO GO THROUGH THE FAIR!!! DAMMIT. well I had a good excuse to take extra long in the bathroom and purge that burger to feel better/smug/free..... But I got in the bathroom and there was a line, 2 stalls, and it was COMPLETELY SILENT in there. Not to mention hot and smelly.... I couldn't purge. I tried a few more bathrooms along the search for a top, but I didn't have any luck. So I was hot, smelled like ketchup (which was soaked through to my bra), and full.... AAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHH what a fiasco. I had fun though, I really did. I made the best of all of it. I love going through the big grandstand halls with all the quilts, and old ladies doing needlework, and men doing woodworking... plus, we got in free cuz some nice people gave us tickets when we were waiting in line a the ticket booth, so that was bonus.

Sunday, we tried to go to my favorite nude beach on the river..... But it was TOO CROWDED, there was no parking. Everyone was double parked and there was a parade of cars (us included) having to turn around and leave.... so that was a bummer too. We had my car (did I mention it doesn't have AC?) all weeked cuz hubby's was in the shop. It was ready to pick up friday but we didn't get over there and they were closed all long weekend. I was pissed but I'm over it.

Monday, we went to the big bonanza corn roast we go to every year for Labor day. Its a AA party, sounds nerdy but it's not I love it.

Husband is out of town again, school started yesterday so me and the little man are headed out to the gym. I love my routine and I love that it is SOOOO HOT this whole week. Maybe I'll take him to the beach just him and I. It won't be crowded today and tomorrow.... I'm gonna do it.

xo

dirty text ideas?

Hubby is on a business trip....



Today I ate a banana, went to the gym and worked out (running .25 mile to warm up, weights for 30 min, swimming for 10 min) was kinda light. I felt weak :-( maybe I should eat more before... then I had a half serving of muscle milk. Then I starved till dinner and we went to buffalo wild wings (that was the kids choice). I had a buncha buffalo wings, fries, nachos... Then I rushed home to purge. Then we went out and did a couple more fun things. now I'm eating crap to purge again. sooo nice. that's my life right now.



I keep crying lately. My moms death anniversary is saturday and I figured out, that's probably why the easy crying.



School starts soon. then I'll have a better routine. then soon I can think about getting off laxatives. then soon I can think about quitting purging... soon soon soon soon soon

if ya wanna have fun then do somethig cray zay

like flash you're titties!!!



haw haw, ok that's a song I didnt just make that up......



AAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHH ok, so today so far I've had) a granola bar, coffee with a little milk. Then I went to see The Help by myself at the movies (it was so good and the first time I've gone alone to the movies in around 10 years I need to do that more often) and I had a small popcorn and diet coke. I didn't have them add butter to the popcorn but that shit is still naughty. I'm still dreaming about that BIG YUMMY burrito I had last night I want that again so bad right now. But instead, I passed qudoba's right on by and got a coffee instead. I have AA tonight and then I'm picking up my kids. Husband is out of town for the next few days. I think I WILL get candy before my meeting this time. I'm too hungry to not nibble.......



I got a new sexy inspiration. Kay the other night I put on my glasses and gave my husband a look and I was thinking "naughty secretary" but then HE said something about detention so he was thinking "naughty teacher" I cant do the naughty teacher bit. But I CAN get a business suit and not say anything (no acting please!! too embarrassing) but wear thigh highs and high heels and play the horny business woman.... So I need to shop for a good business suit.

I hope so

I was down to 122 for one tiny bit a month or so ago. But mostly I was sticking around 123-124. Then it started creeping up on me... Add my period to that AND I was slacking at the gym big time all of August, I got up to 128!!! AAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH That's practically 130, I'm not ok with that. I'm having a hard time getting in my tiny new clothes.



Sunday, I had a peach for breakfast and the naughty creamer in my coffee. Then at lunch I had (very nice from the deli) turkey slices wrapped in big lettuce leaves for lunch and a couple of tortilla strips. Total for the day at that point was 386 cals. I was swoozy and starved and had a headache. Then I b/p'd twice from dinner on....



Monday, I had oatmeal for breakfast, didn't eat my whole serving. Also had coffee with 2%. Lunch I had maybe one cup of a totally dry fresh chicken salad I made: Chicken, almond slices, apples, celery, lemon juice, herb seasoning. My cals for the day at this point was only 223. Then we went to Qudobas for dinner UGH! It was SOOOOO delish. Usually I get a naked burrito and purge it anyway so THIS time, I got a regular nasty burrito. OMG it was so good. NO idea how many calories (well I have an idea but.....) and I purged it. Then after hubby went to bed I had a little b/p session and I love it when this happens: first of all, cereal is SO easy to purge especially life cereal. Then at the end, I could taste just pure yellow bile (gross I know). my stomach was EMPTY, and I know because I got a total low blood sugar attack. SO swoozy and tunnel vision, and shakes..... I had a little peanut butter and crackers. I'm stealing this from another blogger friend (hi friend) but peanut butter is my secret weapon. I eat it plenty and I still loose. It plays SOME kind of trick on my bod. Maybe it's not a secret weapon but it doesn't hurt I SWEAR.



Today I'm at 126, so, on my way back down. I saw a girl at IKEA this weekend who had my dream bod. She was probably 110, a little shorter. So slender, but tan and you could tell she works out. Like I'M guessing she has an ED, but she didn't have that ED look that other people notice. and I swear to God, it's the tan. Tan and a little muscle definition is all you need to trick people. And if anyone says anything like "you're not anorexic are you" you just show em your big muscle and say "you can't have good muscles if you don't eat" and give them a wink and then, no worries. ;->



I want to get down to 113, then maintain around 118. I'm 5'5"

bummed now better

Sunday we went to a sporting even with the kids.... I was obsessed with how many fat people I was seeing. I felt a little cramped in the seats and I'm like, normal size.If you call this normal.... I still think my legs look squished into these shorts, but I'm sitting.



How do people sit if they are overweight?

they don't.

I really do feel horrible about putting this picture. But I really was having a hard time enjoying the day with my kids because I was worried about this, and I wanted to share that with you guys. I think it's a little over the top for me to obsess like that. Also, it was HOT.... UGH



I am happy that I can kind of see the lines in my chest here



I was SO BLAH for so long!! No inspiration! No drive! Last night I was in a bad mood and wanted to post about it but just didn't feel like it. Lame. I got so mad because I wanted my husband to HURRY UP and go to bed already!!!! So I could purge. I hate it when my mood and life is affected because I can't purge when I need to. I have had dreams TWICE lately about that too--that I ate and can't find a place/way to purge. I haven't been to the gym in TEN DAYS. depressing.



I know what I need to do to stop this horrible cycle, and I just haven't had the will to do it. This morning, just now, I made a healthy juice--2 huge servings worth. Carrots, cucumber, apples, lemons, kale, celery, spinach. when I was buying all that stuff on Sunday I knew I needed to juice, but I didn't WANT TO. I just wanted to be lazy and fat and eat like a hog and be a bitch. Today is Tues, and I finally got in there and did it. I couldn't think of what to do for dinner. But then I drank a little bit of my juice and got inspired and I'm gonna have fajita veggies and brown rice.

off to the gym....



UPDATE:

I did it! followed my plan perfectly. Drank my juices and starved all day. It was wonderful!! Then had my planned supper like a good girl. Now I have my AA meeting and I usually eat candy the whole time but I'm gonna be good tonight. I have a friendship bracelet to make to keep my hands busy so I don't go apeshit sitting still :-) No binging and purging all day AAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHH! I feel so elated. Just yesterday I couldn't NOT do it.... whew. what a relief.

xo

If I do say so myself

Callypigian

Went to the nude beach that's my fave today. I'm still kid free till Sat. It's been really nice but I miss them but it's been really nice :-)



I've been talking a lot lately with my husband AND my bff about my ED. I read my blog from one year ago to now and I was doing so well before with eating right and working out and only using purging once in a while when I screwed up. NOW I purge 2 times a day at least and eat CRAP. I need to get back on TRACK!! Maybe I should get skinny bitch again and get inspired. That really helped me before... I just didn't want to put anything nasty in my body in the first place and taco bell was SOOOOO out of the question.



skinny bitch it is then..... dammit

vlizzity

As you wish

This was me when the fire department came by to do an inspection.... A firetruck full of firemen came to the complex. Probably the cutest one of the bunch (aren't they ALL cute though sheesh) came to my door (I'm the manager) and I was just doing things around the house and getting ready to go to the gym. I was gonna wear a tank top OVER that sports bra. Some cool asses DO just wear the sports bra top to work out. But I can't do that, cuz, well, it's dorky. anyway. the cutie pie fireman came to my door and I answered it cuz I didn't know it was just an inspection of the property. He looked at me, looked me up and down and said "yes mam, well, um, we, uh, are here from that firestation down the street there, and uh.... (bla bla we wanna check the place out)" but he was seriously dumbfounded. And I was tickled pink!

So then I wanted to show you guys that, but I thought the picture looked a little beefy. I like slender/athletic. Not JUST athletic. I still have a ways to go to get to the slender part. SO this picture is better.


I didnt' want you all thinking I'm trying to look like mary lou retton

cuz I'm not....

I'm still 122.? every day I go to the gym. Today it was 122.5 at the end of the gym..... I still b/p every day. the last several mornings I haven't been eating breakfast at all. What I WAS doing was eating breakfast (oatmeal or a banana) and coffee. then I would sometimes be good till dinner (not purge lunch), then just go apeshit all night from dinner on. then it became where I would start going apeshit earlier like starting at lunch. Today, I didn't eat anything till dinner. EXCEPT a wheatgrass shot from jamba juice. Then we went to sushi which can be good but I always eat nasty junk sushi like vegas rolls (roll of crab salad with mayo, avocado, cream cheese, light tempura battered then deep fried!) I did pretty well until I ordered a vegas roll on purpose and ended up having TWO which honestly probably was at least 500 cals just for those 2. I also had some shrimp tempura roll which contains a deep fried shrimp.... Its all so yummy. I was debating the whole time with myself, that if I was good, I should keep it down and NOT WORRY I didn't eat all fuckin day. But then my husband asked if we wanted to go to the mall to walk it off, I just went crazy and ate more than I normally (what does that mean anymore--normally) would. Then I felt guilty, ashamed, nauseous. I couldn't get to a bathroom fast enough. I tried so hard to be ok with it, but UGH, I just couldn't. I went to the family bathrooms at the mall--they're individual with a sink and toilets all inside a locked door. SO private. But they were all full so I sat down and waited for what felt like forever, feeling so ashamed. I had my arms wrapped around my tummy rocking back and forth.... Waiting waiting, sick, gross, hurry fuck!! then two teenage guys came out of one (???) and I did my thing... then I went to Dicks Sporting goods to try on fitness shorts. I tried on SEVERAL pairs and I cant find a kind that look good on me... I think I'm the tight capri workout pants type. Plus my fitness skirt is hecka cute.

OK so listen to THIS: see in the second picture I'm wearing sandals? well I was wearing those when I went to the gym and I forgot to change into tennies. So I had to wear those lame things to lift weights. what a dork

Fat Med Aid

OKAY, I'm sorry in advance this post is probably offensive. my gym is right next to one of those schools that teaches people to be Medical Assistants. at least 80% of the people who go there are fat. I don't know why that annoys me, but it does. It totally does. On top of that, there's always a big group out there SMOKING in their wannabe nurse uniforms. wtf. Ya, let's put the most unhealthy people in the front lines of the healthcare industry. And you know that stupid "school" isn't telling them to loose weight or be healthy because they're getting paid so who cares. ugh

I'm thinking of making this blog private like you have to be invited to read it. Just cuz I'm paranoid of someone i know reading it. I DO leave out names, but I have been putting pictures. Plus, this is linked to my gmail, so someone might come across it. AND I have friends in REAL life who have blogger, and if I ever comment on their blog, it will put THIS profile and they might read this blog. no good. I don't want to feel repressed in my writing here. would you all be down with that? I don't want to loose readers either.....

punkin belly

OH MAN so we went to my sis's house this weekend for a spend the night and hang out. I didn't purge while I was there and I ate "sensible" and I didnt want to have an issue on the way home so no laxies for me last night so therefore I'm pregnant right now. I got a new iPhone 4 and I'm gonna pee from joy. I have to play with it. I think I can use it as a webcam HAY! so any of you vloggers: do you know if I can do that?? can anyone give me tips? cuz I'll totes put a vlog, a short one cuz hearing voices is fun--I think so anyway, when you girls do it it's always superneat to me to hear your voice put to the words.

xoxo

more about the trip: I have a "sort of" sister. I have 2 sisters by the same dad, and they have another lil sis like me, from the same mom. But lil sis and I don't have any of the same parents. make sense? anyway, she's anorexic and I have lost a lot of weight recently so then I know everyone is wondering if I'm done loosing weight or do they need to worry. She's 40 years old, no kids, second husband just left her. She's a TAD controlling. She's very pretty, SUPER funny, one of the smartest people I know. I love her to death. I really do. Yesterday she didn't show up to the bbq till after food time and I told big sis's that she probably doesn't want to get hassled about eating or not eating or WHATEVER. She's a grownup and I think she looks great, though I have to say, thinner than I've ever seen her.... But then I really felt self conscious and I couldn't purge. Just couldn't do it. I didn't want to make anyone suspicious and worry. I wonder if they noticed that I ate a whole bowl of cucumbers and tomatoes, then just the tiniest bit of chili? I'm a lard right now anyway.....

You like my music Jack?

I failed miserably yesterday. I DID have fruit for "dinner" though (hana :-) but then I ate a million other things too. I made the coolest new thing: Lemon Poppyseed Hummus! Chilled, it goes so good with fruit--specially White Nectarines. SO good, it almost tastes like lemon poppyseed cake BATTER which I have never had but I'm sure is delish. I think that hummus and nectarine would make a perfect breakfast. I'll try it soon....

So far today, I had a banana for breakfast, a diet pepsi and a sample of an energy/oatmeal/seed/bar thing at costco... And a few licks of different hummus's I'm making.... I dont' know what I'm gonna do this afternoon, well it's 5:30 now so, evening.... I'm making Mediterranean delights for dinner, with chicken instead of falafel. Here's what I'm gonna do: eat dinner, purge, hog out on nasty treats tonight after bed, purge again. I feel kinda ambivalent about "recovery".... I want to do more restricting and less purging. and twice a day is less than 3 times. soon, I'll cut it to once? I weighed 122 at the gym today. and that was RAD.

for ever and ever

So for the last three days, I have been home "alone" just with the kids who aren't monitoring my food or purging habits. Mon and tues I was superbad and b/p'd around 3 times a day. Totinos pizza, ice cream, cookies, peanut butter, cereal...... Today, I did really good all day with mostly just restricting, UNTIL dinnertime. I just couldn't stop once I got started. no breakfast and then for lunch I had veggie sticks with hummus (that I made.... ps i'll put a recipe soon)... then I'm makin my kids dinner and munching little bites here and there. Then I went apeshit and ate a whole bunch of peanut butter and graham crackers. So I purged. start fresh! I made some cucumber slices with another kind of hummus smeared on top, AND I made cucumber slices with turkey and swiss on top with a TINY but of tahini sauce I made.... that was what I PLANNED for myself for dinner. I'll eat it when hubby gets home tonight.... later......

UPDATE
so I ate veggies and hummus and some of the cucumber stacked with turkey and cheese. Not too much. But I AM feeling so naughty. I have so many good treats. I can't say no and I'm gonna do it. I DID do a lot better today than I have in many days. All I can do is try again tomorrow. I'm gonna get on here and report a plan first thing, then an update of what happened. I think a plan is SO important....

xo

what gives

O
M
G


I told my sponsor (Alcoholics Anonymous) about my ED..... I've been frazzly lately. Loosing things and lying and flailing and lying and secrets and lying. And that shit leads to drinking. I went to dinner with her and I knew I had to come clean. The LAST time we got together about a month ago, I thought I might tell then. But I didn't and the symptoms of my secrecy have only gotten worse. I had to tell. She didn't bust me too bad. Then I came home and told my husband. OF COURSE now I wish I hadn't told either of them. But I'm having "issues" lately with my health and I worry and I KIND of want to get better. But honestly, HONESTLY, I still want to keep b/p-ing as a stress reliever. I have still done it every day since the big "confess"... It's been harder if I do before husband goes to bed. But ya. that was a step in A direction.... Husband said he knew and he's cracked a couple of jokes since like "I took 'son' to dairy queen and we got a waffle cone and DIDN'T purge right after. and then I talked candidly about how my usual time for the biggest pointless bender of the day is always at night and maybe we can set me up a nice little area in the backyard where I can have a hookah at night instead... Sponsor said we're going to take it one step at a time. Get my life on track so I dont' GET stressed to want to b/p. AND I need to go to the doctor to get perspective on the health aspects of it.

Husband is going on a biz trip for the next 3 days. So I'll be "alone" to do what I want. right now, I can't imagine NOT going on a b/p bender. but maybe I'll try not to one or two days... I'll think about it. Restricting, nice to meet you.... we'll talk later ok? I'm off to eat cereal, and peanut butter, and ritz crackers, and a 3 musketeers bar.

All you had ya wasted~

OKEE DOKKE SO here's the big California Trip post. I promise I MOSTLY read all y'all's blogs when I was gone. I just couldn't really post. I weighed 124 or 123 when we went down and I'M STILL at 124?! sweet huh. I got to work out some just a couple of times at the beginning of the trip. We stayed at a fancy hotel at first that had a NICE workout room. Nicest I've seen in a hotel. When we were driving I was really thinking hard about how I would "deal" with the whole "food thing" while we were down. Like, shouldn't it be okay for me to JUST EAT whatever, and not purge?? Ya, it should. but..... Then I thought, OH HOW am I gonna not binge on naughties at night like I'm so used to?? But then I just thought, I can do that when I get home no big deal. and it wasn't a big deal. Then one of the first nights we went to the grocery store to get breakfast stuff and sandwich stuff just in case we could have an opportunity to save a few bux. I wasn't going to spend $20 PER PERSON for breakfast at the fancy towne hotel and then my kids not eat it anyway fuck that. Anyway, I got breakfast, but also suzie q's and twinkies, and some others. and i didn't even binge on those till days later, at the next hotel. Until the wedding, I was pretty good. AT the wedding, I DIDN'T purge, and I ate everything like a normal person. it was GOOD. Filet Mignon, sea bass, YUMMY mashed potatoes, veggies. and the salad bowl was made of cucumber slices in a circle shape it was so nice. OH I did waste one really expensive meal. We were at the California Academy of Sciences. It cost us $80 to get in there, then at the CAFE--not the fancy restaurant, but the like, cafeteria part, it was $50 for LUNCH. Husband had chicken tenders and fries ($12) kids had mac n cheese and fries (shared it)($11), I had salad rolls like the ones I've been making, ($12) then all the drinks.... I wasn't planning on purging that. I was like FUCK THAT if I'm gonna spend that much and then puke it?? no way. but then I was so full and hated myself for getting full like that. you know that feeling :-( The night before, we went out for pizza in North Beach in SF by Chinatown, and I only had ONE slice of a family style sit down pizza. I got dibbs on the leftovers. Planned a late night binge/purge, and then didn't do it. I was good that time. I should have been checking in here to report about all those individual triumphs and failures. its interesting to look back on....

well here's some pictures:




Here's a couple of pictures for my friend Mich--Harlequin Shrimp!



And here's the Bulimic Iguana. Check out those cheeks, who does he think he's fooling?


On the drive home we went to this "mystery spot" type attraction where the gravity is supposed to be weird. I think they just build the structure so it's an optical illusion. I got SO NAUSEOUS in this place.


And these are of the bedroom we stayed in in San Fran. My girlfriend lives there and we stayed there the night before we headed to the fancy hotel. She's SO effing cool! SHE's down to earth and funny as hell. She taught me how to cook years ago and she's just the best. She lives in this tall house with high ceilings. From front to back it's about a mile long, there's all these LONG hallways with rooms and lofts. SO charming and cool. Its in the "mission district" which I guess is kinda ghetto. BUT then she works downtown in the financial district. She wears skirt suits and high heels to work like a WOMAN. I love it. When I first met up with her to get her house key in front of her work, we were chatting for 30 seconds when a strung out looking freak came up and tried to talk to us about BART (the subway in sf) She told him "we're having a private conversation", he was all "FUCK YOU YOU LITTLE FUCKING BITCH GO FUCK YOURSELF" etc etc, it was SO funny I'm not kidding. Because we just laughed and told him to fuck off!. anyway, this is her room...

I'm so bad

shEEZE I haven't posted for a week.

SO the other day I made Mediterranean Delights

It was deeeelish. Purged of course.

then ok, I wanted to share one other pic. I put it on a facebok funny group a friend made about butts

THE BEST PART is my arm--my right arm, look at that lovely line! AH! what a delightful surprise.

I got down to 122.25 the other day. but been STUCK at 124 for days and we leave in 2 days for cali and the wedding is this coming sunday in one week. I want to be 120 for that day so badly you guys. I went to the gym and kicked ass today, I'm going again tomorrow and the next day and when we go to CA I'll be able to work out one way or another every day. I have to drive for 12 hours straight so one day is gonna be ruined. But then next day we're going to the Academy of Sciences in Golden Gate Park so that's tons of walking. then the next three days we're staying in a swanky hotel that has a pool and workout fancy room. Hotel Sofitel I'm gonna work out every day there too. It's SO HARD to drive for a thousand hours with kids in the car and everyone sleeping or whining and not eating crap the whole time. I don't know what I'm gonna do. I'm going to roll out of the car a bloated beluga whale. OK: I'm gonna get a BIT of beef jerkey, some of those super crunchy rice snack thingys and that's IT for salty snacks. I'll get some good strawberries and oranges. and for sweets, I'll have jolly ranchers. AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHhhh

catch up

I should have written a couple of posts this weekend. There was plenty to talk about. But when I had time to post, I was busy b/ping....

FIRST OKAY we went to this big ole family fun place called Johns Incredible something or other. Its like this big pizza buffet, salad bar, pasta, dessert, the whole 9. and there's an arcade with games and rides and a bonanza of fun. I hogged out and visited the ladies room and then played games and we stayed for 2 hours it was dark out when we left. THEN when we got home, I visited the restroom at home cuz we had dessert in the meantime and I had LOTS of dessert. Usually my husband goes to bed a couple of hours before me, but I went to bed with him because we had plans to go to the farmers market early. Getting ready for bed, he closes the door (unusual) and goes "I've got something to ask you and I hope you tell me the truth" AAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!! scared the living Christ out of me. :-( He goes "You ate a lot at dinner. Then you spent a long time in the bathroom" and I was all "YOU guys went to the bathroom too" and he goes "then you ate a lot at dessert and then you went to the bathroom when we got home" OH Meanwhile, I was looking around frantic because I lost my wedding ring. And it's not just any ring--it's my great grandmothers ring and my mom wore it and I always coveted it and it's MINE now and I LoVe it.....
So ya, I lost it earlier that day and was beside myself already trying to find it. So he's asking me that and I was all "don't ask me hard questions when I'm already upset." and he goes "well I just want you to know, thats not cool" and I was all "gross like I would do that, in a public bathroom. But I'm not saying I never have or I never would cuz I would but that's so gross" and I was all scattered and he let it drop.

I had bad dreams like I was busted. I dreamed I got raped with a GUN by a russian man. (nice)

we went to the gym and I asked if they found my ring. no luck. 2 annoying things happened at the farmers market. It was the day of bad luck. I met with my (AA) sponsor and I was THIS CLOSE to telling her about the ED stuff. I was THIS close too, to telling husband..... But I didn't. When/if I purge and he's home, I'm prepared to tell him "YOU'RE NOT THE BATHROOM MONITOR" but he hasn't acted weird since... the talk with my sponsor was good. I told her about how all these really annoying things keep happening like the world is against me and I REALLY hate all that "woe is me" the world is against me bull honk. I know it's not, but when THIS many annoying things happen: 2 people have road rage against me, I have to ask for my money back from farmer market guy, loose my ring, etc etc all day every day for a week, I have to wonder if it's something I'M doing wrong. right? So I run the whole situation by her and we talk about it for a while and it's like, I have some unresolved trauma from my childhood. I know my ED is my drug of choice for stuffing it lately. Plus just HAVING the secret of the ED--it's just all about, I'm not honoring myself and I'm trying to stuff feelings bla bla. I'm not ready to deal yet. and I HAVE dealt with it all before. Could never get all the way through therapy on it. I start loosing my marbles and I mean wtf is the point if it makes me worse crazy to "deal" with it. AND it keeps coming back even when I'm completely ok years later I'll have like, a relapse or SOMETHING.... anyway.

We went to the tanning salon so I could ask about my ring they didnt' have it. I went to bed AGAIN without it. I prayed to my mom to bring it back to me. I decided I needed to get over it because it was making me cry and not be able to function.

Sunday was fathers day. I made pancakes, eggs, sausage, fruit, jello, oj, coffee.... I purged breakfast. We got ready for the gym kinda late. on our way out the door, guess what: I FOUND MY RING!! it was RIGHT where I thought I took it off. when I looked there 100 times I wasn't seeing it. Impossible

We went out for lunch to Red Robin (classy) Instead of a 2000 calorie plate, I only had a ONE thousand calorie plate and hurried home to purge that. Had to take a "break to read" in the bathroom he thought I had diarrhea (which I did cuz I took laxatives the night before too). Interesting to plan the order of the laxative/oral purge in one bathroom visit.......

swim time

SO I said I was only gonna swim 20 laps today cuz I was so sore last night no kidding. But I felt ok, so I swam a mile--that's 32 laps and took me 35 min. That used to take me 40 minutes or more I'm a rockstar. And get this: There were SO many HOTTIES (guys) in the pool! 1 on each side, then 2 on each side it was awesome. Then the cutest most perfect body hottie got out and went on MY Side of the pool and layed out and did abs for a full 20 min. I got caught checking him out!! haha! the BEST part is, I'm checking this guy out and then remembering I have someone just as hot (but hotter even) who BELONGS to me and thinks I'M hot. it's rad right!

Then I took my kiddos to the park for a picnic--I packed before the gym just like a perfect mom. It was really nice out.