So I'm just gonna spill my guts here (oooh good pun).... I was very good all of Thanksgiving. I didn't puke until the last meal of the last night we were there.
Not too long before the holiday, my husband and I had a night alone. we went out to dinner. we went to Qdoba which is like, a big anxiety for me! way back when I was super health queen and didn't puke all the time I would go there and get a naked burrito with no rice just black beans, fajita veggies, lettuce, chicken, and salsa. NOW when I go, I get a regular nasty burrito with beans, rice, cheese, meat, sour cream, salsa, QUESO sauce!!! prolly 1100 cals. and then I always puke after. But this night at dinner with hubby, I didn't finish it because I didn't know how i was going to be able to purge after. then I got super quiet and got that sinking feeling of horror like I'm so busted. He asked what was wrong and I said I was having anxiety and he asked if it was because I wanted to throw up and i said ya. which was a relief. I talked openly about the anxiety and that is a really good weapon against it. He was SO SWEET you guys. he said " do you want to go to the mall and we can walk it off?"
anyway, I did really well during thanksgiving like I said. all the foods were SOOOO good and I was mostly good except for dinners anyway. I feel like i ate like a hog and I gained 5 pounds, but meanwhile his parents made a few little comments about "you know you really shouldn't cut all the fat out of your diet" when I didnt' want to put butter on my whole wheat eggo's. I ended up putting butter :-P
Now I have a dilemma. I have an infection in my toe. its not an ingrown nail and there's no pus (eeew) but its red and swollen and that's the diagnosis. Probably got it from the nasty gym showers and everything. it's not visibly dirty, but I'm sure its a germ-o-rama. I've never done the flip flop in the shower thing, and I'm totally going to now. Anyway, I'm trying so hard to trust my doctor and do what he says. I'm going to physical therapy and just practicing self care. OF COURSE I looked up "big toe pain at night" on google, because it was so bad some nights that it woke me up and I was scared. I became convinced that I have Gout. But it's not gout and I believe my doctor. but then he gave me antibiotics right. I didn't even read the side effects because I'm GONNA get all of them if I read that stupid thing. So I took it and forgot about it. Couple hours later I found myself sitting on the side of my bed for like 10 minutes straight staring into the mirror all dazed. I felt edgy, and woozy and sad. SO THEN i read the side effects. it said if you get swelling in your mouth or a rash, go to the er. If you experience mood changes, or a bunch of other things, call your doctor. then I got a little panicky and that of course made me over analyze if I was having mood changes. but I didnt like it. So I called and let them know. well when I took it, i took it right after I purged lunch. and once I ate, hours later, I felt better. they basically told me to keep taking it. So a bunch of drama for nothing but I'd rather feel dumb than have a panic attack all night from not calling. I think I'm going to have to take them with food and not puke the whole fucking time I'm taking it!! FUCK. AND I can't tan while I take it. Oh, it's a 10 day course. :-(
lately I have been gaining. I'm back down to 131--I got as high as 136 and that made me sad. I reaaaally want to be a health nut again. what's wrong with me? I know what to do and I don't do it! every day! damn
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ReplyDeleteOuchies, I hope your toe is getting better!
ReplyDeletexoxo