December fun time

SO! I have my surgery set for Jan 3rd. Can you believe this is happening? I can not. My doctor ordered me to put it in a box and put it away until that day. I completely 100% trust her and the decision has been made. But I must admit some conflicted feelings have come up. I feel like a hypocrite because I'm SO ANTI circumcision. Kay there's that and also, because I used to bad trip (on drugs) on the possibility of someone torturing me by paper cutting or nail clippering me "down there". Sometimes, not even stoned I would bug out about it. I know that sounds ridiculous and it's been years since I really even thought about it. But I swear, some friends who knew me back then wouldn't believe that I would do something like this. At the same time I am PROUD of myself for saying what I need and asking for help. My doctor pointed this out to me. She said, "You asked for help, and you NEED help and I want to help you". I WILL take before and after pictures.

I STILL haven't purged!! WOO HOO! I came super close once last week but I've told so many people in AA I just couldn't. I couldn't imagine telling all those people I "relapsed". They would be so understanding but that did help me to have strength. It's been over a month - close to 2. I haven't been on a scale in a week or so but I'm hovering around 140.

I'm also still 100% vegan--plant strong.. I eat VERY well and I think my hair is getting better. My skin is definitely better. I take vitamins--they say to take 4 per day, and I only take 1.

Speaking of AA, I just celebrated my 5th year clean and sober on Dec 1. I went to this really big meeting in Portland to get a coin. Its a "speaker meeting" so there are speakers who stand at the front and talk for 10 & 30 mins. Also, all the people who are getting coins must go to the podium, say their name and sobriety date. I said "my name is Jenn and I'm an alcoholic. December 1st, 2007." and everyone claps and I had lots of friends there so lots of "woot!!"'s Other than that, no one talks except for the speaker who talks for an hour. THEN I chaired my homegroup meeting the following tuesday. I sat at the front and I didn't really talk about my story because I was co-chairing with 2 other people. I just shared about step 6 "were entirely ready to have God remove all these defects of character". I shared that because I recently went on a beach retreat with some aa ladies and we worked on that step and it was AMAZing. It's a really important step.

well I'm sorry if any of this was boring :-) Love all you ladies and thanks for reading
xoxo

updates

Purging: I'm STILL purge free WOAH!!! let me look at the calendar, that's 25 days! I can't believe it. I think I'm done. I have had a couple of stress out episodes where I REALLY wanted to but I thought of my hair and skin and I just don't want to go back. It doesn't make me skinny. I HAVE gained a few pounds and I'm pissed about that but in order to loose weight by purging, I have to do it all the time and get malnourished and I still run into a wall with loosing, it's just not worth it. I have NOT been restricting. I've taken some good time to get nice and hydrated and healthy, I am feeling itchy to start to really count calories again and try to lessen my intake just a little bit. I've been eating 1500 - 2000 cals per day--TOTALLY vegan. Usually for breakfast I'll have a rice/quinoa bowl with kale, currants, zucchini, mushroom, lite coconut milk, curry paste, chia seeds. It packs a punch and I COULD go till dinner off of that one meal--this is the type of restricting I'm planning to do. Nothing drastic. Just not so much snacking.

Ladyparts:  I went in last week for a consultation and exam to plan for surgery. I held a mirror to look while she showed me what she could do. It got me excited and glad and I said I'd like to go ahead and schedule it. So she sent a request to the hospital and someone is supposed to call me to get that scheduled. If all goes right, it will happen in December. WOWWOWWOW

10 days

10 days Purge free!!??!! I'm doing it. I went on a weekend retreat with some AA Ladies (friends) 10 days ago and came clean about my ED. It was REALLY SUPER helpful. I made a commitment to my girlfriends and to myself. I've been having problems with my hair still and I KNOW it's from purging. Immediately, I put on 5 pounds. Like in the first 2 or 3 days. Then, it leveled out and started heading back down. I REALLY want to get back to 123 - 128 but at the moment I'm just focusing on not puking, and I feel good. I had 2 episodes where I felt too full and got panicky, but I just talked it out and waited a few min. Tonight was one of them. I layed on the couch and told my husband, and he said "just remember, it's good clean food to nourish you" And it was.

140 lbs. kinda pissed

I didn't throw up all week. Prolly 4 days in a row. I've been making structured dinners and keeping track so I can try to make meal plans. And I gained 5 lbs. I haven't been going to the gym, just once this week. I'm pretty disappointed with myself at the moment I must admit. I also must admit that I threw up tonight.

I AM so happy that I'm healthy in the lady parts. SO stinkin happy. I feel lucky, and blessed and excited that I may be getting my junk fixed soon. On the outside at least. I know I need to address my emotional hurts too. Who knows maybe I'll decide not to do it. I'm pretty scared too jeeze. I'm like an ACTIVIST about circumcision and here I am thinking about a little sniperoo for myself. UGH. this is NOT about it looking better. It's about pain and tearing and infections. I'll talk more about that later but trust me, its not about vanity.

I was having BIG FEELINGS a lot a couple weeks ago and lately it's chilled a bit. I have been keeping very busy so that helps.

Really fast update

My PAP results came back NEGATIVE that means GOOD!!!!! My Cervix is a smooth, plump, and juicy fruit of a Mother Earth Goddess tree. Just kidding. Not really.

Psycho person<----------------------

I'm such a WRECK today AGAIN. I woke up all spaztic and nervous. I had a bad dream right before waking and it just made me feel wrong. I came out to a tidy house and clean kitchen so that was rad (good husband) So I made a batch of granola bars, ate brekk and then we went to the gym. I kicked ASS finally! It was great: I went in the spin class room and had my own little session. listened to fun songs with good cadence and whenever I felt too tired, I got down and did a set of squats. I was sweating GOOD after 20 min. Then I went up and did a full ab routine and some legs. Then I swam 13 laps. It was a good workout. I felt fine after, no anxiety. Then when we got home I had some mail from my sis. It was a picture of me from when I was 10. A black & white, SO cute and artsy. But just looking at it breaks my little heart in two. I can't even tell my sister that. I'm so grateful she sent it. But DAMN it kills me....  I was never a little kid. I had shame and a secret and it's just so wrong. And I feel like I'm whining about this a lot lately and it's probably ruining for some of you.


I was on a trip during the summer to see my sister and her husband in Santa Barbara. They took this picture with a real camera using real film haha. They had a darkroom! And they developed it just like in photo class. VERY cool huh? I don't remember this day, or much of the trip at all actually. I mean, I have tiny blips of memory, and of course pictures to remind me. Then I went to go visit my Daddy in Washington. My parents were divorced when I was 5 and my mom remarried a new dad who already had kids. The bad big brother was one and he came to live with us when I was 8 and he was 15. So by the time I went on this trip, I was already ruined and major things were happening all the time. So I went to see my Daddy and one thing I DO remember about this trip was this: My Daddy had a girlfriend named Rose. She was a little weird but nice and very loving. One day, I got a full blown panic attack. I didn't know that's what it was though. Everything went black and I wanted to DIE. I knew, if I didn't tell Rose about my brother, I WOULD die. So I told her. I remember very specifically where we were sitting and everything. The weird thing is that my memory is totally out of body, like I'm watching myself from across the room. And now, thinking back on that, I just can't believe what happened next...... She told my Daddy right. She told him in private. Couple days later, he and I are driving in the car just the two of us. He goes "so Rose tells me that _______ has been trying some funny business with you" I say "ya" He says, "well the next time that happens you just tell him he better not do that any more".  End of conversation. I WILL concede, I dont think he quite got the extent of it.  But I look at that face in this picture, and if a little child told me anything about ANY FUNNY BUSINESS, I wouldn't just blow it off like that!!!! JEEZE FUCK!! I just can't wrap my head around it. He was SUPPOSED to call my mom and say "you want your daughter back? Kick those scumbags to the curb and I want a copy of the police report before you'll see her again" He was supposed to call her in front of me and say that. So I could #1be rescued and #2 I would KNOW I was worth a good God Damn!!!  I still don't know it. I still don't fucking know it!

I was shell shocked by this picture, but I hadn't had time to process that and THEN hubby and I got in a fight this eve and THAT shell shocked both of us. I really don't think my issue has anything to do with our fight. Well maybe it does. I thought it was because we JUST still to this day sometimes miscommunicate and he hears hostility from me when I'm just trying to ask him to do something. But Shit, you know come to think of it, this probably does have everything to do with my "issues". See here's what happened. Littlest man is sick, I was making dinner, Dad was relaxing. Littlest man whined for attention from dad and dad said "occupy yourself" I got all Mama Bear about it because I feel bad for my Littlest Man who is sick. Here's where my issues come in: I never want my kids to have the slightest inkling of dismissal from us. And when I hear what MIGHT be considered that I bug out. Then we start fighting about who does more around here and meanwhile, the kids are off doing whatever probably rolling their eyes at us.  Sometimes I am dismissive of them myself, but I KNOW the situation: maybe they've been demanding all day and I've given to their demands and nothing is ever good enough so finally I'm like SHOOOOOO!!! But of course it's ok for me to do it but not him......  Now husband is in bed and it was a weird "goodnight"

I hate this. I feel like I've "used up" all my sympathy points with him and he's just over it. Then at the same time I don't think he has the slightest idea of how an innocent nice picture can add up to such turmoil in my brain.

I need to fuckin snap out of it

I love you girls

I promised I would check RIGHT back in and I didn't. I'm sorry. I was a mess all week from that appointment. JUST A MESS. I had all this nervous energy so I swam in the morning. Real quick so's you all know I'm not ill: I weigh 138 and I'm 5' 5"  I was just this eve whining to husband about I'm SO FAT and my thighs are just ridiculous and I'm sore all the time. Yes I work out, but not even ONCE every day, let alone more than once or an inappropriate amount. I'll be honest. I WISH I had the discipline to "purge" by exercising. Like, oh I just ate a fat breakfast I'm gonna work out 6 hours today. Well, I don't wish for THAT but I just wish that I had the discipline to kick ass at the gym after a good brekk and I never do. Not lately anyway. I'm sluggish and not badass. ANYWAY that's a sidenote..... I went swimming to help with my nerves. Then I went to the appointment. I had the med director and she was just the most wonderful perfect person possible for me at that moment. She was WARM and loving and kind. I love her. I'm going to write her a letter. We talked about everything. She did a pap smear and while she was down there said yes I'm a good candidate for labiaplasty (yes it's really called that!) She said it's not seen as a 'cosmetic' surgery in the sense that I'm being vain. It causes me pain, tearing, infection, and it's a constant reminder. It's no different than a woman getting breast reduction because her back hurts.  She IS the med director and doesn't usually see patients but she decided on who I should see based on my particulars. This other doc has performed several labiaplasty's and she said she would talk to her about me one on one. Which makes me feel special. I was so worried about the pap smear, she said what's the worst thing that could happen. I said "you'll have to nail clipper off part of my cervix" (sorry)  she giggled a little and said "that is but a blip in your life compared to all the things you have overcome already and there is no reason to believe there is anything to worry about." OH and about the cyst: she was "unconcerned" about it. it is like 1.5 mm and totally "normal" these things come and go no big whoop. She said I can go back in for another ultrasound in a month or two.... so that's the update. I lost my shit in the eve. Bawled my guts out to my husband. Its sickening the things that we as women have to go thru. a metal clamp shoved up our ass (you know what I mean), my legs were vibrating in the stirrups STIRRUPS!!! JEEZE. I'm gonna do some positive visualization about my loving cervix that it will please God be healthy.

Thank you Lovies
xoxo

Skin is better just like that!!!

Snap my fingers, a month has passed, my skin is 100% better. I don't have a single "active" zit on my face. No lumps lurking deep beneath the surface, no chin/neck pain or sores.  I know that is graphic, but it has been MY NEMESIS!! I never did take that RX. And I didn't TOTALLY stop throwing up. "Only" once a day at the MOST sometimes I go completely without it but not much. OK so I HAVE to be accountable right! Jeeze kicking this puking thing is HARD. I rode my bike all over town yesterday, pulling my kiddo in a trailer. I shouldn't have "needed" to puke at all yesterday but I did, once late.... bluh. OK!! So today: I'm taking him out again, I'm going to go to the gym. I'll do some weights, and swim. And the bikeride counts too!  NO PUKING today and I promise I'll check in tomorrow. 

Update on money problems: I'm starting a new job on Monday the 24th. I'm a stay home mom, and I'm going to be babysitting for a girlfriend of mine. 3 full days a week, $600 a month!!! WOW. I have a strict policy against "daycare for friends" but this position evolved and came about. In fact, she asked me months ago but I declined at that time because I knew we were going to do a bunch of stuff this Summer and I just didn't feel like I could make that commitment. Plus, I just said no automatically. But I referred her to another girlfriend, who nannied for her all summer... Then when I had time to think about it, I started realizing this is exactly the type of thing I'm looking for. I want to work and make extra money, but I'm not ready to get some big deal office job and put MY kid in full time daycare. The Nanny girlfriend will be starting back at school soon and I'm going to take it from there. The baby is 7 months. I've known him since before he was born. His mama has babysat for ME for years (just here and there babysits, not daycare)... SO ya! it's just a plus all around. I can take him along on all the things we usually do. I'll be able to afford our zoo membership and I'm going to also get one for the science museum. I'll be out n about all the time with these kiddo's :-)

Update on medical issues: I had an ultrasound a few weeks ago--right after my post about TMI. I got all mental about getting that ultrasound, but I did it and it was good- I bonded with the tech, she was a sweet lady. I had to have the internal (dildo) one. She had that bad boy up my crotch for 30 min and I was like "SO! Read any good books lately??" haha.  She said she couldn't see anything but that a radiologist would look at the report.  Well I got a call a few days later from my doctors office saying I have a cyst on my ovary and I have to call a gyno ASAP. So I was brave and called. I told the receptionist that I am particularly skittish and traumatized and I want to talk about reconstruction too. and she put me with the medical director of that womens clinic to be MY gyno. SCORE!!! So keep your fingers crossed that the cyst is nothing major. I'm so paranoid, I can't even think about it. My appt is in 2 days :-( *scaredface*

Hair falling out. Have to make a change

So I have acne and my hair is falling out. Husband and I are on this whole vegan thing together. I am committed. I think eating meat is wrong, especially in the factory produced system we have. Even if it's not factory, I think the best health comes from a plant based diet. But hair falling out and bad skin is not a good outcome!!! And I know the truth is that I throw up and don't absorb any good nutrients. I mean this is all generally speaking. From when I posted last, I was eating SO LITTLE and then puking when I did eat, and whatever I ate wasn't some buttery juicy fat. It was like, kale salad. SO I KNOW the real reason my hair is falling and I have cystic acne RIGHT on my chin where my hand rubs and presses when I'm purging, is from the puking. So I confessed to husband again. He was confused because he SEES I don't buy bad foods and he just didn't get WHY I would do that if I'm not even eating anything bad. I tried explaining, Its just that full feeling that makes me panic and sometimes I can't stop eating tortilla chips (my guilty pleasure) so I feel like I have to purge and I say fuck it and eat every "good" food in my house. At LEAST I don't even buy naughty treats anymore. AT LEAST that. I got a RX for the acne and then decided not to take it. I know if I really eat right and KEEP it in, my skin will be the envy of all. Everyone still TELLS me I look great and my skin is super. I'm like, I KNOW I'm not fuckin imagining this shit. But I'm not taking that med, it goes against my whole reasonfor eating well and making my own everything (beauty products) lately. Its just not the best to take that I know. If I dont purge and I still have a problem, then we'll talk. After that confesssion, I didn't puke for 2 days, then I did for 2 days then I didn't for 2 days again, then I did tonight. So, I'm still working on it. I was puking 3 times a day, now like 3 times a week..... I also got Glycolic acid from Sephora again. that stuff worked to give me rad skin and HELLOOOOOO THE GYM??? I need to get back swimming that has always erased zits for me too.... ZITS!!?? I just turned 37 on Monday. wtf.

ok I have to go to bed.

love you girls

desperate to purge

yesterday mid-day I was 135ish. when I went to bed I was 137 blah. when I got up in the am today I was 133.8 I didn't eat all day till 4pm I had veggies n a lil hummus. Its my big sons birthday so we went out and he had pizza and a milkshake! haha!! I had that hummus deal, then came home and purged. THEN I went on the scale (obsessed much) and I was 134 fully dressed with jeans and shoes so I fuckin stripped. 132.6 aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh I was so ecstatic. THEN we went to Fro Yo and I had a little non dairy gluten free pineapple flavor with toasted coconut & little mochi balls. I needed to run a couple errands so I dropped all boys off at home and went out. It was 9pm and I was just so antsy to purge that froyo. I went to a special store JUST to buy apples cuz they are the only store with these certain apples. they have a nice bathroom, but it's not a one person it has stalls. so I totally figured no one would be in there. and no one was! wheew. So I get in there and of course someone walked in. perfect. I tried to fidget with my phone and wait for them to leave but it was obvs not happening so I was like WHATEVER THANKS ALOT!! in my inside voice. Now I was just DESPERATE to purge and I knew it was too late. I was so grossed out that I ate that and I'm sure it was a globby lump in my tummy. well I came home and ate a rice noodle ramen. purged that and got SOOOOO Swoozy and stoned just like the good old days. difference is: back then I would wuss out and eat spoon after spoon of honey, or chocolate. Just ravenous and no control. tonight I just drank a FULL glass of water and took my vitamins (RX meds, flax oil, adult chewable multi) and sat on the couch and just felt my feelings instead of trying to escape. Its a little unpleasant but I don't want to jeopardize that 132 something and starving all day just to hog out on chocolate.  well I don't even BUY myself chocolate anymore.... ALSO in the olden days I would eat  a LOT of ritz crackers and peanut butter every night after my purge. Now I eat an apple and MAYBE some peanut butter.


Its big son's birthday and thank God we got him a couple little things in advance because payday is sun and I had to just run up a credit card to take him out and about today. I didn't even get his "big" present yet and I feel like a looser mom. money things suck and stress me out. I wonder every day: should I go to school, or should i get a job..... ugh

hi girls TMI WARNING

Long time no see eh? I've been ok. Time to start blogging more. I have my other public one and I am so fake over there I HAVE to get my real talk out somewhere. I'm not really "fake" over there, just leave pretty much all my feelings or drama out.

So lets see. Today I'm in a daze because I got some confusing as shit test results back. A few months ago, I made seitan--AKA "wheat meat". it is a meat substitute, very high protien, made from wheat gluten. I had really bad stomach consequences and something just clicked: maybe I have gluten issues. Because I have stomach issues ALL the time every day. A HUGE bloated gassy tummy, hurting so bad, ruining my life, no gas ever coming OUT.  Just BOING BONG-ing around in my gullet .... I'm surprised I never thought of the gluten thing sooner. So that was the last week in April. I started right then to cut gluten out. For about 2 months (may & june) I was gluten free--but I was making a huge mistake. I was still having "issues" and I thought maybe it wasn't gluten at all that was the problem. I started cutting out other things around this time too. Cut dairy, and stopped taking laxatives (I'M OFF LAXATIVES!!!). Then I started REALLY scrutinizing labels and found out I wasn't gluten free all the way!!! Being vegan, I eat lots of stir fries, and I went to sushi lots.... Guess what is in soy sauce (and therefore every teriyaki sauce, stir fry sauce....) WHEAT. So I went 100% Gluten free starting around july 4th.  Add that to the no dairy, and the no laxatives, my tummy has never been happier. So I go get this blood work done to test for gluten antibodies. Celiac disease and just general gluten sensitivities. That was july 23-after 2 full months of gluten free, and about 3 weeks STRICTLY gluten free. Well guess what. The tests came back "normal"... I was so confused and spaced out over this all day. Then I read a whole bunch on the internet (duh) about false negatives. 3 top search results on google said you HAVE to be eating gluten when you get tested. If you think you have a problem and you WANT an official diagnosis, get the test BEFORE you try elimination diet experimenting. I talked to my husband and I talked to my sponsor and I feel better now. I know the deal, and I know what works for me and I'm sticking to it. I'm very frustrated with my doctor right now because I asked him SPECIFICALLY if I should be eating gluten before the test and he said no, it won't matter. I've been watching a million TED talks, and documentaries and I'm like OVER the whole medical industry. You know, I've been working with this same doctor for a few years now and he has never ONCE asked me what I eat/how I eat/if I exercise. I tell him sometimes, I'll say "I rode my bike here" or "I'm trying this gluten free experiment. He could give a flying fuck. I heard a statistic in one of these documentaries that doctors only get 2 hours of nutrition "training" in ALL of medical school. This one little fact makes me NUTS. JUST NUTS. I can't take it


***this is the TMI part***
anyway. what else. Ok want some more drama? SO I'm pretty sure I've mentioned before that I'm a sex abuse survivor. Well, another thing I talked to my doctor about is I have some disfigurement on my vagina. From that abuse. Its that my inner labia are TOO LONG. They tear!!!! they get torn right where it connects to the clitoral hood (TMI) and I'll get shooting pain all over the area, and it will get infected super easy. RUINS my sex life. I told him I'm ready to talk about options. So he was supposed to do a Pap smear that day, but he referred me to get in with a GYNO doc specialist. I need to call and make an appt that reminds me... anyway, this is HUGE. I have never even fully gone through this problem (the whole trauma not just my vag) in therapy. I've skimmed the surface but I always wuss out and loose my shit. I can never get all the way through it. So anyway, it would just be so crazy for me. To not have that pain, annoyance, and constant reminder. BUT we're talking about SURGERY on my tutu. Cutting, stitches..... ugh I just can't even think of it right now. I'm just going to take it step by step.

as far as ED goes, I've been doing the same as I have the last year. Puking once or twice a day, sometimes more. only now I never binge on taco bell or top ramen. I just puke my regular (pretty frikken healthy) meals WHEN/if I eat. Tonight, I rode my bike 10 miles and at the end, both my legs were cramped so bad and i know it's because I didn't eat enough all day before hand. But I'm still 135 pounds and I want to loose!

Today I ate:
Coffee with soy creamer (didn't puke)
Tortilla chips, probably in truth 2 servings (didn't puke)
Bikeride
Vegan (no tuna) salad and more chips (puked)
a giant apple, and some peanut butter (didn't puke) just right now....

so.....

ya. that.

I'm so fucked up. Not high or drunk. Just not doing great. Everything is OK on the outside. But  I'm still having a hard time and it's so frustrating. I don't want to come on here to say the same whiny things every 1 or 2 months. MONTHS?? months have gone by and nothings changed. My shoulder is still fucked and I'm turning over a new leaf every day. I haven't been to the gym in forever. My shoulder is worse and the only thing I can do at the gym is ride the lame-o stationary bike. I don't even do that. I still try every day tho I swear! at least I haven't been sick for a while and I went to the doctor yesterday finally about the shoulder. I got an exray today and the MRI is ordered and in prior authorization's hands now.

Today I did "juice till dinner" I had 2 green juices with parseley, spinach, lemon, celery, cucumber, golden delicious apple. I also made some carrot apple juices for the family. then for dinner I made (something else for the fam) myself some nori cones--"handroll" like these

I filled them with napa cabbage, cooked tillapia, radish sprouts and a tad of rice.
good right? Then (because it's wednesday), husband set up the room with nice music and dim lights, and came out to get me. I got so mad. Because I am in pain. I don't go to the gym, I don't feel sexy, I've gained 15 pounds since I met my goal. (I'm 138 now). All day I dread that he will want to. I made up the rule about sat & wed are the "do it" days. It worked perfectly! but nowaday's I dread wed & sat. I told my sponsor about the no sex drive a couple days ago. She said I MUST make an appt for the doctor cuz my shoulder is ruining my life. all night I avoid eye contact. Make discouraging comments like "don't get any ideas". he still got an idea. I slammed my phone down, stomped to the room, pulled my pants down, lay on the bed. He said "its ok if you don't want to" I said "NOW you say that??" tears, drama, no do it. bad wife. He even helped me clean up after dinner. I will make it up to him tomorrow. What an asshole. It won't kill me he wrote me the NICEST letter the other morning. Just SO nice I can't even paraphrase. Cuz I was depressed and tortured for easter and I didn't even know why--it was because easter and 4th of july are all about my mom for me and since she died I flail on these holidays unless I'm otherwise totally occupied. I didn't plan ahead or even remember that I might bug about my mom because my little son had dental work last week so i was already frazzled! see? so his letter was so nice about "sorry you had a hard time" and he also said he was sorry for we got in a little fight that morning. He said he's learning to understand about HIMSELF that he still, years later, holds a grudge against me for all I put him thru with my drinking--the first 10  years of our marriage, I was drunk. He was constantly "dealing" with the consequences of that. So he has some resentments DUH! I totally get it and it was just SO sweet that HE is finally getting it and putting his finger on what drives some of our senseless bickering (when it happens. It's really not all the time and it has gotten 100% better over the last 4 years.  So he tries to be better and I need to make loving love to him and show some dang appreciation.

So now, after writing this, I figured all that out, but before I got to this writing I ate almost a whole box of cinnamon toast crunch, a tube of ritz and peanut butter and yakked it, along with my beautiful nori. I shouldn't even have that garbage in the house in the first place......

Reboot

I've been depressed lately. Then I got sick, and that was more depressing. I only went that one day of my last post not puking. Yesterday I threw up so hard that it gave me bad heart palpitations, and my neck was wider than my face. It was gross and scary :-(

I didn't make any resolutions for new years.
I've still been my flaky self, no gym, eating like a freak, puking every day 3 times.

One of my worst struggles is getting up in the morning, i HATE IT. HATE. but today, I pushed through like every day and then I just felt better and better all morning. Like I knew I was better from my sickness and I felt excited about life which is such a relief! I made a bunch of notes for how to make my own soap, how to make those aromatherapy/thermal wrap things you heat in the micro for soothing, and how to do my own custom "reboot". I keep hearing all about this concept and especially during the new year resolution time. First i have to beat the purging demon and quit HOGGING out on candy. So the first few days of my reboot is, no candy except 2 squares of chocolate at night, and NO purging. Then next few days after that is eat vegetarian, no purging, only one square of chocolate, no dairy, raw if possible. Then I'm gonna do a juice fast for 3 days. OMG I'm scared of that already.

AND I DID my plan for today!!! I have been shaking for candy all day and I'm starving and I can't even stand it, but I did it *proud*.....  here's what I ate:
Coffee(loaded) (100)
Kale smoothie (kale, banana, pineapple, walnuts, almond milk, cinnamon) (300)
handful of almonds for snack (160) UGH
salmon wrapped in collard greens (SUPER good recipe leftovers from the other night) (180)
hummus with veggies (250)
noodles & Co SMALL bangkok curry (only 230 cal)
popcorn (100)
herb tea with almond milk (40)

I AM on Livestrong and tracking my calories, and they traumatize me but for the first few days of this I have to not stress about that or I'll restrict so much that i'll end up binging. please note the cals for bangok curry because it seems like it would be high but it's really low I researched it last year when I was a weightloss badass and its a really good choice for going out. However, I was still half starved after. This will regulate pretty quick though if I remember right. Basically, what I'm doing, is ALL the tricks I did before to loose weight. Only difference is, I'm doing them all in one week, where before, it took me 2 or three months to figure out all the right things to do for me. Plus, I'm not puking ;-)

I don't remember if I said anything about this last year when I did my juice cleanse, but: I have this girlfriend who told me (during the cleanse) that if I lost any more weight i'd look too skinmy, unhealthy even.  SO SUCH a coincidence when this same friend came over TODAY in the middle of all my big planning to do another cleanse, tells me "I mean this as a compliment, I can tell that you've put on weight and I really think you look good, I was getting worried there for a while" It WAS really sweet, but SO WEIRD right??  AND I weigh 138 which is what I weighed when I started that cleanse last year, and at my skinniest (apparently worrisome) weight I was 122. and that was only for a SECOND. really I was around 128 most of last summer. I don't know. I guess I'm nitpicking, but I don't think so. I was NOOOOT too skinny and if I get down to 118 I still won't be too skinny. If I got down to 113 someone MIGHT argue that I probably shouldn't go lower. but 128??? not even close to TOO anything. It was ALMOST perfect.

quick check in

Thanks Babes for reading. I wanted to check in. I've been totally wussing out on the gym because of my stupid hurting shoulder even though ya, I could do a lot without moving my arm, but I was being lazy too. Today I went swimming and I just fuckin pushed through the pain. It really did hurt super bad the first 20 laps, but then it eased up and I swam a mile. (32 laps) and after all that, it feels better tonight than it has in a month. I can't believe it. I'm going to go again tomorrow. don't push it ya ya bla bla I know, But I REALLY shouldn't have (If I listened to any sense at all) done what I did today and that turned out better over all.... jeeze I hope I don't jinx myself.

Then I came home and had a Kale + blueberries + banana + almond milk + cinnamon smoothie. Then a salad for a late lunch, then won ton soup (home made) with yummy bok choy. I didn't throw up today!?!? wow huh. now I'm having just a COUPLE ritx n peanut butter with my tea. I know, i'm addicted.

juice fast soon.

I'm having a hard time

WOW it's been over a month since I've posted here. I split my blog into 2 and this is the "secret" one. The other one, I've only been putting stupid food posts--recipe's, that's not SO stupid but I'm not getting any feelings about anything out and that sucks.

I think I'm maybe depressed or something. I feel like I'm barely treading water. Like, the house isn't a pig sty and I DO get out of the house with the kids and everything. but I just feel pretty bummed out and like I don't CARE to do anything. I don't know what the answer is. But I am getting a lot of self help books lately, mostly books about juicing or "living well by montel williams" stuff like that.  I need to make a big change in the lifestyle department. I got a beautiful book about RAW cooking--well food prep really. I want to do a "reboot"--juice for a week or so, surrounded by weeks of raw only eating (before and after). I think I need about 5 new kitchen gadgets though. I need a better juicer, a dehydrator, and a NICE mandolin slicer. Eating well like that can get expensive but I think I can manage to keep it reasonable if I have all the proper gadgetry.  I guess I could start with at least the juicing, I HAVE a juicer already, and try to get some raw eating incorporated that doesn't REQUIRE that fancy stuff....  Start slow...

 I've been still throwing up 2 or 3 times a day and (gross) I'm like a fuckin PRO at it now which is not cool or cute I know. I can just bend over and it comes RIGHT out like I'm simply exhaling. I do still gag to "make sure" I get out as much as I can. But then OF COURSE I have no self control because as you know-purging CAUSES me to binge uncontrollably on peanut butter and ritz crackers every night. so even if I puke out everything all day, I hork on 1000 fat calories at night and then GO TO BED and absorb all that. So I'm still hovering at around 135, although I don't REALLY know because I haven't gone to the gym in 2 fat fucking weeks.

I gotta go.....

love you girls