I'm so bad

shEEZE I haven't posted for a week.

SO the other day I made Mediterranean Delights

It was deeeelish. Purged of course.

then ok, I wanted to share one other pic. I put it on a facebok funny group a friend made about butts

THE BEST PART is my arm--my right arm, look at that lovely line! AH! what a delightful surprise.

I got down to 122.25 the other day. but been STUCK at 124 for days and we leave in 2 days for cali and the wedding is this coming sunday in one week. I want to be 120 for that day so badly you guys. I went to the gym and kicked ass today, I'm going again tomorrow and the next day and when we go to CA I'll be able to work out one way or another every day. I have to drive for 12 hours straight so one day is gonna be ruined. But then next day we're going to the Academy of Sciences in Golden Gate Park so that's tons of walking. then the next three days we're staying in a swanky hotel that has a pool and workout fancy room. Hotel Sofitel I'm gonna work out every day there too. It's SO HARD to drive for a thousand hours with kids in the car and everyone sleeping or whining and not eating crap the whole time. I don't know what I'm gonna do. I'm going to roll out of the car a bloated beluga whale. OK: I'm gonna get a BIT of beef jerkey, some of those super crunchy rice snack thingys and that's IT for salty snacks. I'll get some good strawberries and oranges. and for sweets, I'll have jolly ranchers. AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHhhh

catch up

I should have written a couple of posts this weekend. There was plenty to talk about. But when I had time to post, I was busy b/ping....

FIRST OKAY we went to this big ole family fun place called Johns Incredible something or other. Its like this big pizza buffet, salad bar, pasta, dessert, the whole 9. and there's an arcade with games and rides and a bonanza of fun. I hogged out and visited the ladies room and then played games and we stayed for 2 hours it was dark out when we left. THEN when we got home, I visited the restroom at home cuz we had dessert in the meantime and I had LOTS of dessert. Usually my husband goes to bed a couple of hours before me, but I went to bed with him because we had plans to go to the farmers market early. Getting ready for bed, he closes the door (unusual) and goes "I've got something to ask you and I hope you tell me the truth" AAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!! scared the living Christ out of me. :-( He goes "You ate a lot at dinner. Then you spent a long time in the bathroom" and I was all "YOU guys went to the bathroom too" and he goes "then you ate a lot at dessert and then you went to the bathroom when we got home" OH Meanwhile, I was looking around frantic because I lost my wedding ring. And it's not just any ring--it's my great grandmothers ring and my mom wore it and I always coveted it and it's MINE now and I LoVe it.....
So ya, I lost it earlier that day and was beside myself already trying to find it. So he's asking me that and I was all "don't ask me hard questions when I'm already upset." and he goes "well I just want you to know, thats not cool" and I was all "gross like I would do that, in a public bathroom. But I'm not saying I never have or I never would cuz I would but that's so gross" and I was all scattered and he let it drop.

I had bad dreams like I was busted. I dreamed I got raped with a GUN by a russian man. (nice)

we went to the gym and I asked if they found my ring. no luck. 2 annoying things happened at the farmers market. It was the day of bad luck. I met with my (AA) sponsor and I was THIS CLOSE to telling her about the ED stuff. I was THIS close too, to telling husband..... But I didn't. When/if I purge and he's home, I'm prepared to tell him "YOU'RE NOT THE BATHROOM MONITOR" but he hasn't acted weird since... the talk with my sponsor was good. I told her about how all these really annoying things keep happening like the world is against me and I REALLY hate all that "woe is me" the world is against me bull honk. I know it's not, but when THIS many annoying things happen: 2 people have road rage against me, I have to ask for my money back from farmer market guy, loose my ring, etc etc all day every day for a week, I have to wonder if it's something I'M doing wrong. right? So I run the whole situation by her and we talk about it for a while and it's like, I have some unresolved trauma from my childhood. I know my ED is my drug of choice for stuffing it lately. Plus just HAVING the secret of the ED--it's just all about, I'm not honoring myself and I'm trying to stuff feelings bla bla. I'm not ready to deal yet. and I HAVE dealt with it all before. Could never get all the way through therapy on it. I start loosing my marbles and I mean wtf is the point if it makes me worse crazy to "deal" with it. AND it keeps coming back even when I'm completely ok years later I'll have like, a relapse or SOMETHING.... anyway.

We went to the tanning salon so I could ask about my ring they didnt' have it. I went to bed AGAIN without it. I prayed to my mom to bring it back to me. I decided I needed to get over it because it was making me cry and not be able to function.

Sunday was fathers day. I made pancakes, eggs, sausage, fruit, jello, oj, coffee.... I purged breakfast. We got ready for the gym kinda late. on our way out the door, guess what: I FOUND MY RING!! it was RIGHT where I thought I took it off. when I looked there 100 times I wasn't seeing it. Impossible

We went out for lunch to Red Robin (classy) Instead of a 2000 calorie plate, I only had a ONE thousand calorie plate and hurried home to purge that. Had to take a "break to read" in the bathroom he thought I had diarrhea (which I did cuz I took laxatives the night before too). Interesting to plan the order of the laxative/oral purge in one bathroom visit.......

swim time

SO I said I was only gonna swim 20 laps today cuz I was so sore last night no kidding. But I felt ok, so I swam a mile--that's 32 laps and took me 35 min. That used to take me 40 minutes or more I'm a rockstar. And get this: There were SO many HOTTIES (guys) in the pool! 1 on each side, then 2 on each side it was awesome. Then the cutest most perfect body hottie got out and went on MY Side of the pool and layed out and did abs for a full 20 min. I got caught checking him out!! haha! the BEST part is, I'm checking this guy out and then remembering I have someone just as hot (but hotter even) who BELONGS to me and thinks I'M hot. it's rad right!

Then I took my kiddos to the park for a picnic--I packed before the gym just like a perfect mom. It was really nice out.

Gym Time

This week started Crunch TIME for our trip to CA in 2 weeks. I'm tanning a lot and back to the gym hardcore. I was kind of slacking. Still going but not to any hard classes and just doing my routine which makes me THINK I'm working out, but my bod is used to it or SOMETHING. This week has gone like this:
sat: I took spin (she did a michael jackson set and it was fun)
Sun: day off
Mon: I took spin it was hard! sheeze it was a sub and she was hard and I didn't like the music. first song was "highway to the danger zone" and that song is OKAY in certain situations, or when youre really pumped in a spin class. But the rest of the songs were all grunge/angst and just sucked
tues: I did my "own thing" bike for 10 on a hard level then a million back/arm weights
wed: BodyPump, haven't gone in a couple months it was hard and I was SORE today
Thurs: Spin class even though I was still sore and it was hard and I'm REALLY sore now. the music was GOOD. techno with a good cadence.
Fri: (tomorrow) I'm gonna swim 20 laps that's it I'm sore
sat: spin again

Spin is like sex and I LOVE it. I zone out and just feel the music and imagine screwing and I know that's cheezy but it's very motivating for me. I get so sweaty and feel sexy.

I'm planning to go every day till our trip, I have to get as hard as possible. my muscles are RAD I can't believe how nicely I'm turning out. :-) I'm saggy in a couple spots and if I bend over a certain way my boobs are NOT NICE. I showed husband and told him that I want a boob job. But I AM willing to consider it and wait till age 40. HE'S never even seen that boob bend position and when I stand normal they look pretty good. I'll put pics at some point kay sheeze.

I purged dinner tonight and got that low blood sugar attack. I went to tan directly after and I had to go to the restaurant next door to get juice cuz I knew it was happening. ick

About Sex Life

Sex in my marriage has had it's ups and downs. We've been married 13 years and lately, well the last couple of years, it's been like newlyweds and it just keeps getting better. I quit drinking 3 years ago and that was an adjustment.

We had a go around with porn. I thought that if I brought that into the bedroom I would be the best and coolest wife ever. But I got weird about it. I wanted husband to watch porn, but then I would spy on his internet use and OBSESS about what he watched and when. I spent a LOT of time agonizing over all of it when it really had no place in our home. Also, I got so self conscious about my body. Like beyond normal. It was sick. It creates expectations based in UNreality. Super unhealthy. Now we have our own porn: we have mirrored sliding closet doors. it's A-MAZ-ING. We look so good and it's REAL, and I'm feeling it when I'm seeing it.

Ok, so aside from that little porn hiccup in our sex life, we had another issue that needed dealing with: schedule. Before, we didn't have one. I never knew what to expect and when it didn't happen I would be crushed even if I didn't really WANT to in the first place. It got me thinking of all the "why doesn't he want to" BS. Blend that with the whole porn element and JEESE I was playing with fire. We made a schedule of Wed & Sat are "date night". YES adjustments can be made. But if an adjustment is made, we talk about it. There's no guessing. Sometimes I feel like I honestly could take it or leave it, but I'm ALWAYS 100% of the time glad I do it anyway.

I'm so glad to be fit and sexy now. Self confidence plays a HUGE part in horniness. See, I told you--it just keeps getting better and we're both in shape and hot for each other. It's a dream :-)

Fun Pictures

Every single one of these dresses is so cute and I need all of them. But I'm getting the first one for the occasion I went shopping for. The BEST part is: These are all SMALL sizes from the JUNIOR department at Macy's!! Can you believe that?? AHH!