ugh

I'm hungry! today I've eaten:

Breakfast 95
~coffee
~1/2 apple

snack 33
~graham cracker

lunch 320
~Green Tea Jamba Macha

snack 140
~trader joes corn puffs

dinner 250
~soup
~cornbread

snack 145
~graham cracker
~toast
egg whites


total 990
with my workout that makes me only NET 250ish which IS my goal, but I am still tripping that it's too much. I'm just so fuckin starving. I THINK I've lost 1.5 pounds since last week. Is that enough for this torture?? NO but I think I should give any torture at least two weeks before I try to tweek it. I can do it. I can FOR SURE DO IT, cuz I AM doing it and I'm not going to die--I'm going to be skinny and lengthy and flexible!!!

DAMMIT!!!!

Periods suck. Period

so, after the bookstore on my birthday, we came home before I was ready but M didn't feel good. So yesterday we did the NW downtown thing like a normal sat. First we went to the mall and I got a free build a bear (really the boys are playing with it). Then we went downtown and I got a free Noodle's and Co bowl. And this was cool: I was leaning toward Pad Thai, but then I looked at the nutritional info and the pad Thai was 700 cals, but the Bankok curry was only 490! So, I went with the curry and it was more delish anyway. Then we went to Brother's for a little bday cake, which I had a little piece of. I did FINE all weekend--stayed under 1200 and I worked out. But then today, I had my period SO bad! It was worse than I remember it being before I took the pill. It took me till aound 7pm till I wasn't woozy anymore. I couldn't drive it was that bad. UHG. lemme do my livestrong to at least estimate what I did all day.......

ok, so I did ok. We got donuts tonight! but even if I didn't puke mine, I'm still under so..... I didn't work out. And I know purging doesn't work best, but I'm not trying to digest that crap.

the big three five

I didn't eat krispy kremes or any of that super naughty stuff. But I did eat a lil bowl of special K and then a couple bites of C's chocolate rice crispy's --250 cals maybe? So then I did a 30 min yoga last night to kind of make up for it. I haven't done yoga in almost a year and I was actually sweating even though it's a pretty mellow routine! sheeze-

Today is my birthday I'm THIRTY FIVE BLUH. I'm going to the gym in a little bit. I'm having a dry crumpet for breakfast with coffee. we're getting a babysitter and going to see Eat Pray Love, and then going to a fancy italian dinner. REALLY FANCY like $30 a plate. I'm going to be really good all day. After that I think we'll come get the kids and go to dessert.

I'll update this post after the gym if my weight's changed... ;->

~ SO, dinner was ok, the movie was OK. Then we went to gelato (!) for dessert, and the bookstore for fun. Gelato didn't even totally ruin my day because I was SOOOOOO good all before dinner and everything. I didn't go over my 1200 absolute limit AND I worked out 700 cals.... And I lost .5 lb. I don't know if that's exactly noteworthy, but .5 a day is 3.5 a week -still totally healthy right?

so motivated

Today I went to H gym again and I was 174.5. I lost a pound in one day! RAD! I only had a nectarine and coffee for breakfast so I was so weak at the gym and starving. I wanted to just give up after 30 min. But then as I was swimming, I realized I can break 170 by the middle of next week if I kick ass, so I kept at it for 50 min.

Today I've had a nectarine, coffee, and a lean cuisine. Tonight is Mexican chicken. I calculated dinner as 500 cals, so I can try to leave a few bites so I am under that....

I still like restricting better than purging. There's just too much guessing and doubt with purging. Though, I would like to eat about 5 twix bars right now. I've never been one to craaaave sweets so bad, I usually crave pizza or salty foods. But something about dieting must do this to me. I want: Krispy kreme donuts, twix bars, kit kat bars, chocolate cake, MILK, a box of reeses peanut butter cereal.....

I knew it.

It was that fuckin scale at the M gym that was sabotaging me. Today @ H- 175.5!!!!!! and my home scale is 172.5. I've always gone by the hall gym scale it has less of a margin of error than the M gym....

Today, I've had special k, grapefruit juice, and coffee for breakfast. Lunch was a lean cuisine (170 cal!) tonight is ribs and corn and texas toast. Only I'm going to have a crumpet and only 2 ribs, my total for dinner should be 500. maybe I can just eat one rib....

BFF came over today and had a big drama talk with me. I told her the other day a LITTLE about pro-ana websites. I didn't want her to bust me so I barely told her. So get this. She took that as me suggesting SHE'S anorexic. And she said she was hurt that I said a while back that she might have to get surgery to remove the extra skin on her tummy. Well I also said ya maybe it's fat and lets go on each others livestrong to have a little healthy motivation for each other. I don't really know what, in the end, will solve her tummy dilemma. So I'm always wishy washy about it as a sign to her that I'M OK with whatever she wants to do. I told her not to listen to advice from me so strictly and that I'm too self centered to be worried about what I think she needs to be doing. She's a little self centered too if she thought I was saying she's anorexic. HA! we're all self centered. and that's ok too.

k for dinner I had 430 cals. Total today is 875, and I went to the gym and burned 700 something (swimming mostly). I'm pretty bummed that honey is 60 cals per Tbsp. that's worse than white sugar and it's supposed to be better but I don't want to put myself over a line just for honey in my little sleepytime tea.

Restricted

Restricting is WAAAAAAAAAAAAAY better than purging! Which I'm so pleased to discover because it also works better too. Purging makes me feel retarded, restricting makes me feel light and high. I haven't REALLY lost any weight since last week-still 178 I'm very disappointed to report. I was so pissed that it made me swim harder and feel more determined to eat less and no naughty treats! When I'm weak and "can't" control my appetite, and eat the same dinner as the family, I'm really being a BIG BABY and thinking I should be able to and I eat it and say "so there". RIDICULOUS! haha well I'm glad I learned that lesson pretty early on. I got some pickles, chicken broth, skim milk, pop, special K. Today I've had 1 small banana for breakfast with loaded coffee (going to use skim from now on), a sm nectarine, special K with skim. And I did my legs (weights) and swam for 45 min.

..... it's dinner now. I just fed my family chicken delux quesadillas. I'm eating a stalk of celery. I'm starving, and this fuckin celery actually tastes good to me haha!

my point is: these tricks WORK! I ate pickles and a diet dr pepper for lunch and that's at MOST 10 cals!!! HAHAHAAAAAAAAAA! I'm stoked.

I might have to go to red robin after the meeting--if we go, I'll try to have tea, but if I'm gonna get tortured by everyone elses chili cheese dip, I'll have a garden salad with the dressing on the side. I'll check in after.

YOU CAN TO THIS BITCH!


...... ok so we went to Red Robin and I was SOOOOOOOOOOOO hungry! So I ordered a cobb salad, and cut it up and mixed it all together and then put half of it in a box to go home. Then, I but the littlest bit of ranch I could live with and I ate that and a COUPLE fries. total cals 450-ish... I did put the rest in the fridge, but I might throw it out in the morning cuz that's nasty, I'm not gonna want to eat a blobby salad. total intake for today=935 I burned 750 at the gym.... that's pretty darn good I THINK...

chuggin along

today my intake was 976 (1000)I haven't been to the gym in like 4 days! gross, I'm going tomorrow. M gym- and I'm gonna do some heavy weights and then swim...

I threw up twice today. The first time was lunch. I need to only just MAKE the amount of lunch I'm ok with keeping because if I make more, I'll eat more. I need to REALLY really try to restrict more. I feel so much better than if I loose control and have to purge. throwing up just makes me feel so stoned or retarded or something. that happened especially bad with dinner because I didn't drink enough while eating and it was hard to get back up....
bluh

I DID do my ab routine on the floor once today.

SO, tomorrow's a new day. I'm honestly going to be depressed if I have gained weight, or not lost AT ALL. I was 178 the last I checked at the gym.....

whomp

Today, I did good, I nibbled when we went to the farmer market. Only had a cracker and one salami for lunch. Dinner was burgers- I ate a spring mix first, then my burger which I gave back until I saw greens. Gross? Well, It came back SOOOO easy again so..... And I just really can't see how only 30 - 50% of purged food comes back up. I mean, MAYBE if you were binging for hours and the food on top of food pushed some down too far to be purged? I don't know. I puked that whole burger I'm sure of it... Anyway, then I just had a little sandwich and an aranciata, and I'm gonna have one of those jello mousse's for 60 cals.... and still I should be under 1200 for the day. I counted 25% of my burger. I just CANT count more than that.....

HUH! I'm eating this Jello Mousse deal and it's pretty good! usually "sugar free" actually tastes like nasty chemicals. I can't taste artificial sweetener at all. Texture is a bit plasticky, but I can handle that.

The other thing about today is that I got the whomp super bad. Like the worst I can remember maybe since I quit drinking.... I took one quick trim, and a couple hours later I got my power pops in the mail and tried that--that was actually after purging my dinner. I don't know what food or combination gave me this super bad painful gas that is STUCK in my chest practically.


zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

I can do it!

I ate abt 1300 calories today. I did my stomach exercises and others-legs, back, butt. just a bit on the floor a couple of different times. I can suck in my gut like I haven't been able to in I dont know how long. I feel less bloated, lighter. I LOVE IT. I have a stomach ache a lot, but it's worth it. I know 1300 is still a lot and I have to get it down even more. But I also know I CAN. I ate a stupid pastry for breakfast--250 cals plus 100 for loaded coffee. which is all a waste I normally don't do.

I have to go to bed, we're going to the farmers market in the morning. It's hard to count cals on the weekend.... hmmmm

I want to start keeping lists of things to do and structure my day better. I need help with this, I think I'll ask R--no kidding.

no sleep

I went to bed at 1:30 last night and S got up at 6:30 :( Of course I tried to snooze on the couch but that's not real sleep. This is gonna be a tough day. I think I should "eat normal"... It's HARD to restrict and I just don't know if I have the strength.... I'll try to follow my live strong counter, we'll see how I do.

note to self

Kay going to the store was just too hard. I had to eat when I got home and so I had to throw up which I'm kind of growing to hate. when I do that, I still count 20% of the calories as intake. I still stayed under 1100 for the day so that's cool

so

So today, I ate ONE chicken burrito from taco bell because I was starving--I didn't eat for too long and couldn't control myself when I went to get the kids something. I would have eaten 3 of them but I knew I wouldn't be able to purge cuz we were out, so I just had one and actually digested it :) those are 300 cals. then I had a bowl of total for dinner. then I was serving the fam their dinner and it was beef stroganoff! I had to mow down a bowl of that, but I purged it so I'm only gonna count 25% of the cals

right now I'm at 650 cals for the day which is good. And I guess this is probably not the best but I'm going grocery shopping now and it's 10pm. and I'm taking C. It's really hot the last couple days and I dont' want to go in the heat torture with S to three stores tomorrow. So I'm gonna get the big one done tonight, and i had to wait till everyone ELSE is asleep. that's why so late.

If I eat anything else tonight, I'll purge it....

OH! and I got the quick trim box today so I'm back on that cleanse which I LOVE.

on fire

So yesterday was ok. I worked out HARD (so I'm sore today) and I still only ate less than 1200 cals. Then I went to bed and I was cold and I couldn't sleep. So, I got up for a nibble and I ate probably 200 cals and went to bed. Which is no good I guess BUT whatcha goona do. HAha I'm watching Lorraine Bracco on the View. Fuggettabowdit

I was hungry all day though. It's hard.

I ordered some Power Pops. BFF came over yesterday and was glum about her weight. She lost SOOOO much weight and only weighs 115 or less. But she still has a bit of tummy and I wanted to tell her about ProAna Thinspiration and about my blog. But I just cant. I'm afraid she'll go nutso and hurt herself. Plus she'll bust me. well maybe I'll tell her later. She looks great though! It's amazing and an inspiration in itself.

I'm not going to the gym but I'll do my ab routines.

rad

I can't believe it, but I went to bed hungry last night and I fell asleep! I did it! yaaaaaay!

I feel like saying a little bit more about why I hate my body. I can't paint my toenails. I have a hard time using tampons. I can't see my vagina. I can't groom my bikini area. I have to LIFT my stomach sometimes GROSS!

ok, I'll check in later to give my counts.

Thank God

Thank God I'm not like some other girls I've read about: I CAN make myself throw up.

I went to Red Robin with my group after the meeting and I was SO GOOD. I just had a mint tea. But when I got home, C's leftover dinner was sitting on the counter and I just was gonna have one bite, but of course I wolfed it up and washed it down with whole milk. So, well, I visited the ladies room after.....

Then I cleaned the whole kitchen and swept and mopped and then came in the living room and did another ab routine. 100 crunches + a couple other things.... It feels GOOD to be NOT FULL. I can suck in my stomach and I'm still fat but I'm not bloaty and roundy inside. I'm NOT meant to be this way! I obsess about it way too much--like nonstop constantly. I know other girls just as big or bigger and I don't think they're fat pigs, but it's just not ME. I'm meant to be lengthy and flexible. I'm so miserable like this its a WONDER I haven't taken drastic measures sooner!

What the fuck?? I've been keeping this inside me for YEARS. I mean, I tell M I hate it but I try to down play it because I don't' want him to worry about me at all. I did mention tonight that I'm going on a diet and a hard one too. He said not to go too hard because then I'll get burned out and give up. I will NOT give up. This is the END of fat for me.

According to the Livestrong website I use to track my intakes and workouts, in order to loose 3 pounds a week I should eat 1200 calories a day. It takes into account my regular activity, but when I work out, I can supposedly eat that many more calories. Today I had 1100 Calories AND I worked out. Amazing. This day is a success.

I NEVER go to bed hungry so that's the scary thing right now. I don't know if I can do it. SO worst case, I'll warm up a cup of 1% milk if I can't sleep.....

ProAna

Ok, so I'm not kidding I am over being fat. A few days ago, I started throwing up any time I "over eat". Also, I would over eat on purpose knowing I was gonna make myself throw up. This is known as binging and purging. For instance, if its lunchtime, I'll eat TWO chicken burritos instead of one and purge my whole lunch... I've also been taking laxatives every day, just at night before bed. This weekend was C and nephews' birthdays and we went to embassy suites. I ate whatever and like, if I know I'm gonna throw up, I wait to eat anything so I eat all at once so I only have to throw up once. I have been doing that 3 times every single day. Last night M folks were here and we went to Red Robin for C's birthday. I ate a chicken Caprese sandwich, fries, and some ice cream sundae and some of C's milkshake. Then I visited the ladies room and purged. I was SO quiet! It's HARD to be quiet but this time was easy because I was sooo full.

Last night I started looking up anorexia websites because, well, I honestly wanted some tips. I thought they would all be recovery ones but I might still find something. Well, I found a LOT, much more than I thought was out there. There's a whole sub-culture of PRO anorexia support!

Today is my first day of restricting. I'm not anorexic, I'm just dieting. That's the truth because I still eat, I don't want my metabolism to stop, I'm still OVERWEIGHT. And I LIKE a very slender body. I WANT to be skinny, like i was just after high school. Sure I was partying a LOT and using drugs, but I'm seriously going to TRY to get like that again without drugs. I guess my plan is to restrict as much as possible and then if I have a weak moment, I can purge. The main blog I read last night, the girl can't make herself throw up so when she binges, she'll go on a juice fast for days and/or do a saltwater flush. Luckily, I CAN throw up. I honestly can't wait to do the saltwater flush. I'm afraid it will make me sick though so I don't know when I can do it.

Today for breakfast I had coffee, and 2 bites of S's cereal (215 cal tops) lunch I had HALF a sandwich and some blueberries and vitamin water(400) and I'm gonna have a mid afternoon snack of yogurt and a clementine. And for dinner I'm making a pasta bake with cheese and sausage so I'm gonna have to maybe barf that one. THAT's the worst hard part: feeding my boys and ALSO loosing weight. It's practically impossible. OK I'm gonna TRYYYYY to only eat ONE CUP of that bake and I'll put it on a small plate and eat really slow. And I'll take an alli.

I was 186 when I started back at the gym TWO months ago. In all that time I've only lost 8 pounds--I weighed in today at 178. that makes me happy but it's WEAK. Fuck that. I want to loose NO LESS than 3 pounds a week until I'm not kidding :125

It feels so good to say all this out loud if even only to myself.

HAHA, I need to clean my camera