Really fast update

My PAP results came back NEGATIVE that means GOOD!!!!! My Cervix is a smooth, plump, and juicy fruit of a Mother Earth Goddess tree. Just kidding. Not really.

Psycho person<----------------------

I'm such a WRECK today AGAIN. I woke up all spaztic and nervous. I had a bad dream right before waking and it just made me feel wrong. I came out to a tidy house and clean kitchen so that was rad (good husband) So I made a batch of granola bars, ate brekk and then we went to the gym. I kicked ASS finally! It was great: I went in the spin class room and had my own little session. listened to fun songs with good cadence and whenever I felt too tired, I got down and did a set of squats. I was sweating GOOD after 20 min. Then I went up and did a full ab routine and some legs. Then I swam 13 laps. It was a good workout. I felt fine after, no anxiety. Then when we got home I had some mail from my sis. It was a picture of me from when I was 10. A black & white, SO cute and artsy. But just looking at it breaks my little heart in two. I can't even tell my sister that. I'm so grateful she sent it. But DAMN it kills me....  I was never a little kid. I had shame and a secret and it's just so wrong. And I feel like I'm whining about this a lot lately and it's probably ruining for some of you.


I was on a trip during the summer to see my sister and her husband in Santa Barbara. They took this picture with a real camera using real film haha. They had a darkroom! And they developed it just like in photo class. VERY cool huh? I don't remember this day, or much of the trip at all actually. I mean, I have tiny blips of memory, and of course pictures to remind me. Then I went to go visit my Daddy in Washington. My parents were divorced when I was 5 and my mom remarried a new dad who already had kids. The bad big brother was one and he came to live with us when I was 8 and he was 15. So by the time I went on this trip, I was already ruined and major things were happening all the time. So I went to see my Daddy and one thing I DO remember about this trip was this: My Daddy had a girlfriend named Rose. She was a little weird but nice and very loving. One day, I got a full blown panic attack. I didn't know that's what it was though. Everything went black and I wanted to DIE. I knew, if I didn't tell Rose about my brother, I WOULD die. So I told her. I remember very specifically where we were sitting and everything. The weird thing is that my memory is totally out of body, like I'm watching myself from across the room. And now, thinking back on that, I just can't believe what happened next...... She told my Daddy right. She told him in private. Couple days later, he and I are driving in the car just the two of us. He goes "so Rose tells me that _______ has been trying some funny business with you" I say "ya" He says, "well the next time that happens you just tell him he better not do that any more".  End of conversation. I WILL concede, I dont think he quite got the extent of it.  But I look at that face in this picture, and if a little child told me anything about ANY FUNNY BUSINESS, I wouldn't just blow it off like that!!!! JEEZE FUCK!! I just can't wrap my head around it. He was SUPPOSED to call my mom and say "you want your daughter back? Kick those scumbags to the curb and I want a copy of the police report before you'll see her again" He was supposed to call her in front of me and say that. So I could #1be rescued and #2 I would KNOW I was worth a good God Damn!!!  I still don't know it. I still don't fucking know it!

I was shell shocked by this picture, but I hadn't had time to process that and THEN hubby and I got in a fight this eve and THAT shell shocked both of us. I really don't think my issue has anything to do with our fight. Well maybe it does. I thought it was because we JUST still to this day sometimes miscommunicate and he hears hostility from me when I'm just trying to ask him to do something. But Shit, you know come to think of it, this probably does have everything to do with my "issues". See here's what happened. Littlest man is sick, I was making dinner, Dad was relaxing. Littlest man whined for attention from dad and dad said "occupy yourself" I got all Mama Bear about it because I feel bad for my Littlest Man who is sick. Here's where my issues come in: I never want my kids to have the slightest inkling of dismissal from us. And when I hear what MIGHT be considered that I bug out. Then we start fighting about who does more around here and meanwhile, the kids are off doing whatever probably rolling their eyes at us.  Sometimes I am dismissive of them myself, but I KNOW the situation: maybe they've been demanding all day and I've given to their demands and nothing is ever good enough so finally I'm like SHOOOOOO!!! But of course it's ok for me to do it but not him......  Now husband is in bed and it was a weird "goodnight"

I hate this. I feel like I've "used up" all my sympathy points with him and he's just over it. Then at the same time I don't think he has the slightest idea of how an innocent nice picture can add up to such turmoil in my brain.

I need to fuckin snap out of it

I love you girls

I promised I would check RIGHT back in and I didn't. I'm sorry. I was a mess all week from that appointment. JUST A MESS. I had all this nervous energy so I swam in the morning. Real quick so's you all know I'm not ill: I weigh 138 and I'm 5' 5"  I was just this eve whining to husband about I'm SO FAT and my thighs are just ridiculous and I'm sore all the time. Yes I work out, but not even ONCE every day, let alone more than once or an inappropriate amount. I'll be honest. I WISH I had the discipline to "purge" by exercising. Like, oh I just ate a fat breakfast I'm gonna work out 6 hours today. Well, I don't wish for THAT but I just wish that I had the discipline to kick ass at the gym after a good brekk and I never do. Not lately anyway. I'm sluggish and not badass. ANYWAY that's a sidenote..... I went swimming to help with my nerves. Then I went to the appointment. I had the med director and she was just the most wonderful perfect person possible for me at that moment. She was WARM and loving and kind. I love her. I'm going to write her a letter. We talked about everything. She did a pap smear and while she was down there said yes I'm a good candidate for labiaplasty (yes it's really called that!) She said it's not seen as a 'cosmetic' surgery in the sense that I'm being vain. It causes me pain, tearing, infection, and it's a constant reminder. It's no different than a woman getting breast reduction because her back hurts.  She IS the med director and doesn't usually see patients but she decided on who I should see based on my particulars. This other doc has performed several labiaplasty's and she said she would talk to her about me one on one. Which makes me feel special. I was so worried about the pap smear, she said what's the worst thing that could happen. I said "you'll have to nail clipper off part of my cervix" (sorry)  she giggled a little and said "that is but a blip in your life compared to all the things you have overcome already and there is no reason to believe there is anything to worry about." OH and about the cyst: she was "unconcerned" about it. it is like 1.5 mm and totally "normal" these things come and go no big whoop. She said I can go back in for another ultrasound in a month or two.... so that's the update. I lost my shit in the eve. Bawled my guts out to my husband. Its sickening the things that we as women have to go thru. a metal clamp shoved up our ass (you know what I mean), my legs were vibrating in the stirrups STIRRUPS!!! JEEZE. I'm gonna do some positive visualization about my loving cervix that it will please God be healthy.

Thank you Lovies
xoxo

Skin is better just like that!!!

Snap my fingers, a month has passed, my skin is 100% better. I don't have a single "active" zit on my face. No lumps lurking deep beneath the surface, no chin/neck pain or sores.  I know that is graphic, but it has been MY NEMESIS!! I never did take that RX. And I didn't TOTALLY stop throwing up. "Only" once a day at the MOST sometimes I go completely without it but not much. OK so I HAVE to be accountable right! Jeeze kicking this puking thing is HARD. I rode my bike all over town yesterday, pulling my kiddo in a trailer. I shouldn't have "needed" to puke at all yesterday but I did, once late.... bluh. OK!! So today: I'm taking him out again, I'm going to go to the gym. I'll do some weights, and swim. And the bikeride counts too!  NO PUKING today and I promise I'll check in tomorrow. 

Update on money problems: I'm starting a new job on Monday the 24th. I'm a stay home mom, and I'm going to be babysitting for a girlfriend of mine. 3 full days a week, $600 a month!!! WOW. I have a strict policy against "daycare for friends" but this position evolved and came about. In fact, she asked me months ago but I declined at that time because I knew we were going to do a bunch of stuff this Summer and I just didn't feel like I could make that commitment. Plus, I just said no automatically. But I referred her to another girlfriend, who nannied for her all summer... Then when I had time to think about it, I started realizing this is exactly the type of thing I'm looking for. I want to work and make extra money, but I'm not ready to get some big deal office job and put MY kid in full time daycare. The Nanny girlfriend will be starting back at school soon and I'm going to take it from there. The baby is 7 months. I've known him since before he was born. His mama has babysat for ME for years (just here and there babysits, not daycare)... SO ya! it's just a plus all around. I can take him along on all the things we usually do. I'll be able to afford our zoo membership and I'm going to also get one for the science museum. I'll be out n about all the time with these kiddo's :-)

Update on medical issues: I had an ultrasound a few weeks ago--right after my post about TMI. I got all mental about getting that ultrasound, but I did it and it was good- I bonded with the tech, she was a sweet lady. I had to have the internal (dildo) one. She had that bad boy up my crotch for 30 min and I was like "SO! Read any good books lately??" haha.  She said she couldn't see anything but that a radiologist would look at the report.  Well I got a call a few days later from my doctors office saying I have a cyst on my ovary and I have to call a gyno ASAP. So I was brave and called. I told the receptionist that I am particularly skittish and traumatized and I want to talk about reconstruction too. and she put me with the medical director of that womens clinic to be MY gyno. SCORE!!! So keep your fingers crossed that the cyst is nothing major. I'm so paranoid, I can't even think about it. My appt is in 2 days :-( *scaredface*