Plus there's the one at the gym. I'm 165 -.- Better than 170 though!! I didn't gain "ALL" the weight back that I lost. Just 2/3 UGH.
Big son (12) joined the gym with me so we go 3 times a week. Started last week and I love it. We'll be ass kickers by Christmas.
I went and bought some clothes that FIT. I hate that they're size fat (14) but, not squishing out everywhere makes me feel skinnier. Which makes me stand straighter and firm up my tummy and its just better all around.
I also got a Shine activity tracker. I LOVE IT. I can wear it for laps and spin class and it counts that. Totally water PROOF like it can go thru the wash and spin cycle and not die. Let me know if you have one and you want to be pals.
Sunday, September 7, 2014
Thursday, August 7, 2014
A YEAR
HOLY FUCK it's been a whole year.
I knew it had been a while since I've written and I feel compelled to write every day but I never do :-( i'm almost 39.... Still struggle with bulimia. Today I'm like "fuck it" you know? it has been like that for a few weeks. I was doing good. I started therapy--she specializes with addiction, eating disorders, and sexual trauma. And that is right up my alley. Well she suggested meds, and I had some success with Welbutrin in the past, so I started that again about 1.5 months ago. And thought that would be a good time to set my intention NOT to throw up anymore. And it was going well for about 2 weeks. Not really "well" though. I still felt FAT and bloated and uncomfortable and horrified with myself. But I wasn't throwing up. But then we went out of town twice and things were hectic and I just fell back into it as a stress reliever. I have been trying to get more exercise but bottom line is I'm just NOT OK with how big I've gotten. I know the bulimia doesn't help me loose weight and all that but I CAN'T eat normally and then not puke after. I'm just so stuck....
Anyway... I'm still at the same job--I'm there now in fact haha. The other day I worked all day (Boss was on vaca), and I left to get food TWICE that I purged after...... some days I'm out of control like that. But the last week-ish, it's more like, I'm really good all day. I take my supplements, eat a Kind bar & banana for brekk, then just nibble something little for lunch if anything. Then the evening starts and I usually purge my dinner no matter what it is--but it's usually something kind of junky because I know I'm going to puke anyway so I dont' make the best choice... and then usually I'll have a little b/p session after everyone's in bed. Just like the olden days.
We are still vegetarian. Not vegan though. I have kicked the idea around lately of going back to vegan--except at the temple. Might try that. My kiddo (just turned 12) wants to join the gym with me. That's another thing: I haven't been to the gym in MONTHS. probably a year has gone by and I don't even know it... my scale battery died and I never got a new one though the scale is still sitting there in my bathroom collecting dust..... but I'm very sure I'm knocking on the door of 170. I can't fucking believe it. The last time I lost a gazillion pounds I wasn't even vegetarian, let alone worried about chemicals.... I don't even know where to start with my diet. I like Happy Herbivore--and I TRUST that her mealplans work.
For now, i'm going to honestly write here because that helped me before. I know what some of you are going to say (SM) and I love you for it and I hope we are still friends but that is one thing that has been holding me back from writing. Fear of getting "busted" I know I should be busted but at the same time, I NEED TO loose this weight and I'm fucking gonna anyway.
A friend of mine just lost A HUNDRED pounds! I'm so goddamn proud of her. She didn't even start exercising yet. She has another 80 to go and she really couldn't exercise because of injury issues but shes gonna start soon and The next 80 is just going to fall off! fun to watch.
I'm BACK BITCHES!!!!
I knew it had been a while since I've written and I feel compelled to write every day but I never do :-( i'm almost 39.... Still struggle with bulimia. Today I'm like "fuck it" you know? it has been like that for a few weeks. I was doing good. I started therapy--she specializes with addiction, eating disorders, and sexual trauma. And that is right up my alley. Well she suggested meds, and I had some success with Welbutrin in the past, so I started that again about 1.5 months ago. And thought that would be a good time to set my intention NOT to throw up anymore. And it was going well for about 2 weeks. Not really "well" though. I still felt FAT and bloated and uncomfortable and horrified with myself. But I wasn't throwing up. But then we went out of town twice and things were hectic and I just fell back into it as a stress reliever. I have been trying to get more exercise but bottom line is I'm just NOT OK with how big I've gotten. I know the bulimia doesn't help me loose weight and all that but I CAN'T eat normally and then not puke after. I'm just so stuck....
Anyway... I'm still at the same job--I'm there now in fact haha. The other day I worked all day (Boss was on vaca), and I left to get food TWICE that I purged after...... some days I'm out of control like that. But the last week-ish, it's more like, I'm really good all day. I take my supplements, eat a Kind bar & banana for brekk, then just nibble something little for lunch if anything. Then the evening starts and I usually purge my dinner no matter what it is--but it's usually something kind of junky because I know I'm going to puke anyway so I dont' make the best choice... and then usually I'll have a little b/p session after everyone's in bed. Just like the olden days.
We are still vegetarian. Not vegan though. I have kicked the idea around lately of going back to vegan--except at the temple. Might try that. My kiddo (just turned 12) wants to join the gym with me. That's another thing: I haven't been to the gym in MONTHS. probably a year has gone by and I don't even know it... my scale battery died and I never got a new one though the scale is still sitting there in my bathroom collecting dust..... but I'm very sure I'm knocking on the door of 170. I can't fucking believe it. The last time I lost a gazillion pounds I wasn't even vegetarian, let alone worried about chemicals.... I don't even know where to start with my diet. I like Happy Herbivore--and I TRUST that her mealplans work.
For now, i'm going to honestly write here because that helped me before. I know what some of you are going to say (SM) and I love you for it and I hope we are still friends but that is one thing that has been holding me back from writing. Fear of getting "busted" I know I should be busted but at the same time, I NEED TO loose this weight and I'm fucking gonna anyway.
A friend of mine just lost A HUNDRED pounds! I'm so goddamn proud of her. She didn't even start exercising yet. She has another 80 to go and she really couldn't exercise because of injury issues but shes gonna start soon and The next 80 is just going to fall off! fun to watch.
I'm BACK BITCHES!!!!
Wednesday, August 14, 2013
thirty eight
I turned 38 yesterday. WOAH
My kids are in ID visiting their grandparents. So hubby and I are spending a lot of time together talking and just enjoying. I confessed to him a few days ago that I had gone back to purging in around January--after my surgery. He was surprised. I'm REALLY glad I told him. I haven't purged now for like 4 or 5 days. I'm eating so clean. We tried a restaurant called Native Foods. It is a chain I guess but it's really good! I had a sesame Kale Macro Bowl: tad brown rice, a HUGE mound of gently warmed kale with a tad of sauerkraut on top, served with tempeh. OMG so good. We're going again tomorrow night and I can't wait.
I'm at work again. OK so heres the deal with that: I used to work at this place way back in '06. At that time, I had no work ethic and I was very deep into my disease of alcoholism. I would call in sick at least once a week. I was hungover and fat and constantly having panic attacks. I was also using cocaine kind of a lot. UGH!!! Eventually I quit and refused to come in to help train anyone new or even tell the owner about what files I had on my desk. I haven't worked in an office since then. Well, about a year into my sobriety, I came back and apologized. Its called "making an amends". I told him that I was so sorry I wasn't a good employee and that it wasn't anything he did. fast forward to about June '13. He emails me that he's going out of town and needs someone to cover and be the office manager. He went on that vacation and I worked full time for 2 weeks. $15 an hour! I do payroll, filing, cust service, receive $$. The BEST thing is payroll: I REMEMBER not being capable of processing payroll. The panics it would give me! We do everything in house--no service, and there's only 11 employees but I COULD NOT do it before... writing a deposit slip? No way! my handwriting was too shaky. I'm working full time this week again as he went out of town again. But usually, when he's here, I only work 2 days a week for 5 hours. My regular duties can be completed in that time. So it's some good money in my pocket and I get the best of both worlds--I'm still MOSTLY home for my kids. I'm very grateful to have this job just LAND in my lap. I was starting to think about going back to work when my kiddo starts kindy and he is. it's all happening!
My kids are in ID visiting their grandparents. So hubby and I are spending a lot of time together talking and just enjoying. I confessed to him a few days ago that I had gone back to purging in around January--after my surgery. He was surprised. I'm REALLY glad I told him. I haven't purged now for like 4 or 5 days. I'm eating so clean. We tried a restaurant called Native Foods. It is a chain I guess but it's really good! I had a sesame Kale Macro Bowl: tad brown rice, a HUGE mound of gently warmed kale with a tad of sauerkraut on top, served with tempeh. OMG so good. We're going again tomorrow night and I can't wait.
I'm at work again. OK so heres the deal with that: I used to work at this place way back in '06. At that time, I had no work ethic and I was very deep into my disease of alcoholism. I would call in sick at least once a week. I was hungover and fat and constantly having panic attacks. I was also using cocaine kind of a lot. UGH!!! Eventually I quit and refused to come in to help train anyone new or even tell the owner about what files I had on my desk. I haven't worked in an office since then. Well, about a year into my sobriety, I came back and apologized. Its called "making an amends". I told him that I was so sorry I wasn't a good employee and that it wasn't anything he did. fast forward to about June '13. He emails me that he's going out of town and needs someone to cover and be the office manager. He went on that vacation and I worked full time for 2 weeks. $15 an hour! I do payroll, filing, cust service, receive $$. The BEST thing is payroll: I REMEMBER not being capable of processing payroll. The panics it would give me! We do everything in house--no service, and there's only 11 employees but I COULD NOT do it before... writing a deposit slip? No way! my handwriting was too shaky. I'm working full time this week again as he went out of town again. But usually, when he's here, I only work 2 days a week for 5 hours. My regular duties can be completed in that time. So it's some good money in my pocket and I get the best of both worlds--I'm still MOSTLY home for my kids. I'm very grateful to have this job just LAND in my lap. I was starting to think about going back to work when my kiddo starts kindy and he is. it's all happening!
Saturday, July 13, 2013
SEVEN Months later
Jeeze what the fuck!? I cant believe it's been so long since my last post.... Ugh where to begin.
Everything with my surgery healed up great. The most big deal thing that has happened this year is that we've joined a Krishna Temple. Its called ISKCON International Society of Krishna Consciousness. Hubby and I have been on a spiritual quest--to find our right spiritual path, the whole time we've been married. Even before. He read the Mahabarta in the 90's and we've been exposed to the Bhagavad Gita and other Krishna books over the years. It just never stuck before because we weren't living a lifestyle conducive to the practice. There's no judgment or pressure, but there are some regulative principals that we just couldn't follow before so we just never even went too deep. Then, with me in AA, getting in touch with my Higher Power, and hour whole family adopting a plant based diet, we realized that we were already living close to a Vaishnava lifestyle. So hubby started itching to go to the temple again and he took the kids when I was recouping from surgery. He said it was wonderful and I went with him very soon after that. I had a very cynical attitude towards it, because I was just in this funky place with my spirituality. I had been reading a lot of Richard Dawkins and other atheist authors and bloggers. I was getting super bitter about how religion has infiltrated our country's politics and POLICIES. I was seeking out information to disprove Christian fundamentals. Like how the earth is only 6000 years old, no evolution etc... When we went in to that Temple, I promised myself I would reserve judgement until I gave it a real chance, but I fully expected to internally think "this is BS" or "Ya but, science bla bla". But so far, I have YET to come across something that conflicts with my scientific sensibilities. The vedas contain information that is only NOW being confirmed by science, it jives with quantum mechanics. There's a multiverse, reincarnation, karma, a culture I'm attracted to to the CORE. I love it
Theres more to catch up on. but I have to work! I'm AT work right now. I'll tell about that next I promise.
Food matters: I am deep in bulimia as ever. It kind of rules my life I HATE IT I HATE IT I HATE IT! I am in an endless cycle. I barely work out--I don't go to the gym, I plan on it of course but I just haven't got a routine back since last summer! I have been doing lots of little at home exercises like squats, lunges (a hundred a day), push ups, little abs, leg lifts. That sort of thing. But I weigh 143 and I have been stuck there for MONTHS. Purging does NOT help you loose weight. But I still do it. Every time I feel "full". if I start eating, I can't stop, so I feel full every time I eat and its just a matter of time till I eat again. I eat very clean and VEAN for crying out loud. what do I do??
Love you girls <3
Everything with my surgery healed up great. The most big deal thing that has happened this year is that we've joined a Krishna Temple. Its called ISKCON International Society of Krishna Consciousness. Hubby and I have been on a spiritual quest--to find our right spiritual path, the whole time we've been married. Even before. He read the Mahabarta in the 90's and we've been exposed to the Bhagavad Gita and other Krishna books over the years. It just never stuck before because we weren't living a lifestyle conducive to the practice. There's no judgment or pressure, but there are some regulative principals that we just couldn't follow before so we just never even went too deep. Then, with me in AA, getting in touch with my Higher Power, and hour whole family adopting a plant based diet, we realized that we were already living close to a Vaishnava lifestyle. So hubby started itching to go to the temple again and he took the kids when I was recouping from surgery. He said it was wonderful and I went with him very soon after that. I had a very cynical attitude towards it, because I was just in this funky place with my spirituality. I had been reading a lot of Richard Dawkins and other atheist authors and bloggers. I was getting super bitter about how religion has infiltrated our country's politics and POLICIES. I was seeking out information to disprove Christian fundamentals. Like how the earth is only 6000 years old, no evolution etc... When we went in to that Temple, I promised myself I would reserve judgement until I gave it a real chance, but I fully expected to internally think "this is BS" or "Ya but, science bla bla". But so far, I have YET to come across something that conflicts with my scientific sensibilities. The vedas contain information that is only NOW being confirmed by science, it jives with quantum mechanics. There's a multiverse, reincarnation, karma, a culture I'm attracted to to the CORE. I love it
Theres more to catch up on. but I have to work! I'm AT work right now. I'll tell about that next I promise.
Food matters: I am deep in bulimia as ever. It kind of rules my life I HATE IT I HATE IT I HATE IT! I am in an endless cycle. I barely work out--I don't go to the gym, I plan on it of course but I just haven't got a routine back since last summer! I have been doing lots of little at home exercises like squats, lunges (a hundred a day), push ups, little abs, leg lifts. That sort of thing. But I weigh 143 and I have been stuck there for MONTHS. Purging does NOT help you loose weight. But I still do it. Every time I feel "full". if I start eating, I can't stop, so I feel full every time I eat and its just a matter of time till I eat again. I eat very clean and VEAN for crying out loud. what do I do??
Love you girls <3
Friday, January 4, 2013
stitches WHERE? TMI post
Wow I did it! BiLateral Labiaplasty! It hurts really bad! But I'll live. OK so heres how it went:
First of all, from the minute it was scheduled I was afraid I would get a panic attack. My dr told me that if I was having trouble sleeping or functioning she'd perscribe something to help (valium). But I really wanted to try to be brave and not use drugs, just wait till surgery day to worry about it. Well the day before surg I went in for a pre appt where they did an EKG and drew blood and went over everything. Well THAT got me all panicky feeling. So I called the dr for something JUST for that one day. I felt like I was whimping out but I'M SO glad I did it. I asked for everyone to give me good vibes and help me be brave. I have always been THE BIGGEST baby about shots and drs appointments and I was SO brave and I'm just so proud that I trusted the drs to take good care of me and they did. The anesthesiologist called me the night before and went over everything. I had taken that valium by then and I was honest with her about my alcoholism just so she'd know my chemical history. My sponsor told me to do that and I didn't mind but the anesthesiologist didn't seem to care. She was very kind though. So then when I checked in in the morning, they got me all situated in a special gown: Its made of paper (very soft paper) and it has a hook up for a warm air blower to blow it up like a warm balloon and kept me so cozy! Then the nurse said the anesthesiologist had ordered me a valium if I wanted, I said yes please! then they drew more blood and got my IV started. Then we waited around for about an hour. Once it was time to go back, the dr and team (another nurse and the anesthesiologist) came in and met my husband and he left. 2pm ish. They gave me a nice (REALLY NICE) something in my IV to help me be SO relaxed I wasn't scared in the slightest. She said she was going to give me the go to sleep medicine and that was it. next thing I know I'm in the first recovery, where they woke me up and fed me ice chips and got me DOPED up on dilaudid. I didnt know what that was but it erased any pain. my pain at that point was just a stinging feeling. But I was numb too. I guess they didn't want me to feel ANY pain. Then I was able to go back to the "short stay" area where my husband could come back. It was 5pm! That dilaudid made me SUPER nauseous and they gave me something in my IV for that and it worked. Then a bit later they gave me a little dose of fentanyl which did NOT make me sick and TOTALLY erased the pain. But that wore off in about 20 min and it hurt like fuck. I'm having a hard time staying ahead of my pain. When I got home last night after 8 I passed out on the couch for a while, then my husband made me some fries and went to bed. I almost puked. SO many drugs all day, totally caught up with me. I have stitches all the way up both inner labia. I took before pictures and once it heals, I'll take afters...
I need a nap. zzzzzzzzzz
First of all, from the minute it was scheduled I was afraid I would get a panic attack. My dr told me that if I was having trouble sleeping or functioning she'd perscribe something to help (valium). But I really wanted to try to be brave and not use drugs, just wait till surgery day to worry about it. Well the day before surg I went in for a pre appt where they did an EKG and drew blood and went over everything. Well THAT got me all panicky feeling. So I called the dr for something JUST for that one day. I felt like I was whimping out but I'M SO glad I did it. I asked for everyone to give me good vibes and help me be brave. I have always been THE BIGGEST baby about shots and drs appointments and I was SO brave and I'm just so proud that I trusted the drs to take good care of me and they did. The anesthesiologist called me the night before and went over everything. I had taken that valium by then and I was honest with her about my alcoholism just so she'd know my chemical history. My sponsor told me to do that and I didn't mind but the anesthesiologist didn't seem to care. She was very kind though. So then when I checked in in the morning, they got me all situated in a special gown: Its made of paper (very soft paper) and it has a hook up for a warm air blower to blow it up like a warm balloon and kept me so cozy! Then the nurse said the anesthesiologist had ordered me a valium if I wanted, I said yes please! then they drew more blood and got my IV started. Then we waited around for about an hour. Once it was time to go back, the dr and team (another nurse and the anesthesiologist) came in and met my husband and he left. 2pm ish. They gave me a nice (REALLY NICE) something in my IV to help me be SO relaxed I wasn't scared in the slightest. She said she was going to give me the go to sleep medicine and that was it. next thing I know I'm in the first recovery, where they woke me up and fed me ice chips and got me DOPED up on dilaudid. I didnt know what that was but it erased any pain. my pain at that point was just a stinging feeling. But I was numb too. I guess they didn't want me to feel ANY pain. Then I was able to go back to the "short stay" area where my husband could come back. It was 5pm! That dilaudid made me SUPER nauseous and they gave me something in my IV for that and it worked. Then a bit later they gave me a little dose of fentanyl which did NOT make me sick and TOTALLY erased the pain. But that wore off in about 20 min and it hurt like fuck. I'm having a hard time staying ahead of my pain. When I got home last night after 8 I passed out on the couch for a while, then my husband made me some fries and went to bed. I almost puked. SO many drugs all day, totally caught up with me. I have stitches all the way up both inner labia. I took before pictures and once it heals, I'll take afters...
I need a nap. zzzzzzzzzz
Wednesday, December 12, 2012
December fun time
SO! I have my surgery set for Jan 3rd. Can you believe this is happening? I can not. My doctor ordered me to put it in a box and put it away until that day. I completely 100% trust her and the decision has been made. But I must admit some conflicted feelings have come up. I feel like a hypocrite because I'm SO ANTI circumcision. Kay there's that and also, because I used to bad trip (on drugs) on the possibility of someone torturing me by paper cutting or nail clippering me "down there". Sometimes, not even stoned I would bug out about it. I know that sounds ridiculous and it's been years since I really even thought about it. But I swear, some friends who knew me back then wouldn't believe that I would do something like this. At the same time I am PROUD of myself for saying what I need and asking for help. My doctor pointed this out to me. She said, "You asked for help, and you NEED help and I want to help you". I WILL take before and after pictures.
I STILL haven't purged!! WOO HOO! I came super close once last week but I've told so many people in AA I just couldn't. I couldn't imagine telling all those people I "relapsed". They would be so understanding but that did help me to have strength. It's been over a month - close to 2. I haven't been on a scale in a week or so but I'm hovering around 140.
I'm also still 100% vegan--plant strong.. I eat VERY well and I think my hair is getting better. My skin is definitely better. I take vitamins--they say to take 4 per day, and I only take 1.
Speaking of AA, I just celebrated my 5th year clean and sober on Dec 1. I went to this really big meeting in Portland to get a coin. Its a "speaker meeting" so there are speakers who stand at the front and talk for 10 & 30 mins. Also, all the people who are getting coins must go to the podium, say their name and sobriety date. I said "my name is Jenn and I'm an alcoholic. December 1st, 2007." and everyone claps and I had lots of friends there so lots of "woot!!"'s Other than that, no one talks except for the speaker who talks for an hour. THEN I chaired my homegroup meeting the following tuesday. I sat at the front and I didn't really talk about my story because I was co-chairing with 2 other people. I just shared about step 6 "were entirely ready to have God remove all these defects of character". I shared that because I recently went on a beach retreat with some aa ladies and we worked on that step and it was AMAZing. It's a really important step.
well I'm sorry if any of this was boring :-) Love all you ladies and thanks for reading
xoxo
I STILL haven't purged!! WOO HOO! I came super close once last week but I've told so many people in AA I just couldn't. I couldn't imagine telling all those people I "relapsed". They would be so understanding but that did help me to have strength. It's been over a month - close to 2. I haven't been on a scale in a week or so but I'm hovering around 140.
I'm also still 100% vegan--plant strong.. I eat VERY well and I think my hair is getting better. My skin is definitely better. I take vitamins--they say to take 4 per day, and I only take 1.
Speaking of AA, I just celebrated my 5th year clean and sober on Dec 1. I went to this really big meeting in Portland to get a coin. Its a "speaker meeting" so there are speakers who stand at the front and talk for 10 & 30 mins. Also, all the people who are getting coins must go to the podium, say their name and sobriety date. I said "my name is Jenn and I'm an alcoholic. December 1st, 2007." and everyone claps and I had lots of friends there so lots of "woot!!"'s Other than that, no one talks except for the speaker who talks for an hour. THEN I chaired my homegroup meeting the following tuesday. I sat at the front and I didn't really talk about my story because I was co-chairing with 2 other people. I just shared about step 6 "were entirely ready to have God remove all these defects of character". I shared that because I recently went on a beach retreat with some aa ladies and we worked on that step and it was AMAZing. It's a really important step.
well I'm sorry if any of this was boring :-) Love all you ladies and thanks for reading
xoxo
Tuesday, November 13, 2012
updates
Purging: I'm STILL purge free WOAH!!! let me look at the calendar, that's 25 days! I can't believe it. I think I'm done. I have had a couple of stress out episodes where I REALLY wanted to but I thought of my hair and skin and I just don't want to go back. It doesn't make me skinny. I HAVE gained a few pounds and I'm pissed about that but in order to loose weight by purging, I have to do it all the time and get malnourished and I still run into a wall with loosing, it's just not worth it. I have NOT been restricting. I've taken some good time to get nice and hydrated and healthy, I am feeling itchy to start to really count calories again and try to lessen my intake just a little bit. I've been eating 1500 - 2000 cals per day--TOTALLY vegan. Usually for breakfast I'll have a rice/quinoa bowl with kale, currants, zucchini, mushroom, lite coconut milk, curry paste, chia seeds. It packs a punch and I COULD go till dinner off of that one meal--this is the type of restricting I'm planning to do. Nothing drastic. Just not so much snacking.
Ladyparts: I went in last week for a consultation and exam to plan for surgery. I held a mirror to look while she showed me what she could do. It got me excited and glad and I said I'd like to go ahead and schedule it. So she sent a request to the hospital and someone is supposed to call me to get that scheduled. If all goes right, it will happen in December. WOWWOWWOW
Ladyparts: I went in last week for a consultation and exam to plan for surgery. I held a mirror to look while she showed me what she could do. It got me excited and glad and I said I'd like to go ahead and schedule it. So she sent a request to the hospital and someone is supposed to call me to get that scheduled. If all goes right, it will happen in December. WOWWOWWOW
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