I'm so fucked up. Not high or drunk. Just not doing great. Everything is OK on the outside. But I'm still having a hard time and it's so frustrating. I don't want to come on here to say the same whiny things every 1 or 2 months. MONTHS?? months have gone by and nothings changed. My shoulder is still fucked and I'm turning over a new leaf every day. I haven't been to the gym in forever. My shoulder is worse and the only thing I can do at the gym is ride the lame-o stationary bike. I don't even do that. I still try every day tho I swear! at least I haven't been sick for a while and I went to the doctor yesterday finally about the shoulder. I got an exray today and the MRI is ordered and in prior authorization's hands now.
Today I did "juice till dinner" I had 2 green juices with parseley, spinach, lemon, celery, cucumber, golden delicious apple. I also made some carrot apple juices for the family. then for dinner I made (something else for the fam) myself some nori cones--"handroll" like these
good right? Then (because it's wednesday), husband set up the room with nice music and dim lights, and came out to get me. I got so mad. Because I am in pain. I don't go to the gym, I don't feel sexy, I've gained 15 pounds since I met my goal. (I'm 138 now). All day I dread that he will want to. I made up the rule about sat & wed are the "do it" days. It worked perfectly! but nowaday's I dread wed & sat. I told my sponsor about the no sex drive a couple days ago. She said I MUST make an appt for the doctor cuz my shoulder is ruining my life. all night I avoid eye contact. Make discouraging comments like "don't get any ideas". he still got an idea. I slammed my phone down, stomped to the room, pulled my pants down, lay on the bed. He said "its ok if you don't want to" I said "NOW you say that??" tears, drama, no do it. bad wife. He even helped me clean up after dinner. I will make it up to him tomorrow. What an asshole. It won't kill me he wrote me the NICEST letter the other morning. Just SO nice I can't even paraphrase. Cuz I was depressed and tortured for easter and I didn't even know why--it was because easter and 4th of july are all about my mom for me and since she died I flail on these holidays unless I'm otherwise totally occupied. I didn't plan ahead or even remember that I might bug about my mom because my little son had dental work last week so i was already frazzled! see? so his letter was so nice about "sorry you had a hard time" and he also said he was sorry for we got in a little fight that morning. He said he's learning to understand about HIMSELF that he still, years later, holds a grudge against me for all I put him thru with my drinking--the first 10 years of our marriage, I was drunk. He was constantly "dealing" with the consequences of that. So he has some resentments DUH! I totally get it and it was just SO sweet that HE is finally getting it and putting his finger on what drives some of our senseless bickering (when it happens. It's really not all the time and it has gotten 100% better over the last 4 years. So he tries to be better and I need to make loving love to him and show some dang appreciation.
So now, after writing this, I figured all that out, but before I got to this writing I ate almost a whole box of cinnamon toast crunch, a tube of ritz and peanut butter and yakked it, along with my beautiful nori. I shouldn't even have that garbage in the house in the first place......
Oh boy. Physical Injuries really can throw your whole body out of whack and mess everything up. My sex drive is super low...just naturally I think so I too feel bad about not givin' hubby the lovin' as often as I think I should. Your hubby clearly loves you and is trying to be patient as you go through the hard time. Sometimes when I'm just in a bitchy mood I just tell him. Look, I'm in a bad mood and it's not your fault but I just feel really mean right now. That way he knows and I actually even feel better after I say it. Thanks for the food tip. You are right...not so adventurous with food. I don't eat seafood pretty much at all.
ReplyDeleteOk. I don't know how to frame this comment coz I'm worried it'll come off wrong and sound awful or whatever, but it's kinda something I wonder about all the time...
ReplyDeleteI hear tons of women express the same sentiments you did about sex where you just don't 'feel' sexy and so you avoid having sex and it's just...such a foreign concept to me. I don't understand it at all.
While I do have times when I enjoy sex less because of my hang-ups, I've never said 'no' to letting the person I'm with get physically intimate with me. Not ever. Because to me, sex/intimacy isn't about feeling sexy, it's about communicating what you feel about the other person regardless of what you feel about yourself.
I might be feel like a fat sack of shit, but if MG looks adorable and he's giving me the eyes or whatever, I'm going to override/ignore my sense of unattractiveness because it's not always about me. Sometimes it's about letting him be as close to me as possible because that's where he belongs.
Plus, I feel like sex has all different shades and flavors. I've had sex in every mood there is (not with MG, but in a different long term relationship with a guy I lived with); I'm-so-fucking-mad-at-you sex, tearful sad sex, giggle fits sex, almost-asleep-but-not-quite sex, I'm-bored-unbore-me sex, I-have-20-mins-til-the-laundry-is-done sex...
It doesn't always have to be...I guess, romantic or epic or perfect.
And to me, sex is like having a drink or taking a hot bath or going for a run. It's relaxing, it's soothing, and it burns calories. Why say no to that? But that's just me, I guess.
Anyway. I'm sorry for rambling and I'm sorry you're still having such a difficult time. 138 isn't bad at all. It's only bad if you're comparing yourself to someone you don't have to be. Why do you feel like you need to be any smaller? Why does it matter if you've gained from your 'goal' weight? What was to important about that weight anyway?
Did being your goal weight make you less fucked up internally? Did it magically give you fewer problems to overcome? Did the number on the scale transform you into someone brand new and different with different thoughts, feelings, abilities, desires, skills?
You're not better person when you're ultra skinny than you are right now. You're exactly the same person. So what is it you really want to change? You're using your weight as a proxy; but the change you really want to see happen doesn't have anything to do with pounds or inches, eh?
Last of all, if your shoulder is really bothering you, you might look into prolotherapy. My aunt had it for a shoulder injury that was looking like it needed surgery, but prolotherapy healed it right up. here's a link so you can peruse and see what you think. http://www.prolotherapy.com/
xoxoxoxo
Omg it got there? Yay! :D
ReplyDeleteIf you're ever heading down my way give me a yell and I'll play tourguide and sort accommodation so you can save pennies for shopping ;)
Writing is good for sorting things out in your head. Somehow organising the thoughts into sentences and putting them down in a logical fashion help you to see things that would otherwise elude you.
I really have no constructive advice at all. I've avoided intimacy for a year because I simply can't stand anyone touching me. I'm using all my energy trying to force myself to stay alive so there is none left over for remembering that things like sexy-times exist -.-;
Chronic pain is no joke. I hope they could find something on the MRI! Which part of the shoulder is it? The shoulderblade area or the rotator cuff? Maybe you could trade shoulder-rubs with the man so you get a little of the pain out. Constant pain is a massive drain on your emotional energy :(
I hope things are going a bit better now. Let us know how things go with your shoulder <3
*Hugs*
Hubby sounds like a great guy, and he doesn't seem to hold anything against you, but instead is understanding. That is RARE.
ReplyDeleteI'm sorry you've been having a rough time. I hope things are looking better now.
....aaaaaand I know it took me like a month to respond to your comment, but I didn't know there was a such a thing as long matches until after college. Plus we were pretty much living in poverty--the only matches we ever had were the free ones we got with our ciggies. o.O
xoxo!
hey.
ReplyDeleteJust found your blog and really liking it!
If you ever need support check mine out!
http://toofatforwords.blogspot.co.uk/
Look foward to reading more!