SO! I have my surgery set for Jan 3rd. Can you believe this is happening? I can not. My doctor ordered me to put it in a box and put it away until that day. I completely 100% trust her and the decision has been made. But I must admit some conflicted feelings have come up. I feel like a hypocrite because I'm SO ANTI circumcision. Kay there's that and also, because I used to bad trip (on drugs) on the possibility of someone torturing me by paper cutting or nail clippering me "down there". Sometimes, not even stoned I would bug out about it. I know that sounds ridiculous and it's been years since I really even thought about it. But I swear, some friends who knew me back then wouldn't believe that I would do something like this. At the same time I am PROUD of myself for saying what I need and asking for help. My doctor pointed this out to me. She said, "You asked for help, and you NEED help and I want to help you". I WILL take before and after pictures.
I STILL haven't purged!! WOO HOO! I came super close once last week but I've told so many people in AA I just couldn't. I couldn't imagine telling all those people I "relapsed". They would be so understanding but that did help me to have strength. It's been over a month - close to 2. I haven't been on a scale in a week or so but I'm hovering around 140.
I'm also still 100% vegan--plant strong.. I eat VERY well and I think my hair is getting better. My skin is definitely better. I take vitamins--they say to take 4 per day, and I only take 1.
Speaking of AA, I just celebrated my 5th year clean and sober on Dec 1. I went to this really big meeting in Portland to get a coin. Its a "speaker meeting" so there are speakers who stand at the front and talk for 10 & 30 mins. Also, all the people who are getting coins must go to the podium, say their name and sobriety date. I said "my name is Jenn and I'm an alcoholic. December 1st, 2007." and everyone claps and I had lots of friends there so lots of "woot!!"'s Other than that, no one talks except for the speaker who talks for an hour. THEN I chaired my homegroup meeting the following tuesday. I sat at the front and I didn't really talk about my story because I was co-chairing with 2 other people. I just shared about step 6 "were entirely ready to have God remove all these defects of character". I shared that because I recently went on a beach retreat with some aa ladies and we worked on that step and it was AMAZing. It's a really important step.
well I'm sorry if any of this was boring :-) Love all you ladies and thanks for reading
xoxo
Put your box in a box? ::giggle::
ReplyDeleteOk, I'm not seventeen, really I'm not.
It sounds like you have a lot of really fantastic (not boring at all!) things going on in your life right now. Five years success against one addiction and 2 months against another... Neither a small feat. I took my uncle to a really posh restaurant to celebrate his 5th anniversary of sobriety, but its main attraction is the unlimited meat so probably wouldn't appeal to you ;)
Don't feel bad about doing what you need to for your health. It might not always be the right thing but in your case it is so go with it. Yeah for being clean and Purge free! Keep it up.
ReplyDeleteThere is a difference between circumcision and tidying-up. Just like there is a difference between getting a nosejob for vanity and getting one because your nose was broken so many times it doesn't look like a nose.
ReplyDeleteI am so proud of you for being brave enough to ask for help, especially with those horrible bad-trip memories D: *Huggles*
Did she mean put the thoughts of the surgery in a box until the day of the surgery, or actually put your vadge in a box? o.O Detachable vagina? Dafuq?
WOOT A WHOLE MONTH OMFG WOW.That is fantastic!Keep doing what works and definitely use the other ways to do whatever purging does for you. (You wouldn't do it for so long or need to do it if it didn't serve some sort of purpose)
Yessssss keep yourself healthy missy! If I ever brave USA border security and your crazy gun-toting natives (Who will probably lynch me for a terrorist as soon as I open my gob) I want you to be around so I can bear hug you!
Lol yup first ever cupcake. We only recently started getting them in cafes here, mainly around studentville because of the american and canadian exchange students.
I think about you heaps too. Your deer clip is on my necklace and I've been working on a pressie for you for freakin' ages now. (The pattern breaks my brain just a tiny bit.) I wish it wasn't taking so blasted long, coz you could probably use it right about now up there!
Yeah, if I have any say in the matter for reals I'll never be on FB again. It just wasn't worth my sanity. Do you have Tumblr? I spend FAR too much time there! ^.^; I'm not good with regular checking of emails. Hyperbole and a Half's post on 'Why I'll never be a grown up' pretty much covers it! I will email you tomorrow so you have my contactifications :3
Omg how did you get suckered in to that?!? Everyone knows NZ is all about hobbits riding sheep around and all that :p I can do that, no prob! Should I borrow Dad's swanndri and steal a collie from somewhere? For you I'll swelter in plaid wool in the middle of summer ;)
Sending you a ton of love. Arohanui Jenn <3
I feel like, so proud of you for being brave and keeping up with all your positive changes...really! Excited for you!
ReplyDeleteBut. Stop comparing things. Stop. Stop comparing anything to anything else that isn't it. It's a terrible way to live, let alone make decisions. Your surgery isn't like circumcision, and circumcision isn't a horrible thing anyway, it's a choice people make that can be based on religious views or physical necessity and isn't something that needs to be championed by non-penis having persons. Or persons without religious beliefs that include circumcision as a rite.
I don't think many people stop to think about the fact that to be a Jew, one cannot be uncircumcised. Really. That's not a choice you can make if Judaism is your faith, it's a sacrifice to God, basically. If you have chosen for your sons not to be circumcised, that's cool. But stigmatizing it isn't helping your thought process, is it?
Extremism isn't a helpful trait for anyone, recovering or otherwise. Finding balance and acceptance of yourself also includes finding a way to accept that not everything you disagree with is inherently wrong, and not everything you dislike needs to be armed with philosophical rightness.
Just be you. Take care of you. Like I mentioned in my texts messages before regarding the fb stuff...there's a moment when any personal belief system begins to transgress the lines of reasonableness. Once you start feeling like you have to change yourself and then change all your friends and then change the world, there's too much pressure and that pressure can set you up for failure.
Keep on keeping on...but give up the judging and comparing and soap box declaring of what is or isn't right/clean/healthy/strong/good/better/best...and just do and be at peace with your own choices.
Loveloveloveyou!
xoxox
I'm so happy the surgery will soon be over and you can feel better! And no purging for so long?! You are amazing and strong.
ReplyDeleteI miss talking to you. Hugs and kisses for you, hot momma.
So many things to be proud of. So many giant steps you have taken!
ReplyDeleteP.S.
ReplyDeleteIceblock=popsicle :) Sorry about random slangage!
Omg sometimes I just wish they'd legalise it all so there would be more tax revenues and quality control AND we wouldn't have to deal with shit like this because people with problems would be sorted out instead of arrested and thrown in prison. Lol, in a perfect world not taking human nature into account -.-
Hope you're havign a good holiday season. Love you Jenn! <3
I hope the surgery goes ok! AND CONGRATS NOT PURGING THAT'S AWESOME!!!
ReplyDeleteAlso congrats on your 5 years sober--that's a serious accomplishment, and you should be proud of yourself. <3
I left you an award thingy on my blog, on the post before last!
xoxo