Jeeze what the fuck!? I cant believe it's been so long since my last post.... Ugh where to begin.
Everything with my surgery healed up great. The most big deal thing that has happened this year is that we've joined a Krishna Temple. Its called ISKCON International Society of Krishna Consciousness. Hubby and I have been on a spiritual quest--to find our right spiritual path, the whole time we've been married. Even before. He read the Mahabarta in the 90's and we've been exposed to the Bhagavad Gita and other Krishna books over the years. It just never stuck before because we weren't living a lifestyle conducive to the practice. There's no judgment or pressure, but there are some regulative principals that we just couldn't follow before so we just never even went too deep. Then, with me in AA, getting in touch with my Higher Power, and hour whole family adopting a plant based diet, we realized that we were already living close to a Vaishnava lifestyle. So hubby started itching to go to the temple again and he took the kids when I was recouping from surgery. He said it was wonderful and I went with him very soon after that. I had a very cynical attitude towards it, because I was just in this funky place with my spirituality. I had been reading a lot of Richard Dawkins and other atheist authors and bloggers. I was getting super bitter about how religion has infiltrated our country's politics and POLICIES. I was seeking out information to disprove Christian fundamentals. Like how the earth is only 6000 years old, no evolution etc... When we went in to that Temple, I promised myself I would reserve judgement until I gave it a real chance, but I fully expected to internally think "this is BS" or "Ya but, science bla bla". But so far, I have YET to come across something that conflicts with my scientific sensibilities. The vedas contain information that is only NOW being confirmed by science, it jives with quantum mechanics. There's a multiverse, reincarnation, karma, a culture I'm attracted to to the CORE. I love it
Theres more to catch up on. but I have to work! I'm AT work right now. I'll tell about that next I promise.
Food matters: I am deep in bulimia as ever. It kind of rules my life I HATE IT I HATE IT I HATE IT! I am in an endless cycle. I barely work out--I don't go to the gym, I plan on it of course but I just haven't got a routine back since last summer! I have been doing lots of little at home exercises like squats, lunges (a hundred a day), push ups, little abs, leg lifts. That sort of thing. But I weigh 143 and I have been stuck there for MONTHS. Purging does NOT help you loose weight. But I still do it. Every time I feel "full". if I start eating, I can't stop, so I feel full every time I eat and its just a matter of time till I eat again. I eat very clean and VEAN for crying out loud. what do I do??
Love you girls <3
I have to point this out just coz it bugs me. Christian dogma is not the same as Christianity. There is a literalist interpretation of the bible that lots of people take for granted as being "Christian" when that isn't really the case. I'm christian and I was never taught that the earth was 6000 years old or that the universe was created in 6 literal days. I was taught that the creative "days" were epochs, distinct periods of creation not limited to any definite length of time.
ReplyDeleteThe bible's chronology tracks approx 6000 years of events, but that has nothing to do with how long the earth has existed. That interpretation comes from a scripture that says a day is as a thousand years to God, and a thousand years as one day. It's an allegory to impress the timelessness of God being used to explicitly calculate time. A lot of people would be a lot better off if they had a more poetic eye towards reading the bible.
Anyway. With that off my chest, it seems like your bulimia is still a coping mechanism you use to deal with all the feelings you still refuse to unpack. So you basically have the same two options as you did with alcoholism; quit cold turkey and change your behavior without addressing the underlying causes at all, while relying on a support system to prevent relapse, OR taper off gradually while unearthing the root causes so you can cut the problem off at the source and use your support team to help you scaffold new behaviors.
Either one is better than nothing. I hope you'll take your ED and recovery from it as seriously as if not more seriously than your sobriety.
xoxoxo
I see your point about not taking those time spans literally. The bottom line for me is this: Do I believe that Jesus is my lord and savior? My answer is no. Do I believe that no one may come to the father except thru Him? My answer is no. I DON'T believe anyone who isn't "my" religion is going to hell. If you go toward Jesus and God through Jesus, that's cool, ALL GOOD. I just don't believe that THAT's the way for me to be close to God, or live spiritually.
DeleteAnd you're special and awesome but SO MANY of my relatives and friends are superchristian and they believe:
I'm going to hell
my kids are going to hell
we are satan worshipers
Karma = satan
Yoga = satan
evolution is NOT real and there IS no scientific basis for it
carbon dating is a joke and not even worth using as one of many TOOLS to prove certain theory's
And the bulimia: Ya, I have no argument. I don't feel like it's a big deal of course--in the sense that I don't feel like I'm using it to COPE so much as its just something I do. I don't think about it. I just do it. I start eating, can't stop, don't worry about it cuz I'll "just puke anyway". I'm not stressed about anything USUALLY, yet I still do it.
(I don't believe in hell either, btw)
DeleteAs for the bulimia, the fact that you are simply doing it on autopilot doesn't mean the root cause isn't an emotional trigger. I had an ED from the age of like 4 until recently. It was just a thing that was part of me until I woke up and didn't want it anymore. In the process of dismantling it, a lot of emotional baggage came to the surface that I hadn't thought about or dealt with before.
You feel like it's not a big deal, but the fact remains that having any kind of ED dramatically reduces life expectancy while dramatically increasing risk of ED related death. Bulimia can kill you faster than anorexia because all it takes is one epic purge to so completely fuck up your electrolytes and heart rhythm that you collapse and wind up brain dead/drowned in your own vomit.
Stop minimizing your ED. You are essentially playing Russian roulette every single time you purge. Acknowledge that. Every time you purge, there is a risk that your kids or your husband will find you either unconscious or dead the bathroom. That shit is categorically a big deal.
So then really, why take this terrible risk every day if it's just a meaningless habit? You wouldn't. But your subconscious can and will drive you to do it until you get in there and flip the off switch.
Conditions That Can Cause Death From Bulimia:
Delete1. Ketoacidosis: This is when high acid levels build up in your blood. It is an extremely dangerous condition that can lead to sudden coma and death.
2. Seizures or Fits: Bulimics have a higher chance of suffering from seizures or fits. These can cause brain damage and even death.
3. Pancreatitis: This potentially life threatening illness is when digestive enzymes attack your pancreas. It can be caused by the excessive use of laxatives or diet pills.
4. Electrolyte Imbalance: Dehydration, the loss of potassium and the loss of sodium can cause electrolyte imbalances. Abnormal electrolyte levels are common in bulimics. They can cause sudden cardiac arrest and death as was the case with Terri Schiavo.
5. Suicide and Depression: Depression and bulimia are two intertwined illnesses... In many cases it's hard to know which one came first. In all depressed people, suicide is a potential killer.
6. Cardiac Arrest: This is one of the scariest causes of death from bulimia. Cardiac arrest can strike at any time. It is one of the most common killers of bulimia sufferers.
7. Gastric Rupture: A gastric rupture can occur when you eat huge amounts during a binge. Although they are not very common, they often result in death.
8. Hypo and Hyperglycemia: These can be caused when your blood sugar levels are too high or too low. This is usually the result of bingeing and purging/fasting. Hypo and hyperglycemia can result in lots of different life threatening complications
Oh, and esophageal cancer is in that mix as well.
I'm so glad to hear the surgery healing went well :D
ReplyDeleteI reckon Dawkins has some good points when it comes to religion, but he is still a misogynistic douchecannon when it comes to women's rights.
Gah, I have FULL sympathy for you living in a country that seems hell-bent on driving itself back into the dark ages regarding science and religion. Mum is the snake-oil salesman's ideal customer /facedesk. Just. . . she never even take 5th form science so she can't even BEGIN to see when she's begin taken for a ride! Poor woman has wasted a fortune on bullshit over the years because she just can't even BEGIN to recognise pseudoscience even when someone is rubbing her nose in it.
Quantum mechanics breaks my brain. Then again, so does most physics. I just can't math. A common joke among my friends is that if you understand quantum physics then you're doing it wrong XD
It sounds like the bulimia has become a fully entrenched part of your life, and that sucks. Fast track to death and I DON'T WANT YOU TO DIE UNTIL YOU'RE AN OLD LADY TERRORIZING YOUR GRANDCHILDREN BY PRANKING THE LIVING SHIT OUTTA THEM. Beating something that has become so integral to your daily routine that you don't even think about it anymore is fucking hard. You can do it though, if you/re ready to fight it every step of the way.
Sending you a ton of love from down under <3