A YEAR

HOLY FUCK it's been a whole year.

 I knew it had been a while since I've written and I feel compelled to write every day but I never do :-(  i'm almost 39.... Still struggle with bulimia. Today I'm like "fuck it" you know? it has been like that for a few weeks. I was doing good. I started therapy--she specializes with addiction, eating disorders, and sexual trauma. And that is right up my alley. Well she suggested meds, and I had some success with Welbutrin in the past, so I started that again about 1.5 months ago. And thought that would be a good time to set my intention NOT to throw up anymore. And it was going well for about 2 weeks. Not really "well" though. I still felt FAT and bloated and uncomfortable and horrified with myself. But I wasn't throwing up. But then we went out of town twice and things were hectic and I just fell back into it as a stress reliever.  I have been trying to get more exercise but bottom line is I'm just NOT OK with how big I've gotten. I know the bulimia doesn't help me loose weight and all that but I CAN'T eat normally and then not puke after. I'm just so stuck....

Anyway...  I'm still at the same job--I'm there now in fact haha.  The other day I worked all day (Boss was on vaca), and I left to get food TWICE that I purged after...... some days I'm out of control like that. But the last week-ish, it's more like, I'm really good all day. I take my supplements, eat a Kind bar & banana for brekk, then just nibble something little for lunch if anything. Then the evening starts and I usually purge my dinner no matter what it is--but it's usually something kind of junky because I know I'm going to puke anyway so I dont' make the best choice... and then usually I'll have a little b/p session after everyone's in bed. Just like the olden days.

We are still vegetarian. Not vegan though. I have kicked the idea around lately of going back to vegan--except at the temple.  Might try that. My kiddo (just turned 12) wants to join the gym with me. That's another thing: I haven't been to the gym in MONTHS. probably a year has gone by and I don't even know it...  my scale battery died and I never got a new one though the scale is still sitting there in my bathroom collecting dust..... but I'm very sure I'm knocking on the door of 170. I can't fucking believe it. The last time I lost a gazillion pounds I wasn't even vegetarian, let alone worried about chemicals.... I don't even know where to start with my diet. I like Happy Herbivore--and I TRUST that her mealplans work.

For now, i'm going to honestly write here because that helped me before. I know what some of you are going to say (SM) and I love you for it and I hope we are still friends but that is one thing that has been holding me back from writing. Fear of getting "busted" I know I should be busted but at the same time, I NEED TO loose this weight and I'm fucking gonna anyway.

A friend of mine just lost A HUNDRED pounds! I'm so goddamn proud of her. She didn't even start exercising yet. She has another 80 to go and she really couldn't exercise because of injury issues but shes gonna start soon and The next 80 is just going to fall off! fun to watch.

I'm BACK BITCHES!!!!