on fire

So yesterday was ok. I worked out HARD (so I'm sore today) and I still only ate less than 1200 cals. Then I went to bed and I was cold and I couldn't sleep. So, I got up for a nibble and I ate probably 200 cals and went to bed. Which is no good I guess BUT whatcha goona do. HAha I'm watching Lorraine Bracco on the View. Fuggettabowdit

I was hungry all day though. It's hard.

I ordered some Power Pops. BFF came over yesterday and was glum about her weight. She lost SOOOO much weight and only weighs 115 or less. But she still has a bit of tummy and I wanted to tell her about ProAna Thinspiration and about my blog. But I just cant. I'm afraid she'll go nutso and hurt herself. Plus she'll bust me. well maybe I'll tell her later. She looks great though! It's amazing and an inspiration in itself.

I'm not going to the gym but I'll do my ab routines.

rad

I can't believe it, but I went to bed hungry last night and I fell asleep! I did it! yaaaaaay!

I feel like saying a little bit more about why I hate my body. I can't paint my toenails. I have a hard time using tampons. I can't see my vagina. I can't groom my bikini area. I have to LIFT my stomach sometimes GROSS!

ok, I'll check in later to give my counts.

Thank God

Thank God I'm not like some other girls I've read about: I CAN make myself throw up.

I went to Red Robin with my group after the meeting and I was SO GOOD. I just had a mint tea. But when I got home, C's leftover dinner was sitting on the counter and I just was gonna have one bite, but of course I wolfed it up and washed it down with whole milk. So, well, I visited the ladies room after.....

Then I cleaned the whole kitchen and swept and mopped and then came in the living room and did another ab routine. 100 crunches + a couple other things.... It feels GOOD to be NOT FULL. I can suck in my stomach and I'm still fat but I'm not bloaty and roundy inside. I'm NOT meant to be this way! I obsess about it way too much--like nonstop constantly. I know other girls just as big or bigger and I don't think they're fat pigs, but it's just not ME. I'm meant to be lengthy and flexible. I'm so miserable like this its a WONDER I haven't taken drastic measures sooner!

What the fuck?? I've been keeping this inside me for YEARS. I mean, I tell M I hate it but I try to down play it because I don't' want him to worry about me at all. I did mention tonight that I'm going on a diet and a hard one too. He said not to go too hard because then I'll get burned out and give up. I will NOT give up. This is the END of fat for me.

According to the Livestrong website I use to track my intakes and workouts, in order to loose 3 pounds a week I should eat 1200 calories a day. It takes into account my regular activity, but when I work out, I can supposedly eat that many more calories. Today I had 1100 Calories AND I worked out. Amazing. This day is a success.

I NEVER go to bed hungry so that's the scary thing right now. I don't know if I can do it. SO worst case, I'll warm up a cup of 1% milk if I can't sleep.....

ProAna

Ok, so I'm not kidding I am over being fat. A few days ago, I started throwing up any time I "over eat". Also, I would over eat on purpose knowing I was gonna make myself throw up. This is known as binging and purging. For instance, if its lunchtime, I'll eat TWO chicken burritos instead of one and purge my whole lunch... I've also been taking laxatives every day, just at night before bed. This weekend was C and nephews' birthdays and we went to embassy suites. I ate whatever and like, if I know I'm gonna throw up, I wait to eat anything so I eat all at once so I only have to throw up once. I have been doing that 3 times every single day. Last night M folks were here and we went to Red Robin for C's birthday. I ate a chicken Caprese sandwich, fries, and some ice cream sundae and some of C's milkshake. Then I visited the ladies room and purged. I was SO quiet! It's HARD to be quiet but this time was easy because I was sooo full.

Last night I started looking up anorexia websites because, well, I honestly wanted some tips. I thought they would all be recovery ones but I might still find something. Well, I found a LOT, much more than I thought was out there. There's a whole sub-culture of PRO anorexia support!

Today is my first day of restricting. I'm not anorexic, I'm just dieting. That's the truth because I still eat, I don't want my metabolism to stop, I'm still OVERWEIGHT. And I LIKE a very slender body. I WANT to be skinny, like i was just after high school. Sure I was partying a LOT and using drugs, but I'm seriously going to TRY to get like that again without drugs. I guess my plan is to restrict as much as possible and then if I have a weak moment, I can purge. The main blog I read last night, the girl can't make herself throw up so when she binges, she'll go on a juice fast for days and/or do a saltwater flush. Luckily, I CAN throw up. I honestly can't wait to do the saltwater flush. I'm afraid it will make me sick though so I don't know when I can do it.

Today for breakfast I had coffee, and 2 bites of S's cereal (215 cal tops) lunch I had HALF a sandwich and some blueberries and vitamin water(400) and I'm gonna have a mid afternoon snack of yogurt and a clementine. And for dinner I'm making a pasta bake with cheese and sausage so I'm gonna have to maybe barf that one. THAT's the worst hard part: feeding my boys and ALSO loosing weight. It's practically impossible. OK I'm gonna TRYYYYY to only eat ONE CUP of that bake and I'll put it on a small plate and eat really slow. And I'll take an alli.

I was 186 when I started back at the gym TWO months ago. In all that time I've only lost 8 pounds--I weighed in today at 178. that makes me happy but it's WEAK. Fuck that. I want to loose NO LESS than 3 pounds a week until I'm not kidding :125

It feels so good to say all this out loud if even only to myself.

HAHA, I need to clean my camera

Just like a little baby

I found out today that in order to enroll in college, I have to get immunized for measles. Of course, I got immunized as a child against everything on the normal schedule. And my mom kept a very detailed baby book for me. But, there are no immunization records in there. I found my pediatrician online and he's still in practice and I got my hopes up that the records were on microfiche. The lady I first talked to at the medical group said they DO keep the records that far back (30 years!) but the lady in the records department said they've LONG been destroyed. :-(

I'm trying to be brave to show my kids that shots are no big deal. BUT I HATE IT

Alpha Poem DELORIS

Disenchanted
Ever
Lost
Offered
Relentlessly
Incomplete
Self

worst mom ever

I hate this: S is being a holy terror as usual. he runs around and goes out of his way to destroy things. He dumped 1/2 the bathwater out on the floor while I wasn't looking, and flooded the bathroom. Little bit later, we were just starting to have a dance party and he went over to the computer desk and dumped my drink. On purpose. just pushed it over. And I mean this is in addition to the constant chaos. I feel bad already, then I scream at both of them "C, I'm sorry your brother ruins everything!!"

I told S ALL DAY that we would go outside and play after C got home from school. C came home, did his homework and had a snack, started his chores. We all go out. After just a few minutes, C was begging for me to let him go in the cul de sac without a helmet all by himself. First of all, no helmet. Second, S will want to follow. So he starts screaming he hates me, and S copied him. Then S starts rolling uncontrolled toward the street and there's a car coming. I run at top speed and a guy across the street starts waving wildly at the car. I reach him inches from the street and just as the car stops at the same spot. So then S is screaming and arching his back, C is in tears......


what the fuck right??!!