ProAna

Ok, so I'm not kidding I am over being fat. A few days ago, I started throwing up any time I "over eat". Also, I would over eat on purpose knowing I was gonna make myself throw up. This is known as binging and purging. For instance, if its lunchtime, I'll eat TWO chicken burritos instead of one and purge my whole lunch... I've also been taking laxatives every day, just at night before bed. This weekend was C and nephews' birthdays and we went to embassy suites. I ate whatever and like, if I know I'm gonna throw up, I wait to eat anything so I eat all at once so I only have to throw up once. I have been doing that 3 times every single day. Last night M folks were here and we went to Red Robin for C's birthday. I ate a chicken Caprese sandwich, fries, and some ice cream sundae and some of C's milkshake. Then I visited the ladies room and purged. I was SO quiet! It's HARD to be quiet but this time was easy because I was sooo full.

Last night I started looking up anorexia websites because, well, I honestly wanted some tips. I thought they would all be recovery ones but I might still find something. Well, I found a LOT, much more than I thought was out there. There's a whole sub-culture of PRO anorexia support!

Today is my first day of restricting. I'm not anorexic, I'm just dieting. That's the truth because I still eat, I don't want my metabolism to stop, I'm still OVERWEIGHT. And I LIKE a very slender body. I WANT to be skinny, like i was just after high school. Sure I was partying a LOT and using drugs, but I'm seriously going to TRY to get like that again without drugs. I guess my plan is to restrict as much as possible and then if I have a weak moment, I can purge. The main blog I read last night, the girl can't make herself throw up so when she binges, she'll go on a juice fast for days and/or do a saltwater flush. Luckily, I CAN throw up. I honestly can't wait to do the saltwater flush. I'm afraid it will make me sick though so I don't know when I can do it.

Today for breakfast I had coffee, and 2 bites of S's cereal (215 cal tops) lunch I had HALF a sandwich and some blueberries and vitamin water(400) and I'm gonna have a mid afternoon snack of yogurt and a clementine. And for dinner I'm making a pasta bake with cheese and sausage so I'm gonna have to maybe barf that one. THAT's the worst hard part: feeding my boys and ALSO loosing weight. It's practically impossible. OK I'm gonna TRYYYYY to only eat ONE CUP of that bake and I'll put it on a small plate and eat really slow. And I'll take an alli.

I was 186 when I started back at the gym TWO months ago. In all that time I've only lost 8 pounds--I weighed in today at 178. that makes me happy but it's WEAK. Fuck that. I want to loose NO LESS than 3 pounds a week until I'm not kidding :125

It feels so good to say all this out loud if even only to myself.

HAHA, I need to clean my camera