Fiesta

There's a Fiesta at the school tonight. I don't want to go. It's too cold. I'm going to make enchiladas, and we'll go get churros after school and have a fiesta here.

I went and got a book today called The Courage To Heal. It's about surviving sex abuse. It was recommended to me by a crisis IM hotline chat girl last night. I kept searching yesterday for resources and groups. I may have found a pretty good place but I haven't got the guts up to call yet.

When I was little, my mom would loose it every once in a while and beat me really bad. I'd be black and blue all over my butt. Just sickening bruises. She'd eventually come to me with one of those vitamin e tablets. She'd pop it open and rub the vitamin E on my skin wherever there was bruising. I assume it broke her heart-it would mine. But, sick as it is, I cherished those times. When I had my mom all to myself.

It makes me sad to think about that, but its been an intrusive memory a LOT lately. I can't stop remembering that.

a secret fantasy wish is a wish that can never come true but you wish it anyway. My secret fantasy wish is that I didn't have an excuse to have issues. I wish so much that I could say to myself "you don't have anything in your past to account for this behavior so knock it off"

I'm so tired, maybe I'll take a nap.