yesterday's problem

So here's what's happening: I am not feeling particularly sad, but my behavior is indicative of depression or trauma. I have little interest in doing anything but watch tv. If I didn't have my kids, I'd never leave the house, and I'm usually go go go!

I'm ok with taking everything slow. I'm afraid though, that I'm missing a window where I need to be doing something to grieve that I'm not, and I'll never be able to again.

I'm just SO blah, and every day I wonder how long this will go on. I feel guilty for not being super entertaining, though I know for sure I'm doing ok because we have a Christmas tree with wrapped presents under it. I'm treading water ok. Is that ok?? maybe it is and by worrying, I'm just over dramatizing.

Now the real problem today; I went to my girlfriend's this morning-I told her I was depressed and needed to visit. We got to talking and yesterdays Oprah was about Mackenzie Phillips from the tv show "One Day At A Time", who revealed in a new book that she had a long term sexual relationship with her father. Oprah asked her to explain how it became consensual over time, and she (Oprah) was pretty cold about it. I talked openly to my friend about my experience with that. I started telling her about my time working with my therapist and how it affected me strongly, and my confusion about how upset I could feel, and sick, but then life goes on and i pack it all back away. It's a trip really! Well Mackenzie Phillips talked about how incest is more common than we think, but it's just so shameful and all that. I have to agree; while it's very fashionable to take antidepressants, or have a child with autism, or even be a sex abuse survivor, incest is so ugly and for lack of a better word, dorky. maybe it's mental damage telling me it's dorky and unattractive

So, I went to the library and did a search and there was only ONE book at the library. Not that they were all checked out, but they just dont have too many. There's 3 or 4 at in the system. But I was surprised to learn how under discussed the subject is. I read the one book they did have while S played. The book was in the juvenile area with the kid self help books-- "The Guide to Moving In With Grandma" and "How to Deal With Divorce".... It was called "Everything You Ever Needed To Know About Incest" It was just sickening. I mean, the book wasn't, only I recognized that I started feeling nauseous and shaky. So I came home and I was just looking up survivor groups, seeing what's out there. It is very sparse! 1/2 the sites are stupid pervert "lesbian twin incest" . har har

I come back to this every time I think about it--I wonder if I really need any help because I AM ok in regular life. but I know it's under there somewhere. Plus now I'm "dealing" with my mom. that gives me "feelings" about what kind of mother she was--bringing that situation on me. So, now I'm crying and I know I DO need help. I can skate on a frozen pond as long as it doesn't crack. But as soon as it cracks I am dealing with a flood. Like right now. I can't be depressed about my mom and stay home having a love affair with the tv if Oprah is going to be about incest. I have to shelter myself and I'm still gonna get hit with emotions some other way.

Well it is interesting at least.