Long time no see eh? I've been ok. Time to start blogging more. I have my other public one and I am so fake over there I HAVE to get my real talk out somewhere. I'm not really "fake" over there, just leave pretty much all my feelings or drama out.
So lets see. Today I'm in a daze because I got some confusing as shit test results back. A few months ago, I made seitan--AKA "wheat meat". it is a meat substitute, very high protien, made from wheat gluten. I had really bad stomach consequences and something just clicked: maybe I have gluten issues. Because I have stomach issues ALL the time every day. A HUGE bloated gassy tummy, hurting so bad, ruining my life, no gas ever coming OUT. Just BOING BONG-ing around in my gullet .... I'm surprised I never thought of the gluten thing sooner. So that was the last week in April. I started right then to cut gluten out. For about 2 months (may & june) I was gluten free--but I was making a huge mistake. I was still having "issues" and I thought maybe it wasn't gluten at all that was the problem. I started cutting out other things around this time too. Cut dairy, and stopped taking laxatives (I'M OFF LAXATIVES!!!). Then I started REALLY scrutinizing labels and found out I wasn't gluten free all the way!!! Being vegan, I eat lots of stir fries, and I went to sushi lots.... Guess what is in soy sauce (and therefore every teriyaki sauce, stir fry sauce....) WHEAT. So I went 100% Gluten free starting around july 4th. Add that to the no dairy, and the no laxatives, my tummy has never been happier. So I go get this blood work done to test for gluten antibodies. Celiac disease and just general gluten sensitivities. That was july 23-after 2 full months of gluten free, and about 3 weeks STRICTLY gluten free. Well guess what. The tests came back "normal"... I was so confused and spaced out over this all day. Then I read a whole bunch on the internet (duh) about false negatives. 3 top search results on google said you HAVE to be eating gluten when you get tested. If you think you have a problem and you WANT an official diagnosis, get the test BEFORE you try elimination diet experimenting. I talked to my husband and I talked to my sponsor and I feel better now. I know the deal, and I know what works for me and I'm sticking to it. I'm very frustrated with my doctor right now because I asked him SPECIFICALLY if I should be eating gluten before the test and he said no, it won't matter. I've been watching a million TED talks, and documentaries and I'm like OVER the whole medical industry. You know, I've been working with this same doctor for a few years now and he has never ONCE asked me what I eat/how I eat/if I exercise. I tell him sometimes, I'll say "I rode my bike here" or "I'm trying this gluten free experiment. He could give a flying fuck. I heard a statistic in one of these documentaries that doctors only get 2 hours of nutrition "training" in ALL of medical school. This one little fact makes me NUTS. JUST NUTS. I can't take it
***this is the TMI part***
anyway. what else. Ok want some more drama? SO I'm pretty sure I've mentioned before that I'm a sex abuse survivor. Well, another thing I talked to my doctor about is I have some disfigurement on my vagina. From that abuse. Its that my inner labia are TOO LONG. They tear!!!! they get torn right where it connects to the clitoral hood (TMI) and I'll get shooting pain all over the area, and it will get infected super easy. RUINS my sex life. I told him I'm ready to talk about options. So he was supposed to do a Pap smear that day, but he referred me to get in with a GYNO doc specialist. I need to call and make an appt that reminds me... anyway, this is HUGE. I have never even fully gone through this problem (the whole trauma not just my vag) in therapy. I've skimmed the surface but I always wuss out and loose my shit. I can never get all the way through it. So anyway, it would just be so crazy for me. To not have that pain, annoyance, and constant reminder. BUT we're talking about SURGERY on my tutu. Cutting, stitches..... ugh I just can't even think of it right now. I'm just going to take it step by step.
as far as ED goes, I've been doing the same as I have the last year. Puking once or twice a day, sometimes more. only now I never binge on taco bell or top ramen. I just puke my regular (pretty frikken healthy) meals WHEN/if I eat. Tonight, I rode my bike 10 miles and at the end, both my legs were cramped so bad and i know it's because I didn't eat enough all day before hand. But I'm still 135 pounds and I want to loose!
Today I ate:
Coffee with soy creamer (didn't puke)
Tortilla chips, probably in truth 2 servings (didn't puke)
Bikeride
Vegan (no tuna) salad and more chips (puked)
a giant apple, and some peanut butter (didn't puke) just right now....
So, glad you quit the laxies! That's something. And great that your tummy is better. And so sorry to hear about your who who problem. It's terrible that evil people in the world do such evil things to people that affect them for the rest of their lives. Surgery is big but if it could be a huge improvement in your life it's worth checking out. I agree. Doctor's are idiots. I read up on the drug that the doctor wants to prescribe me (Lupron) and read all of these horror stories! Do they even care? As far as the binge/purge-it's clearly not working for weight loss. I know it's hard but maybe consider not doing it. You are eating healthy anyways! Take care.
ReplyDeleteI'm over the medical industry and I'm IN the medical industry :/ I wish we could combine the goal for evidence-based practice with research on alternative therapies. Unfortunately, alternative medicine can be just as bad if it relies on personal testimony rather than solid evidence. It's like there's no system you can fully trust, and that stinks.
ReplyDeleteI have some vag weirdness that I think is related to the childhood abuse but it doesn't affect how things work... It sucks to have that reminder, esp since I remember you posting about your sex life really being amped up after your weight loss. Surgery is scary, but in addition to having less pain, maybe it will help you feel less damaged to be less physically damaged? ((hugs))
What Tempest said.
ReplyDeleteAlso, I had a thought: if you were ready, like, really ready to go to therapy and talk about all of it, WHAT IF you arranged to have your husband take the kids on a Mancation of some kind--like a week of camping or a week of road tripping or something where they can be free from all girls...and then you go to therapy and get it all out and have a week of quiet and privacy to break down, throw shit, scream, sob and sort yourself out.
Or let them stay home and you book a couple days in a bed and breakfast or nice hotel room for the same reason, some space to breathe and not worry about what anyone else is doing while you get through your emotions.
Also, baby, you gotta stop purging. It's like one of the all time worst things you can do to your body that isn't drugs or alcohol. And the longer you purge, the worse the bulimic boomerang is. By that, I mean the weight gain rebound that happens to everyone who has some kind of binge/compensatory behavior cycle. It fucks up your metabolism and it fucks up your body's ability to maintain lean body mass. All of this is so dangerous...there's a growing subset of girls with EDs and diabetes...shit is scary. Take care of yourself.
Love yourself. Be kind to yourself. Do the things for yourself that you would do for your kids, treat yourself like your own child. Care for yourself.
xoxoxox
Yay Jenn! I've missed you <3
ReplyDeleteIt could very well be Coeliac. Are you going to get re-tested after eating gluten again for a bit? If you do or don't: READ ALL THE LABELS. Tips from Boadicea: Some instant coffees (Here at least) have undeclared gluten and pre-grated cheese is dusted with wheat flour to stop it sticking together. Check EVERYTHING.
I have absolutely no trust in the medical industry after watching them fuck people around for money and completely disregarding their health. When did it become about money and not healing?
To my mind not having the pain, annoyance and constant reminder would be a good thing. Would you look down on someone for having surgery to fix up stab wounds or tidy up losing a leg to a gin trap? (Best analogy I could think of >.<) Look after yourself and take it a bit at a time. If you need to rage and cry, do so. In the end you're doing this for YOU so you can continue to move on from it.
You don't need me to tell you that purging fucks your body in a billion different ways, but I will. Exercising on top of it is a recipe for quick, nasty death. It's not good and it's scary. I don't want you to die, dammit!
I hope you have a good weekend, please try to look after yourself.
Arohanui *hugs*