yesterday mid-day I was 135ish. when I went to bed I was 137 blah. when I got up in the am today I was 133.8 I didn't eat all day till 4pm I had veggies n a lil hummus. Its my big sons birthday so we went out and he had pizza and a milkshake! haha!! I had that hummus deal, then came home and purged. THEN I went on the scale (obsessed much) and I was 134 fully dressed with jeans and shoes so I fuckin stripped. 132.6 aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh I was so ecstatic. THEN we went to Fro Yo and I had a little non dairy gluten free pineapple flavor with toasted coconut & little mochi balls. I needed to run a couple errands so I dropped all boys off at home and went out. It was 9pm and I was just so antsy to purge that froyo. I went to a special store JUST to buy apples cuz they are the only store with these certain apples. they have a nice bathroom, but it's not a one person it has stalls. so I totally figured no one would be in there. and no one was! wheew. So I get in there and of course someone walked in. perfect. I tried to fidget with my phone and wait for them to leave but it was obvs not happening so I was like WHATEVER THANKS ALOT!! in my inside voice. Now I was just DESPERATE to purge and I knew it was too late. I was so grossed out that I ate that and I'm sure it was a globby lump in my tummy. well I came home and ate a rice noodle ramen. purged that and got SOOOOO Swoozy and stoned just like the good old days. difference is: back then I would wuss out and eat spoon after spoon of honey, or chocolate. Just ravenous and no control. tonight I just drank a FULL glass of water and took my vitamins (RX meds, flax oil, adult chewable multi) and sat on the couch and just felt my feelings instead of trying to escape. Its a little unpleasant but I don't want to jeopardize that 132 something and starving all day just to hog out on chocolate. well I don't even BUY myself chocolate anymore.... ALSO in the olden days I would eat a LOT of ritz crackers and peanut butter every night after my purge. Now I eat an apple and MAYBE some peanut butter.
Its big son's birthday and thank God we got him a couple little things in advance because payday is sun and I had to just run up a credit card to take him out and about today. I didn't even get his "big" present yet and I feel like a looser mom. money things suck and stress me out. I wonder every day: should I go to school, or should i get a job..... ugh
Little thoughtful presents are better than expensive thoughtless ones. They'll be the ones he treasures or looks back on with fondness long after fancier things are broken and forgotten.
ReplyDeletePlease look after yourself. Love you so much and don't want you to pass out and bash your head!
Have you moved at all since I sent you the hat? I'm working on this winter's accessories :p
Arohanui <3
Why call it 'wussing out' to eat food you actually need (your brain in particular) to function after purging food you had no real reason to get rid of?
ReplyDeleteAdjust your perception and your behavior will follow, I think. Don't quote me on that, but that's what I'm putting my money on.
That is definitely SO strange...I can't remember in the slightest how we got each other's numbers. So...this is the "unsafe" blog, yes?
ReplyDelete