So I have acne and my hair is falling out. Husband and I are on this whole vegan thing together. I am committed. I think eating meat is wrong, especially in the factory produced system we have. Even if it's not factory, I think the best health comes from a plant based diet. But hair falling out and bad skin is not a good outcome!!! And I know the truth is that I throw up and don't absorb any good nutrients. I mean this is all generally speaking. From when I posted last, I was eating SO LITTLE and then puking when I did eat, and whatever I ate wasn't some buttery juicy fat. It was like, kale salad. SO I KNOW the real reason my hair is falling and I have cystic acne RIGHT on my chin where my hand rubs and presses when I'm purging, is from the puking. So I confessed to husband again. He was confused because he SEES I don't buy bad foods and he just didn't get WHY I would do that if I'm not even eating anything bad. I tried explaining, Its just that full feeling that makes me panic and sometimes I can't stop eating tortilla chips (my guilty pleasure) so I feel like I have to purge and I say fuck it and eat every "good" food in my house. At LEAST I don't even buy naughty treats anymore. AT LEAST that. I got a RX for the acne and then decided not to take it. I know if I really eat right and KEEP it in, my skin will be the envy of all. Everyone still TELLS me I look great and my skin is super. I'm like, I KNOW I'm not fuckin imagining this shit. But I'm not taking that med, it goes against my whole reasonfor eating well and making my own everything (beauty products) lately. Its just not the best to take that I know. If I dont purge and I still have a problem, then we'll talk. After that confesssion, I didn't puke for 2 days, then I did for 2 days then I didn't for 2 days again, then I did tonight. So, I'm still working on it. I was puking 3 times a day, now like 3 times a week..... I also got Glycolic acid from Sephora again. that stuff worked to give me rad skin and HELLOOOOOO THE GYM??? I need to get back swimming that has always erased zits for me too.... ZITS!!?? I just turned 37 on Monday. wtf.
ok I have to go to bed.
love you girls
I think it's so cool that you and hubby have gone vegan. I've been vegan for over a year now and love it. I also think it's fabulous that your ED behaviors are slowing down. It's a process. When behaviors like that are so deeply ingrained, it takes TIME to get over them. As much as we wish we could just snap our fingers and make them go away, that simply isn't possible.
ReplyDeleteYou're making progress. Focus on that. Remind yourself that you're doing your best. You're eating healthy. You're purging less. And move on. Every day is a new chance to be the best you can.
I eat meat and prob will never stop. I don't eat it every day or feel that it's one of my fav foods but if I want it then I eat it. Baby steps. You are already doing better with the purging and you can stick to it. Your health is very important! You will look better and feel better.
ReplyDeleteHow did you quit drinking?
ReplyDeleteYou're going to have to apply many of the same techniques you used to embrace sobriety in order to embrace healthy eating.
You're going to need transparency, accountability, and an acknowledgement that your problems require outside assistance; you can't do it on your own.
You have gotten stuck in the loop of fearing food because you're trying to control every aspect of yourself; control your body, your feelings, your environment, your health, everything. No one can hold all those reigns and stay sane. Not me, not you, not anyone. You have to let go of some things, be ok with less control, less perfection.
The way I see it, all the stuff you're doing, the veganism, making your own EVERYTHING, purging, all of it together is a symptom of something else, something emotional; maybe the need for purity/rightness? But that's just my opinion, feel free to disregard.
Anyway. If your hair is falling out, it's time. It's time to seek help. I know you aren't Christian but you are spiritual, so I'm gonna recommend a book to you that I've been reading. It's called Released From Shame: Recovery for Adult Children of Dysfunctional Families by Sandra D. Wilson. It is framed towards Christians, but so much of the way it takes apart the layers of what it means to come out of a shitty childhood and into a complicated adulthood is enlightening. You gotta do something different than just spin in the cycle of reaction/avoidance, eh?
xoxoxoxo
I don't blame you for not wanting to eat meat produced in the USA. If I ever visited I'd have to go vegetarian for the trip if I couldn't get farm kill or wild game. We don't have feedlots here, so I'm ok with eating read meat and refuse to tough sowcrate or barn/battery raised poultry and eggs. (Havoc Pork has a shop 5mins from my house, pity I can't eat pig much!)
ReplyDeleteCutting down the puking is good. I really wish I could help, but I have no useful advice. Useless, I know.
Feel free to use Spazzatron whenever you like! It's what I call Dralion when she goes nutty and starts sprinting around the house and trying to murder my slippers XD (Speaking of which, she's trying to pin my arms down. I think she wants to say Hi)
Take care, Jenn. You really do deserve to be able to live without this shit. Love you *hugs*
A few days without purging is still an accomplishment. Like any bad addiction, sometimes you just can't kick it all at once, but you'll get there.
ReplyDeleteI try to get all my meat and dairy and eggs from local farms; it's so awful how those factory animals are treated. I feel much better knowing that my dinner had a nice life out in the fields before I ate it. :/ Probably a good thing meat is my fav food group, as according to my doctor, if I stopped eating it I would drop dead within a month because would blood pressure and iron would drop to unsafe levels, or something...
So does that mean you made that lip balm you sent me? I love it so much, I use it like 100 times a day!
xoxo