I was on a trip during the summer to see my sister and her husband in Santa Barbara. They took this picture with a real camera using real film haha. They had a darkroom! And they developed it just like in photo class. VERY cool huh? I don't remember this day, or much of the trip at all actually. I mean, I have tiny blips of memory, and of course pictures to remind me. Then I went to go visit my Daddy in Washington. My parents were divorced when I was 5 and my mom remarried a new dad who already had kids. The bad big brother was one and he came to live with us when I was 8 and he was 15. So by the time I went on this trip, I was already ruined and major things were happening all the time. So I went to see my Daddy and one thing I DO remember about this trip was this: My Daddy had a girlfriend named Rose. She was a little weird but nice and very loving. One day, I got a full blown panic attack. I didn't know that's what it was though. Everything went black and I wanted to DIE. I knew, if I didn't tell Rose about my brother, I WOULD die. So I told her. I remember very specifically where we were sitting and everything. The weird thing is that my memory is totally out of body, like I'm watching myself from across the room. And now, thinking back on that, I just can't believe what happened next...... She told my Daddy right. She told him in private. Couple days later, he and I are driving in the car just the two of us. He goes "so Rose tells me that _______ has been trying some funny business with you" I say "ya" He says, "well the next time that happens you just tell him he better not do that any more". End of conversation. I WILL concede, I dont think he quite got the extent of it. But I look at that face in this picture, and if a little child told me anything about ANY FUNNY BUSINESS, I wouldn't just blow it off like that!!!! JEEZE FUCK!! I just can't wrap my head around it. He was SUPPOSED to call my mom and say "you want your daughter back? Kick those scumbags to the curb and I want a copy of the police report before you'll see her again" He was supposed to call her in front of me and say that. So I could #1be rescued and #2 I would KNOW I was worth a good God Damn!!! I still don't know it. I still don't fucking know it!
I was shell shocked by this picture, but I hadn't had time to process that and THEN hubby and I got in a fight this eve and THAT shell shocked both of us. I really don't think my issue has anything to do with our fight. Well maybe it does. I thought it was because we JUST still to this day sometimes miscommunicate and he hears hostility from me when I'm just trying to ask him to do something. But Shit, you know come to think of it, this probably does have everything to do with my "issues". See here's what happened. Littlest man is sick, I was making dinner, Dad was relaxing. Littlest man whined for attention from dad and dad said "occupy yourself" I got all Mama Bear about it because I feel bad for my Littlest Man who is sick. Here's where my issues come in: I never want my kids to have the slightest inkling of dismissal from us. And when I hear what MIGHT be considered that I bug out. Then we start fighting about who does more around here and meanwhile, the kids are off doing whatever probably rolling their eyes at us. Sometimes I am dismissive of them myself, but I KNOW the situation: maybe they've been demanding all day and I've given to their demands and nothing is ever good enough so finally I'm like SHOOOOOO!!! But of course it's ok for me to do it but not him...... Now husband is in bed and it was a weird "goodnight"
I hate this. I feel like I've "used up" all my sympathy points with him and he's just over it. Then at the same time I don't think he has the slightest idea of how an innocent nice picture can add up to such turmoil in my brain.
I need to fuckin snap out of it
You are worth a good god damn so big the universe can't contain it. I wish I could go back in time to when that photo was taken and show it to you. The expression on your face makes me want to cry. You're trying to smile but your eyes show you've already endured more than a child should in a sane world.
ReplyDelete"Funny business" EXCUSE ME? No. Just no. Not cool!
On that time-trip I'd be slapping the paternal unit and paying that "brother" a visit for some old-fashioned utu.
People lament and cry and carry on about how child abuse statistics are so bad, but HOW can they EVER hope to improve the situation when the kids who are living in hell are ignored when they try to ask for help? /facedesk
Maybe that's why you react so badly to the hubby telling the kids to entertain themselves etc? Coz you got the worst possible form of dismissal EVER. I know I still flinch when I hear my friend have to yell at her kids for misbehaving (Say deliberately throwing the ball out onto the road when they've been told not to several times, or leaving the gate to the road open so the 1-year-old can get out) I know it's not the same situation at all, but it brings up badbadbad echoes.
Did you tell him the story behind the photo? Having all that brought up would have had you on edge way worse than normal. 'OHAI IMMA GONNA BRING BACK SOME HORRIBLE MEMORIES FOR YOU RIGHT NOW' :(
It's not something you just have to "snap out of", you need to talk to someone who can help you work through it, past it, whatever it so that fucker has no more hold over you and you can know in your heart and in your gut that while the people who were supposed to protect you failed in their duty, you ARE worth something and ARE worth protecting and telling your kids to go play outside instead of pestering you all day isn't the same thing as what you experienced.
Oh man I hope this made sense.
Love you so much *hugs*
Have you considered a safe word? A word or phrase you could use when something is triggering you based on your past? so your husband will know how to process your reaction without taking it so personally?
ReplyDeleteAnd sweetie, I know I've said this before, but you need help. You didn't get it from your father back then, but you can get it for yourself now that you're an advocate for your own health, safety and wellbeing.
You are strong and courageous, you are worth every effort and every expenditure of energy to take care of yourself.
xoxoxo
YOU are the warrior.
ReplyDeleteWithout going into further detail...I know EXACTLY what you are talking about. You aren't alone.
ReplyDelete~MLM