so motivated

Today I went to H gym again and I was 174.5. I lost a pound in one day! RAD! I only had a nectarine and coffee for breakfast so I was so weak at the gym and starving. I wanted to just give up after 30 min. But then as I was swimming, I realized I can break 170 by the middle of next week if I kick ass, so I kept at it for 50 min.

Today I've had a nectarine, coffee, and a lean cuisine. Tonight is Mexican chicken. I calculated dinner as 500 cals, so I can try to leave a few bites so I am under that....

I still like restricting better than purging. There's just too much guessing and doubt with purging. Though, I would like to eat about 5 twix bars right now. I've never been one to craaaave sweets so bad, I usually crave pizza or salty foods. But something about dieting must do this to me. I want: Krispy kreme donuts, twix bars, kit kat bars, chocolate cake, MILK, a box of reeses peanut butter cereal.....

I knew it.

It was that fuckin scale at the M gym that was sabotaging me. Today @ H- 175.5!!!!!! and my home scale is 172.5. I've always gone by the hall gym scale it has less of a margin of error than the M gym....

Today, I've had special k, grapefruit juice, and coffee for breakfast. Lunch was a lean cuisine (170 cal!) tonight is ribs and corn and texas toast. Only I'm going to have a crumpet and only 2 ribs, my total for dinner should be 500. maybe I can just eat one rib....

BFF came over today and had a big drama talk with me. I told her the other day a LITTLE about pro-ana websites. I didn't want her to bust me so I barely told her. So get this. She took that as me suggesting SHE'S anorexic. And she said she was hurt that I said a while back that she might have to get surgery to remove the extra skin on her tummy. Well I also said ya maybe it's fat and lets go on each others livestrong to have a little healthy motivation for each other. I don't really know what, in the end, will solve her tummy dilemma. So I'm always wishy washy about it as a sign to her that I'M OK with whatever she wants to do. I told her not to listen to advice from me so strictly and that I'm too self centered to be worried about what I think she needs to be doing. She's a little self centered too if she thought I was saying she's anorexic. HA! we're all self centered. and that's ok too.

k for dinner I had 430 cals. Total today is 875, and I went to the gym and burned 700 something (swimming mostly). I'm pretty bummed that honey is 60 cals per Tbsp. that's worse than white sugar and it's supposed to be better but I don't want to put myself over a line just for honey in my little sleepytime tea.

Restricted

Restricting is WAAAAAAAAAAAAAY better than purging! Which I'm so pleased to discover because it also works better too. Purging makes me feel retarded, restricting makes me feel light and high. I haven't REALLY lost any weight since last week-still 178 I'm very disappointed to report. I was so pissed that it made me swim harder and feel more determined to eat less and no naughty treats! When I'm weak and "can't" control my appetite, and eat the same dinner as the family, I'm really being a BIG BABY and thinking I should be able to and I eat it and say "so there". RIDICULOUS! haha well I'm glad I learned that lesson pretty early on. I got some pickles, chicken broth, skim milk, pop, special K. Today I've had 1 small banana for breakfast with loaded coffee (going to use skim from now on), a sm nectarine, special K with skim. And I did my legs (weights) and swam for 45 min.

..... it's dinner now. I just fed my family chicken delux quesadillas. I'm eating a stalk of celery. I'm starving, and this fuckin celery actually tastes good to me haha!

my point is: these tricks WORK! I ate pickles and a diet dr pepper for lunch and that's at MOST 10 cals!!! HAHAHAAAAAAAAAA! I'm stoked.

I might have to go to red robin after the meeting--if we go, I'll try to have tea, but if I'm gonna get tortured by everyone elses chili cheese dip, I'll have a garden salad with the dressing on the side. I'll check in after.

YOU CAN TO THIS BITCH!


...... ok so we went to Red Robin and I was SOOOOOOOOOOOO hungry! So I ordered a cobb salad, and cut it up and mixed it all together and then put half of it in a box to go home. Then, I but the littlest bit of ranch I could live with and I ate that and a COUPLE fries. total cals 450-ish... I did put the rest in the fridge, but I might throw it out in the morning cuz that's nasty, I'm not gonna want to eat a blobby salad. total intake for today=935 I burned 750 at the gym.... that's pretty darn good I THINK...

chuggin along

today my intake was 976 (1000)I haven't been to the gym in like 4 days! gross, I'm going tomorrow. M gym- and I'm gonna do some heavy weights and then swim...

I threw up twice today. The first time was lunch. I need to only just MAKE the amount of lunch I'm ok with keeping because if I make more, I'll eat more. I need to REALLY really try to restrict more. I feel so much better than if I loose control and have to purge. throwing up just makes me feel so stoned or retarded or something. that happened especially bad with dinner because I didn't drink enough while eating and it was hard to get back up....
bluh

I DID do my ab routine on the floor once today.

SO, tomorrow's a new day. I'm honestly going to be depressed if I have gained weight, or not lost AT ALL. I was 178 the last I checked at the gym.....

whomp

Today, I did good, I nibbled when we went to the farmer market. Only had a cracker and one salami for lunch. Dinner was burgers- I ate a spring mix first, then my burger which I gave back until I saw greens. Gross? Well, It came back SOOOO easy again so..... And I just really can't see how only 30 - 50% of purged food comes back up. I mean, MAYBE if you were binging for hours and the food on top of food pushed some down too far to be purged? I don't know. I puked that whole burger I'm sure of it... Anyway, then I just had a little sandwich and an aranciata, and I'm gonna have one of those jello mousse's for 60 cals.... and still I should be under 1200 for the day. I counted 25% of my burger. I just CANT count more than that.....

HUH! I'm eating this Jello Mousse deal and it's pretty good! usually "sugar free" actually tastes like nasty chemicals. I can't taste artificial sweetener at all. Texture is a bit plasticky, but I can handle that.

The other thing about today is that I got the whomp super bad. Like the worst I can remember maybe since I quit drinking.... I took one quick trim, and a couple hours later I got my power pops in the mail and tried that--that was actually after purging my dinner. I don't know what food or combination gave me this super bad painful gas that is STUCK in my chest practically.


zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

I can do it!

I ate abt 1300 calories today. I did my stomach exercises and others-legs, back, butt. just a bit on the floor a couple of different times. I can suck in my gut like I haven't been able to in I dont know how long. I feel less bloated, lighter. I LOVE IT. I have a stomach ache a lot, but it's worth it. I know 1300 is still a lot and I have to get it down even more. But I also know I CAN. I ate a stupid pastry for breakfast--250 cals plus 100 for loaded coffee. which is all a waste I normally don't do.

I have to go to bed, we're going to the farmers market in the morning. It's hard to count cals on the weekend.... hmmmm

I want to start keeping lists of things to do and structure my day better. I need help with this, I think I'll ask R--no kidding.

no sleep

I went to bed at 1:30 last night and S got up at 6:30 :( Of course I tried to snooze on the couch but that's not real sleep. This is gonna be a tough day. I think I should "eat normal"... It's HARD to restrict and I just don't know if I have the strength.... I'll try to follow my live strong counter, we'll see how I do.