ugh

I'm hungry! today I've eaten:

Breakfast 95
~coffee
~1/2 apple

snack 33
~graham cracker

lunch 320
~Green Tea Jamba Macha

snack 140
~trader joes corn puffs

dinner 250
~soup
~cornbread

snack 145
~graham cracker
~toast
egg whites


total 990
with my workout that makes me only NET 250ish which IS my goal, but I am still tripping that it's too much. I'm just so fuckin starving. I THINK I've lost 1.5 pounds since last week. Is that enough for this torture?? NO but I think I should give any torture at least two weeks before I try to tweek it. I can do it. I can FOR SURE DO IT, cuz I AM doing it and I'm not going to die--I'm going to be skinny and lengthy and flexible!!!

DAMMIT!!!!

Periods suck. Period

so, after the bookstore on my birthday, we came home before I was ready but M didn't feel good. So yesterday we did the NW downtown thing like a normal sat. First we went to the mall and I got a free build a bear (really the boys are playing with it). Then we went downtown and I got a free Noodle's and Co bowl. And this was cool: I was leaning toward Pad Thai, but then I looked at the nutritional info and the pad Thai was 700 cals, but the Bankok curry was only 490! So, I went with the curry and it was more delish anyway. Then we went to Brother's for a little bday cake, which I had a little piece of. I did FINE all weekend--stayed under 1200 and I worked out. But then today, I had my period SO bad! It was worse than I remember it being before I took the pill. It took me till aound 7pm till I wasn't woozy anymore. I couldn't drive it was that bad. UHG. lemme do my livestrong to at least estimate what I did all day.......

ok, so I did ok. We got donuts tonight! but even if I didn't puke mine, I'm still under so..... I didn't work out. And I know purging doesn't work best, but I'm not trying to digest that crap.

the big three five

I didn't eat krispy kremes or any of that super naughty stuff. But I did eat a lil bowl of special K and then a couple bites of C's chocolate rice crispy's --250 cals maybe? So then I did a 30 min yoga last night to kind of make up for it. I haven't done yoga in almost a year and I was actually sweating even though it's a pretty mellow routine! sheeze-

Today is my birthday I'm THIRTY FIVE BLUH. I'm going to the gym in a little bit. I'm having a dry crumpet for breakfast with coffee. we're getting a babysitter and going to see Eat Pray Love, and then going to a fancy italian dinner. REALLY FANCY like $30 a plate. I'm going to be really good all day. After that I think we'll come get the kids and go to dessert.

I'll update this post after the gym if my weight's changed... ;->

~ SO, dinner was ok, the movie was OK. Then we went to gelato (!) for dessert, and the bookstore for fun. Gelato didn't even totally ruin my day because I was SOOOOOO good all before dinner and everything. I didn't go over my 1200 absolute limit AND I worked out 700 cals.... And I lost .5 lb. I don't know if that's exactly noteworthy, but .5 a day is 3.5 a week -still totally healthy right?

so motivated

Today I went to H gym again and I was 174.5. I lost a pound in one day! RAD! I only had a nectarine and coffee for breakfast so I was so weak at the gym and starving. I wanted to just give up after 30 min. But then as I was swimming, I realized I can break 170 by the middle of next week if I kick ass, so I kept at it for 50 min.

Today I've had a nectarine, coffee, and a lean cuisine. Tonight is Mexican chicken. I calculated dinner as 500 cals, so I can try to leave a few bites so I am under that....

I still like restricting better than purging. There's just too much guessing and doubt with purging. Though, I would like to eat about 5 twix bars right now. I've never been one to craaaave sweets so bad, I usually crave pizza or salty foods. But something about dieting must do this to me. I want: Krispy kreme donuts, twix bars, kit kat bars, chocolate cake, MILK, a box of reeses peanut butter cereal.....

I knew it.

It was that fuckin scale at the M gym that was sabotaging me. Today @ H- 175.5!!!!!! and my home scale is 172.5. I've always gone by the hall gym scale it has less of a margin of error than the M gym....

Today, I've had special k, grapefruit juice, and coffee for breakfast. Lunch was a lean cuisine (170 cal!) tonight is ribs and corn and texas toast. Only I'm going to have a crumpet and only 2 ribs, my total for dinner should be 500. maybe I can just eat one rib....

BFF came over today and had a big drama talk with me. I told her the other day a LITTLE about pro-ana websites. I didn't want her to bust me so I barely told her. So get this. She took that as me suggesting SHE'S anorexic. And she said she was hurt that I said a while back that she might have to get surgery to remove the extra skin on her tummy. Well I also said ya maybe it's fat and lets go on each others livestrong to have a little healthy motivation for each other. I don't really know what, in the end, will solve her tummy dilemma. So I'm always wishy washy about it as a sign to her that I'M OK with whatever she wants to do. I told her not to listen to advice from me so strictly and that I'm too self centered to be worried about what I think she needs to be doing. She's a little self centered too if she thought I was saying she's anorexic. HA! we're all self centered. and that's ok too.

k for dinner I had 430 cals. Total today is 875, and I went to the gym and burned 700 something (swimming mostly). I'm pretty bummed that honey is 60 cals per Tbsp. that's worse than white sugar and it's supposed to be better but I don't want to put myself over a line just for honey in my little sleepytime tea.

Restricted

Restricting is WAAAAAAAAAAAAAY better than purging! Which I'm so pleased to discover because it also works better too. Purging makes me feel retarded, restricting makes me feel light and high. I haven't REALLY lost any weight since last week-still 178 I'm very disappointed to report. I was so pissed that it made me swim harder and feel more determined to eat less and no naughty treats! When I'm weak and "can't" control my appetite, and eat the same dinner as the family, I'm really being a BIG BABY and thinking I should be able to and I eat it and say "so there". RIDICULOUS! haha well I'm glad I learned that lesson pretty early on. I got some pickles, chicken broth, skim milk, pop, special K. Today I've had 1 small banana for breakfast with loaded coffee (going to use skim from now on), a sm nectarine, special K with skim. And I did my legs (weights) and swam for 45 min.

..... it's dinner now. I just fed my family chicken delux quesadillas. I'm eating a stalk of celery. I'm starving, and this fuckin celery actually tastes good to me haha!

my point is: these tricks WORK! I ate pickles and a diet dr pepper for lunch and that's at MOST 10 cals!!! HAHAHAAAAAAAAAA! I'm stoked.

I might have to go to red robin after the meeting--if we go, I'll try to have tea, but if I'm gonna get tortured by everyone elses chili cheese dip, I'll have a garden salad with the dressing on the side. I'll check in after.

YOU CAN TO THIS BITCH!


...... ok so we went to Red Robin and I was SOOOOOOOOOOOO hungry! So I ordered a cobb salad, and cut it up and mixed it all together and then put half of it in a box to go home. Then, I but the littlest bit of ranch I could live with and I ate that and a COUPLE fries. total cals 450-ish... I did put the rest in the fridge, but I might throw it out in the morning cuz that's nasty, I'm not gonna want to eat a blobby salad. total intake for today=935 I burned 750 at the gym.... that's pretty darn good I THINK...

chuggin along

today my intake was 976 (1000)I haven't been to the gym in like 4 days! gross, I'm going tomorrow. M gym- and I'm gonna do some heavy weights and then swim...

I threw up twice today. The first time was lunch. I need to only just MAKE the amount of lunch I'm ok with keeping because if I make more, I'll eat more. I need to REALLY really try to restrict more. I feel so much better than if I loose control and have to purge. throwing up just makes me feel so stoned or retarded or something. that happened especially bad with dinner because I didn't drink enough while eating and it was hard to get back up....
bluh

I DID do my ab routine on the floor once today.

SO, tomorrow's a new day. I'm honestly going to be depressed if I have gained weight, or not lost AT ALL. I was 178 the last I checked at the gym.....