sex is the cure

On th I was planning a binge, we do it for like 30 straight min seriously it was a long one, I don't eat a THING after and go to bed. Just right now, I was planning a binge, we just did it again for a marathon session, binge urge is gone. I'm on to something.......

last night, no do it: binge/purge. But my weight was 158.5 this morning so that didn't ruin my life or anything. These crazy long do-it's make me almost puke I have so many orgasms and I guess I probably get a rush of chemicals in my brain.

I NEVER eat like that!

I really never do, I've been SO GOOD and not purging, like maybe only once in 2 weeks! But once I started, my mouth was on like auto pilot. It's SO much better to just NOT EAT any treats at all. But then, to be honest, throwing up last night wasn't as bad as I feared, and today I'm 158.5. I kept teetering after I reached 159. Back up to 160,161. Yesterday afternoon I was 161!!!! So, I'm HAPPY today to be 158.5 really happy. I gotta go to the gym.

bender

Today, it feels like there is NOTHING in the whole world to do except eat. We went to the birthday party of a friend in AA--it was her "real" birthday. and she's 18. Her DAD is only ONE year older than M. That was pretty gross. Shes an aa friend, plus only 18 so they weren't really getting loose which is fine--they shouldn't be! But when we left we were like "what choo wanna do" and we couldn't think of anything! so we came home to watch x-files (DORKS). I ate a bowl of popcorn, then S's quesadilla, then some ice cream, then a bowl of peanut butter crunch. I'm gonna have to puke. DANGIT I really hope that doesn't just make me feel worse..... But I'm sorry. I CAN'T just go to bed now with this million gallons of crap in my stomach.

before and during

I've lost 29 pounds and it's hard to believe and I'm ecstatic. I LOVE putting these pictures together, and I'm SOOOOO glad I have before pictures. I have tried to avoid cameras for years now but a few candid shots have happened and now I'm SO GLAD. I'll put some of those up one day too.

back to basics

So this blog is SUPPOSED to be about my jouney through recovery, not my journey into complete perfect skinnyness. There's a lot more to me than just I'm obsessed with calories right now and I have a place to share about that.

Things have been going super as far as AA. I've just been coasting along. Not getting too deep into anything. I've been playing on the computer too much--avoiding... I guess that's the one "bad" thing I've been doing. I've been getting involved at the school. We've been struggling in my homegroup. We don't have a place to have the meeting, every week it's up in the air. The subject of moving came up. At first i was against it, but I kind of hope we do now. I'm also gonna be glad when my position (secretary) is up. I want to go to PTC at school once in a while.

oh MAN I'm sleepy

sheeze

I'm bored. everyone is asleep in bed and it's not even 9:30. I loooooooooove my quiet time in the eve after bed. But I just wish I had a game or something.or someone fun to chat with.

bluh, i'm still 165 two weeks later. :( I'm kinda pissed but I'm still going to the gym tomorrow fuck that.

Back to the grind

School started last week. I only went to the gym once last week but this week is a "gym every day" week. Monday and Tuesday was business as usual, and Wednesday BFF hosted a fitness walk at the nature park. Some other girls went. One of them I'm not TOO keen on hanging out with. I don't personally have anything against her, but BFF has tried to force a friendship between us before which is annoying. Not to mention, this girl has majorly screwed over a couple of other friends so I feel bad out of loyalty to them. I'm just not interested in being her friend but it won't kill me if she's on a fitness walk with me anyway..... Before the walk I went to the gym to do some weight training for 40 mins. I'm SORE today. I might try to run or something really different, then maybe some leg weights, then swimming. We plan on trying to hook up for that fitness walk once a week. But the other girls might be better with a different day so maybe it will just me BFF and I on Wednesdays. She's so funny and excited. I honestly think some of her enthusiasm is silly, but the bottom line is: I walked (hard with a stroller) 3 or 4 times longer than I would have if I was alone. So, silly or not, she's motivating.

I have lost 10 pounds since my last post. I remember having a hard time reaching that 170 goal--it kept taking longer than I thought it should. Then, it took me a full week longer than my plan to reach 165. But still, I lost ten pounds in a month. that's pretty good right?? I have no patience, but I'm not letting any of it urge me to give up. Whenever I whimp out and eat something naughty I throw it up.