Felling Bummed today.

WTF man. I'm really depressed today. This is gonna sound silly but I think its because I skipped the gym two days in a row. I went SO many days in a row, then nothing for 2 days. Husband suggested that's why. We'll see. I'm on my way as soon as I finish breakfast: hot muselix. It got oats, almonds, sunflower seeds, flax seeds, and raisins.

I REALLY need to take a day or two off from purging. Yesterday I probably purged 5 times. It was husbands birthday so I made him and the boys a really yummy meat sauce that simmered all day. I made myself a red sauce with crushed tomatoes, onion, garlic, carrot, mushrooms and olives. I put that over some elbow macaroni and cheese on top of THAT and stuck it in the oven to get it all melty. That was worth 2 rounds of b/ping. I also made a red velvet cake with pecan caramel frosting on the outside and buttercream on the inside. SO moist and delish. After everyone went to bed I had a grilled cheese cuz I made that for my kids for lunch and it was TORTURE not to eat it with them. cookies, cake, grilled cheeze, pasta bake, juice, milk, chips, sour cream! aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
I DID manage to not eat anything at all until afternoon. That's the downfall though. Starving just breeds Bingezombie Attack

so here's the plan for today:
Muselix for breakfast (200)
Whey protein for early lunch (100)
TJ's Curry Tuna for late lunch (200)
Some of that red sauce I made over brown rice for dinner (300)
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Update:
ok, so I did ok till after late lunch :-( after I ate, I started making dinner for my boys and kept "tasting" their dinner bits. I didn't go apeshit, but I ate bites I DIDN't plan on OR want! So I purged before I left for my meeting. Then I went and came back and gave up before I even got home. Big-ish binge. I ate beans, rice, red sauce, cheese, sour cream and tortilla chips. THEN milk, and the last of the red velvet cake and some cookies. Got out as much as I could. I feel dehydrated and swollen.

That's 2 times today. Better than yesterday. Worse than tomorrow.

oh ya, I made it to the gym and it was almost ruined because the hot tub was being drained and I was SOO looking forward to that. I dont' have a heater in my car and I'm ok with that because I know I can get in the hot tub. I almost left but then I just forced myself to get in the pool and swim 40 laps. 1.25 miles.
xo

Another fun "Before/After" Pic

HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!! I WAS SO FAT! GAWD!

Goal Met

Yoga (kristen)
Running- 1 mile (half before, half after) walking 1/2 mile

ALL I've had to eat all day so far is coffe, 1/4 cup of trail mix, and green tea
I'm going to TRY to wait to eat lunch (curry tuna/brown rice/veg) until 3 and then I'm not sure about dinner. I'm trying so hard to restrict but not so bad that I turn into a binge zombie. I mean, Lately I've been b/ping 2 or three times a day. But the foods aren't always the WORST.

I've been to the gym so many days in a row I don't even know how many days sheeze. I haven't been doing Livestrong.com at all lately. It's kind of ruined by b/ping.

I can't believe it though!!! I've lost 48 pounds!! from 188 to 140 today!!!! WOW I'm tickled fucking pink! first goal is 125 and I'm shooting for that by March. Then I DO have a naughty dream to get down to 113.

kickin some ass this week

I've been to the gym every day since Sunday. Here's my schedule:
Monday: Bodypump class, 10 lap swim
Tues: 2000 meter swim (40 laps)
Wed: Bodypump Class, 10 lap swim
Thurs: Run 1 mile, 32 lap (1 mile) swim
Friday: Yoga Class, 10 lap swim
Sat: Bodypump Class, 10 lap swim/ hottub chillout
Sunday: open. Maybe no gym, maybe yoga with husband.

I'm feeling so good. OKOK, I'm gonna add some pictures cuz it's been a while and I can see things that have been hiding for years, like, my jawline! I know it it still looking a little, ummmm, saggy, but it used to just be straight to neck. HEE HEE



Here's a better one I made some adjustments to hue on:


And lastly here's a little collage. The first 2 are from mothers day. Right side photo is from this weekend, same dress. I know you can't see as well in that last one, but JEEZE I was SO FAT!!! Like FOR REAL and that's not me. I don't look right at all in those fat ones.

Lovely Alli

ok to answer a question:
Alli is sewper. I love it. I don't take it ALL the time but sometimes I take it up to 4 times a day. What it does is block 25% of the fat you eat. you're supposed to stay under 19 grams of fat in a meal with alli and anything over that can have negative consequences. AKA: oil leakin from your ass. you know that orange grease on pizza? When you over do it with alli, you get THAT grease floating on the top of the water in the toilet. Mostly I think "oh who cares about a little grease, I REALLY want this mayo in my tuna salad" but then I ALWAYS regret it--it's NOT worth it and then I'm much more careful. When I was loosing the most weight, I would like, eat a lean cuisine for lunch for like 5 grams of fat, AND take the alli and over time, I know for sure that helped over all with my weight loss. I would even take it with my 2 grams of fat splash of almond milk in my coffee. In a day I'd only actually ABSORB 5 or 10 fat grams.... I'd like to still take it lots but it's a little out of my price range right now. :-( I can get it super cheap at costco, but it's still out of my pricerange.

Treatment Effects~gross

HAHA. I made salmon and brown rice (with a smidge of butter) and green beans for dinner. I starved all day so I ATE dinner and didn't purge till hours later when I binged on cereal. With dinner I took an Alli and I'm having the WORST 'treatment effects' I've ever experienced with it. I know salmon is pretty fatty and I DID use a little bit of butter with the rice. But I've eaten WAY worse stuff and had less "effects"..... SOOOOO GROSS

I went to the gym and I was late for yoga so I got irritated and left. I'm going back in an hour when it's not too crowded and irritating. Yesterday I ran, did some legs and back on weights, then swam. Probably do the same today.

xo

starved

I was feeling a bit under the weather since sunday. I went to the gym for 3 hours sat and sunday and then nothing mon-tue-wed. I also didn't purge and I only KIND of didn't binge. I nibbled a BIT on a couple naughty things but I didn't go apeshit. I did get back to the gym today. And so far I've only had a banana and a handful of trailmix. I'm making salmon and brown rice for dinner. I'm fuckin starved! ugh. Like in the headache nausea way. I'm having a cup of green tea and I got agave so I'm trying that. it's good but WHAT THE FUCK it's sixty cals per tbsp! I just don't get how that's supposed to be better than sugar. I mean I understand about the glycemic index bs. But SIXTY calories?? I could eat an EGG for that much jeeze.

oh, I didn't gain anything these last few days of no action. thank GOD. today I weighed with my clothes on (jeans and even shoes) so I'd get freaked out and not flake on the gym and it worked. haha