2 steps forward, 1/2 step back

Still, I'm moving forward overall ya?

So I did well in the days following my fast. And I don't want to be a big hypocrite, but I can't lie and this IS part of my journey SO: I purged on Sunday. Husband did a 1 day fast on Sunday. I didn't join him, so I could be a good support. One of us has to be fully functioning. I have a good friend/mentor/father figure who's in the hospital now. The doctors gave him 24 hours (to live) on Sunday morning, and as far as I know he's still with us, but there's little (no) hope of recovery. Anyway, I was at the hospital a lot this weekend and couldn't bother with worrying too much about what I ate. STILL, I ate well (very little) all day. I made this for dinner:

Salad Rolls with Lemongrass soup
Made all from scratch by ME. this meal was less than 200 cal and Before that during the day I only had juices. I was making them for hubby anyway and they're good for me....

But then I made the kids Ramen---Saporro Ichiban Ramen, and that's the best I love it. Making it for them turned on my monster. That is so easy to purge! But the reason purging doesn't work for me is this: Once I do it, I ALWAYS end up eating peanut butter on my way to bed or in the middle of the night. And I don't purge that.

Yesterday morning, I woke up and had a peanut butter and jelly sandwich because I decided to try to eat regular meals. I think "eating regular meals" is a common theme for us today huh girls? Anyway, I ate that right. Then I went to the gym and my friend met me who is thinking of joining. She's watched me get skinny and she was like "I want you to help me". She's already got a pretty good body but she's not in shape and OH if she gets in shape she's gonna look so good! So that's my project and she JOINED the gym yesterday woo hoo! I gave her a work out and she wanted to take me to lunch. What was I gonna say? I TRIED to avoid it but I really couldn't. So then! Another confession: I ate a turkey sandwich! OH Man, it was good too. haha Then for dinner I had a lean cuisine and I DIDN'T purge last night. so that was good. OH I almost forgot: yesterday, after the purge sunday night, I had little hickey spots around my eyes. Makeup DID cover it up, but OMG. that's the first time I've noticed that. Cant be good for wrinkles or puffieness and that's a motivator for me, cuz, um I'm a kid at heart but I'm 35 in real life and starting to see age around my eyes. :-(

Right now I'm having International Foods French Vanilla Cafe-a wollop of empty BS calories. It's so good :-( AAAAAAAAAAAAAAH

Then, I'm off to the gym. I'm gonna run and swim today.
xo

huge fight yuk

Husband and I just got in a HUGE fight about money. Tears, the whole shebang. It sucked and I'm just drained.

I haven't binged since Saturday--before the juice fast. I really feel like that fast changed my life. I don't want to be over dramatic. AND I'm not saying I'll never binge and purge again. But it really taught me about myself! You know, I quit drinking a few years ago. Then I quit smoking a year or so after that. When I was doing the fast it was MOMENT TO MOMENT struggle with myself. I had never experienced that before. When I quit drinking, I had no doubt and I WAS relieved of the obsession to drink. (it was hard and a sickening struggle but in a different way-long story) When I quit smoking, I was taking a medication (wellbutrin) for other mental issues, that is apparently a quit smoking aid. But during the fast, I could have stopped the fast at any time. I had a million excuses and I didn't' even NEED an excuse. It was SO HARD and I did it. Taught me a lot about just waiting a little while longer for that nasty treat "you can have it later", but then never even having it. So I win.

I was constantly fighting the habitual urge to toss something in my mouth. I'm making food for kids and in the kitchen a lot through the day. One day, we went to the zoo and "had a picnic"--they ate and I took pictures and giggled manically like I wasn't starved. That was particularly rough because I couldn't drink the juice I made even!! Something was weird and wrong with it and we were on public trans, not home so I just had to make do without. I Cheated--I still drank coffee (ONCE in the mornings). But other than that I had NO candy, NO diet soda, NO nothing to drink that I didn't make myself. I did have herbal teas..... There were several moments when I was standing in the middle of the living room looking around thinking I should be doing something right now, I need a candy, or gum. Then had to face the reality, that my comfort would not come from putting something in my mouth. That's like hitting a wall and it's just a complete surrender. Very Grateful I had the opportunity to experience the self awareness.

Yesterday was my first day back to eating. I waited till around 4pm to eat anything substantial. Had a salad, dollop of soup, an egg and a toast. I wanted 2 toasts, but I thought "1 will totally be fine" and it was. BIG change right there. Then today I had a few bites of pineapple for breakfast-spread through the morning. A "trio" bar (nuts, seeds, fruit--3 things hence trio) during the lunch time. Then at dinner I had mall food court thai salad rolls and lemongrass soup. Total for the whole day 550 cals which I REALLY can't believe but that's according to my calorie tracker and I even added a few extra. anyway my point is-I'M NOT HUNGRY. That's unbelievable right? Before I COULDN'T NOT eat! and too much too--peanut butter SPREAD on to cookies?? whole milk, cereal, cheese, chips, sour cream, on and on...... I'm telling you guys--this cleanse was like a reset button. Husband and I are going to do it for Sunday. He was like "but you JUST did it"--but dude, it's so empowering and NOT scary. I think every Sunday is a SUPER idea. I might do sun - tues every other week till I get down to my goal weight.

Speaking of weight: I "only" lost 5 pounds BUT ok, here's my thinking. I was taking 3 dulcolax every night and 4 diurex pills every day. My fluid retention probably evened out as I was loosing from the fast. PLUS all those juices are close to 1000 cal a day because I was doing the medium difficulty level which has several fruit juices. I'm VERY inclined to take a dulcolax or two tonight and hit the diuretics hard again but maybe this is a good opportunity to let all that be reset too and the weight will come off and I won't be stuck in that horrible laxative cycle.... I can do my next couple fasting days on the most "difficult" level--those are ALL green juices and only MAX 800 cals a day.

OMG HANA Thank you so much for the award! I will do my duty with regards to that ASAP ok XOXO

Success

I did the whole 3 days and even went till 4pm today before I ate. I just couldn't-I didn't want to eat the wrong thing and get a stomach ache. Plus the only thing that sounded good was this grapefruit-avocado salad I had planned for lunch. Can't eat that for breakfast. anyway! It went really well and I feel sewper and I lost like 5 pounds. We'll see tomorrow.

Have you guys watched "skins"? I kinda like it. All the drugs kinda traumatize me, too many memories I guess. I'm STILL (avoiding) working on the "drug" post I mentioned before. So still stay tuned for that haha.

Ya, I definitely like this show. In case any of you IS a fan, i'm watching the "cadie" episode. cray zay

DAY 3 WOW

1. Greens with apple
~spinach
~kale
~2 apples
~1/2 cucumber
~parsley
~1 lemon
~1 med beet
*trim/clean all that, put it through the juicer....
2. Blueberry-Banana_peach
*all fruits are frozen, add rice milk and blend till smooth.
3. grapefruit-strawberry-mint
*trim/clean and juice
4. Grape-cucumber-pear
*Trim/clean all that, put it through the juicer.
5. greens with apple (same as #1)
6. Raw Chocolate Milk

I have bodypump on Wednesdays. I'm worried I won't be able to hang for the whole class, so I'm gonna skip it and do my own workout. I do want to actually get sweaty today. I have been taking it so easy-afraid to go overboard. But I'm in the home stretch, sweating will be a good thing. I'll do some weights and then go sit in the sauna. Maybe I'll run a little first.

more fun pictures

This is a picture of my thighs. I was inspired to take this for my friend who was worried "if you loose anymore weight you'll look anorexic"
oh really? hmmmmm


And THIS is a picture of my extra boob (stomach) when I bend over.

No big deal right? who ever bends over anyway? Um, I happen to have a very active sex life and "bending over" happens almost every time. AND we have mirrored closet doors (pictured). Can you imagine now, the FLAPPING that happens?? That shit bounces me into the next room!It's pretty traumatizing. I THINK it's getting better as I loose weight and work out lots. So I have hope that I won't 100% need plastic surgery. not on my stomach anyway. Keep your fingers crossed.

Blue Print Cleanse Day 2

I'm REALLY impressed with myself. Here's what I'll have today:

1. Greens with apple
~spinach
~kale
~2 apples
~1/2 cucumber
~parsley
~1 lemon
*trim/clean all that, put it through the juicer....
2. Cherry-Banana_peach
*all fruits are frozen, add rice milk and blend till smooth.
3. grapefruit-strawberry-mint
*trim/clean and juice
4. Pineapple-Raspberry-Mint
*All fruits are frozen, add rice milk and blend till smooth.
5. greens with apple (same as #1)
6. Raw Chocolate Milk

Numbers 2 & 4 above are blended smoothies, so I didn't make them ahead of time. SO they're not in the picture. I'm drinking my first green drink right now. Then I'll whip up #2 and head to the sauna. I felt pretty tired and kinda like I had the flu last night. My throat hurt and I just felt like crud. But I feel fine this morning and I'm chugging right along. Yesterday at the gym I felt so badass. As this green juice is absorbed, I feel it's going to be the same today. I'm superman. xo

Cattails for a name?

ok, so truthfully, my last name is Catt_ _ _ _. Which is handy.
anyway, "I'm thinking" is a dumb name, and really was meant to be a filler while I decided on a real name. I haven't given it much thought but Cattails came to me and I like it what do you think?

what about Cattail Reflection? ooooh that's neat too.