To answer a question

THIS, Peri, is a Stum Flap


and now I will add another shameless bikini pic to make up for the embarrassment of sharing that. No one else in the world ever sees that kinda detail of my gross tummy. Check out those cray zay stretch marks.... My C-Section makes it worse because the scar causes it to pull inward. Like they sewed me shut SO tight so there's forever a pucker there. I can smooth it out though its my fuckin mission! I'm so determined fuck that!

In the target change room with my cell phone, everything is just a tad blurry and no one needs to know the truth.


xo

I need new lingerie

I've been looking all over and I found some I like that's around $30 an outfit. Totally doable. Soon... Tonight I asked M if he wanted me to wear thigh highs and a garter belt. He said ya. So I put on a bunch of odds n ends that don't match and it looked stupid so I only kept on the thigh highs.... these exact ones. All the candles in the room were lit, I put on Neutrogena Body Oil so I was shiny in the candlelight and SO TAN. my Stum flap is TOTALLY almost gone you guys. I bent over in a sexy pose when he walked in it was perfect. It all just keeps getting better. Our sex life is SO amazing and I love it and I'm not self conscious the whole time.

totally cute and cheap outfits

Just went to the thrift store and got a couple of CUTE things.

First, This LeTigre Skirt. SO cute! Size 1/2 (OMFG) There are pockets under the flaps. That shirt belongs to my 8 year old son. sweet







Next, We have a lovely Bebe Top size 6 and Express Cuffed Capri's size 4. EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!



I haven't eaten all day. I woke up with a cold FUCK. AND I started my period OMG I just remembered I went to victoria secret and tried something cute on..... one sec let me download that pic.....I know I didn't need to say all that "hang on let me down load it" stuff......
Isn't that cute?? I didn't buy that though. Its just fun for me these days to go JUST to try shit on. Husband watches the kids, I go have some fun. I tried to go to fredericks last night with the kiddos while daddy was at a soccer game (portland timbers). But that was a fiasco. The little one ended up hurting himself while I was in the change room. I had one boob hanging out of this "totally inappropriate for my 8 year old to see mom in" ridiculous thing, and he DID see me. it was just embarassing. I said "this is NOT cute" and he goes, "ya it is!!" wrong.......

Tonight we're going downtown to Powells Books and I'm going to sneak away to Sparticus. Its an adult store across the street and Husband said I can have some alone time there to try on more fun stuff. Maybe buy something.

Like I said, I haven't eaten all day. Trying on clothes is total motivation to tighten up more. I'm gonna do some crunches and more on the floor right now. my stum flap is getting smaller. Tonight I WILL eat, but I'll most likely purge too....
xo

Key Lime Pie

I had Key lime pie on Easter for the fist time and it was love at first bite. I got some again yesterday- Edwards single serving in the freezer section. it's single serve but it really has 2 servings you're supposed to share. HAHAHA! no way of course I ate it all by my hog self. I did my usual purge from lunch on yesterday and yes, so far today. I ave been having a harder time getting started purging, but I'm also better at getting it all out in the end. It's like I get more mad from the beginning being so hard.... I shove my fist up under my ribs, bend over, shove half the other hand down my throat........

Today for lunch we had a Gyros sandwich and the Gyro meat was gross. it was like the beef in a can of dinty moore stew Tasted kinda like dogfood smells. But everything else about the sandwich is redeeming. I also got an extra side of babaganouj. UGH! so good. and now my tummy is empty and growling because I purged it all and that feels even better. :-(

I feel bad "bragging" about that. but I did it and it's part of my deal. so there's that.

bony ass

I love feeling my bony wrists, and feet, and hip bones
and seeing my ribs and muscles.

I'm gonna go veg for reals again on Mothers day. I just need a special day to make it important ya know? not doing it for my mom or anything. you know, now that I think about it, my weight was STUCK for the months I was being veg. maybe I should make my date the 4th of july or something. I should be down to an acceptable weight to get stuck at by then. I dont know. I dont' want to wait that long. I got sick a lot too!? but it was winter and there was shit going around. coincidence? FUCK. now I don't know. but how could juicing and eating WELL get me sick all the time. I can see the weight stuck thing--I was eating plenty of fruit and treats too. But sick? dang. Well, I can just keep experimenting....

Maybe a juice fast is in order to kick off, and get me off the b/ping.....

check it

I'm 127 today!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! unreal unreal!!!



I've gone to the gym every day for 17 days WOOT. I went to Target JUST to TRY some bikini's. I got a sick thrill of excitement before I went. I have NEVER had a good experience trying on clothes there. They have the best mirrors, angled just so you can see your own ass straight on without turning. For years and years I couldn't believe the reality of my fatness so I would pick clothes (not just at target,at any store, I barely shop at target for myself) that were really too small but I didn't WANT to need the bigger ones. I'd rather wear sweats or pajamas all the time than get cute plus size shit. Anyway, whenever I've tried on clothes, they never fit and it's depressing and I want to die after. The very last time that happened was when I got workout clothes at JC Penny's. I still bought what would fit and now that stuff FALLS to the ground. Ever since that, whenever I go to try on stuff, it's gotten smaller and smaller to my utter delight. I NEVER in my dreams thought I could fit in a bikini. Those are MADE for teenagers. I fit in the med bottoms and small tops. SMALL. Now I'm mulling over actually BUYING one of these and wearing it to the pool this summer. We'll see. I probably will. I'm still loosing weight and tightening more and getting tan. I'm gonna be that MILF at the pool I've always stared at with envy. YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAY

Highway to the danger zone?

So I had this low blood sugar attack the other night as the result of purging ( I think). the next day, Yesterday, I went out for lunch with my little guy. I just reached a major milestone in my weight, 129. It wouldn't kill me to KEEP my lunch down. Normally, I'm home at lunch time, so if I eat it's no big to purge. SO I usually eat something not so sensible for lunch, Or just hog out like a beast. But yesterday we were out so I thought, I can't purge and that's OK. I had a BIG bowl of noodles stir fried with veggies and tofu in a thai sauce. I was full. It was yummy. Then I started rethinking my errands for the rest of the outing and thinking of ways I could just go home real quick. :-( I ended up coming home to purge. Now, even when I PLAN to be ok with eating a meal and keeping it in, once I eat it, my mind starts racing and I feel gross regret and have to get rid of it. I want to say, who cares? If I'm 118 and THEN I still feel like I can't keep down a meal, then maybe that's a problem. Or really, if I'm 113.... But isn't that just a sign that there's a problem? What IS the problem? I think that as long as I stay honest with myself and keep talking about it, it's OK! I DO want to be 113 lbs! and I CAN that's totally not out of line or anything I looked it up. That's still a BMI of 18.5. And I'm getting SO FIT a BMI can totally get thrown off by muscle. So I'm prepared to continue reevaluating. Like if I'm 120 and I look good and have lots of muscles and no fatty bits, Cool. I'm pretty sure I'll NEVER stop having fatty bits though. well, we'll see huh.

xo