stitches WHERE? TMI post

Wow I did it! BiLateral Labiaplasty!  It hurts really bad! But I'll live. OK so heres how it went:

First of all, from the minute it was scheduled I was afraid I would get a panic attack. My dr told me that if I was having trouble sleeping or functioning she'd perscribe something to help (valium). But I really wanted to try to be brave and not use drugs, just wait till surgery day to worry about it. Well the day before surg I went in for a pre appt where they did an EKG and drew blood and went over everything. Well THAT got me all panicky feeling. So I called the dr for something JUST for that one day. I felt like I was whimping out but I'M SO glad I did it. I asked for everyone to give me good vibes and help me be brave. I have always been THE BIGGEST baby about shots and drs appointments and I was SO brave and I'm just so proud that I trusted the drs to take good care of me and they did. The anesthesiologist called me the night before and went over everything. I had taken that valium by then and I was honest with her about my alcoholism just so she'd know my chemical history. My sponsor told me to do that and I didn't mind but the anesthesiologist didn't seem to care. She was very kind though. So then when I checked in in the morning, they got me all situated in a special gown: Its made of paper (very soft paper) and it has a hook up for a warm air blower to blow it up like a warm balloon and kept me so cozy! Then the nurse said the anesthesiologist had ordered me a valium if I wanted, I said yes please! then they drew more blood and got my IV started. Then we waited around for about an hour. Once it was time to go back, the dr and team (another nurse and the anesthesiologist) came in and met my husband and he left. 2pm ish.  They gave me a nice (REALLY NICE) something in my IV to help me be SO relaxed I wasn't scared in the slightest. She said she was going to give me the go to sleep medicine and that was it. next thing I know I'm in the first recovery, where they woke me up and fed me ice chips and got me DOPED up on dilaudid. I didnt know what that was but it erased any pain. my pain at that point was just a stinging feeling. But I was numb too. I guess they didn't want me to feel ANY pain. Then I was able to go back to the "short stay" area where my husband could come back. It was 5pm! That dilaudid made me SUPER nauseous and they gave me something in my IV for that and it worked. Then a bit later they gave me a little dose of fentanyl which did NOT make me sick and TOTALLY erased the pain. But that wore off in about 20 min and it hurt like fuck. I'm having a hard time staying ahead of my pain. When I got home last night after 8 I passed out on the couch for a while, then my husband made me some fries and went to bed. I almost puked. SO many drugs all day, totally caught up with me.  I have stitches all the way up both inner labia. I took before pictures and once it heals, I'll take afters...

I need a nap. zzzzzzzzzz

December fun time

SO! I have my surgery set for Jan 3rd. Can you believe this is happening? I can not. My doctor ordered me to put it in a box and put it away until that day. I completely 100% trust her and the decision has been made. But I must admit some conflicted feelings have come up. I feel like a hypocrite because I'm SO ANTI circumcision. Kay there's that and also, because I used to bad trip (on drugs) on the possibility of someone torturing me by paper cutting or nail clippering me "down there". Sometimes, not even stoned I would bug out about it. I know that sounds ridiculous and it's been years since I really even thought about it. But I swear, some friends who knew me back then wouldn't believe that I would do something like this. At the same time I am PROUD of myself for saying what I need and asking for help. My doctor pointed this out to me. She said, "You asked for help, and you NEED help and I want to help you". I WILL take before and after pictures.

I STILL haven't purged!! WOO HOO! I came super close once last week but I've told so many people in AA I just couldn't. I couldn't imagine telling all those people I "relapsed". They would be so understanding but that did help me to have strength. It's been over a month - close to 2. I haven't been on a scale in a week or so but I'm hovering around 140.

I'm also still 100% vegan--plant strong.. I eat VERY well and I think my hair is getting better. My skin is definitely better. I take vitamins--they say to take 4 per day, and I only take 1.

Speaking of AA, I just celebrated my 5th year clean and sober on Dec 1. I went to this really big meeting in Portland to get a coin. Its a "speaker meeting" so there are speakers who stand at the front and talk for 10 & 30 mins. Also, all the people who are getting coins must go to the podium, say their name and sobriety date. I said "my name is Jenn and I'm an alcoholic. December 1st, 2007." and everyone claps and I had lots of friends there so lots of "woot!!"'s Other than that, no one talks except for the speaker who talks for an hour. THEN I chaired my homegroup meeting the following tuesday. I sat at the front and I didn't really talk about my story because I was co-chairing with 2 other people. I just shared about step 6 "were entirely ready to have God remove all these defects of character". I shared that because I recently went on a beach retreat with some aa ladies and we worked on that step and it was AMAZing. It's a really important step.

well I'm sorry if any of this was boring :-) Love all you ladies and thanks for reading
xoxo

updates

Purging: I'm STILL purge free WOAH!!! let me look at the calendar, that's 25 days! I can't believe it. I think I'm done. I have had a couple of stress out episodes where I REALLY wanted to but I thought of my hair and skin and I just don't want to go back. It doesn't make me skinny. I HAVE gained a few pounds and I'm pissed about that but in order to loose weight by purging, I have to do it all the time and get malnourished and I still run into a wall with loosing, it's just not worth it. I have NOT been restricting. I've taken some good time to get nice and hydrated and healthy, I am feeling itchy to start to really count calories again and try to lessen my intake just a little bit. I've been eating 1500 - 2000 cals per day--TOTALLY vegan. Usually for breakfast I'll have a rice/quinoa bowl with kale, currants, zucchini, mushroom, lite coconut milk, curry paste, chia seeds. It packs a punch and I COULD go till dinner off of that one meal--this is the type of restricting I'm planning to do. Nothing drastic. Just not so much snacking.

Ladyparts:  I went in last week for a consultation and exam to plan for surgery. I held a mirror to look while she showed me what she could do. It got me excited and glad and I said I'd like to go ahead and schedule it. So she sent a request to the hospital and someone is supposed to call me to get that scheduled. If all goes right, it will happen in December. WOWWOWWOW

10 days

10 days Purge free!!??!! I'm doing it. I went on a weekend retreat with some AA Ladies (friends) 10 days ago and came clean about my ED. It was REALLY SUPER helpful. I made a commitment to my girlfriends and to myself. I've been having problems with my hair still and I KNOW it's from purging. Immediately, I put on 5 pounds. Like in the first 2 or 3 days. Then, it leveled out and started heading back down. I REALLY want to get back to 123 - 128 but at the moment I'm just focusing on not puking, and I feel good. I had 2 episodes where I felt too full and got panicky, but I just talked it out and waited a few min. Tonight was one of them. I layed on the couch and told my husband, and he said "just remember, it's good clean food to nourish you" And it was.

140 lbs. kinda pissed

I didn't throw up all week. Prolly 4 days in a row. I've been making structured dinners and keeping track so I can try to make meal plans. And I gained 5 lbs. I haven't been going to the gym, just once this week. I'm pretty disappointed with myself at the moment I must admit. I also must admit that I threw up tonight.

I AM so happy that I'm healthy in the lady parts. SO stinkin happy. I feel lucky, and blessed and excited that I may be getting my junk fixed soon. On the outside at least. I know I need to address my emotional hurts too. Who knows maybe I'll decide not to do it. I'm pretty scared too jeeze. I'm like an ACTIVIST about circumcision and here I am thinking about a little sniperoo for myself. UGH. this is NOT about it looking better. It's about pain and tearing and infections. I'll talk more about that later but trust me, its not about vanity.

I was having BIG FEELINGS a lot a couple weeks ago and lately it's chilled a bit. I have been keeping very busy so that helps.

Really fast update

My PAP results came back NEGATIVE that means GOOD!!!!! My Cervix is a smooth, plump, and juicy fruit of a Mother Earth Goddess tree. Just kidding. Not really.

Psycho person<----------------------

I'm such a WRECK today AGAIN. I woke up all spaztic and nervous. I had a bad dream right before waking and it just made me feel wrong. I came out to a tidy house and clean kitchen so that was rad (good husband) So I made a batch of granola bars, ate brekk and then we went to the gym. I kicked ASS finally! It was great: I went in the spin class room and had my own little session. listened to fun songs with good cadence and whenever I felt too tired, I got down and did a set of squats. I was sweating GOOD after 20 min. Then I went up and did a full ab routine and some legs. Then I swam 13 laps. It was a good workout. I felt fine after, no anxiety. Then when we got home I had some mail from my sis. It was a picture of me from when I was 10. A black & white, SO cute and artsy. But just looking at it breaks my little heart in two. I can't even tell my sister that. I'm so grateful she sent it. But DAMN it kills me....  I was never a little kid. I had shame and a secret and it's just so wrong. And I feel like I'm whining about this a lot lately and it's probably ruining for some of you.


I was on a trip during the summer to see my sister and her husband in Santa Barbara. They took this picture with a real camera using real film haha. They had a darkroom! And they developed it just like in photo class. VERY cool huh? I don't remember this day, or much of the trip at all actually. I mean, I have tiny blips of memory, and of course pictures to remind me. Then I went to go visit my Daddy in Washington. My parents were divorced when I was 5 and my mom remarried a new dad who already had kids. The bad big brother was one and he came to live with us when I was 8 and he was 15. So by the time I went on this trip, I was already ruined and major things were happening all the time. So I went to see my Daddy and one thing I DO remember about this trip was this: My Daddy had a girlfriend named Rose. She was a little weird but nice and very loving. One day, I got a full blown panic attack. I didn't know that's what it was though. Everything went black and I wanted to DIE. I knew, if I didn't tell Rose about my brother, I WOULD die. So I told her. I remember very specifically where we were sitting and everything. The weird thing is that my memory is totally out of body, like I'm watching myself from across the room. And now, thinking back on that, I just can't believe what happened next...... She told my Daddy right. She told him in private. Couple days later, he and I are driving in the car just the two of us. He goes "so Rose tells me that _______ has been trying some funny business with you" I say "ya" He says, "well the next time that happens you just tell him he better not do that any more".  End of conversation. I WILL concede, I dont think he quite got the extent of it.  But I look at that face in this picture, and if a little child told me anything about ANY FUNNY BUSINESS, I wouldn't just blow it off like that!!!! JEEZE FUCK!! I just can't wrap my head around it. He was SUPPOSED to call my mom and say "you want your daughter back? Kick those scumbags to the curb and I want a copy of the police report before you'll see her again" He was supposed to call her in front of me and say that. So I could #1be rescued and #2 I would KNOW I was worth a good God Damn!!!  I still don't know it. I still don't fucking know it!

I was shell shocked by this picture, but I hadn't had time to process that and THEN hubby and I got in a fight this eve and THAT shell shocked both of us. I really don't think my issue has anything to do with our fight. Well maybe it does. I thought it was because we JUST still to this day sometimes miscommunicate and he hears hostility from me when I'm just trying to ask him to do something. But Shit, you know come to think of it, this probably does have everything to do with my "issues". See here's what happened. Littlest man is sick, I was making dinner, Dad was relaxing. Littlest man whined for attention from dad and dad said "occupy yourself" I got all Mama Bear about it because I feel bad for my Littlest Man who is sick. Here's where my issues come in: I never want my kids to have the slightest inkling of dismissal from us. And when I hear what MIGHT be considered that I bug out. Then we start fighting about who does more around here and meanwhile, the kids are off doing whatever probably rolling their eyes at us.  Sometimes I am dismissive of them myself, but I KNOW the situation: maybe they've been demanding all day and I've given to their demands and nothing is ever good enough so finally I'm like SHOOOOOO!!! But of course it's ok for me to do it but not him......  Now husband is in bed and it was a weird "goodnight"

I hate this. I feel like I've "used up" all my sympathy points with him and he's just over it. Then at the same time I don't think he has the slightest idea of how an innocent nice picture can add up to such turmoil in my brain.

I need to fuckin snap out of it