SEVEN Months later

Jeeze what the fuck!? I cant believe it's been so long since my last post.... Ugh where to begin.

Everything with my surgery healed up great. The most big deal thing that has happened this year is that we've joined a Krishna Temple. Its called ISKCON International Society of Krishna Consciousness. Hubby and I have been on a spiritual quest--to find our right spiritual path, the whole time we've been married. Even before. He read the Mahabarta in the 90's and we've been exposed to the Bhagavad Gita and other Krishna books over the years. It just never stuck before because we weren't living a lifestyle conducive to the practice. There's no judgment or pressure, but there are some regulative principals that we just couldn't follow before so we just never even went too deep. Then, with me in AA, getting in touch with my Higher Power, and hour whole family adopting a plant based diet, we realized that we were already living close to a Vaishnava lifestyle. So hubby started itching to go to the temple again and he took the kids when I was recouping from surgery. He said it was wonderful and I went with him very soon after that. I had a very cynical attitude towards it, because I was just in this funky place with my spirituality. I had been reading a lot of Richard Dawkins and other atheist authors and bloggers. I was getting super bitter about how religion has infiltrated our country's politics and POLICIES. I was seeking out information to disprove Christian fundamentals. Like how the earth is only 6000 years old, no evolution etc... When we went in to that Temple, I promised myself I would reserve judgement until I gave it a real chance, but I fully expected to internally think "this is BS" or "Ya but, science bla bla". But so far, I have YET to come across something that conflicts with my scientific sensibilities. The vedas contain information that is only NOW being confirmed by science, it jives with quantum mechanics. There's a multiverse, reincarnation, karma, a culture I'm attracted to to the CORE. I love it

Theres more to catch up on. but I have to work! I'm AT work right now. I'll tell about that next I promise.

Food matters: I am deep in bulimia as ever. It kind of rules my life I HATE IT I HATE IT I HATE IT! I am in an endless cycle. I barely work out--I don't go to the gym, I plan on it of course but I just haven't got a routine back since last summer! I have been doing lots of little at home exercises like squats, lunges (a hundred a day), push ups, little abs, leg lifts. That sort of thing. But I weigh 143 and I have been stuck there for MONTHS. Purging does NOT help you loose weight. But I still do it. Every time I feel "full". if I start eating, I can't stop, so I feel full every time I eat and its just a matter of time till I eat again. I eat very clean and VEAN for crying out loud. what do I do??

Love you girls <3

stitches WHERE? TMI post

Wow I did it! BiLateral Labiaplasty!  It hurts really bad! But I'll live. OK so heres how it went:

First of all, from the minute it was scheduled I was afraid I would get a panic attack. My dr told me that if I was having trouble sleeping or functioning she'd perscribe something to help (valium). But I really wanted to try to be brave and not use drugs, just wait till surgery day to worry about it. Well the day before surg I went in for a pre appt where they did an EKG and drew blood and went over everything. Well THAT got me all panicky feeling. So I called the dr for something JUST for that one day. I felt like I was whimping out but I'M SO glad I did it. I asked for everyone to give me good vibes and help me be brave. I have always been THE BIGGEST baby about shots and drs appointments and I was SO brave and I'm just so proud that I trusted the drs to take good care of me and they did. The anesthesiologist called me the night before and went over everything. I had taken that valium by then and I was honest with her about my alcoholism just so she'd know my chemical history. My sponsor told me to do that and I didn't mind but the anesthesiologist didn't seem to care. She was very kind though. So then when I checked in in the morning, they got me all situated in a special gown: Its made of paper (very soft paper) and it has a hook up for a warm air blower to blow it up like a warm balloon and kept me so cozy! Then the nurse said the anesthesiologist had ordered me a valium if I wanted, I said yes please! then they drew more blood and got my IV started. Then we waited around for about an hour. Once it was time to go back, the dr and team (another nurse and the anesthesiologist) came in and met my husband and he left. 2pm ish.  They gave me a nice (REALLY NICE) something in my IV to help me be SO relaxed I wasn't scared in the slightest. She said she was going to give me the go to sleep medicine and that was it. next thing I know I'm in the first recovery, where they woke me up and fed me ice chips and got me DOPED up on dilaudid. I didnt know what that was but it erased any pain. my pain at that point was just a stinging feeling. But I was numb too. I guess they didn't want me to feel ANY pain. Then I was able to go back to the "short stay" area where my husband could come back. It was 5pm! That dilaudid made me SUPER nauseous and they gave me something in my IV for that and it worked. Then a bit later they gave me a little dose of fentanyl which did NOT make me sick and TOTALLY erased the pain. But that wore off in about 20 min and it hurt like fuck. I'm having a hard time staying ahead of my pain. When I got home last night after 8 I passed out on the couch for a while, then my husband made me some fries and went to bed. I almost puked. SO many drugs all day, totally caught up with me.  I have stitches all the way up both inner labia. I took before pictures and once it heals, I'll take afters...

I need a nap. zzzzzzzzzz

December fun time

SO! I have my surgery set for Jan 3rd. Can you believe this is happening? I can not. My doctor ordered me to put it in a box and put it away until that day. I completely 100% trust her and the decision has been made. But I must admit some conflicted feelings have come up. I feel like a hypocrite because I'm SO ANTI circumcision. Kay there's that and also, because I used to bad trip (on drugs) on the possibility of someone torturing me by paper cutting or nail clippering me "down there". Sometimes, not even stoned I would bug out about it. I know that sounds ridiculous and it's been years since I really even thought about it. But I swear, some friends who knew me back then wouldn't believe that I would do something like this. At the same time I am PROUD of myself for saying what I need and asking for help. My doctor pointed this out to me. She said, "You asked for help, and you NEED help and I want to help you". I WILL take before and after pictures.

I STILL haven't purged!! WOO HOO! I came super close once last week but I've told so many people in AA I just couldn't. I couldn't imagine telling all those people I "relapsed". They would be so understanding but that did help me to have strength. It's been over a month - close to 2. I haven't been on a scale in a week or so but I'm hovering around 140.

I'm also still 100% vegan--plant strong.. I eat VERY well and I think my hair is getting better. My skin is definitely better. I take vitamins--they say to take 4 per day, and I only take 1.

Speaking of AA, I just celebrated my 5th year clean and sober on Dec 1. I went to this really big meeting in Portland to get a coin. Its a "speaker meeting" so there are speakers who stand at the front and talk for 10 & 30 mins. Also, all the people who are getting coins must go to the podium, say their name and sobriety date. I said "my name is Jenn and I'm an alcoholic. December 1st, 2007." and everyone claps and I had lots of friends there so lots of "woot!!"'s Other than that, no one talks except for the speaker who talks for an hour. THEN I chaired my homegroup meeting the following tuesday. I sat at the front and I didn't really talk about my story because I was co-chairing with 2 other people. I just shared about step 6 "were entirely ready to have God remove all these defects of character". I shared that because I recently went on a beach retreat with some aa ladies and we worked on that step and it was AMAZing. It's a really important step.

well I'm sorry if any of this was boring :-) Love all you ladies and thanks for reading
xoxo

updates

Purging: I'm STILL purge free WOAH!!! let me look at the calendar, that's 25 days! I can't believe it. I think I'm done. I have had a couple of stress out episodes where I REALLY wanted to but I thought of my hair and skin and I just don't want to go back. It doesn't make me skinny. I HAVE gained a few pounds and I'm pissed about that but in order to loose weight by purging, I have to do it all the time and get malnourished and I still run into a wall with loosing, it's just not worth it. I have NOT been restricting. I've taken some good time to get nice and hydrated and healthy, I am feeling itchy to start to really count calories again and try to lessen my intake just a little bit. I've been eating 1500 - 2000 cals per day--TOTALLY vegan. Usually for breakfast I'll have a rice/quinoa bowl with kale, currants, zucchini, mushroom, lite coconut milk, curry paste, chia seeds. It packs a punch and I COULD go till dinner off of that one meal--this is the type of restricting I'm planning to do. Nothing drastic. Just not so much snacking.

Ladyparts:  I went in last week for a consultation and exam to plan for surgery. I held a mirror to look while she showed me what she could do. It got me excited and glad and I said I'd like to go ahead and schedule it. So she sent a request to the hospital and someone is supposed to call me to get that scheduled. If all goes right, it will happen in December. WOWWOWWOW

10 days

10 days Purge free!!??!! I'm doing it. I went on a weekend retreat with some AA Ladies (friends) 10 days ago and came clean about my ED. It was REALLY SUPER helpful. I made a commitment to my girlfriends and to myself. I've been having problems with my hair still and I KNOW it's from purging. Immediately, I put on 5 pounds. Like in the first 2 or 3 days. Then, it leveled out and started heading back down. I REALLY want to get back to 123 - 128 but at the moment I'm just focusing on not puking, and I feel good. I had 2 episodes where I felt too full and got panicky, but I just talked it out and waited a few min. Tonight was one of them. I layed on the couch and told my husband, and he said "just remember, it's good clean food to nourish you" And it was.

140 lbs. kinda pissed

I didn't throw up all week. Prolly 4 days in a row. I've been making structured dinners and keeping track so I can try to make meal plans. And I gained 5 lbs. I haven't been going to the gym, just once this week. I'm pretty disappointed with myself at the moment I must admit. I also must admit that I threw up tonight.

I AM so happy that I'm healthy in the lady parts. SO stinkin happy. I feel lucky, and blessed and excited that I may be getting my junk fixed soon. On the outside at least. I know I need to address my emotional hurts too. Who knows maybe I'll decide not to do it. I'm pretty scared too jeeze. I'm like an ACTIVIST about circumcision and here I am thinking about a little sniperoo for myself. UGH. this is NOT about it looking better. It's about pain and tearing and infections. I'll talk more about that later but trust me, its not about vanity.

I was having BIG FEELINGS a lot a couple weeks ago and lately it's chilled a bit. I have been keeping very busy so that helps.

Really fast update

My PAP results came back NEGATIVE that means GOOD!!!!! My Cervix is a smooth, plump, and juicy fruit of a Mother Earth Goddess tree. Just kidding. Not really.