I failed miserably yesterday. I DID have fruit for "dinner" though (hana :-) but then I ate a million other things too. I made the coolest new thing: Lemon Poppyseed Hummus! Chilled, it goes so good with fruit--specially White Nectarines. SO good, it almost tastes like lemon poppyseed cake BATTER which I have never had but I'm sure is delish. I think that hummus and nectarine would make a perfect breakfast. I'll try it soon....
So far today, I had a banana for breakfast, a diet pepsi and a sample of an energy/oatmeal/seed/bar thing at costco... And a few licks of different hummus's I'm making.... I dont' know what I'm gonna do this afternoon, well it's 5:30 now so, evening.... I'm making Mediterranean delights for dinner, with chicken instead of falafel. Here's what I'm gonna do: eat dinner, purge, hog out on nasty treats tonight after bed, purge again. I feel kinda ambivalent about "recovery".... I want to do more restricting and less purging. and twice a day is less than 3 times. soon, I'll cut it to once? I weighed 122 at the gym today. and that was RAD.
the thing is: I LIKE doing the "behaviors". They are soothing and numbing. That's why I'm ambivalent. I have been using b/p-ing as a coping mech, and as a drug to chill with.
ReplyDeleteRotting teeth and all that bad junk you mentioned is NOT worth being 122. but it is worth being 113. Just kidding. It's not worth it, but like you said, i haven't had any of those consequences yet. And you're right-- I should jump ship while I still have my mofo teeth. I'm trying to cut back.
We all like the behaviors to some degree, or at least like what they do for us. If we didn't like them, we wouldn't have them, cling to them.
ReplyDeleteLiking them doesn't make them a good choice, just like alcoholism isn't a good choice.
Better coping mechanisms do exist, you just have to work harder to find them...it's the working harder part that makes recovery complicated. Effort shock, or whatnot.
But you have so many reasons to overcome the difficulty...namely your kids, eh?
<3
I can understand about the recovery thing, look you have to take it slow, you can't just kick mia out so quickly, you have to take steps down from that, purging lesssounds like a good first step and then slowly you be restrictingin no time, i know they are both ends of the same spectrum but I think Ana over Mia is better any day. Mia takes so much outta us.
ReplyDeleteWhatver you decide is on you, do what makes you feel good and don't worry about what anyone else thinks.
(HUGS)