feeling so strong/ Versitile Blogger Award

Last night, I planned my nightly binge/purge and in a moment of strength, took my antibiotics and skipped it. Tonight I planned the same thing. I purged dinner and then went out to check out tanning salons. I knew I would not have the strength to skip my binge tonight again. We had Salmon and rice and asparagus and I purged it what a bastard. Anyway, I got home and "put my husband to bed" hee hee. Kids were on the couch with a movie (no school tomorrow! dangit) I started cleaning the dinner dishes and deciding what to eat and in what order and I just realized I wasn't dying for anything in particular. So I grabbed all my eve meds which I had been waiting to take till after any purging, and I just took them quick and now I CANT purge so I can't binge that's all there is to it!

okay, I have to explain about all the tanning talk. I live in the pacific northwest and it's a FACT we get like, way less sun than everywhere else. It's depressing. A lot of people go year round to tanning salons just for the mood improvement and healthy glow. I'm going to California in July and I mean, I guess it's FINE to totally be white. But for me, I have a lot of stretch marks and flapsy flubb, and that all gets toned and looks better, when tan. I haven't tanned in years and I just did all this weight loss and I think this is the icing on the cake I'm so excited. I went for 8 min tonight and it was pure bliss!

I shall now fulfill my Versitile Blogger Award Obligation, lest I'm seen as ungrateful. I'm not, I only feel unworthy :-)
I love every single one of my followers, like, a ridiculous amount. But I think everyone's already done this or they don't have a blog, they only read.
I would only like to bestow this award to one girl: My friend, the lovely, Deanna M. Deanna, if you are reading this, I'm not putting a link to your blog because you might not appreciate the traffic. But please accept this award.

You must give it to other people, I'm not sure how many. I'm pretty sure it's more than one so I'm breaking a rule but it's ok. AND you're supposed to tell 7 random things about yourself.

1. I ran away with the circus when I was 19.
2. I have gotten 2 DUI's. One in 1994 when I was only 18 and not even old enough to drink! the other on November 30 of 2007. My sobriety date is the next day - 12/1/07.
3. I attend AA meetings regularly. It works
4. I have an associates degree in accounting. I like the work but.....
5. I'm a stay at home mom. I love it but I have been thinking (JUST THINKING) about going back to work. HA, I got an application for the tanning salon I just joined tonight.
6. I KINDA work though because I'm the manager for our apartment complex. It's only got 16 units. We're full so there isn't a whole lot to be done. Keep the place tidy, be around. we get 2/3's off our rent.
7. I'm a sex abuse survivor. I was molested/raped by an older step brother from the age of 8 - 12. I go through periods of bug out's over it. At the moment, I'm ok. It's been a while since I bugged. I was in therapy and it was like we uncovered feelings, it got too heavy. I guess I play this trick on myself where I think I'm pretty open about it so I must be ok and not shoving feelings or being in denial. But it's a trick. I know it is, but it's a survival mechanism and I choose to do it because when I DID go weird about it when I was in therapy, I couldn't function. I had to be able to take care of the fam, so I stopped going to therapy and stopped "dealing" with it. She said that might happen and she was right.

that's it. xo

Thank you again, Hana. Sorry I took so long

Sweet Swimsuit

I bought this on Ebay over a year ago. It was so pretty and funny I had to have it though there was no chance I was fitting it it then. I can't wait to wear it to the Pool this summer. There's a fun pool we take the kids to when its SUPER HOTT and I'm always so jealous of the hottie Milf's. The ONLY minorly annoying thing about this suit is it goes up kinda high in the back. It makes me feel slim, but in that way it's a LITTLE TOO mom-ish.

yes, I'm still working on my thighs. And I totally need a tan. I have mixed feelings about that though my really good friend just had a freckle on her leg checked and it was cancer and shes got this huge gash in the middle of her pretty, smooth thigh. 13 stitches. and it's indented, so when it heals, it will be like, sunken there. :-( all from one little freckle?? she totally used to tan and I'd have to go banana's obsessed if I were to tan that much, but still. It'd kind of be a slap in her face if I went tanning right now.... Not sure what I'll do.

BFF called ME a Negative Nancy.... ME!?

HA, ya right. even on my worst day I'm still naming my blog post "positive attitudes" haha

SO YA! guess what I hit a new low today. At the gym, totally naked, wet hair, 133.0 aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!! I'm back to loosing I know it. I just counted up all my cals for today on Livestrong. I consumed 1500 cals you guys, and I puked lunch and dinner. Even if I DIDN'T Purge, I'd be ok. maybe. I don't think so, that's why I purged.

I made salad rolls for dinner again. I stuffed those babies with lots of veggies and just a TAD of rice vermicelli, so they clocked in at MAYBE 120 each MUCH less if it didn't have avocado

OMG I am just thrilled with 133 and I feel so empty right now it's super. I'm gonna drink tea

positive attitude

Today is kinda bad. I mean I'm not depressed, I just mean, I'm eating badly. since my last post, I went a few days of b/p one day, be good the next day, b/p WORSE the next day..... Today, I've already b/p'd twice and the day isn't over. I just went to the donut shop! :-(. I'm frustrated. I did the juice fast and OF COURSE I'm still glad and it was healthy and reset my naughty binge cycle. BUT I only lost 5 pounds, gained it all back in a few days which actually put me higher than I had been before. I kept trying so hard to be good but nothing was getting an ounce off of me till I started eating normal and puking once in a while. the last day or two I've started seeing some loss on the scale. It's kind of like, what's the fuckin point?? But I KNOW, I really do, that the best thing is to eat normal, not binge, not purge and go to the gym every day. but I always end up binging, because I eat "normal" and then purge when I should just keep it. because purging CAUSES binging--Not the other way around. So then it STILL after everything comes down to self control and it's SO HARD isn't it?? dang!!!

I'm sorry to be a let down. I want to do that cleanse again how crazy is that? I want to do the hardest level too--it's all green juices all day torture. I have to wait about a month though.

Another thing: I've been sick for MONTHS and it's BS!! Husband too. the current cold we have, we've had for 35+ days! and today (lovely) I got a cold sore. JEEZE

I hate pissing and moaning. I'll try to think of something more juicy for my next post. OH! this was a funny/irritating thing that happened yesterday. OK, I went into Vitamin World, and the guy at the front was a beef face who looked like he just shot steroids in the back.
him: what can I help you with (attitude in voice and expression)
me: I'm looking for Krebs Cycle Chelates
him: we don't carry that
me: oh, I just thought you might cuz I saw it on your website
him: we have TWENTY THREE thousand products online for sale and we only carry 9000 in the store
me: oh, okaaaay wellll, ummmm I guess I'll order it online?
him: you could do that.
WHAT A FUCKER RIGHT????? I hate everyone

2 steps forward, 1/2 step back

Still, I'm moving forward overall ya?

So I did well in the days following my fast. And I don't want to be a big hypocrite, but I can't lie and this IS part of my journey SO: I purged on Sunday. Husband did a 1 day fast on Sunday. I didn't join him, so I could be a good support. One of us has to be fully functioning. I have a good friend/mentor/father figure who's in the hospital now. The doctors gave him 24 hours (to live) on Sunday morning, and as far as I know he's still with us, but there's little (no) hope of recovery. Anyway, I was at the hospital a lot this weekend and couldn't bother with worrying too much about what I ate. STILL, I ate well (very little) all day. I made this for dinner:

Salad Rolls with Lemongrass soup
Made all from scratch by ME. this meal was less than 200 cal and Before that during the day I only had juices. I was making them for hubby anyway and they're good for me....

But then I made the kids Ramen---Saporro Ichiban Ramen, and that's the best I love it. Making it for them turned on my monster. That is so easy to purge! But the reason purging doesn't work for me is this: Once I do it, I ALWAYS end up eating peanut butter on my way to bed or in the middle of the night. And I don't purge that.

Yesterday morning, I woke up and had a peanut butter and jelly sandwich because I decided to try to eat regular meals. I think "eating regular meals" is a common theme for us today huh girls? Anyway, I ate that right. Then I went to the gym and my friend met me who is thinking of joining. She's watched me get skinny and she was like "I want you to help me". She's already got a pretty good body but she's not in shape and OH if she gets in shape she's gonna look so good! So that's my project and she JOINED the gym yesterday woo hoo! I gave her a work out and she wanted to take me to lunch. What was I gonna say? I TRIED to avoid it but I really couldn't. So then! Another confession: I ate a turkey sandwich! OH Man, it was good too. haha Then for dinner I had a lean cuisine and I DIDN'T purge last night. so that was good. OH I almost forgot: yesterday, after the purge sunday night, I had little hickey spots around my eyes. Makeup DID cover it up, but OMG. that's the first time I've noticed that. Cant be good for wrinkles or puffieness and that's a motivator for me, cuz, um I'm a kid at heart but I'm 35 in real life and starting to see age around my eyes. :-(

Right now I'm having International Foods French Vanilla Cafe-a wollop of empty BS calories. It's so good :-( AAAAAAAAAAAAAAH

Then, I'm off to the gym. I'm gonna run and swim today.
xo

huge fight yuk

Husband and I just got in a HUGE fight about money. Tears, the whole shebang. It sucked and I'm just drained.

I haven't binged since Saturday--before the juice fast. I really feel like that fast changed my life. I don't want to be over dramatic. AND I'm not saying I'll never binge and purge again. But it really taught me about myself! You know, I quit drinking a few years ago. Then I quit smoking a year or so after that. When I was doing the fast it was MOMENT TO MOMENT struggle with myself. I had never experienced that before. When I quit drinking, I had no doubt and I WAS relieved of the obsession to drink. (it was hard and a sickening struggle but in a different way-long story) When I quit smoking, I was taking a medication (wellbutrin) for other mental issues, that is apparently a quit smoking aid. But during the fast, I could have stopped the fast at any time. I had a million excuses and I didn't' even NEED an excuse. It was SO HARD and I did it. Taught me a lot about just waiting a little while longer for that nasty treat "you can have it later", but then never even having it. So I win.

I was constantly fighting the habitual urge to toss something in my mouth. I'm making food for kids and in the kitchen a lot through the day. One day, we went to the zoo and "had a picnic"--they ate and I took pictures and giggled manically like I wasn't starved. That was particularly rough because I couldn't drink the juice I made even!! Something was weird and wrong with it and we were on public trans, not home so I just had to make do without. I Cheated--I still drank coffee (ONCE in the mornings). But other than that I had NO candy, NO diet soda, NO nothing to drink that I didn't make myself. I did have herbal teas..... There were several moments when I was standing in the middle of the living room looking around thinking I should be doing something right now, I need a candy, or gum. Then had to face the reality, that my comfort would not come from putting something in my mouth. That's like hitting a wall and it's just a complete surrender. Very Grateful I had the opportunity to experience the self awareness.

Yesterday was my first day back to eating. I waited till around 4pm to eat anything substantial. Had a salad, dollop of soup, an egg and a toast. I wanted 2 toasts, but I thought "1 will totally be fine" and it was. BIG change right there. Then today I had a few bites of pineapple for breakfast-spread through the morning. A "trio" bar (nuts, seeds, fruit--3 things hence trio) during the lunch time. Then at dinner I had mall food court thai salad rolls and lemongrass soup. Total for the whole day 550 cals which I REALLY can't believe but that's according to my calorie tracker and I even added a few extra. anyway my point is-I'M NOT HUNGRY. That's unbelievable right? Before I COULDN'T NOT eat! and too much too--peanut butter SPREAD on to cookies?? whole milk, cereal, cheese, chips, sour cream, on and on...... I'm telling you guys--this cleanse was like a reset button. Husband and I are going to do it for Sunday. He was like "but you JUST did it"--but dude, it's so empowering and NOT scary. I think every Sunday is a SUPER idea. I might do sun - tues every other week till I get down to my goal weight.

Speaking of weight: I "only" lost 5 pounds BUT ok, here's my thinking. I was taking 3 dulcolax every night and 4 diurex pills every day. My fluid retention probably evened out as I was loosing from the fast. PLUS all those juices are close to 1000 cal a day because I was doing the medium difficulty level which has several fruit juices. I'm VERY inclined to take a dulcolax or two tonight and hit the diuretics hard again but maybe this is a good opportunity to let all that be reset too and the weight will come off and I won't be stuck in that horrible laxative cycle.... I can do my next couple fasting days on the most "difficult" level--those are ALL green juices and only MAX 800 cals a day.

OMG HANA Thank you so much for the award! I will do my duty with regards to that ASAP ok XOXO

Success

I did the whole 3 days and even went till 4pm today before I ate. I just couldn't-I didn't want to eat the wrong thing and get a stomach ache. Plus the only thing that sounded good was this grapefruit-avocado salad I had planned for lunch. Can't eat that for breakfast. anyway! It went really well and I feel sewper and I lost like 5 pounds. We'll see tomorrow.

Have you guys watched "skins"? I kinda like it. All the drugs kinda traumatize me, too many memories I guess. I'm STILL (avoiding) working on the "drug" post I mentioned before. So still stay tuned for that haha.

Ya, I definitely like this show. In case any of you IS a fan, i'm watching the "cadie" episode. cray zay