vlizzity

As you wish

This was me when the fire department came by to do an inspection.... A firetruck full of firemen came to the complex. Probably the cutest one of the bunch (aren't they ALL cute though sheesh) came to my door (I'm the manager) and I was just doing things around the house and getting ready to go to the gym. I was gonna wear a tank top OVER that sports bra. Some cool asses DO just wear the sports bra top to work out. But I can't do that, cuz, well, it's dorky. anyway. the cutie pie fireman came to my door and I answered it cuz I didn't know it was just an inspection of the property. He looked at me, looked me up and down and said "yes mam, well, um, we, uh, are here from that firestation down the street there, and uh.... (bla bla we wanna check the place out)" but he was seriously dumbfounded. And I was tickled pink!

So then I wanted to show you guys that, but I thought the picture looked a little beefy. I like slender/athletic. Not JUST athletic. I still have a ways to go to get to the slender part. SO this picture is better.


I didnt' want you all thinking I'm trying to look like mary lou retton

cuz I'm not....

I'm still 122.? every day I go to the gym. Today it was 122.5 at the end of the gym..... I still b/p every day. the last several mornings I haven't been eating breakfast at all. What I WAS doing was eating breakfast (oatmeal or a banana) and coffee. then I would sometimes be good till dinner (not purge lunch), then just go apeshit all night from dinner on. then it became where I would start going apeshit earlier like starting at lunch. Today, I didn't eat anything till dinner. EXCEPT a wheatgrass shot from jamba juice. Then we went to sushi which can be good but I always eat nasty junk sushi like vegas rolls (roll of crab salad with mayo, avocado, cream cheese, light tempura battered then deep fried!) I did pretty well until I ordered a vegas roll on purpose and ended up having TWO which honestly probably was at least 500 cals just for those 2. I also had some shrimp tempura roll which contains a deep fried shrimp.... Its all so yummy. I was debating the whole time with myself, that if I was good, I should keep it down and NOT WORRY I didn't eat all fuckin day. But then my husband asked if we wanted to go to the mall to walk it off, I just went crazy and ate more than I normally (what does that mean anymore--normally) would. Then I felt guilty, ashamed, nauseous. I couldn't get to a bathroom fast enough. I tried so hard to be ok with it, but UGH, I just couldn't. I went to the family bathrooms at the mall--they're individual with a sink and toilets all inside a locked door. SO private. But they were all full so I sat down and waited for what felt like forever, feeling so ashamed. I had my arms wrapped around my tummy rocking back and forth.... Waiting waiting, sick, gross, hurry fuck!! then two teenage guys came out of one (???) and I did my thing... then I went to Dicks Sporting goods to try on fitness shorts. I tried on SEVERAL pairs and I cant find a kind that look good on me... I think I'm the tight capri workout pants type. Plus my fitness skirt is hecka cute.

OK so listen to THIS: see in the second picture I'm wearing sandals? well I was wearing those when I went to the gym and I forgot to change into tennies. So I had to wear those lame things to lift weights. what a dork

Fat Med Aid

OKAY, I'm sorry in advance this post is probably offensive. my gym is right next to one of those schools that teaches people to be Medical Assistants. at least 80% of the people who go there are fat. I don't know why that annoys me, but it does. It totally does. On top of that, there's always a big group out there SMOKING in their wannabe nurse uniforms. wtf. Ya, let's put the most unhealthy people in the front lines of the healthcare industry. And you know that stupid "school" isn't telling them to loose weight or be healthy because they're getting paid so who cares. ugh

I'm thinking of making this blog private like you have to be invited to read it. Just cuz I'm paranoid of someone i know reading it. I DO leave out names, but I have been putting pictures. Plus, this is linked to my gmail, so someone might come across it. AND I have friends in REAL life who have blogger, and if I ever comment on their blog, it will put THIS profile and they might read this blog. no good. I don't want to feel repressed in my writing here. would you all be down with that? I don't want to loose readers either.....

punkin belly

OH MAN so we went to my sis's house this weekend for a spend the night and hang out. I didn't purge while I was there and I ate "sensible" and I didnt want to have an issue on the way home so no laxies for me last night so therefore I'm pregnant right now. I got a new iPhone 4 and I'm gonna pee from joy. I have to play with it. I think I can use it as a webcam HAY! so any of you vloggers: do you know if I can do that?? can anyone give me tips? cuz I'll totes put a vlog, a short one cuz hearing voices is fun--I think so anyway, when you girls do it it's always superneat to me to hear your voice put to the words.

xoxo

more about the trip: I have a "sort of" sister. I have 2 sisters by the same dad, and they have another lil sis like me, from the same mom. But lil sis and I don't have any of the same parents. make sense? anyway, she's anorexic and I have lost a lot of weight recently so then I know everyone is wondering if I'm done loosing weight or do they need to worry. She's 40 years old, no kids, second husband just left her. She's a TAD controlling. She's very pretty, SUPER funny, one of the smartest people I know. I love her to death. I really do. Yesterday she didn't show up to the bbq till after food time and I told big sis's that she probably doesn't want to get hassled about eating or not eating or WHATEVER. She's a grownup and I think she looks great, though I have to say, thinner than I've ever seen her.... But then I really felt self conscious and I couldn't purge. Just couldn't do it. I didn't want to make anyone suspicious and worry. I wonder if they noticed that I ate a whole bowl of cucumbers and tomatoes, then just the tiniest bit of chili? I'm a lard right now anyway.....

You like my music Jack?

I failed miserably yesterday. I DID have fruit for "dinner" though (hana :-) but then I ate a million other things too. I made the coolest new thing: Lemon Poppyseed Hummus! Chilled, it goes so good with fruit--specially White Nectarines. SO good, it almost tastes like lemon poppyseed cake BATTER which I have never had but I'm sure is delish. I think that hummus and nectarine would make a perfect breakfast. I'll try it soon....

So far today, I had a banana for breakfast, a diet pepsi and a sample of an energy/oatmeal/seed/bar thing at costco... And a few licks of different hummus's I'm making.... I dont' know what I'm gonna do this afternoon, well it's 5:30 now so, evening.... I'm making Mediterranean delights for dinner, with chicken instead of falafel. Here's what I'm gonna do: eat dinner, purge, hog out on nasty treats tonight after bed, purge again. I feel kinda ambivalent about "recovery".... I want to do more restricting and less purging. and twice a day is less than 3 times. soon, I'll cut it to once? I weighed 122 at the gym today. and that was RAD.

for ever and ever

So for the last three days, I have been home "alone" just with the kids who aren't monitoring my food or purging habits. Mon and tues I was superbad and b/p'd around 3 times a day. Totinos pizza, ice cream, cookies, peanut butter, cereal...... Today, I did really good all day with mostly just restricting, UNTIL dinnertime. I just couldn't stop once I got started. no breakfast and then for lunch I had veggie sticks with hummus (that I made.... ps i'll put a recipe soon)... then I'm makin my kids dinner and munching little bites here and there. Then I went apeshit and ate a whole bunch of peanut butter and graham crackers. So I purged. start fresh! I made some cucumber slices with another kind of hummus smeared on top, AND I made cucumber slices with turkey and swiss on top with a TINY but of tahini sauce I made.... that was what I PLANNED for myself for dinner. I'll eat it when hubby gets home tonight.... later......

UPDATE
so I ate veggies and hummus and some of the cucumber stacked with turkey and cheese. Not too much. But I AM feeling so naughty. I have so many good treats. I can't say no and I'm gonna do it. I DID do a lot better today than I have in many days. All I can do is try again tomorrow. I'm gonna get on here and report a plan first thing, then an update of what happened. I think a plan is SO important....

xo

what gives

O
M
G


I told my sponsor (Alcoholics Anonymous) about my ED..... I've been frazzly lately. Loosing things and lying and flailing and lying and secrets and lying. And that shit leads to drinking. I went to dinner with her and I knew I had to come clean. The LAST time we got together about a month ago, I thought I might tell then. But I didn't and the symptoms of my secrecy have only gotten worse. I had to tell. She didn't bust me too bad. Then I came home and told my husband. OF COURSE now I wish I hadn't told either of them. But I'm having "issues" lately with my health and I worry and I KIND of want to get better. But honestly, HONESTLY, I still want to keep b/p-ing as a stress reliever. I have still done it every day since the big "confess"... It's been harder if I do before husband goes to bed. But ya. that was a step in A direction.... Husband said he knew and he's cracked a couple of jokes since like "I took 'son' to dairy queen and we got a waffle cone and DIDN'T purge right after. and then I talked candidly about how my usual time for the biggest pointless bender of the day is always at night and maybe we can set me up a nice little area in the backyard where I can have a hookah at night instead... Sponsor said we're going to take it one step at a time. Get my life on track so I dont' GET stressed to want to b/p. AND I need to go to the doctor to get perspective on the health aspects of it.

Husband is going on a biz trip for the next 3 days. So I'll be "alone" to do what I want. right now, I can't imagine NOT going on a b/p bender. but maybe I'll try not to one or two days... I'll think about it. Restricting, nice to meet you.... we'll talk later ok? I'm off to eat cereal, and peanut butter, and ritz crackers, and a 3 musketeers bar.