hella cute outfit

ya, I went and did a TINY bit of retail therapy on Friday. I was super bummed about my mom and I only spent like $30. OK OK more like $100 but some of it was product I NEED from Sephora. Even my husband uses it--some face shit that is a miracle for zits, scars, and wrinkles. It's Glycolic Acid 10% toner right, and I let my supply run out and I didnt' rush out and get more for a week or so and dude, I was SO broken out. Not the worst, deep, acne ever. But the whole surface of my skin was just gross and clogged and sad. Anyway, that part of my spending doesn't REALLY count as retail therapy because we both use it and we need it. But I do enjoy going to Sephora :-) Then I went all around the mall and bought 5 pairs of lacy thong panties from Gap--they were having a FOUR dollar sale!!! AH mazing. And I got those cute as shit shorts from Forever 21. I already had the top and shoes from the thrift store ;-P

OH THEN I won an auction for a 3.5 oz bottle of my favorite perfume by Badgley Mischka for $21 on ebay. They don't even make it anymore and I'm so thrilled I GOT it in the mail already. A 1.7 oz bottle was $60 when they DID used to sell it so I got a rad deal. :-)

At the end of the mall time, I went to sonic and got a BURGER AND A CHICAGO DOG which I brought home to B/P........

Went to the airport to get my husband who was on a biz trip all last week. Kids were having a spend the night out.

Sat we did a couple errands then went to the State Fair. Salem (we live in oregon) is about 40 min away with no traffic. But MAN there was traffic!!! there was this super good show on NPR--people telling crazy personal stories about survival. Like a kidnap victim, and a guy who got picked up hitchhiking by an escaped lunatic.... It was fun to listen to while we got roasted alive in my car with no AC sitting in traffic for over an hour. I guess both the colleges south of us were having some big deal games, and the fair was going on.... Anyway we go to the fair every year and I love it. I have a specific order I like to walk through it. We headed straight for the back of the fairgrounds to work our way forward. We went through all the livestock stuff. Those FFA kids are camping out, playing cards, having the time of their lives! I think pigs are filthy and gross, but I like llamas, and cows and the kids love everything especially the goats and horses. I love horses too duh... kay then we were having a little lunch. The family got pizza, I got a burger at a Hawaiian booth. It was GOOD and I thought it was OK if I just ate it and enjoyed it like a normal person. The ketchup dispenser was stuck and I was leaning into it with all my strengh when a clog broke through and I got COVERED in ketchup!!! SO PISSED. because THEN I had to go out of my routine to go to the vendor area next to get a new shirt. I HAVE A SPECIFIC ORDER I LIKE TO GO THROUGH THE FAIR!!! DAMMIT. well I had a good excuse to take extra long in the bathroom and purge that burger to feel better/smug/free..... But I got in the bathroom and there was a line, 2 stalls, and it was COMPLETELY SILENT in there. Not to mention hot and smelly.... I couldn't purge. I tried a few more bathrooms along the search for a top, but I didn't have any luck. So I was hot, smelled like ketchup (which was soaked through to my bra), and full.... AAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHH what a fiasco. I had fun though, I really did. I made the best of all of it. I love going through the big grandstand halls with all the quilts, and old ladies doing needlework, and men doing woodworking... plus, we got in free cuz some nice people gave us tickets when we were waiting in line a the ticket booth, so that was bonus.

Sunday, we tried to go to my favorite nude beach on the river..... But it was TOO CROWDED, there was no parking. Everyone was double parked and there was a parade of cars (us included) having to turn around and leave.... so that was a bummer too. We had my car (did I mention it doesn't have AC?) all weeked cuz hubby's was in the shop. It was ready to pick up friday but we didn't get over there and they were closed all long weekend. I was pissed but I'm over it.

Monday, we went to the big bonanza corn roast we go to every year for Labor day. Its a AA party, sounds nerdy but it's not I love it.

Husband is out of town again, school started yesterday so me and the little man are headed out to the gym. I love my routine and I love that it is SOOOO HOT this whole week. Maybe I'll take him to the beach just him and I. It won't be crowded today and tomorrow.... I'm gonna do it.

xo

dirty text ideas?

Hubby is on a business trip....



Today I ate a banana, went to the gym and worked out (running .25 mile to warm up, weights for 30 min, swimming for 10 min) was kinda light. I felt weak :-( maybe I should eat more before... then I had a half serving of muscle milk. Then I starved till dinner and we went to buffalo wild wings (that was the kids choice). I had a buncha buffalo wings, fries, nachos... Then I rushed home to purge. Then we went out and did a couple more fun things. now I'm eating crap to purge again. sooo nice. that's my life right now.



I keep crying lately. My moms death anniversary is saturday and I figured out, that's probably why the easy crying.



School starts soon. then I'll have a better routine. then soon I can think about getting off laxatives. then soon I can think about quitting purging... soon soon soon soon soon

if ya wanna have fun then do somethig cray zay

like flash you're titties!!!



haw haw, ok that's a song I didnt just make that up......



AAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHH ok, so today so far I've had) a granola bar, coffee with a little milk. Then I went to see The Help by myself at the movies (it was so good and the first time I've gone alone to the movies in around 10 years I need to do that more often) and I had a small popcorn and diet coke. I didn't have them add butter to the popcorn but that shit is still naughty. I'm still dreaming about that BIG YUMMY burrito I had last night I want that again so bad right now. But instead, I passed qudoba's right on by and got a coffee instead. I have AA tonight and then I'm picking up my kids. Husband is out of town for the next few days. I think I WILL get candy before my meeting this time. I'm too hungry to not nibble.......



I got a new sexy inspiration. Kay the other night I put on my glasses and gave my husband a look and I was thinking "naughty secretary" but then HE said something about detention so he was thinking "naughty teacher" I cant do the naughty teacher bit. But I CAN get a business suit and not say anything (no acting please!! too embarrassing) but wear thigh highs and high heels and play the horny business woman.... So I need to shop for a good business suit.

I hope so

I was down to 122 for one tiny bit a month or so ago. But mostly I was sticking around 123-124. Then it started creeping up on me... Add my period to that AND I was slacking at the gym big time all of August, I got up to 128!!! AAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH That's practically 130, I'm not ok with that. I'm having a hard time getting in my tiny new clothes.



Sunday, I had a peach for breakfast and the naughty creamer in my coffee. Then at lunch I had (very nice from the deli) turkey slices wrapped in big lettuce leaves for lunch and a couple of tortilla strips. Total for the day at that point was 386 cals. I was swoozy and starved and had a headache. Then I b/p'd twice from dinner on....



Monday, I had oatmeal for breakfast, didn't eat my whole serving. Also had coffee with 2%. Lunch I had maybe one cup of a totally dry fresh chicken salad I made: Chicken, almond slices, apples, celery, lemon juice, herb seasoning. My cals for the day at this point was only 223. Then we went to Qudobas for dinner UGH! It was SOOOOO delish. Usually I get a naked burrito and purge it anyway so THIS time, I got a regular nasty burrito. OMG it was so good. NO idea how many calories (well I have an idea but.....) and I purged it. Then after hubby went to bed I had a little b/p session and I love it when this happens: first of all, cereal is SO easy to purge especially life cereal. Then at the end, I could taste just pure yellow bile (gross I know). my stomach was EMPTY, and I know because I got a total low blood sugar attack. SO swoozy and tunnel vision, and shakes..... I had a little peanut butter and crackers. I'm stealing this from another blogger friend (hi friend) but peanut butter is my secret weapon. I eat it plenty and I still loose. It plays SOME kind of trick on my bod. Maybe it's not a secret weapon but it doesn't hurt I SWEAR.



Today I'm at 126, so, on my way back down. I saw a girl at IKEA this weekend who had my dream bod. She was probably 110, a little shorter. So slender, but tan and you could tell she works out. Like I'M guessing she has an ED, but she didn't have that ED look that other people notice. and I swear to God, it's the tan. Tan and a little muscle definition is all you need to trick people. And if anyone says anything like "you're not anorexic are you" you just show em your big muscle and say "you can't have good muscles if you don't eat" and give them a wink and then, no worries. ;->



I want to get down to 113, then maintain around 118. I'm 5'5"

bummed now better

Sunday we went to a sporting even with the kids.... I was obsessed with how many fat people I was seeing. I felt a little cramped in the seats and I'm like, normal size.If you call this normal.... I still think my legs look squished into these shorts, but I'm sitting.



How do people sit if they are overweight?

they don't.

I really do feel horrible about putting this picture. But I really was having a hard time enjoying the day with my kids because I was worried about this, and I wanted to share that with you guys. I think it's a little over the top for me to obsess like that. Also, it was HOT.... UGH



I am happy that I can kind of see the lines in my chest here



I was SO BLAH for so long!! No inspiration! No drive! Last night I was in a bad mood and wanted to post about it but just didn't feel like it. Lame. I got so mad because I wanted my husband to HURRY UP and go to bed already!!!! So I could purge. I hate it when my mood and life is affected because I can't purge when I need to. I have had dreams TWICE lately about that too--that I ate and can't find a place/way to purge. I haven't been to the gym in TEN DAYS. depressing.



I know what I need to do to stop this horrible cycle, and I just haven't had the will to do it. This morning, just now, I made a healthy juice--2 huge servings worth. Carrots, cucumber, apples, lemons, kale, celery, spinach. when I was buying all that stuff on Sunday I knew I needed to juice, but I didn't WANT TO. I just wanted to be lazy and fat and eat like a hog and be a bitch. Today is Tues, and I finally got in there and did it. I couldn't think of what to do for dinner. But then I drank a little bit of my juice and got inspired and I'm gonna have fajita veggies and brown rice.

off to the gym....



UPDATE:

I did it! followed my plan perfectly. Drank my juices and starved all day. It was wonderful!! Then had my planned supper like a good girl. Now I have my AA meeting and I usually eat candy the whole time but I'm gonna be good tonight. I have a friendship bracelet to make to keep my hands busy so I don't go apeshit sitting still :-) No binging and purging all day AAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHH! I feel so elated. Just yesterday I couldn't NOT do it.... whew. what a relief.

xo

If I do say so myself

Callypigian

Went to the nude beach that's my fave today. I'm still kid free till Sat. It's been really nice but I miss them but it's been really nice :-)



I've been talking a lot lately with my husband AND my bff about my ED. I read my blog from one year ago to now and I was doing so well before with eating right and working out and only using purging once in a while when I screwed up. NOW I purge 2 times a day at least and eat CRAP. I need to get back on TRACK!! Maybe I should get skinny bitch again and get inspired. That really helped me before... I just didn't want to put anything nasty in my body in the first place and taco bell was SOOOOO out of the question.



skinny bitch it is then..... dammit

vlizzity