BIG HEARTS!

OMG you guys I'm gonna cry right now. You all are so sweet!

Yesterday was OK. When I made that post I was so frazzled that I forgot to elaborate on the conversation with my husband. We were supposed to talk about it after the kids went to bed. But then we didn't talk about it and I didn't look him in the eye all eve. Then he went to bed.

Then this morning I was remembering so strong that I have to make a post here no matter what. I couldn't remember my second rule!! I knew it was something about eating breakfast. But I didn't :-( All I ate for brek was my coffee and 3 bites of my sons waffles. I had a fight with my older son this morning which TRAUMATIZED me! It was not that big a deal. But here's what happened: I was lecturing him about he needs to remember this that and the other for school he needs to learn about being responsible for his own stuff. He's in 4th grade now and he gets a ridiculous amount of homework. Like an hour each day. One of the things every day is to read, then write a paragraph about what he read in a reading journal. He forgot the journal one day last week so I had him do the writing on a loose paper to copy into the journal this week. Then yesterday he forgot the journal AGAIN AND he forgot his homework planner so we didnt' even know what his home work WAS yesterday. I keep telling him it can snowball SO FAST and the next thing you know you'll have 5 hours of homework in one day and he's in FOURTH GRADE it shouldn't be this stressful. Well even though he didn't have his homework planner, I still made him do a full page of math because that probably was on the planner, plus the reading/writing. So this morning we got in a fight because I was trying to remind him to bring everything home so we can get organized bla bla. He was giving me this blank stare and that got me mad because I'm like I CAN'T do it FOR him. I CANT! HE HAS to learn to do it on his own. Then he cried cuz I was just going in circles. So here's why I'm traumatized. When I was in 4th grade, we used to have a folder that would go home that the teacher would circle "good, fair or poor" for the week if you did what all you were supposed to. I knew that I was going to get a poor because I didnt' do all I was supposed to. so this one morning my mom came in to my room and said "what's it gonna be?" and I said "not good". she said "let's get it over with then" and then she beat my ass. And it wasn't like, structured, like a punishment. She lost her shit! I went to school with a black eye and a huge bruise on my leg. First she beat me with a plastic hanger. then when that broke she got a hair brush. then when that broke, she straddled me and grabbed me by the hair and banged my head into the floor (sorry to unload all this here you guys but I'm on a roll and I have to get it out). I don't even know what she was saying that whole time. But her FACE. I remember her face and I love my mom. I miss her with all my heart some days. I miss her so much. But I remember her face when she was going ape shit and I FEEL that ugly face coming out of MY face when I yell at my kiddo. I see him crumbling and I didn't go ape shit (this time) I didn't' totally yell or anything. So I'm honestly not feeling GUILTY as much as flashback traumatized. I'm going to talk to him for sure! I'm going to make up with him. But anyway, ya, I was traumatized by that. No one noticed at school. No one helped me. One nice classmate asked me what was wrong and I said "my mom did this to me this morning!" I was sobbing and the teacher didn't notice. All that horrible memory comes back because I made my kiddo cry before school... and during the writing of this, I binged and purged. I'm sorry, I know I'm going to do it again later so that will make more than once which I promised was gonna be my limit. But Please don't be let down you guys it really meant a lot to me to see that you guys cared...

busted again.

I woke up this morning to a letter from my husband about he's very concerned about me binging and purging and he doesn't want me to do it anymore. Plus he has a hard time with me buying naughty things like donuts because he doesn't want to eat that way but who has will power to not eat donuts when that shit is around ALL the time. Cuz lately I HAVE been buying fun to b/p foods and not like, hiding them or anything.... I've been b/p-ing 3 times every day at least and I'm not loosing weight. Just stuck at 124 - 126 and I totally go to the gym. So then I was like, You're right, I'm sorry, I won't buy that shit anymore. I don't want to make him my monitor, but I'm HIS monitor. We both have to have each others back that's all. I'm not trying to make him be my dad/boss so we get in that old unhealthy codependent cycle like with my drinking. Anyway, today I planned a kind of wholesome, not horrible, but not super dinner--homemade chicken pot pies. Chicken, carrot, celery, a can of condensed cream of chicken (divided between 4 pies, not bad) with puff pastry on top. I knew I was gonna try to keep that down and be good. So then I couldn't fucking bring myself to eat all day! I knew I had to eat something or I was gonna go overboard starving and buy taco bell. So I made a cole slaw (what a weirdo who WANTS to eat cole slaw...)--I made the whole stupid bag and I thought we could have some with dinner. But then it was SO tasty ( i used poppy seed dressing) I kept eating it once I started I was screwed. So then of course I had to purge that! Then by dinner time I was sick with hunger again and the dinner was amazing SO delish. So I couldn't stop and had to gorge myself and eat extra bread and butter, since by this time I already knew I was gonna puke.... I went to the tanning salon to get out of the house to puke!!! Now I'm eating again so I can puke again.

This is bad. I feel guilty. I have to make a plan. step number 1 of the plan is I have to make an entry here every day. Step #2 is ONLY purge once a day at the most. that means I have to eat breakfast and little snacks through the day. I need to follow a RESTRICTIVE DIET. I have to because I have 15 (ish) more pounds to loose and what I'm doing isn't working but I have to still do SOMETHING.

I know, I'll SAVE the used cat litter

There's NO SUCH THING as fat Japanese girls. I checked. On Google.

remember how I was gonna cut my purging to 1x a day. Well, lied I guess because it's still been three times a day till today it MIGHT only be two because I didn't eat lunch BECAUSE......

Omg we have a hoarder here. I'm an apartment manager and this tenant hoards garbage and bags full of used cat litter.. Those are the most foul things, but there are also dead bugs falling out of the fridge and something that looks like poop smeared on the kitchen floor. Jars of opened but not empty pasta sauce on the floor NEXT to the fridge. A bookshelf filled with coke cans and fast food drink containers. But a pile of movies on the floor (cuz the bookshelf is full of coke cans). This tenant is a PROFESSIONAL, who goes to work in AN OFFICE every day. I don't get it. I feel sooooo sorry for this person. Like, I want to help. I'm disgusted, but its fascinating. Why cant they put the bags in the dumpster outside? Why keep them inside? I've known there was something not right for a long time but it took a while to REALLY know for sure. we aren't a big beehive complex with a pool or fitness room. and we are right next to a trailer park. but this place is CLEAN. not spotless or perfect, but TIDY. no one who lives here has any idea this kind of thing is HERE...

Its super sad. I hesitated to add the pictures because I really do respect this girl. She has a good job and is sweet. I was afraid but I'm POSITIVE no one has ever seen this room or would know who it was. There's a chance she might not even recognize it. it IS FASCINATING isn't it.

cinnamon, hotdog, hot cross

Here's an updated before/after photo I started a long time ago. I found these pants again. I could have taken the today picture months ago but I kept forgetting.

Well, that made me worry that it looks like my butt fell OFF... so I took one with my skinny jeans on. but then YOU GUYS I was traumatized that my right bun looks funny, so I put on another pair of jeans.....
What is UP with my right bun yo????

I've been back at the gym more lately. But I'm not loosing any weight because I've been B/P X 3 every day. I am SO tired of throwing up. Plus I'm going to BURN IN HELL for eating MEAT and then throwing it up. That's just so very wrong.

And yes I DO still need (want) to loose more. If I didn't have on those tight jeans, my thighs still touch a LOT. I have flabby bits I'm workin on. I want to get down to 113 still. I mean, I know I need to draw a line in the sand and make a CHANGE. OK OK, so I'm going to make a statement so I have to stick to it. I'm going to start TOMORROW with cutting the purging to just once a day. Of course I know it should be none. But I will keep fucking up which just leads to more fucking up if I don't leave myself a little breathing room.... SO just once tomorrow and every day this week. I won't eat anything I'm not ok with keeping through the whole day. wish me luck you guys. You know I can do it--I've done it before, I just fell off and been rolling around in the mud for a bit. lazy.

where is cinnamon brown

I'm traumatized to find that her blog is erased. :-( does anyone know if she made a new one? she was so sunshiny and sweet. I'm sad.

oh ya

the glycolic product I told about the other day is called Glycolic 10% Toning Complex, and the brand is DDF Doctors Dermatologic Formula.

and yes Fed Up-I used to work in a fancy deli YEARS ago and they carried Boars Head Brand and I've never been able to eat like Oscar Mayer turkey ever again. I try sometimes, I'm a coupon mom! But that stuff tastes like WAX in comparison and my kiddo won't even eat it cuz there's "bits" that crunch and thats fuckin sick.

Vomit Nail Polish

TODAY is gonna be beach day. I went to the gym wed and did BodyPump and I swear I haven't been this sore in I don't know how long. But guess what! I'm skinnier than the teacher. This particular teacher isn't one of those sinewey nasty thin types. But she had the PERFECT bod when I first started taking the class back in like, march... She's beautiful, tan, good muscles but not too big.... But it's been months since I took her class and I've gotten much slimmer and tan! She had kind of a muffin top. The only thing she's still totally got on me is the thighs. Squats and lunges are still my worst torture and one bun is like, TORE or something it hurts so bad. But her thighs are tight as fuck, and that's what I want. Yesterday I just rode the bike and then did abs and then swam.

after the gym yesterday we started driving to the beach, but then I realized my parking pass is in my other car. It costs $7 to park one day!!!! I paid $21 for a year pass and I'm NOOOOOT going to pay SEVEN effin dollars. So we were in the hills on our way there and I changed the plan to: Berry patch!!! we (my little man and I) picked a couple pounds of raspberries. We also saw some other veggies growing including some artichokes which I think are So pretty! .... and we had a picnic. I was so good food wise all day till after noon (more on that later). I had oatmeal for breakfast (plain oatmeal with a DAB of brummel & brown, and orange marmalade--200 cals) and this was my lunch: super good deli turkey ($10/lb) on cucumber slices---150 cal

I picked up my older son from school and we headed straight to the zoo. We have a membership this year and they have some new baby Caracal's. The gates close at 4 so we had to make sure to get there before that. The baby Caracal's weren't out, but here's their daddy: My older son always wants to feed the lorrakeets and usually that is so crowded. But it turns out, the BEST time to go to the zoo is the afternoon on a school day. I only saw like 10 other people in the whole zoo.
We went out to dinner because it's so hot and I don't want to heat up the house. The place is called Sheri's. It's like Marie Callendars--Pies, and good old American fare. I was going to have a big salad. But ok, so we had to wait around 30 min for a table!!! that's unheard of at this place I don't know what the problem was. If I knew it was going to be that long, we would have left. then every step of the way after that was a horrible wait too.... We didn't have food for an HOUR from the time we got there. I was so frustrated and the KIDS!!! they were being troopers, but they were going apeshit! my older son and I had both cried by the time we were eating haha. I ended up whimping out and getting fish and chips. They got mini burgers. The food was SUPER good but it still wasn't worth the wait and torture. I was still pissed. then it took forever to get the bill, then when I went to pay (it was a joke at this point) the cashier/manager had dissapeared so I was standing there PISSED. When one of the waiters came to help me instead I told him I was really frustrated with all the waiting and I was about to cry. He went and go the manager and our meal was FREE.