BIG HEARTS!

OMG you guys I'm gonna cry right now. You all are so sweet!

Yesterday was OK. When I made that post I was so frazzled that I forgot to elaborate on the conversation with my husband. We were supposed to talk about it after the kids went to bed. But then we didn't talk about it and I didn't look him in the eye all eve. Then he went to bed.

Then this morning I was remembering so strong that I have to make a post here no matter what. I couldn't remember my second rule!! I knew it was something about eating breakfast. But I didn't :-( All I ate for brek was my coffee and 3 bites of my sons waffles. I had a fight with my older son this morning which TRAUMATIZED me! It was not that big a deal. But here's what happened: I was lecturing him about he needs to remember this that and the other for school he needs to learn about being responsible for his own stuff. He's in 4th grade now and he gets a ridiculous amount of homework. Like an hour each day. One of the things every day is to read, then write a paragraph about what he read in a reading journal. He forgot the journal one day last week so I had him do the writing on a loose paper to copy into the journal this week. Then yesterday he forgot the journal AGAIN AND he forgot his homework planner so we didnt' even know what his home work WAS yesterday. I keep telling him it can snowball SO FAST and the next thing you know you'll have 5 hours of homework in one day and he's in FOURTH GRADE it shouldn't be this stressful. Well even though he didn't have his homework planner, I still made him do a full page of math because that probably was on the planner, plus the reading/writing. So this morning we got in a fight because I was trying to remind him to bring everything home so we can get organized bla bla. He was giving me this blank stare and that got me mad because I'm like I CAN'T do it FOR him. I CANT! HE HAS to learn to do it on his own. Then he cried cuz I was just going in circles. So here's why I'm traumatized. When I was in 4th grade, we used to have a folder that would go home that the teacher would circle "good, fair or poor" for the week if you did what all you were supposed to. I knew that I was going to get a poor because I didnt' do all I was supposed to. so this one morning my mom came in to my room and said "what's it gonna be?" and I said "not good". she said "let's get it over with then" and then she beat my ass. And it wasn't like, structured, like a punishment. She lost her shit! I went to school with a black eye and a huge bruise on my leg. First she beat me with a plastic hanger. then when that broke she got a hair brush. then when that broke, she straddled me and grabbed me by the hair and banged my head into the floor (sorry to unload all this here you guys but I'm on a roll and I have to get it out). I don't even know what she was saying that whole time. But her FACE. I remember her face and I love my mom. I miss her with all my heart some days. I miss her so much. But I remember her face when she was going ape shit and I FEEL that ugly face coming out of MY face when I yell at my kiddo. I see him crumbling and I didn't go ape shit (this time) I didn't' totally yell or anything. So I'm honestly not feeling GUILTY as much as flashback traumatized. I'm going to talk to him for sure! I'm going to make up with him. But anyway, ya, I was traumatized by that. No one noticed at school. No one helped me. One nice classmate asked me what was wrong and I said "my mom did this to me this morning!" I was sobbing and the teacher didn't notice. All that horrible memory comes back because I made my kiddo cry before school... and during the writing of this, I binged and purged. I'm sorry, I know I'm going to do it again later so that will make more than once which I promised was gonna be my limit. But Please don't be let down you guys it really meant a lot to me to see that you guys cared...