busted again.

I woke up this morning to a letter from my husband about he's very concerned about me binging and purging and he doesn't want me to do it anymore. Plus he has a hard time with me buying naughty things like donuts because he doesn't want to eat that way but who has will power to not eat donuts when that shit is around ALL the time. Cuz lately I HAVE been buying fun to b/p foods and not like, hiding them or anything.... I've been b/p-ing 3 times every day at least and I'm not loosing weight. Just stuck at 124 - 126 and I totally go to the gym. So then I was like, You're right, I'm sorry, I won't buy that shit anymore. I don't want to make him my monitor, but I'm HIS monitor. We both have to have each others back that's all. I'm not trying to make him be my dad/boss so we get in that old unhealthy codependent cycle like with my drinking. Anyway, today I planned a kind of wholesome, not horrible, but not super dinner--homemade chicken pot pies. Chicken, carrot, celery, a can of condensed cream of chicken (divided between 4 pies, not bad) with puff pastry on top. I knew I was gonna try to keep that down and be good. So then I couldn't fucking bring myself to eat all day! I knew I had to eat something or I was gonna go overboard starving and buy taco bell. So I made a cole slaw (what a weirdo who WANTS to eat cole slaw...)--I made the whole stupid bag and I thought we could have some with dinner. But then it was SO tasty ( i used poppy seed dressing) I kept eating it once I started I was screwed. So then of course I had to purge that! Then by dinner time I was sick with hunger again and the dinner was amazing SO delish. So I couldn't stop and had to gorge myself and eat extra bread and butter, since by this time I already knew I was gonna puke.... I went to the tanning salon to get out of the house to puke!!! Now I'm eating again so I can puke again.

This is bad. I feel guilty. I have to make a plan. step number 1 of the plan is I have to make an entry here every day. Step #2 is ONLY purge once a day at the most. that means I have to eat breakfast and little snacks through the day. I need to follow a RESTRICTIVE DIET. I have to because I have 15 (ish) more pounds to loose and what I'm doing isn't working but I have to still do SOMETHING.