WOW it's been over a month since I've posted here. I split my blog into 2 and this is the "secret" one. The other one, I've only been putting stupid food posts--recipe's, that's not SO stupid but I'm not getting any feelings about anything out and that sucks.
I think I'm maybe depressed or something. I feel like I'm barely treading water. Like, the house isn't a pig sty and I DO get out of the house with the kids and everything. but I just feel pretty bummed out and like I don't CARE to do anything. I don't know what the answer is. But I am getting a lot of self help books lately, mostly books about juicing or "living well by montel williams" stuff like that. I need to make a big change in the lifestyle department. I got a beautiful book about RAW cooking--well food prep really. I want to do a "reboot"--juice for a week or so, surrounded by weeks of raw only eating (before and after). I think I need about 5 new kitchen gadgets though. I need a better juicer, a dehydrator, and a NICE mandolin slicer. Eating well like that can get expensive but I think I can manage to keep it reasonable if I have all the proper gadgetry. I guess I could start with at least the juicing, I HAVE a juicer already, and try to get some raw eating incorporated that doesn't REQUIRE that fancy stuff.... Start slow...
I've been still throwing up 2 or 3 times a day and (gross) I'm like a fuckin PRO at it now which is not cool or cute I know. I can just bend over and it comes RIGHT out like I'm simply exhaling. I do still gag to "make sure" I get out as much as I can. But then OF COURSE I have no self control because as you know-purging CAUSES me to binge uncontrollably on peanut butter and ritz crackers every night. so even if I puke out everything all day, I hork on 1000 fat calories at night and then GO TO BED and absorb all that. So I'm still hovering at around 135, although I don't REALLY know because I haven't gone to the gym in 2 fat fucking weeks.
I gotta go.....
love you girls
Tuesday, January 31, 2012
Sunday, December 18, 2011
toe is better
Hi girls, I wanted to let you know my toe is better. still looks totally gross, but not infected anymore. Now it just looks like an old man toe, peeling and turning brown on the nail sweet! :-(
I feel like a looser and a failure as far as my weight and not throwing up. For one thing, I haven't been going to the gym AT ALL. It's been at least a week. I have been going to physical therapy because I have this bad issue with my shoulder that started in BodyPump class. Its just jacked. Hurts all the time, feels like it's falling off. BodyPump is out of the question and the last time I tried swimming, my shoulder clicked so bad I had to stop. Right now, I'm just trying to get it stronger by doing exercises that don't hurt at the same time. The physical therapist gave me stretchy bands and a bunch of exercises that help I'm supposed to do twice a day as well as icing it. I've been going twice a week. It is REALLY frustrating....
Aside from no gym, I have been b/p-ing around 2 times a day. Last night we went to a fancy $100 dinner at Jakes Famous Crawfish. My boss (the owner of the apartments I manage) gave us a gift card. I had crabcakes for an appetizer, a REGULAR coke, a light mixed greens salad, and for dinner I had Ling Cod. It was REALLY good. I had a super bad anxiety attack at dinner though :-( I started talking about this time I went deep sea fishing with my Dad. I'll just give you guys the quick version: My Daddy took me on a deep sea fishing trip. We only caught sea bass but the big deal cool fish to catch was the Ling Cod. They are wild crazy fish and when one was caught, the fisherman had to bring it up to the waters edge but not OUT of the water or the fish would escape. Another fisherman would come over and scoop the fish out with a net. Then someone would beat the fish on the head with a bat to kill it quickly which sounds mean, but I think it's better than the thing suffocating slowly for hours in a burlap bag. Anyway, on this fishing trip with my Dad, I got my first period of my whole life. It was a big deal trip and then I started kind of crying at dinner while I told it and regretting that I started talking about it and thinking that if I was home I wouldn't EVEN finish my dinner and would probably go throw up right then. But it was a fancy dinner and so yummy and expensive and I just had to be brave. Husband started telling me that I was so awesome and overcame so much and I'm not like my mom. I said ya, I know I'm doing so well but I miss my fuckin parents you know? I just want my mom and some good old times fishing with my dad like that. Both of my parent's died and also my stepdad who raised me (just some background for you guys) and it SUCKS. Not trying to have a pity party, but it really does hurt sometimes. So I was feeling that BIG pressure in my throat for wanting to JUST CRY hard, I had all these big feelings to GET OUT. And I can never get them out--it hurts in my guts and on top of that I ate and ate and it was a meal that is OK not like a plate of sausage and cheese or something gross. But I had that sick HORROR of being full on top of that sad feeling. It was bad. If I could have thrown up I would have. SO then we went to the mall and I HONESTLY had to pee so I went to Macy's and I swore to my husband it was just to pee and I kept my promise. I got a doorbuster babydoll dress at Fredericks for $9 I'll put a picture soon... GOD I don't think there's anything better than feeling like I look good and can fit in lingerie!! We came home and played around with the new laptop "santa" got for our son for Christmas--getting it set up so it's ready to go (sons were at a sleepover)..... Then we turned down the lights, put on some tunes, I got changed into my fredericks deal and bow chicka bowwow....... good times
So then this morning, he said something to me about he felt good last night after dinner not bloated "but you didn't feel so good cuz you went in the bathroom and threw up" AAAAHHH I didn't though.
I recently had my AA birthday 4 years. And I "chaired" my meeting so I sat up front and told some of my story and I really HATE HATE public speaking but this has gotten a bit easier for me every year. Not to cheese anyone out the door but I DO have a Higher Power. I'm not Christian and I don't believe Jesus Christ is my lord and savior. Sorry. I believe in GOD but it's more like "the force" and my Higher Power is ME if I were totally enlightened. Like When I pray, who am I praying to? I know God is bigger than any religion. "he" doesn't care about morals or commandments. There IS no "HE" to care about specifics.... So but I DO pray. and here's why: when I do the ACTION--getting down on my knees, being GRATEFUL, it gets ME plugged in. It gets my mind where I need to be to have peace and serenity. A LOT of "trippy" stuff happens to me too. Like the other day I made this commitment to try to be closer to God and so I decided to pray. but I don't know how to pray right. So I have this little daily meditations for women book. I brought that to where I pray in my room and I got on my knees and I opened it and to me, at that moment, the one for that day REALLY spoke to me. It was the day before I was going to speak at AA and it was about trusting God and our lives will be eased in direct proportion to our faith. It was like answering my prayer before I could pray it and that made me cry. just a little.
today I didn't really eat until 9pm. I mean, I didn't eat a meal. I ate one square of dark chocolate with sea salt (SOOOO good), and coffee. And then as I made dinner I had a couple nibbles of bread. I made a DE LISH chowder with turkey polska kielbasa as the meat. SO fattening and BAD bad, but good. I waited till husband went to bed to eat for real, then purge. then now I'm having tea.
so ya. I'm going to try to make it to a spin class tomorrow that shouldn't hurt my arm. I'm doing OK not packing on the pounds, only just still stuck at 133 which isn't the end of the world I just need to get my ass to the gym.
love you girls.
Aside from no gym, I have been b/p-ing around 2 times a day. Last night we went to a fancy $100 dinner at Jakes Famous Crawfish. My boss (the owner of the apartments I manage) gave us a gift card. I had crabcakes for an appetizer, a REGULAR coke, a light mixed greens salad, and for dinner I had Ling Cod. It was REALLY good. I had a super bad anxiety attack at dinner though :-( I started talking about this time I went deep sea fishing with my Dad. I'll just give you guys the quick version: My Daddy took me on a deep sea fishing trip. We only caught sea bass but the big deal cool fish to catch was the Ling Cod. They are wild crazy fish and when one was caught, the fisherman had to bring it up to the waters edge but not OUT of the water or the fish would escape. Another fisherman would come over and scoop the fish out with a net. Then someone would beat the fish on the head with a bat to kill it quickly which sounds mean, but I think it's better than the thing suffocating slowly for hours in a burlap bag. Anyway, on this fishing trip with my Dad, I got my first period of my whole life. It was a big deal trip and then I started kind of crying at dinner while I told it and regretting that I started talking about it and thinking that if I was home I wouldn't EVEN finish my dinner and would probably go throw up right then. But it was a fancy dinner and so yummy and expensive and I just had to be brave. Husband started telling me that I was so awesome and overcame so much and I'm not like my mom. I said ya, I know I'm doing so well but I miss my fuckin parents you know? I just want my mom and some good old times fishing with my dad like that. Both of my parent's died and also my stepdad who raised me (just some background for you guys) and it SUCKS. Not trying to have a pity party, but it really does hurt sometimes. So I was feeling that BIG pressure in my throat for wanting to JUST CRY hard, I had all these big feelings to GET OUT. And I can never get them out--it hurts in my guts and on top of that I ate and ate and it was a meal that is OK not like a plate of sausage and cheese or something gross. But I had that sick HORROR of being full on top of that sad feeling. It was bad. If I could have thrown up I would have. SO then we went to the mall and I HONESTLY had to pee so I went to Macy's and I swore to my husband it was just to pee and I kept my promise. I got a doorbuster babydoll dress at Fredericks for $9 I'll put a picture soon... GOD I don't think there's anything better than feeling like I look good and can fit in lingerie!! We came home and played around with the new laptop "santa" got for our son for Christmas--getting it set up so it's ready to go (sons were at a sleepover)..... Then we turned down the lights, put on some tunes, I got changed into my fredericks deal and bow chicka bowwow....... good times
So then this morning, he said something to me about he felt good last night after dinner not bloated "but you didn't feel so good cuz you went in the bathroom and threw up" AAAAHHH I didn't though.
I recently had my AA birthday 4 years. And I "chaired" my meeting so I sat up front and told some of my story and I really HATE HATE public speaking but this has gotten a bit easier for me every year. Not to cheese anyone out the door but I DO have a Higher Power. I'm not Christian and I don't believe Jesus Christ is my lord and savior. Sorry. I believe in GOD but it's more like "the force" and my Higher Power is ME if I were totally enlightened. Like When I pray, who am I praying to? I know God is bigger than any religion. "he" doesn't care about morals or commandments. There IS no "HE" to care about specifics.... So but I DO pray. and here's why: when I do the ACTION--getting down on my knees, being GRATEFUL, it gets ME plugged in. It gets my mind where I need to be to have peace and serenity. A LOT of "trippy" stuff happens to me too. Like the other day I made this commitment to try to be closer to God and so I decided to pray. but I don't know how to pray right. So I have this little daily meditations for women book. I brought that to where I pray in my room and I got on my knees and I opened it and to me, at that moment, the one for that day REALLY spoke to me. It was the day before I was going to speak at AA and it was about trusting God and our lives will be eased in direct proportion to our faith. It was like answering my prayer before I could pray it and that made me cry. just a little.
today I didn't really eat until 9pm. I mean, I didn't eat a meal. I ate one square of dark chocolate with sea salt (SOOOO good), and coffee. And then as I made dinner I had a couple nibbles of bread. I made a DE LISH chowder with turkey polska kielbasa as the meat. SO fattening and BAD bad, but good. I waited till husband went to bed to eat for real, then purge. then now I'm having tea.
so ya. I'm going to try to make it to a spin class tomorrow that shouldn't hurt my arm. I'm doing OK not packing on the pounds, only just still stuck at 133 which isn't the end of the world I just need to get my ass to the gym.
love you girls.
Friday, December 2, 2011
miss my girls
Hi friends! I've missed you! I didn't get to check all of thanksgiving weekend. This week I have been able to read some but I'm pretty sure I missed some stuff. :-( If I didn't comment on something I should have, if there's anything I need to know, let me know kay?
So I'm just gonna spill my guts here (oooh good pun).... I was very good all of Thanksgiving. I didn't puke until the last meal of the last night we were there.
Not too long before the holiday, my husband and I had a night alone. we went out to dinner. we went to Qdoba which is like, a big anxiety for me! way back when I was super health queen and didn't puke all the time I would go there and get a naked burrito with no rice just black beans, fajita veggies, lettuce, chicken, and salsa. NOW when I go, I get a regular nasty burrito with beans, rice, cheese, meat, sour cream, salsa, QUESO sauce!!! prolly 1100 cals. and then I always puke after. But this night at dinner with hubby, I didn't finish it because I didn't know how i was going to be able to purge after. then I got super quiet and got that sinking feeling of horror like I'm so busted. He asked what was wrong and I said I was having anxiety and he asked if it was because I wanted to throw up and i said ya. which was a relief. I talked openly about the anxiety and that is a really good weapon against it. He was SO SWEET you guys. he said " do you want to go to the mall and we can walk it off?"
anyway, I did really well during thanksgiving like I said. all the foods were SOOOO good and I was mostly good except for dinners anyway. I feel like i ate like a hog and I gained 5 pounds, but meanwhile his parents made a few little comments about "you know you really shouldn't cut all the fat out of your diet" when I didnt' want to put butter on my whole wheat eggo's. I ended up putting butter :-P
Now I have a dilemma. I have an infection in my toe. its not an ingrown nail and there's no pus (eeew) but its red and swollen and that's the diagnosis. Probably got it from the nasty gym showers and everything. it's not visibly dirty, but I'm sure its a germ-o-rama. I've never done the flip flop in the shower thing, and I'm totally going to now. Anyway, I'm trying so hard to trust my doctor and do what he says. I'm going to physical therapy and just practicing self care. OF COURSE I looked up "big toe pain at night" on google, because it was so bad some nights that it woke me up and I was scared. I became convinced that I have Gout. But it's not gout and I believe my doctor. but then he gave me antibiotics right. I didn't even read the side effects because I'm GONNA get all of them if I read that stupid thing. So I took it and forgot about it. Couple hours later I found myself sitting on the side of my bed for like 10 minutes straight staring into the mirror all dazed. I felt edgy, and woozy and sad. SO THEN i read the side effects. it said if you get swelling in your mouth or a rash, go to the er. If you experience mood changes, or a bunch of other things, call your doctor. then I got a little panicky and that of course made me over analyze if I was having mood changes. but I didnt like it. So I called and let them know. well when I took it, i took it right after I purged lunch. and once I ate, hours later, I felt better. they basically told me to keep taking it. So a bunch of drama for nothing but I'd rather feel dumb than have a panic attack all night from not calling. I think I'm going to have to take them with food and not puke the whole fucking time I'm taking it!! FUCK. AND I can't tan while I take it. Oh, it's a 10 day course. :-(
splotchy cuz of my socks...
lately I have been gaining. I'm back down to 131--I got as high as 136 and that made me sad. I reaaaally want to be a health nut again. what's wrong with me? I know what to do and I don't do it! every day! damn
So I'm just gonna spill my guts here (oooh good pun).... I was very good all of Thanksgiving. I didn't puke until the last meal of the last night we were there.
Not too long before the holiday, my husband and I had a night alone. we went out to dinner. we went to Qdoba which is like, a big anxiety for me! way back when I was super health queen and didn't puke all the time I would go there and get a naked burrito with no rice just black beans, fajita veggies, lettuce, chicken, and salsa. NOW when I go, I get a regular nasty burrito with beans, rice, cheese, meat, sour cream, salsa, QUESO sauce!!! prolly 1100 cals. and then I always puke after. But this night at dinner with hubby, I didn't finish it because I didn't know how i was going to be able to purge after. then I got super quiet and got that sinking feeling of horror like I'm so busted. He asked what was wrong and I said I was having anxiety and he asked if it was because I wanted to throw up and i said ya. which was a relief. I talked openly about the anxiety and that is a really good weapon against it. He was SO SWEET you guys. he said " do you want to go to the mall and we can walk it off?"
anyway, I did really well during thanksgiving like I said. all the foods were SOOOO good and I was mostly good except for dinners anyway. I feel like i ate like a hog and I gained 5 pounds, but meanwhile his parents made a few little comments about "you know you really shouldn't cut all the fat out of your diet" when I didnt' want to put butter on my whole wheat eggo's. I ended up putting butter :-P
Now I have a dilemma. I have an infection in my toe. its not an ingrown nail and there's no pus (eeew) but its red and swollen and that's the diagnosis. Probably got it from the nasty gym showers and everything. it's not visibly dirty, but I'm sure its a germ-o-rama. I've never done the flip flop in the shower thing, and I'm totally going to now. Anyway, I'm trying so hard to trust my doctor and do what he says. I'm going to physical therapy and just practicing self care. OF COURSE I looked up "big toe pain at night" on google, because it was so bad some nights that it woke me up and I was scared. I became convinced that I have Gout. But it's not gout and I believe my doctor. but then he gave me antibiotics right. I didn't even read the side effects because I'm GONNA get all of them if I read that stupid thing. So I took it and forgot about it. Couple hours later I found myself sitting on the side of my bed for like 10 minutes straight staring into the mirror all dazed. I felt edgy, and woozy and sad. SO THEN i read the side effects. it said if you get swelling in your mouth or a rash, go to the er. If you experience mood changes, or a bunch of other things, call your doctor. then I got a little panicky and that of course made me over analyze if I was having mood changes. but I didnt like it. So I called and let them know. well when I took it, i took it right after I purged lunch. and once I ate, hours later, I felt better. they basically told me to keep taking it. So a bunch of drama for nothing but I'd rather feel dumb than have a panic attack all night from not calling. I think I'm going to have to take them with food and not puke the whole fucking time I'm taking it!! FUCK. AND I can't tan while I take it. Oh, it's a 10 day course. :-(
lately I have been gaining. I'm back down to 131--I got as high as 136 and that made me sad. I reaaaally want to be a health nut again. what's wrong with me? I know what to do and I don't do it! every day! damn
Friday, November 18, 2011
Pirates Booty
Fuckin finally eh??? Sorry, I was on, um, hiatus.
OK I wasn't on hiatus OK. I was reading and feeling guilty because I did a good job of cutting out purging and then I tiptoed back into it and FUCK. I mean, to be honest, I don't hate it. I'm a little over talking about it at the moment. But i started back with the purging and going to the gym and I'm back down to 126 (which is good) then this whole week I didn't go. for 5 days in a row. UGH, but I told husband we have to go both days this weekend.
The last few days I've been obsessing about I got clip in hair extensions. They are so much fun. I got one set at Sallys for $100 and one set on ebay for $30. The sally's ones are better but the ebay ones are TOTALLY worth more than what I paid. they're not AS good, but they're real hair and everything nice. I have in both sets this eve. I've just been doing a lot of trying out how and where to place them and everything.
So that's me at the mall tonight. There's hella hair in the back flowing down so thick too. I love it. And ok, I'm not trying to be conceited right now but I swear I think I look better than I did in high school. Not as young duh, but cuter and all that. I was skinny in high school but I was 100% dork. I guess everyone thinks that but I'm totally serious and sometimes I feel that way still. But these days I have about 99% more confidence. Sometimes I think I really have BDD but the OTHER way--like I think I look better than I really do but then I see a mirror and get embarrassed cuz I'm a claude . but then sometimes I get lucky and a picture turns out ok.....
I went to Fredericks in the mall... I got this strappy little number for $12 bux!! and the panty is crotchless. I've never really tried those, I hope it works out. haha... That's my messy bedroom in the background I had to try to shade it out--SHAME, but could I take 2 seconds to straighten it out? guess not.
OK I wasn't on hiatus OK. I was reading and feeling guilty because I did a good job of cutting out purging and then I tiptoed back into it and FUCK. I mean, to be honest, I don't hate it. I'm a little over talking about it at the moment. But i started back with the purging and going to the gym and I'm back down to 126 (which is good) then this whole week I didn't go. for 5 days in a row. UGH, but I told husband we have to go both days this weekend.
The last few days I've been obsessing about I got clip in hair extensions. They are so much fun. I got one set at Sallys for $100 and one set on ebay for $30. The sally's ones are better but the ebay ones are TOTALLY worth more than what I paid. they're not AS good, but they're real hair and everything nice. I have in both sets this eve. I've just been doing a lot of trying out how and where to place them and everything.
So that's me at the mall tonight. There's hella hair in the back flowing down so thick too. I love it. And ok, I'm not trying to be conceited right now but I swear I think I look better than I did in high school. Not as young duh, but cuter and all that. I was skinny in high school but I was 100% dork. I guess everyone thinks that but I'm totally serious and sometimes I feel that way still. But these days I have about 99% more confidence. Sometimes I think I really have BDD but the OTHER way--like I think I look better than I really do but then I see a mirror and get embarrassed cuz I'm a claude . but then sometimes I get lucky and a picture turns out ok.....
I went to Fredericks in the mall... I got this strappy little number for $12 bux!! and the panty is crotchless. I've never really tried those, I hope it works out. haha... That's my messy bedroom in the background I had to try to shade it out--SHAME, but could I take 2 seconds to straighten it out? guess not.
I'm THIRTY SIX years old. I'm not saying I look 18, but when I WAS 18, I didn't look this good and I definitely didn't think I'd look presentable in this type of outfit when I got to 36. When I was 17, 18 years old, I would look at my flat tummy in the mirror in wonderment. At my smooth perky boobs. smooth everything. I thought I'll NEVER be fat or stretched out, or have saggy boobs. I still don't have saggy boobs. But I went YEARS without looking in the mirror. and Now, I have bits and wobbles and flaps and STRETCH MARKS all over. but you know what, NO ONE sees all that. Not even my husband. Cuz we light candles and he doesn't notice bits n jiggles.
Why is this centered all the sudden??
AH HA! I figured it out..... Ok so listen. If any of you is my friend on facebook, don't say anything on there about this blog ever. I know that's paranoid, but I have to just say it. kay.
Hearts
Saturday, October 29, 2011
kifer
Kifer is a cultured milk drink. YES its super high in calories, like, out of the question to high for some of you girls. 180 for 8 oz!! But I think it's even better than yogurt for the probiotic properties. Probiotics + apples = results. I needed the good bacteria to get the flora in my vaj back to normal :-) and the other results are just a bonus. And ya, I still didn't take any laxies. Somethin aint broke, don't fix it. that's what I always say! Just kidding, I've never said that.
Anyhoo, the other thing I wanted to tell about is the Allegra for Reynauds thing. Ya, it can work, it may not but he wanted me to try it because it might we'll see. The cold hands is a histamine signal like allergies I guess and allegra is an antihistamine. He promised me that Allegra is not like banadryl and is NOT mind altering. I still haven't gotten it though. probably next week. And as far as issues/problems/disorders go, this is kind of easy to manage. Before I knew what it was, it was super frustrating.
speaking of frustrating. I lost my brand new goggles and my swim cap at the gym. I left it there on Thursday and it's not in the lost n found and it's not in my house. LAME.. I've forgotten stuff at the gym and it's never in the lost n found. Like swimsuits. WTF I would NEVER EVER wear a swimsuit I "found" left at the gym. What if I saw someone IN MY swimsuit? People are scumbags. It's only happened a few times in like 10 years. but SHEEZE. I just spent $20 on those goggles :-(
Anyhoo, the other thing I wanted to tell about is the Allegra for Reynauds thing. Ya, it can work, it may not but he wanted me to try it because it might we'll see. The cold hands is a histamine signal like allergies I guess and allegra is an antihistamine. He promised me that Allegra is not like banadryl and is NOT mind altering. I still haven't gotten it though. probably next week. And as far as issues/problems/disorders go, this is kind of easy to manage. Before I knew what it was, it was super frustrating.
speaking of frustrating. I lost my brand new goggles and my swim cap at the gym. I left it there on Thursday and it's not in the lost n found and it's not in my house. LAME.. I've forgotten stuff at the gym and it's never in the lost n found. Like swimsuits. WTF I would NEVER EVER wear a swimsuit I "found" left at the gym. What if I saw someone IN MY swimsuit? People are scumbags. It's only happened a few times in like 10 years. but SHEEZE. I just spent $20 on those goggles :-(
a miracle happened
OMG I pooped without any laxatives! I can't even believe it. I got a yeast infection (lovely post eh) on last sat. Sun eve I used a one day treatment Ovule. Starting Monday, I was in the worst torture crotch rotch state till Thursday. this is bad but MY PEE HOLE was bleeding!! THAT was on Wed. so that night I got Cranberry juice concentrate and drank 4 glasses of straight nasty Cran juice with no sweetener. And I got Kefir, AND I got plain yogurt which, yes, I inserted "up there".... All that cuz I knew I was seeing my doc today., otherwise I would have called, I tried to hold out. By the time today happened, I was on the road to recovery. I THINK. Its not an intense burning/itching. Just sore!!! I swear, that one day ovule made it worse, well it did it's OWN harsh burning to my tender bits. And other than itching and pain, I didn't have TOO much of the "other symptoms" that I don't need to name. The doc gave me a one oral pill treatment, with lots of refills for if this happens again. Which it won't I'm gonna keep on the kifer. This stuff is miraculous, back to poo. I haven't gone naturally in like, a year. HAHA, I didn't take any laxies for a few days because during all that drama, it's just NOT a good idea. I don't need to get into specifics do I? anyway I was puttering around the house and i was like (to myself) "what IS that feeling?" then I said "hmmmm, I wonder....? if its?" and so I grabbed a book and went in the ladies room and a miracle happened. I KNOW it's the kefir. It has so many probiotics and I drank it before bed 2 nights in a row. Plus all that cran juice didn't hurt I bet.
I've been having Some good and some bad times with purging. I'm TRYING but I can't say I've been 100% successful. I must not be doing it TOO much cuz I'm starting to go down in weight. going to the gym has been hard too lately. I swam 20 laps yesterday but that was about all I did all week. We'll go tomorrow too.
must...... sleep......
xo
Update: DUH I can't believe I almost forgot this: I ave reynauds syndrome. I got tested and I have markers or whatever for autoimmune disorder. It's not lupus or rheumatoid arthrits. And the only symptom I get (right now) is the really super bad attacks of cold hands/fingers/toes. Its like a reaction happens where they freeze up. Sometimes just one or two fingers or toes, while the others are HOT it's REALLY weird. I think it's worse before my period so we're gonna keep track of that. He also suggested I take allegra to see if that helps.
k night
I've been having Some good and some bad times with purging. I'm TRYING but I can't say I've been 100% successful. I must not be doing it TOO much cuz I'm starting to go down in weight. going to the gym has been hard too lately. I swam 20 laps yesterday but that was about all I did all week. We'll go tomorrow too.
must...... sleep......
xo
Update: DUH I can't believe I almost forgot this: I ave reynauds syndrome. I got tested and I have markers or whatever for autoimmune disorder. It's not lupus or rheumatoid arthrits. And the only symptom I get (right now) is the really super bad attacks of cold hands/fingers/toes. Its like a reaction happens where they freeze up. Sometimes just one or two fingers or toes, while the others are HOT it's REALLY weird. I think it's worse before my period so we're gonna keep track of that. He also suggested I take allegra to see if that helps.
k night
Saturday, October 22, 2011
ugh.
I HATE to be a flake. I HATE to be wishy washy. (I'm gonna whine here) But I have been going up in weight and I'm panicked and I just threw up. :-( I'm gonna be a huge hypocrite. I am all making this separate blog so I can go public with my other blog and show recipes and give weight loss tips cuz my RL friends ask me all the time and I just feel like such a liar. I was stuck at 126 when I WAS puking every day. I stopped, it's been more than a week, and today at the gym I weighed 131!!! My period ended a day ago, there's NO reason for a temp weight gain. It's not temporary. I GAINED 8 pounds since we went to CA (july)
I DO have good news though: I went to the doc on Friday, I had some lab work done the week before. I got blood drawn just a day after I had cut out puking. I was afraid my EVERY level of every test would be bad. From lax abuse and throwing up. Well guess what. I have OPTIMAL cholesterol, not diabetic, perfect electrolytes, thyroid and white blood cells.... Makes it hard to remind myself that puking is bad for my health when I'm in perfect health.
I DO have good news though: I went to the doc on Friday, I had some lab work done the week before. I got blood drawn just a day after I had cut out puking. I was afraid my EVERY level of every test would be bad. From lax abuse and throwing up. Well guess what. I have OPTIMAL cholesterol, not diabetic, perfect electrolytes, thyroid and white blood cells.... Makes it hard to remind myself that puking is bad for my health when I'm in perfect health.
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