So I have acne and my hair is falling out. Husband and I are on this whole vegan thing together. I am committed. I think eating meat is wrong, especially in the factory produced system we have. Even if it's not factory, I think the best health comes from a plant based diet. But hair falling out and bad skin is not a good outcome!!! And I know the truth is that I throw up and don't absorb any good nutrients. I mean this is all generally speaking. From when I posted last, I was eating SO LITTLE and then puking when I did eat, and whatever I ate wasn't some buttery juicy fat. It was like, kale salad. SO I KNOW the real reason my hair is falling and I have cystic acne RIGHT on my chin where my hand rubs and presses when I'm purging, is from the puking. So I confessed to husband again. He was confused because he SEES I don't buy bad foods and he just didn't get WHY I would do that if I'm not even eating anything bad. I tried explaining, Its just that full feeling that makes me panic and sometimes I can't stop eating tortilla chips (my guilty pleasure) so I feel like I have to purge and I say fuck it and eat every "good" food in my house. At LEAST I don't even buy naughty treats anymore. AT LEAST that. I got a RX for the acne and then decided not to take it. I know if I really eat right and KEEP it in, my skin will be the envy of all. Everyone still TELLS me I look great and my skin is super. I'm like, I KNOW I'm not fuckin imagining this shit. But I'm not taking that med, it goes against my whole reasonfor eating well and making my own everything (beauty products) lately. Its just not the best to take that I know. If I dont purge and I still have a problem, then we'll talk. After that confesssion, I didn't puke for 2 days, then I did for 2 days then I didn't for 2 days again, then I did tonight. So, I'm still working on it. I was puking 3 times a day, now like 3 times a week..... I also got Glycolic acid from Sephora again. that stuff worked to give me rad skin and HELLOOOOOO THE GYM??? I need to get back swimming that has always erased zits for me too.... ZITS!!?? I just turned 37 on Monday. wtf.
ok I have to go to bed.
love you girls
Thursday, August 16, 2012
Friday, August 3, 2012
desperate to purge
yesterday mid-day I was 135ish. when I went to bed I was 137 blah. when I got up in the am today I was 133.8 I didn't eat all day till 4pm I had veggies n a lil hummus. Its my big sons birthday so we went out and he had pizza and a milkshake! haha!! I had that hummus deal, then came home and purged. THEN I went on the scale (obsessed much) and I was 134 fully dressed with jeans and shoes so I fuckin stripped. 132.6 aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh I was so ecstatic. THEN we went to Fro Yo and I had a little non dairy gluten free pineapple flavor with toasted coconut & little mochi balls. I needed to run a couple errands so I dropped all boys off at home and went out. It was 9pm and I was just so antsy to purge that froyo. I went to a special store JUST to buy apples cuz they are the only store with these certain apples. they have a nice bathroom, but it's not a one person it has stalls. so I totally figured no one would be in there. and no one was! wheew. So I get in there and of course someone walked in. perfect. I tried to fidget with my phone and wait for them to leave but it was obvs not happening so I was like WHATEVER THANKS ALOT!! in my inside voice. Now I was just DESPERATE to purge and I knew it was too late. I was so grossed out that I ate that and I'm sure it was a globby lump in my tummy. well I came home and ate a rice noodle ramen. purged that and got SOOOOO Swoozy and stoned just like the good old days. difference is: back then I would wuss out and eat spoon after spoon of honey, or chocolate. Just ravenous and no control. tonight I just drank a FULL glass of water and took my vitamins (RX meds, flax oil, adult chewable multi) and sat on the couch and just felt my feelings instead of trying to escape. Its a little unpleasant but I don't want to jeopardize that 132 something and starving all day just to hog out on chocolate. well I don't even BUY myself chocolate anymore.... ALSO in the olden days I would eat a LOT of ritz crackers and peanut butter every night after my purge. Now I eat an apple and MAYBE some peanut butter.
Its big son's birthday and thank God we got him a couple little things in advance because payday is sun and I had to just run up a credit card to take him out and about today. I didn't even get his "big" present yet and I feel like a looser mom. money things suck and stress me out. I wonder every day: should I go to school, or should i get a job..... ugh
Its big son's birthday and thank God we got him a couple little things in advance because payday is sun and I had to just run up a credit card to take him out and about today. I didn't even get his "big" present yet and I feel like a looser mom. money things suck and stress me out. I wonder every day: should I go to school, or should i get a job..... ugh
Wednesday, August 1, 2012
hi girls TMI WARNING
Long time no see eh? I've been ok. Time to start blogging more. I have my other public one and I am so fake over there I HAVE to get my real talk out somewhere. I'm not really "fake" over there, just leave pretty much all my feelings or drama out.
So lets see. Today I'm in a daze because I got some confusing as shit test results back. A few months ago, I made seitan--AKA "wheat meat". it is a meat substitute, very high protien, made from wheat gluten. I had really bad stomach consequences and something just clicked: maybe I have gluten issues. Because I have stomach issues ALL the time every day. A HUGE bloated gassy tummy, hurting so bad, ruining my life, no gas ever coming OUT. Just BOING BONG-ing around in my gullet .... I'm surprised I never thought of the gluten thing sooner. So that was the last week in April. I started right then to cut gluten out. For about 2 months (may & june) I was gluten free--but I was making a huge mistake. I was still having "issues" and I thought maybe it wasn't gluten at all that was the problem. I started cutting out other things around this time too. Cut dairy, and stopped taking laxatives (I'M OFF LAXATIVES!!!). Then I started REALLY scrutinizing labels and found out I wasn't gluten free all the way!!! Being vegan, I eat lots of stir fries, and I went to sushi lots.... Guess what is in soy sauce (and therefore every teriyaki sauce, stir fry sauce....) WHEAT. So I went 100% Gluten free starting around july 4th. Add that to the no dairy, and the no laxatives, my tummy has never been happier. So I go get this blood work done to test for gluten antibodies. Celiac disease and just general gluten sensitivities. That was july 23-after 2 full months of gluten free, and about 3 weeks STRICTLY gluten free. Well guess what. The tests came back "normal"... I was so confused and spaced out over this all day. Then I read a whole bunch on the internet (duh) about false negatives. 3 top search results on google said you HAVE to be eating gluten when you get tested. If you think you have a problem and you WANT an official diagnosis, get the test BEFORE you try elimination diet experimenting. I talked to my husband and I talked to my sponsor and I feel better now. I know the deal, and I know what works for me and I'm sticking to it. I'm very frustrated with my doctor right now because I asked him SPECIFICALLY if I should be eating gluten before the test and he said no, it won't matter. I've been watching a million TED talks, and documentaries and I'm like OVER the whole medical industry. You know, I've been working with this same doctor for a few years now and he has never ONCE asked me what I eat/how I eat/if I exercise. I tell him sometimes, I'll say "I rode my bike here" or "I'm trying this gluten free experiment. He could give a flying fuck. I heard a statistic in one of these documentaries that doctors only get 2 hours of nutrition "training" in ALL of medical school. This one little fact makes me NUTS. JUST NUTS. I can't take it
***this is the TMI part***
anyway. what else. Ok want some more drama? SO I'm pretty sure I've mentioned before that I'm a sex abuse survivor. Well, another thing I talked to my doctor about is I have some disfigurement on my vagina. From that abuse. Its that my inner labia are TOO LONG. They tear!!!! they get torn right where it connects to the clitoral hood (TMI) and I'll get shooting pain all over the area, and it will get infected super easy. RUINS my sex life. I told him I'm ready to talk about options. So he was supposed to do a Pap smear that day, but he referred me to get in with a GYNO doc specialist. I need to call and make an appt that reminds me... anyway, this is HUGE. I have never even fully gone through this problem (the whole trauma not just my vag) in therapy. I've skimmed the surface but I always wuss out and loose my shit. I can never get all the way through it. So anyway, it would just be so crazy for me. To not have that pain, annoyance, and constant reminder. BUT we're talking about SURGERY on my tutu. Cutting, stitches..... ugh I just can't even think of it right now. I'm just going to take it step by step.
as far as ED goes, I've been doing the same as I have the last year. Puking once or twice a day, sometimes more. only now I never binge on taco bell or top ramen. I just puke my regular (pretty frikken healthy) meals WHEN/if I eat. Tonight, I rode my bike 10 miles and at the end, both my legs were cramped so bad and i know it's because I didn't eat enough all day before hand. But I'm still 135 pounds and I want to loose!
Today I ate:
Coffee with soy creamer (didn't puke)
Tortilla chips, probably in truth 2 servings (didn't puke)
Bikeride
Vegan (no tuna) salad and more chips (puked)
a giant apple, and some peanut butter (didn't puke) just right now....
So lets see. Today I'm in a daze because I got some confusing as shit test results back. A few months ago, I made seitan--AKA "wheat meat". it is a meat substitute, very high protien, made from wheat gluten. I had really bad stomach consequences and something just clicked: maybe I have gluten issues. Because I have stomach issues ALL the time every day. A HUGE bloated gassy tummy, hurting so bad, ruining my life, no gas ever coming OUT. Just BOING BONG-ing around in my gullet .... I'm surprised I never thought of the gluten thing sooner. So that was the last week in April. I started right then to cut gluten out. For about 2 months (may & june) I was gluten free--but I was making a huge mistake. I was still having "issues" and I thought maybe it wasn't gluten at all that was the problem. I started cutting out other things around this time too. Cut dairy, and stopped taking laxatives (I'M OFF LAXATIVES!!!). Then I started REALLY scrutinizing labels and found out I wasn't gluten free all the way!!! Being vegan, I eat lots of stir fries, and I went to sushi lots.... Guess what is in soy sauce (and therefore every teriyaki sauce, stir fry sauce....) WHEAT. So I went 100% Gluten free starting around july 4th. Add that to the no dairy, and the no laxatives, my tummy has never been happier. So I go get this blood work done to test for gluten antibodies. Celiac disease and just general gluten sensitivities. That was july 23-after 2 full months of gluten free, and about 3 weeks STRICTLY gluten free. Well guess what. The tests came back "normal"... I was so confused and spaced out over this all day. Then I read a whole bunch on the internet (duh) about false negatives. 3 top search results on google said you HAVE to be eating gluten when you get tested. If you think you have a problem and you WANT an official diagnosis, get the test BEFORE you try elimination diet experimenting. I talked to my husband and I talked to my sponsor and I feel better now. I know the deal, and I know what works for me and I'm sticking to it. I'm very frustrated with my doctor right now because I asked him SPECIFICALLY if I should be eating gluten before the test and he said no, it won't matter. I've been watching a million TED talks, and documentaries and I'm like OVER the whole medical industry. You know, I've been working with this same doctor for a few years now and he has never ONCE asked me what I eat/how I eat/if I exercise. I tell him sometimes, I'll say "I rode my bike here" or "I'm trying this gluten free experiment. He could give a flying fuck. I heard a statistic in one of these documentaries that doctors only get 2 hours of nutrition "training" in ALL of medical school. This one little fact makes me NUTS. JUST NUTS. I can't take it
***this is the TMI part***
anyway. what else. Ok want some more drama? SO I'm pretty sure I've mentioned before that I'm a sex abuse survivor. Well, another thing I talked to my doctor about is I have some disfigurement on my vagina. From that abuse. Its that my inner labia are TOO LONG. They tear!!!! they get torn right where it connects to the clitoral hood (TMI) and I'll get shooting pain all over the area, and it will get infected super easy. RUINS my sex life. I told him I'm ready to talk about options. So he was supposed to do a Pap smear that day, but he referred me to get in with a GYNO doc specialist. I need to call and make an appt that reminds me... anyway, this is HUGE. I have never even fully gone through this problem (the whole trauma not just my vag) in therapy. I've skimmed the surface but I always wuss out and loose my shit. I can never get all the way through it. So anyway, it would just be so crazy for me. To not have that pain, annoyance, and constant reminder. BUT we're talking about SURGERY on my tutu. Cutting, stitches..... ugh I just can't even think of it right now. I'm just going to take it step by step.
as far as ED goes, I've been doing the same as I have the last year. Puking once or twice a day, sometimes more. only now I never binge on taco bell or top ramen. I just puke my regular (pretty frikken healthy) meals WHEN/if I eat. Tonight, I rode my bike 10 miles and at the end, both my legs were cramped so bad and i know it's because I didn't eat enough all day before hand. But I'm still 135 pounds and I want to loose!
Today I ate:
Coffee with soy creamer (didn't puke)
Tortilla chips, probably in truth 2 servings (didn't puke)
Bikeride
Vegan (no tuna) salad and more chips (puked)
a giant apple, and some peanut butter (didn't puke) just right now....
Wednesday, April 11, 2012
so.....
ya. that.
I'm so fucked up. Not high or drunk. Just not doing great. Everything is OK on the outside. But I'm still having a hard time and it's so frustrating. I don't want to come on here to say the same whiny things every 1 or 2 months. MONTHS?? months have gone by and nothings changed. My shoulder is still fucked and I'm turning over a new leaf every day. I haven't been to the gym in forever. My shoulder is worse and the only thing I can do at the gym is ride the lame-o stationary bike. I don't even do that. I still try every day tho I swear! at least I haven't been sick for a while and I went to the doctor yesterday finally about the shoulder. I got an exray today and the MRI is ordered and in prior authorization's hands now.
Today I did "juice till dinner" I had 2 green juices with parseley, spinach, lemon, celery, cucumber, golden delicious apple. I also made some carrot apple juices for the family. then for dinner I made (something else for the fam) myself some nori cones--"handroll" like these
I filled them with napa cabbage, cooked tillapia, radish sprouts and a tad of rice.
good right? Then (because it's wednesday), husband set up the room with nice music and dim lights, and came out to get me. I got so mad. Because I am in pain. I don't go to the gym, I don't feel sexy, I've gained 15 pounds since I met my goal. (I'm 138 now). All day I dread that he will want to. I made up the rule about sat & wed are the "do it" days. It worked perfectly! but nowaday's I dread wed & sat. I told my sponsor about the no sex drive a couple days ago. She said I MUST make an appt for the doctor cuz my shoulder is ruining my life. all night I avoid eye contact. Make discouraging comments like "don't get any ideas". he still got an idea. I slammed my phone down, stomped to the room, pulled my pants down, lay on the bed. He said "its ok if you don't want to" I said "NOW you say that??" tears, drama, no do it. bad wife. He even helped me clean up after dinner. I will make it up to him tomorrow. What an asshole. It won't kill me he wrote me the NICEST letter the other morning. Just SO nice I can't even paraphrase. Cuz I was depressed and tortured for easter and I didn't even know why--it was because easter and 4th of july are all about my mom for me and since she died I flail on these holidays unless I'm otherwise totally occupied. I didn't plan ahead or even remember that I might bug about my mom because my little son had dental work last week so i was already frazzled! see? so his letter was so nice about "sorry you had a hard time" and he also said he was sorry for we got in a little fight that morning. He said he's learning to understand about HIMSELF that he still, years later, holds a grudge against me for all I put him thru with my drinking--the first 10 years of our marriage, I was drunk. He was constantly "dealing" with the consequences of that. So he has some resentments DUH! I totally get it and it was just SO sweet that HE is finally getting it and putting his finger on what drives some of our senseless bickering (when it happens. It's really not all the time and it has gotten 100% better over the last 4 years. So he tries to be better and I need to make loving love to him and show some dang appreciation.
So now, after writing this, I figured all that out, but before I got to this writing I ate almost a whole box of cinnamon toast crunch, a tube of ritz and peanut butter and yakked it, along with my beautiful nori. I shouldn't even have that garbage in the house in the first place......
I'm so fucked up. Not high or drunk. Just not doing great. Everything is OK on the outside. But I'm still having a hard time and it's so frustrating. I don't want to come on here to say the same whiny things every 1 or 2 months. MONTHS?? months have gone by and nothings changed. My shoulder is still fucked and I'm turning over a new leaf every day. I haven't been to the gym in forever. My shoulder is worse and the only thing I can do at the gym is ride the lame-o stationary bike. I don't even do that. I still try every day tho I swear! at least I haven't been sick for a while and I went to the doctor yesterday finally about the shoulder. I got an exray today and the MRI is ordered and in prior authorization's hands now.
Today I did "juice till dinner" I had 2 green juices with parseley, spinach, lemon, celery, cucumber, golden delicious apple. I also made some carrot apple juices for the family. then for dinner I made (something else for the fam) myself some nori cones--"handroll" like these
good right? Then (because it's wednesday), husband set up the room with nice music and dim lights, and came out to get me. I got so mad. Because I am in pain. I don't go to the gym, I don't feel sexy, I've gained 15 pounds since I met my goal. (I'm 138 now). All day I dread that he will want to. I made up the rule about sat & wed are the "do it" days. It worked perfectly! but nowaday's I dread wed & sat. I told my sponsor about the no sex drive a couple days ago. She said I MUST make an appt for the doctor cuz my shoulder is ruining my life. all night I avoid eye contact. Make discouraging comments like "don't get any ideas". he still got an idea. I slammed my phone down, stomped to the room, pulled my pants down, lay on the bed. He said "its ok if you don't want to" I said "NOW you say that??" tears, drama, no do it. bad wife. He even helped me clean up after dinner. I will make it up to him tomorrow. What an asshole. It won't kill me he wrote me the NICEST letter the other morning. Just SO nice I can't even paraphrase. Cuz I was depressed and tortured for easter and I didn't even know why--it was because easter and 4th of july are all about my mom for me and since she died I flail on these holidays unless I'm otherwise totally occupied. I didn't plan ahead or even remember that I might bug about my mom because my little son had dental work last week so i was already frazzled! see? so his letter was so nice about "sorry you had a hard time" and he also said he was sorry for we got in a little fight that morning. He said he's learning to understand about HIMSELF that he still, years later, holds a grudge against me for all I put him thru with my drinking--the first 10 years of our marriage, I was drunk. He was constantly "dealing" with the consequences of that. So he has some resentments DUH! I totally get it and it was just SO sweet that HE is finally getting it and putting his finger on what drives some of our senseless bickering (when it happens. It's really not all the time and it has gotten 100% better over the last 4 years. So he tries to be better and I need to make loving love to him and show some dang appreciation.
So now, after writing this, I figured all that out, but before I got to this writing I ate almost a whole box of cinnamon toast crunch, a tube of ritz and peanut butter and yakked it, along with my beautiful nori. I shouldn't even have that garbage in the house in the first place......
Wednesday, February 15, 2012
Reboot
I've been depressed lately. Then I got sick, and that was more depressing. I only went that one day of my last post not puking. Yesterday I threw up so hard that it gave me bad heart palpitations, and my neck was wider than my face. It was gross and scary :-(
I didn't make any resolutions for new years.
I've still been my flaky self, no gym, eating like a freak, puking every day 3 times.
One of my worst struggles is getting up in the morning, i HATE IT. HATE. but today, I pushed through like every day and then I just felt better and better all morning. Like I knew I was better from my sickness and I felt excited about life which is such a relief! I made a bunch of notes for how to make my own soap, how to make those aromatherapy/thermal wrap things you heat in the micro for soothing, and how to do my own custom "reboot". I keep hearing all about this concept and especially during the new year resolution time. First i have to beat the purging demon and quit HOGGING out on candy. So the first few days of my reboot is, no candy except 2 squares of chocolate at night, and NO purging. Then next few days after that is eat vegetarian, no purging, only one square of chocolate, no dairy, raw if possible. Then I'm gonna do a juice fast for 3 days. OMG I'm scared of that already.
AND I DID my plan for today!!! I have been shaking for candy all day and I'm starving and I can't even stand it, but I did it *proud*..... here's what I ate:
Coffee(loaded) (100)
Kale smoothie (kale, banana, pineapple, walnuts, almond milk, cinnamon) (300)
handful of almonds for snack (160) UGH
salmon wrapped in collard greens (SUPER good recipe leftovers from the other night) (180)
hummus with veggies (250)
noodles & Co SMALL bangkok curry (only 230 cal)
popcorn (100)
herb tea with almond milk (40)
I AM on Livestrong and tracking my calories, and they traumatize me but for the first few days of this I have to not stress about that or I'll restrict so much that i'll end up binging. please note the cals for bangok curry because it seems like it would be high but it's really low I researched it last year when I was a weightloss badass and its a really good choice for going out. However, I was still half starved after. This will regulate pretty quick though if I remember right. Basically, what I'm doing, is ALL the tricks I did before to loose weight. Only difference is, I'm doing them all in one week, where before, it took me 2 or three months to figure out all the right things to do for me. Plus, I'm not puking ;-)
I don't remember if I said anything about this last year when I did my juice cleanse, but: I have this girlfriend who told me (during the cleanse) that if I lost any more weight i'd look too skinmy, unhealthy even. SO SUCH a coincidence when this same friend came over TODAY in the middle of all my big planning to do another cleanse, tells me "I mean this as a compliment, I can tell that you've put on weight and I really think you look good, I was getting worried there for a while" It WAS really sweet, but SO WEIRD right?? AND I weigh 138 which is what I weighed when I started that cleanse last year, and at my skinniest (apparently worrisome) weight I was 122. and that was only for a SECOND. really I was around 128 most of last summer. I don't know. I guess I'm nitpicking, but I don't think so. I was NOOOOT too skinny and if I get down to 118 I still won't be too skinny. If I got down to 113 someone MIGHT argue that I probably shouldn't go lower. but 128??? not even close to TOO anything. It was ALMOST perfect.
I didn't make any resolutions for new years.
I've still been my flaky self, no gym, eating like a freak, puking every day 3 times.
One of my worst struggles is getting up in the morning, i HATE IT. HATE. but today, I pushed through like every day and then I just felt better and better all morning. Like I knew I was better from my sickness and I felt excited about life which is such a relief! I made a bunch of notes for how to make my own soap, how to make those aromatherapy/thermal wrap things you heat in the micro for soothing, and how to do my own custom "reboot". I keep hearing all about this concept and especially during the new year resolution time. First i have to beat the purging demon and quit HOGGING out on candy. So the first few days of my reboot is, no candy except 2 squares of chocolate at night, and NO purging. Then next few days after that is eat vegetarian, no purging, only one square of chocolate, no dairy, raw if possible. Then I'm gonna do a juice fast for 3 days. OMG I'm scared of that already.
AND I DID my plan for today!!! I have been shaking for candy all day and I'm starving and I can't even stand it, but I did it *proud*..... here's what I ate:
Coffee(loaded) (100)
Kale smoothie (kale, banana, pineapple, walnuts, almond milk, cinnamon) (300)
handful of almonds for snack (160) UGH
salmon wrapped in collard greens (SUPER good recipe leftovers from the other night) (180)
hummus with veggies (250)
noodles & Co SMALL bangkok curry (only 230 cal)
popcorn (100)
herb tea with almond milk (40)
I AM on Livestrong and tracking my calories, and they traumatize me but for the first few days of this I have to not stress about that or I'll restrict so much that i'll end up binging. please note the cals for bangok curry because it seems like it would be high but it's really low I researched it last year when I was a weightloss badass and its a really good choice for going out. However, I was still half starved after. This will regulate pretty quick though if I remember right. Basically, what I'm doing, is ALL the tricks I did before to loose weight. Only difference is, I'm doing them all in one week, where before, it took me 2 or three months to figure out all the right things to do for me. Plus, I'm not puking ;-)
I don't remember if I said anything about this last year when I did my juice cleanse, but: I have this girlfriend who told me (during the cleanse) that if I lost any more weight i'd look too skinmy, unhealthy even. SO SUCH a coincidence when this same friend came over TODAY in the middle of all my big planning to do another cleanse, tells me "I mean this as a compliment, I can tell that you've put on weight and I really think you look good, I was getting worried there for a while" It WAS really sweet, but SO WEIRD right?? AND I weigh 138 which is what I weighed when I started that cleanse last year, and at my skinniest (apparently worrisome) weight I was 122. and that was only for a SECOND. really I was around 128 most of last summer. I don't know. I guess I'm nitpicking, but I don't think so. I was NOOOOT too skinny and if I get down to 118 I still won't be too skinny. If I got down to 113 someone MIGHT argue that I probably shouldn't go lower. but 128??? not even close to TOO anything. It was ALMOST perfect.
Thursday, February 2, 2012
quick check in
Thanks Babes for reading. I wanted to check in. I've been totally wussing out on the gym because of my stupid hurting shoulder even though ya, I could do a lot without moving my arm, but I was being lazy too. Today I went swimming and I just fuckin pushed through the pain. It really did hurt super bad the first 20 laps, but then it eased up and I swam a mile. (32 laps) and after all that, it feels better tonight than it has in a month. I can't believe it. I'm going to go again tomorrow. don't push it ya ya bla bla I know, But I REALLY shouldn't have (If I listened to any sense at all) done what I did today and that turned out better over all.... jeeze I hope I don't jinx myself.
Then I came home and had a Kale + blueberries + banana + almond milk + cinnamon smoothie. Then a salad for a late lunch, then won ton soup (home made) with yummy bok choy. I didn't throw up today!?!? wow huh. now I'm having just a COUPLE ritx n peanut butter with my tea. I know, i'm addicted.
juice fast soon.
Then I came home and had a Kale + blueberries + banana + almond milk + cinnamon smoothie. Then a salad for a late lunch, then won ton soup (home made) with yummy bok choy. I didn't throw up today!?!? wow huh. now I'm having just a COUPLE ritx n peanut butter with my tea. I know, i'm addicted.
juice fast soon.
Tuesday, January 31, 2012
I'm having a hard time
WOW it's been over a month since I've posted here. I split my blog into 2 and this is the "secret" one. The other one, I've only been putting stupid food posts--recipe's, that's not SO stupid but I'm not getting any feelings about anything out and that sucks.
I think I'm maybe depressed or something. I feel like I'm barely treading water. Like, the house isn't a pig sty and I DO get out of the house with the kids and everything. but I just feel pretty bummed out and like I don't CARE to do anything. I don't know what the answer is. But I am getting a lot of self help books lately, mostly books about juicing or "living well by montel williams" stuff like that. I need to make a big change in the lifestyle department. I got a beautiful book about RAW cooking--well food prep really. I want to do a "reboot"--juice for a week or so, surrounded by weeks of raw only eating (before and after). I think I need about 5 new kitchen gadgets though. I need a better juicer, a dehydrator, and a NICE mandolin slicer. Eating well like that can get expensive but I think I can manage to keep it reasonable if I have all the proper gadgetry. I guess I could start with at least the juicing, I HAVE a juicer already, and try to get some raw eating incorporated that doesn't REQUIRE that fancy stuff.... Start slow...
I've been still throwing up 2 or 3 times a day and (gross) I'm like a fuckin PRO at it now which is not cool or cute I know. I can just bend over and it comes RIGHT out like I'm simply exhaling. I do still gag to "make sure" I get out as much as I can. But then OF COURSE I have no self control because as you know-purging CAUSES me to binge uncontrollably on peanut butter and ritz crackers every night. so even if I puke out everything all day, I hork on 1000 fat calories at night and then GO TO BED and absorb all that. So I'm still hovering at around 135, although I don't REALLY know because I haven't gone to the gym in 2 fat fucking weeks.
I gotta go.....
love you girls
I think I'm maybe depressed or something. I feel like I'm barely treading water. Like, the house isn't a pig sty and I DO get out of the house with the kids and everything. but I just feel pretty bummed out and like I don't CARE to do anything. I don't know what the answer is. But I am getting a lot of self help books lately, mostly books about juicing or "living well by montel williams" stuff like that. I need to make a big change in the lifestyle department. I got a beautiful book about RAW cooking--well food prep really. I want to do a "reboot"--juice for a week or so, surrounded by weeks of raw only eating (before and after). I think I need about 5 new kitchen gadgets though. I need a better juicer, a dehydrator, and a NICE mandolin slicer. Eating well like that can get expensive but I think I can manage to keep it reasonable if I have all the proper gadgetry. I guess I could start with at least the juicing, I HAVE a juicer already, and try to get some raw eating incorporated that doesn't REQUIRE that fancy stuff.... Start slow...
I've been still throwing up 2 or 3 times a day and (gross) I'm like a fuckin PRO at it now which is not cool or cute I know. I can just bend over and it comes RIGHT out like I'm simply exhaling. I do still gag to "make sure" I get out as much as I can. But then OF COURSE I have no self control because as you know-purging CAUSES me to binge uncontrollably on peanut butter and ritz crackers every night. so even if I puke out everything all day, I hork on 1000 fat calories at night and then GO TO BED and absorb all that. So I'm still hovering at around 135, although I don't REALLY know because I haven't gone to the gym in 2 fat fucking weeks.
I gotta go.....
love you girls
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