Pirates Booty

Fuckin finally eh???  Sorry, I was on, um, hiatus.

OK I wasn't on hiatus OK. I was reading and feeling guilty because I did a good job of cutting out purging and then I tiptoed back into it and FUCK. I mean, to be honest, I don't hate it. I'm a little over talking about it at the moment. But i started back with the purging and going to the gym and I'm back down to 126 (which is good) then this whole week I didn't go. for 5 days in a row. UGH, but I told husband we have to go both days this weekend.

The last few days I've been obsessing about I got clip in hair extensions. They are so much fun. I got one set at Sallys for $100 and one set on ebay for $30. The sally's ones are better but the ebay ones are TOTALLY worth more than what I paid. they're not AS good, but they're real hair and everything nice. I have in both sets this eve. I've just been doing a lot of trying out how and where to place them and everything. 

So that's me at the mall tonight. There's hella hair in the back flowing down so thick too. I love it. And ok, I'm not trying to be conceited right now but I swear I think I look better than I did in high school. Not as young duh, but cuter and all that. I was skinny in high school but I was 100% dork. I guess everyone thinks that but I'm totally serious and sometimes I feel that way still. But these days I have about 99% more confidence. Sometimes I think I really have BDD but the OTHER way--like I think I look better than I really do but then I see a mirror and get embarrassed cuz I'm a claude . but then sometimes I get lucky and a picture turns out ok.....

I went to Fredericks in the mall... I got this strappy little number for $12 bux!! and the panty is crotchless. I've never really tried those, I hope it works out.  haha... That's my messy bedroom in the background I had to try to shade it out--SHAME, but could I take 2 seconds to straighten it out? guess not.

 

I'm THIRTY SIX years old. I'm not saying I look 18, but when I WAS 18, I didn't look this good and I definitely didn't think I'd look presentable in this type of outfit when I got to 36. When I was 17, 18 years old, I would look at my flat tummy in the mirror in wonderment. At my smooth perky boobs. smooth everything. I thought I'll NEVER be fat or stretched out, or have saggy boobs. I still don't have saggy boobs. But I went YEARS without looking in the mirror. and Now, I have bits and wobbles and flaps and STRETCH MARKS all over. but you know what, NO ONE sees all that. Not even my husband. Cuz we light candles and he doesn't notice bits n jiggles.

Why is this centered all the sudden??

AH HA! I figured it out.....  Ok so listen. If any of you is my friend on facebook, don't say anything on there about this blog ever. I know that's paranoid, but I have to just say it. kay. 

Hearts

kifer

Kifer is a cultured milk drink. YES its super high in calories, like, out of the question to high for some of you girls. 180 for 8 oz!! But I think it's even better than yogurt for the probiotic properties. Probiotics + apples = results. I needed the good bacteria to get the flora in my vaj back to normal :-) and the other results are just a bonus. And ya, I still didn't take any laxies. Somethin aint broke, don't fix it. that's what I always say! Just kidding, I've never said that.

Anyhoo, the other thing I wanted to tell about is the Allegra for Reynauds thing. Ya, it can work, it may not but he wanted me to try it because it might we'll see. The cold hands is a histamine signal like allergies I guess and allegra is an antihistamine. He promised me that Allegra is not like banadryl and is NOT mind altering. I still haven't gotten it though. probably next week. And as far as issues/problems/disorders go, this is kind of easy to manage. Before I knew what it was, it was super frustrating.

speaking of frustrating. I lost my brand new goggles and my swim cap at the gym. I left it there on Thursday and it's not in the lost n found and it's not in my house. LAME.. I've forgotten stuff at the gym and it's never in the lost n found. Like swimsuits. WTF I would NEVER EVER wear a swimsuit I "found" left at the gym. What if I saw someone IN MY swimsuit? People are scumbags. It's only happened a few times in like 10 years. but SHEEZE. I just spent $20 on those goggles :-(

a miracle happened

OMG I pooped without any laxatives! I can't even believe it. I got a yeast infection (lovely post eh) on last sat. Sun eve I used a one day treatment Ovule. Starting Monday, I was in the worst torture crotch rotch state till Thursday. this is bad but MY PEE HOLE was bleeding!! THAT was on Wed. so that night I got Cranberry juice concentrate and drank 4 glasses of straight nasty Cran juice with no sweetener. And I got Kefir, AND I got plain yogurt which, yes, I inserted "up there".... All that cuz  I knew I was seeing my doc today., otherwise I would have called, I tried to hold out. By the time today happened, I was on the road to recovery. I THINK. Its not an intense burning/itching. Just sore!!! I swear, that one day ovule made it worse, well it did it's OWN harsh burning to my tender bits. And other than itching and pain, I didn't have TOO much of the "other symptoms" that I don't need to name. The doc gave me  a one oral pill treatment, with lots of refills for if this happens again. Which it won't I'm gonna keep on the kifer. This stuff is miraculous, back to poo. I haven't gone naturally in like, a year. HAHA, I didn't take any laxies for a few days because during all that drama, it's just NOT a good idea. I don't need to get into specifics do I?  anyway I was puttering around the house and i was like (to myself) "what IS that feeling?" then I said "hmmmm, I wonder....? if its?" and so I grabbed a book and went in the ladies room and a miracle happened. I KNOW it's the kefir. It has so many probiotics and I drank it before bed 2 nights in a row. Plus all that cran juice didn't hurt I bet.

I've been having Some good and some bad times with purging. I'm TRYING but I can't say I've been 100% successful. I must not be doing it TOO much cuz I'm starting to go down in weight. going to the gym has been hard too lately. I swam 20 laps yesterday but that was about all I did all week. We'll go tomorrow too.

must...... sleep......
xo

Update: DUH I can't believe I almost forgot this: I ave reynauds syndrome. I got tested and I have markers or whatever for autoimmune  disorder. It's not lupus or rheumatoid arthrits. And the only symptom I get (right now) is the really super bad attacks of cold hands/fingers/toes. Its like a reaction happens where they freeze up. Sometimes just one or two fingers or toes, while the others are HOT it's REALLY weird. I think it's worse before my period so we're gonna keep track of that. He also suggested I take allegra to see if that helps.

k night

ugh.

I HATE to be a flake. I HATE to be wishy washy. (I'm gonna whine here) But I have been going up in weight and I'm panicked and I just threw up. :-( I'm gonna be a huge hypocrite. I am all making this separate blog so I can go public with my other blog and show recipes and give weight loss tips cuz my RL friends ask me all the time and I just feel like such a liar. I was stuck at 126 when I WAS puking every day. I stopped, it's been more than a week, and today at the gym I weighed 131!!! My period ended a  day ago, there's NO reason for a temp weight gain. It's not temporary. I GAINED 8 pounds since we went to CA (july)

I DO have good news though: I went to the doc on Friday, I had some lab work done the week before. I got blood drawn just a day after I had cut out puking. I was afraid my EVERY level of every test would be bad. From lax abuse and throwing up. Well guess what. I have OPTIMAL cholesterol, not diabetic, perfect electrolytes, thyroid and white blood cells....  Makes it hard to remind myself that puking is bad for my health when I'm in perfect health.

I'm DOING it!

I had one slip after my last post, I went overboard on lunch and purged. But it was just ONE time, I didn't fuck off the whole day. I was purging NO LESS than 3 times a day. Now I'm at ZERO times a day. I AM back on Livestrong.com tracking calories and workouts. It gives me an allotment of 1596 cals a day. I try to stay with that # of cals even if I work out and it tells me I get that many MORE. I have been ending up at around 1400. My weight is creeping up and I'm in a LITTLE bit of a panic over it but I got my period today and I'm trying to not worry about it. I figure I can worry about it later like next week but for right now I'm just trying to have a good habit and sort of stabilize.

I got this halloween costumethere's little bows with pompoms that attach to some knee high socks that I need to get. I'm gonna freeze to death.

Speaking of freezing, I have a problem. I'm SOOOOOOOOOO cold all the time. My family thinks I'm crazy and I got in an argument with husband about it yesterday, so I'm pissed and not turning on any heat. I didn't BLAST it before anyway, I ONLY JUST this last week turned it on ONCE in the living room. Usually I DO have it on in the bathrooms, cuz that's the worst. And the hardest is not turning it on in my little son's room. But I admit, I'm not the best judge of how cold it is. I'm cold no matter what. I wear GLOVES in my house with hand warmers inside, and my fingers are still numb. it's really weird and I hate it and I'm gonna talk to the doctor about it. That appointment is this coming friday....

broken record?

I know I keep saying this but I REALLY MEAN IT this time: I'm taking back control of my eating. I've gone WAY over board on the binging and purging. I've gained around 5 pounds. I'm swollen, depressed, and groggy.

I got back on Livestrong and I put the settings at I want to loose 1.5 pounds a week and I weigh 127. So it's giving me a 1300 cal allotment a day. I THINK I can do that (I know I can). even using naughty creamer in my coffee today. I'm gonna buy almond milk and splenda ASAP because the whole coffee/creamer thing does me IN--it's around 300 extra cals a day if not more. Who uses 1tbsp of cream?? And, no, I can't drink it black.... Besides, unsweetened almond milk is only 20 cals for a half cup which is about how much cream I put in my coffee haha.

After that concerned note from hubby the other day, I only thickened the wall between us further. I kept right on doing it and feeling ashamed and doing it more. Avoided close contact with him in case I smell like puke. Not looking him in the eye in case he will see through me. We skipped date night on sat (usually we do it wed & sat. nerdy, sure, but it works) and not a word was spoken about it. Sunday night I said "I guess we're old now". I know damn well it's ME being weird that is keeping us out of the mood.

Then yesterday, I had my usual lunch/naptime session. Kiddo goes down for his nap, I eat my lunch. Then I eat 10 other things and top it off with 2 full size candy bars. I go purge. No one is home except a sleeping kiddo so I am lazy about my routine. Usually I close and lock the door, I didn't this time. Usually I turn on the water full blast, and I didn't. Usually, when I'm done I flush the toilet and go to the running water and wash my hands and mouth. I dry my hands and get a huge piece of toilet paper and blow my nose then wipe down the toilet and flush a couple more times. Yesterday, I just washed my hands and face and left the bathroom cuz I didnt' even have a towel in there. I didn't go back in there again until hubby was home and HE called me in there. I was making dinner. He came and put his arm around me and led me to the bathroom and right away, I knew. I was so horrified. I started shaking and couldn't see right. I was MAKING dinner and I knew I couldn't eat that dinner (pulled pork burritos with chili lime rice and black beans) without purging after. I just couldn't. So I DID eat and then went to 'get a tan' (puke at the tanning salon bathroom WHO DOES THAT??)

This morning I emailed husband that I'm very ashamed for what he saw yesterday and that it has helped me be motivated to MAKE THIS CHANGE I keep talking about. I told him sorry for building a shame wall between us. He said he only wants me to be happy and he knows I can do it and I'm worth it. How fucking cute/sweet is that?? It DID cross my mind that if I'm more careful, I can probably still get away with it. But I confessed that thought right away to my text friend because I don't WANT to do that! I'm so done. I'm so sick of it. so far, this is what I ate today:
loaded coffee ~200
whole grain eggo ~85
butter spray ~05
egg ~70
soup/salad lunch ~340

I went to lunch with my AA sponsor and filled her in. We're working on basically what amounts to exposure therapy for me on some issues that give me anxiety and cause me to run to the kitchen. For example: I have something that is bothering me and I put off even THINKING about it until "later". I distract myself with things like binging and purging. Which ends up stealing HOURS from me every day. Because I have to do it a certain way and bla bla you guys understand. So I have several things which cause that anxiety trigger. We picked one that's "easy" and current. I have to have some lab work done for a dr appt I have coming up next week. First, we made the "appointment" for me to go in on Thursday. I don't need an appointment with the office but we set a day so that I'll actually DO it. Now, every time I think about it, instead of running to the kitchen and saying "I'll worry about that on Thursday", I will write down what I'm thinking about that appointment.

ugh, just writing all this down is making me feel STARVING.

I'm going to tighten up the calories over the next few days. Buy some almond milk and lean cuisines.... I want to do a juice fast again soon but I'm NOT ready yet....

Oh, the doctor appointment is that I need refills on some meds I've been taking forever. I guess I'm supposed to go to the doctor once a year or something. I've never had just plain old "tests" for cholesterol or whatever normal people get just, tested for, on a regular basis. I am paranoid, I never follow through on appointments. The doctor suggests things to me for issues I have like physical therapy for TMJ and I never even CALL physical therapy. I'm afraid someone will think I'm faking. I'm afraid "they" will think I'm stupid. I need some self esteem!!! GAWD. Kay, so we're working on that..... :-)

xo
UPDATE:
I had 1200 calories today. No puking. Feel bloated, full, gassy, gross. I will chug water and feel better in the morning.
Husband and I just had a MUCH NEEDED date in the bedroom WHEEW!! I feel fuzzy all over :-)the bottoms of my feet are tingling.
I bought almond milk and some veggies for juicing. Just a few things and I'll probably have one juice per day for the rest of the week. I got beets, lemons, cucumber, celery, spinach, and carrots.

check in

Sorry I dropped that heavy shit on you guys the other day, then didn't write again for a few.... I've been ok.

I only made it to the gym on tuesday last week. I feel like a lard ass. I stopped taking laxies and diurex last sunday and on thursday night I finally caved. I was just about to pop. I was pregnant with poo. Feeling MUCH BETTER today. still 126 ugh. but I feel better.

Planning on making it to the gym every day next week EXCEPT tuesday. I'll try to get some exercise and do sit ups or something that day still....

I'm starving right now. I haven't eaten yet today. I've been having a hard time with eating breakfast. probably cuz if I don't' go to the gym I don't HAVE to eat, so I don't.....

sorry for the lame post. I just wanted to check in.